Hey there. I have been where you are. It is a place of stuckness. Good news. You can get unstuck. I did. I had to gain a new perspective though.

Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a beautiful book called “Fidelity.” In it, he writes about being “caught in the net of romantic love,” what is often called infatuation. For decades I was in love with falling in love — and strangely — that led me to be attracted to men who were emotionally shut down and therefore not able to return my affection — at least not for very long. I’m sure I appeared to be “too needy” to them. In fact, on the rare occasion when one of these objects of my affection actually bit the hook and wanted a real emotionally intimate (not just physical) relationship, I would hit the eject button. I was afraid of emotional intimacy because I never learned how to be in such a relationship. When the relationship failed, I would mourn its loss the way most people mourn a death. It felt like that to me. I realize now this was part of the roller-coaster ride and I was addicted to feeling those highs and lows. (This is commonly known as “love addiction.” There are 12-Step programs for it!)

Understanding the root of my attachment was the first step to being able to be honest with myself about my mental and emotional attachment I placed on these men. The relationships weren’t healthy (just as the one you had was not — which you recognize.) In fact, my expectations were not based on realistic principles. I refused to see that these men were not available to me for various reasons. Finally, I gave up. Like you, I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone … and like you I finally saw and accepted that my “logical ability” was “not in control.”

Re-read what you wrote. You know the answer! Wanting to be in a relationship is a very healthy desire. Not accepting the reality that goes with a given relationship makes us dissatisfied and emotionally unhealthy. Still it is so hard to let go of long-held ideas and habits even when we know they are harmful to us!

Here’s what worked for me: I had to allow myself to see that my idea of a relationship was limited. I began to focus on what was real and healthy for me. And slowly I began to see that I had basically been dating the same guy (type of guy) for decades! Time to end the pattern.

First I redefined what it would me to me to be in a relationship. I read a wonderful book called Centering and the Art of Intimacy (by Gay Hendricks) and it suggested that relationships are not about pleasing the other person or being pleased, but rather they are all about learning about our true selves. That was a huge eye-opener to me. It’s ok to want to be in a relationship. We need relationships — especially intimate, romantic ones — to help us learn about ourselves. This shift helped me to start seeing things I learned about myself through those crazy, roller-coaster ride, relationships. Sure, I felt like an idiot for not figuring this out sooner, and then I felt like a fool for mooning over guys who weren’t even what I wanted in a mate! But ultimately, I knew that I could and would move into a healthy relationship when the time was right. And I did.

A lot of people told me to “look inside yourself for answers” or “take time to work on you.” And although I hated to admit it, they were right. I needed to take a step back and understand fully what was most important to me. No more compromises on those things! For example, spiritual compatibility was very important to me, but I had to know what I believed first before I could possibility date someone with the same sense for life. It took me years to discover this, but once I did, finding the “right” man was not hard at all. I also know that this Mr Right can’t read my mind or fulfill my every wish or need. I have had to learn how to communicate with him, have compassion for his foibles just as he has for mine, and accept that being in a day-in day-out relationship is going to be less like a roller-coaster and more like a merry go round ride. Less exciting but lots of fun, none the less.

In closing let me suggest a new perspective for you that I learned: Be patient, because every set back is also an opportunity. This guy who switched his number off has done you a great favor. For whatever reason, you hung on to him for 4 years … now you are ready to move on. (Maybe within that 4 years, the right man for you was getting the exact place where he could meet you now.) I agree with Inky, this isn’t an ending, it’s the beginning. Bless this poor sap and send him on his way. When you find yourself thinking of him, say a prayer for him and then turn your thoughts to positive actions. You are now open for that next relationship and a chance to learn about yourself and how you can help others in this world.