Thanks Brigid, I am going through the same discovery process you describe. I realize I’ve been dating men who weren’t opening to me because there is such a lot of fear inside me about not being enough and not being seen. I wasn’t opening to them in some ways, either. After 20 years of dating, I finally realize I need to step back and figure out what’s going on inside me, how to love myself regardless of my relationship status. I’m terrified because I’m almost 45 and what if I never find the partner I’ve longed for my whole life? But the roller coaster of love is just too much for me, it’s too painful and confusing. I don’t think this is how it’s supposed to feel. So I need to get my head on straight and remember the things I love about myself. I don’t really know where to start.

Dear Buddha123

I understand your problem. I gone through similar tough decisions. They were not easy, nor one-way no regret so don’t feel bad if you can’t decise easily. I am not going to give you any advice, wonderfull advices had already been given by fellow tinybiddhists. I am only going to provide you with some questions you should ask your self!

Do you feel that you love each other and this is not a toxic relationship?
Do you think the only think left to be made is a decision?
Do you feel through these four years that the problem this relationship didn’t work out was financial, due to communication, or emotional immaturity? If it is emotional immaturity it means this relationship can’t work due to emotional reasons and neither of you has the courage to carry on with the splitting.

Take care
George

Hi Buddha123,
I live in India and understand perfectly well the social pressure to get committed before 30!
I had a similar traumatic experience in a relationship. I fell in love with a guy almost two years back from my hometown. We had known each other for almost 4-5 years and it was spontaneous and natural to follow the heart and fall in love. It was a long distance relationship so things were a bit edgy, managing times, talking etc. He always had a reason of not having enough time, I respected that, being a lawyer he had erratic schedules. But then slowly i started realizing he always had time for his mom, taking her to movies, malls etc. He has been raised up by his widow mom. He lost his dad when he was 8. She is super successful in her career and has a dominating personality. Our fights used to revolve around same topic, no time! Whenever he had a fight with his mom which was quite often he took it all on me, threatening me with suicides or dumping me.
It was always this melodramatic, I used to be the “sensible and mature” and he played the drama queen. There was no scope for my tantrums, not even getting a chocolate on my birthday. His mom took so much toll on his emotional front nothing was left for me. Still I knew we loved each other and every time I decided to give him a chance.

Around February last year he introduced me to his mom and we got engaged in April. I hoped that post this event we will get closer, but reverse kept on happening. Now I think I committed a huge mistake to let go of things, the drama he & his mother put up and even ruined the beautiful day of engagement for me. The temptation to not let go, stick to the deal was taking a toll on me and personal well being.
My parents were very cool and supportive about my decisions since the beginning and they even welcomed my guy with big smiles into their lives. They never bothered about my dates and stuff and hence I found my future mother in law’;s interference a bit too much to take.

I decided my career, jobs everything keeping my fiance in mind. I even moved back to my hometown to take up a job and start a family with him even though it meant sacrificing my career big time. But in my last week away from home, I realized the woman was behaving more than abnormal probably because I was shifting back.. I don’;t know I started becoming paranoid. But my fiance didn’;t help much. He sent me another bout of suicide notes and the reason as always was a fight with his mother. I couldn’;t bear it anymore, I called off the engagement. The guilt, pain part was excruciating. I thought my guy would at least try to reason out, his mom would at least shout at me for spoiling her boy’;s life but nothing!
He gave a reason his mom is hypertensive and cant take this big news, so he would break it up gently to her. I am shattered! His love has gone still he uses his mom as a reason, or as an excuse, no idea. I never wanted him to leave his mom and come to me. I had become good friends with that woman and we used to chat and gossip like girls. I tried my best to adjust in that household, in that weird mother- son dynamics but I lost my patience. It took me two years to convince that guy, talking over the phone is normal and healthy for couples.

The harm is done. Its over, I am on a job hunt, trying to get life on track. People at my place are actually relieved I am saved from that terrible household with all the crazy fights and allegations. Going back to Mumbai city but I just pray next girl the guy meets at least he realizes the value of a life partner. But the pain has left me hollow. I try hard not to be bitter but the worst part is sitting at home without a job for a guy who probably never valued me!

What I have learned is, a relationship is supposed to make you smile, when you end up with just tears of frustration and self doubt on a daily basis, its a lost cause. If you have cut the cord, go ahead in life. The temptation to turn back is too huge to ignore, I still doubt with what ifs.. but eventually cracks from the glass never disappear.