Dear Anita,

I like your use of the word ownership. This does happen doesn’t it. People become owned by others. I think sometimes it feels foreign to me now. It feels like If I can let go of my mother I can do anything. In the sense that it is amazing that people don’t live their OWN authentic life sometimes and are so influenced by others. It is difficult to see these people as their own strong human. And yes often friendships with such types does change and drift.

Yes my journey is solo and My own. Something I am proud of. >I wanted to add more about friendships.  My husband and I have been fortunate to have a large number of friends. Yet, this is not by accident.  We both were social, caring, conscientious friends to people growing up, and thus attracted many friendships. When we came together our circle grew. We as a couple are collectively a fun loving well liked pair with an abundant network.
<">He and I spoke about our similarities.  He mentioned that he was often the organizer, and the central person.  Making sure he made time for friends, meet ups, and organizing get togethers.
“>He said to me, now it sometimes feels like if I don’t initiate I would hardly hear from a lot of those people. He also said how nowadays he is way too exhausted to put in all that effort – and wishes itcould be more organic, to have friends that are in a simple mindset…it does get harder as we get oldeR
“>I realize we are very similar.  I have explained my friendships to you in the past.  I was always “the friend of the year” trying and keeping in touch and making sure everyone was okay.  I did feel like my husband about a year or so ago- thought – wow if i stop trying who is left.  I do see it different now, but that is because I am on the path.  My life is the path.

>But back to him, it gotme thinking – friendships do change – and sometimes it can feel hurtful.  For example we are going to a wedding next weekend – my husband is one of the groomsmen.  This is a close friend of his from medical school.  At our wedding this guy did a speech and everything.  However, over the last year my husband and he drifted apart some.  Now this guy is going to marry a girl who is quite moody.  I’ll go ahead and even say she is uncomfortable around me, because of who I am versus who she is.  I do think she is intimidated to a point – but I am nothing but nice.  IN many wayss she is stuck in the high school ways of thinking.  She has even been outright rude to me in the past at an event.  I know a lot of te reason my husband’s friend isn’t as close to him anymore is because I do know his soon to be wife is threatened by me.  I am not saying this because  I am arrogant or amazing, it is because I simply know, and I have seen enough to be aware of such.
Stuff like this simply happens.  Everyone grows in different ways. And it shows us that friends and people are ever changing. As are we. I myself have let go of many friendships over this year that were not serving my path.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

thank you. I do love to write.

Today I feel something different. I feel something light and free. I am saying this because I am journaling, not because I am making an exclamation of a change.  I am merely observing.  Today I had a day off, to myself. Unlike previous days off in my life, this was one to really rest, sink and savor. I woke up in the normal way, mentally searching for and focusing on my tasks. After I went through one or two of them, I was faced with just myself.  I observed how I felt. I felt fearful. It felt difficult to simply relax and feel comfortable and happy. I pushed a little further and asked myself why, the answer I got was the following. It seems too simple and easy just to relax and enjoy this day off. Perhaps it feels like if I do, I am missing something, or that the other shoe will drop.

So I asked myself what is the point of today? The point of the day is to be. Whether I am climbing a mountain, performing cardiac surgery, or simply sitting on my couch. It is all living. It is all valid. To live a day well spent I don’t have to prove anything, I don’t have to validate my day to someone else or more importantly myself. My day can be just that, it can be personal to me. How comforting this can be, to wake up and live however I want, just to live this day for its OWN self.  as is. Most importantly, this day does not have to be intertwined with yesterday and tomorrow. It is a standalone time. This day does not have to be a tool to prepare for tomorrow or the next week or month. It could simply be today. Based on our prior conversation, this day does not need to be dedicated to learning about the past. As there are lessons in just living today. Oh yes simply living and breathing today is learning.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good morning. Thank you for summarizing in your last post. Many different topics covered, and one central theme.

You wrote:

We keep experiencing our past in the present time, and so, this is how we can know what happened then.

How true! This morning what I take from this is the following: the past is not merely the past – it is also the present. It is about the patterns, it is about the reactions. Life continues to happen today, presenting similar patterns, presenting similar reactions as it did in the past. Observation continues to happen. Humanity continues to show many of the same characteristics as what I experienced as a child.  I continue to show this. The difference is that now, I have the liberty to observe. I am not just immersed, I have clarity. I can observe. I may not feel different, as of course I have a lifetime of patterns that have been deeply been enmeshed in me, but yet I do have the liberty to observe. An example is my interaction over the weekend about the clothing and the mother-in-law. I will say that if I saw this interaction just two years ago, I might have thought differently. I might have thought -wow look how patient that daughter-in-law is with her mother, how sweet. I might have thought, oh wow look atThis elderly lady so interested in fashion. I might not have seen any of it as negative, i don’t know. in fact I might have just seen it as simple or sad. Now that I have the clarity of what I know, I can observe different scenarios around me in my life, and that of others. See it for what it is, as you said the past Also occurs in present day.

I sometimes get so fixated on being able to truly feel my past.  To truly process it. But  Based on our conversation this weekend I realize that it is not just digging back to the old, so much of the old still happens in present day. I have the ability to change my interactions, patterns, and baseline state in each and every moment in the present. In the now. Simply by noticing. I do not have to climb back into my childhood and search like an archaeologist for fossils trying to undo old patterns. No, not only does this sound daunting, it might not be as feasible as it sounds like it may be.   In fact, Anita, I feel much lighter knowing that so much of my progress of “undoing” the bad patterns from my childhood can truly be done NOW in present day by observing and being aware of the life around me now. Because I experience the past in present time

Dear Anita,

Sorry let me rephrase, I think I was just trying to wrap my head around the concept.

I meant to say something along the lines of this. If I was to fully grasp the REALITY of what was my entire childhood up until adulthood, I would not be able to survive.  Our brains allow us to dissociate as a coping mechanism for survival.  That far after such, (at a time like now) when I am open to feeling – it is not merely a switch on.  I have been in disassociation mode my whole life in order to survive the wrath that is my mother – it was the only way that I could have made it out alive.  Thus, now when I seek to process and feel fully, it is not accessible immediately.  It is buried deep within years of storage, like the real estate my mom holds in me in many ways.  There is lots of baggage and trauma bottled up, tucked away, so that I could wake up every day, and make a functional life.

And here I am – saying I am ready – let me feel it – bring it on.  But it simply takes time.  It will unravel one by one.  New thoughts, new realizations, even new memories.  How often do I have an interaction in the present day, which reminds me of a true interaction with my mother years ago – that I had totally forgot, or did not see it with clarity.  Slowly but surely.

So today I had such an interaction that truly I felt was for a reason, it was quite eye opening.  I would like to share.

I am moving at the end of this month, and spending this weekend, selling items, packing, cleansing.  Out with the old, in with the new.

I put a few items up for sale, and a woman came by with an elderly frail lady.  It was her mother in law. The lady (J) was here to buy some drawers, but she saw I also had an abundant amount of women’s items, clothing, shoes, the like.  I told her they were also for sale, and great quality.  (I am looking to downsize and get rid of excess – remove what no longer serves me, physically and spiritually).

So the elderly women picked up an item gingerly, and tried it on.  I smiled, as it seemed the women had a taste for fashion even in her old frail state.  I then observed the following.  She would make faces of discontent and then look at her daughter in law.  She would speak (in Spanish which I can understand) and mumble things such as.  “oh too short.” “oh too long” “oh isn’t there anything for me.”

She then picked out about 25 items.  Her daughter stated she only had some cash on hand, and so she could only pick a few.  the elderly women had quite a sullen look on her face, and begrudgingly put things back.  She then went into the pile her DIL picked, and critiqued each piece.

I observed this all.  Not from the point of a seller, or someone that is marketing or even looking to make money.  But from the perspective of a daughter and mother (or in this case MIL). J chuckled and rolled her eyes a few times and looked at me and whispered, yup she is very particular and be difficult, and she smirked.

I thought about how odd the concept was for anyone was to walk in.  An 80 year old woman trying on the clothes of a 20-30 year old, and critiquing them, too long, too short, too heavy, too light, oh this doesn’t zip perfectly.

An outsider would think – well of course lady! i simply observed.

and then her daughter in law, just watching, and letting her do her thing, as though she was a child.  at the end picking an exorbitant amount of things, and pouting that her DIL didn’t have much money on hand.

Once again, J appeasing the lady telling her we would come back. The elderly lady wouldn’t accept it.  She continued to fawn over a dress that wasn’t in the pile.

I was getting tired so I said, politely – I think we have a good amount here for the price. We could always return to it.  And J reiterated they could come back

An hour later, I was emotionally drained! Of course I am more sensitive to such and not a mere observer, as i did have a difficult emotion sucking mother.  So it isn’t just me watching as an outsider. But wow – all of this for some clothes – imagine what else! The concept was clear, some people are just this way, it doesn’t matter if it is over a dress, or climbing a mountain – they do not see their own inflexibility, difficulty, and sheer ridiculousness.  The other party is expected to be patient and go along with it.  Of course they must!

Now these were strangers, and perhaps those 2 have a great relationship – good for them.  That is not my point.

I felt the painstaking ways, the emotional neediness, the attention, the me me me, and I wasn’t even involved.  After they left I felt like wow – I need a moment! Phew!

Interesting to observe such in the world, even when not in your own life.  It does exist a lot everywhere doesn’t it! Thought I would share.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Your insight and knowledge are amazing.  Like that of a seasoned professional.  Well in many ways you are one, to me, as you have went through this for many years, and supported many – knowledge is power in so many ways.

What you wrote to me was quite deep, and I read it many times and pondered it.  To me it is 2 parts, the first in which understanding that the child dissociates.  Which is in fact quite fascinating, as this is a subconscious protective mechanism.  And two, the aspect of the: fear then is the fear now.  This part I will work up to understanding, it will take time.  I will focus on the first now, as a student.

I wanted to read more about this concept, and learn more – and so I did some research.  An article by a psychologist explained it really well, just like you did.  I have pasted it below if you are interested in reading it.  I will process the information – it is unbelievable how crucial positive/healthy interaction between a child and mother is, and how deeply future trauma/fear can be based on those moments.  Those formative years truly are formative, aren’t they.

Disorganized Attachment and Dissociation

In attachment theory, the caregiver ideally serves as a secure base from which the child can receive comfort and support (secure attachment). Their responses to the child’s actions determine how the child will come to see the world and view relationships in the future. One particular form of attachment, disorganized attachment occurs when the caregiver mistreats the child, frequently frightens the child, miscommunicates feelings, and has highly unrealistic expectations of the child (e.g., relying on the child for care).

Caregivers who act in ways that give rise to disorganized attachment may behave very inconsistently (for example at times they are intrusive, at times they withdraw), which creates confusion for the child. The child may end up with multiple, incompatible views of the caregiver (seeing the caregiver as a source of protection and danger at the same time) and incompatible views of themselves (feeling confusion about whether they are good or bad). These incompatible views are very difficult to reconcile and hard to combine into a coherent structure.

The child is left with confusion about who their

parents are, and who they are, making it difficult to establish a coherent sense of self. This sort of fragmentation lays the groundwork for dissociative experiences.

Even more confusing, the child faces the dilemma of both protecting themselves from a caregiver and maintaining a relationship with them. Jennifer Freyd explains that the betrayal trauma, the sense of betrayal often found in children abused by their caregivers explains why many children forget the abuse, or rather, put it out of their minds.

If the child copes by dissociating, it makes it easier to continue daily life with the parent than if they were fully aware of the traumatic past experiences.

Hello,

this feeling was quite heavy on the plane ride back from Paris. In fact it was one of the only times I can recall recently that I had a full 8 hours to my own thoughts. No where to go and nothing to distract. I thought a lot about the “burden” of generational trauma. I don’t necessarily like the term burden – but the fact that what my mom did is now passed down to me and I must heal and spend energy doing so. In addition those who don’t heal their wounds pass them down (perhaps a big part of what happened to my mother based on her own trauma) but it is irrelevant why or how. The fact that I have this huge task of now healing from her toxicity is my daily task and conquest.

So yes after the flight I felt a lot of this and it continued until today. I also notice of course that my mood will fluctuate with things such as my cycle (worse mood swings with PMS over the last year) and of course normal things like sleep/stress. So those are also contributing at this present time. I do like to be more aware of this now.