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Cali Chica

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  • #388349
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I can not believe this was 5 years ago literally almost to the day. I thank this community for the support I received, especially Anita. So much has changed in the last 5 years yet so much is still the same. How interesting this journey of trauma, awareness and healing is for so many of us.

    #388347
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Namaste87 and Anita,

    How are you Namaste87? I recently read through this and I can relate in many ways (I am Indian and I have gone no contact with my mother, my journey started on Tiny Buddha). So much to say on that note. But – I wonder if you delivered your baby and are healthy and safe. I commend your bravery for coming on here and seeking support and advice, that is truly the beginning.

    #388335
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita + Lindsey,

    this below is crucial – and how interesting as it has been over a year that I have been on this forum chatting with Anita

    There is a good chance this guy will not end up being able to meet my emotional needs“-there is a 100% chance that he will not be able to meet all of your emotional needs, not even most. Same is true in my case: no one can meet most or all of my emotional needs. This is the case because I grew up with too much emptiness, for so long.. that the emptiness took hold inside me, and there are too many dreams unlived, too many desires unfulfilled.. for too long”

    The The emptiness that comes from various condition such as having an unfulfilling childhood, and unloving mother, and so forth is lifelong. Often we utilize a romantic interest/spouse as a means to fill that void subconsciously. Even the most educated and self-aware of us do this given that filling such a hole and avoid is essential to finding any sort of true feeling of safety in life, let alone joy. It is important to see as above that this person, nor any person can truly fulfill you, but if they are dedicated to getting to know the authentic you, and you are as well – That is good enough,  good enough means that in this crazy world with so many of us having history of trauma that leads to present anxiety, to find a person that’s willing to grow with you, to know the real you, to help you know the real you. That is what it’s about.

    #335470
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita!

    good morning my friend.
    we are moving out of nyc on Friday! Oh how quickly it all happened. We are then going to India on Monday for a month! Family wedding and some travels before the move.
    I wanted to let you know that I will be away for the next few months given this. I will check in when I can – and will always be thinking of our talks. Thank you for helping to set me up for success in this next chapter. To India and California and beyond! As I pack my boxes I think of how much growth the last 3 years have had. Hard to believe – and I have a hunch that more is right around the corner. Again – thank you for your dedicated study of what is my journey and support as always. I shall be in touch when I can!

    Always,

    CC

    #334858
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to write the thorough post. I have read just the beginning. Over the next few days I’m going to be extremely hectic moving in and out of the apartment and getting things ready for the move. I didn’t tell you, but we are going to India for the month of February. Something my husband has not done in years and it will be special! We haven’t planned or booked the tickets yet lol! Crazy times.

    I will give the post the time and respect it needs next week after this weekend passes, I will get back to you on Monday or Tuesday after reading it all thoroughly and letting it sink in and posting my reply.  Just wanted to let you know in case you’re waiting for my reply throughout the weekend. Yay Cali Chica is going to California! Let’s get it going!! Talk to you soon my dear Anita- have a great weekend and talk next week!

    #334598
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry for the delay. Complicated day but I’ll get into that later. Quite stressful. Anyway- back to us I assume you are away from the computer so we can continue this discussion tomorrow or whenever you are free.

    I am glad I read both back to back. Here is the thesis for me:

    no, neither one of them, not your mother, not your sister wanted your functionality or help so that they can function better. This is your make-believe which gave you that sense of being valued as a child (which I talked about in the previous post). It is true that the two of them need to function better, but this is not what they want. They had a more immediate need which was to satisfy their impulsive need, which in the case of your sister, it is the need to blame you.

    Your sister is helping herself to you by pointing the finger of blame at you: your fault! You are hurting me! Here, you did it again! And again! And as you understandably get angry, she has new ammunition to use against you. She is helping herself to you.

    So this is new news to me. You have explained this in regards to my mother in the past. The concept of her needing an audience. Not truly “needing” a solution. Makes total sense.  I can visualize it and see it clearly. Especially remembering my father or I talking her down, just for her to go into the same hysterics again moments later when an aunt walks through the door. This is pretty pivotal aspect of her personality disorder and BPD.

    The friend I used to have – Sarah – I recall episodes like this as well. A very twisted way of getting attention – but never ever being satisfied or happy.

    Now to my sister. I didn’t think of her the same. And I don’t mean to say that I want to lump everyone together. But I had thought she was on “the other side” – my side.

    The side that isn’t hysterical and crazy. Troubled – yes. But not that.

    Yet I see now that’s not true. I see that I when I placed my MIA note – she reached out practically saying “hey where is SCC” but it wasn’t for My help.

    Let’s say I replied and said I’ll come over and help or this or that she would have jumped to the opportunity. But if she found that I was stressed doing it she would have said: oh I never told you to do this.

    A key point of a dysfunctional (in emotional ways when it comes to my sister) adult.

    She does need help in ways my mother didn’t. Such as is helping her move into Manhattan and in so many different ways. Those are facts.

    But she also puts down and de-values SCC. I guess I thought of it like this – she is desperate and lonely in many ways – but also angry and denounces SCC. She in fact comes off as a victim lost puppy some days – but angry beast others. She is needy for love and attention and she does not have it in her life (from any true place unlike me with my spouse). But also does not know how to receive this appropriately or appreciate it.

    She is highly troubled and erratic and hysterical.

    Now – I want you to elaborate the aspect of “my sister is helping herself to me.” I understand it but would like to discuss further

     

    #334574
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for your posts! I will read throughly and reply back in a few hours when I am back home

    #334540
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I read the above post throughly. I actually would like to read both posts before replying if that would be okay with you. If so I will wait to read the second portion. Thanks and take your time

    #334512
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!!! Interesting the gut feeling right! Cali Chica indeed!

    I would love for you to put together that in some posts. It will be great to read while I mentally prepare for the move and all that goes with change and new beginnings!

    #334506
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is official! We are moving to California!!

    #333913
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    The origin yes. And there’s not just one origin.

    I don’t feel guilty about separating from yet another origin of sickness. Not at all. I feel relief.

    I see clearly how she has robbed me and my husband of peace and I vow to never let that happen again.
    The plan will be set in place once the relocation decision is made. As My mind is occupied by that     but I am grateful for the ability to have this month without her energy. It has been very nice indeed to not have her involved in this intimate inner circle decision making time. It’s a sign of how things could be. How things should be. Just Mt husband and I and our life. No tainting from.others.

    #333899
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    🙂
    Thanks for your input. I’ll keep you posted.

    Yes I have gotten to a point of clarity with my sister. Especially given the Incident in Philadelphia. And also because this painstaking decision has required My husband and I to be undistracted by anyone and also to have good whole energy. I did not allow her to take away from that. Even when she tried while we were at brunch- I shot it down. That’s it.
    Now is that the end? No. But it’s the beginning. And that’s huge.

    I hope you are feeling better from your fall.
    We love SD, beautiful breezy, full of that true Socal culture. But the job is not bad, but not a homerun. It doesn’t scream “uproot your life and move here!!”

    OC (the coastal) parts are equally beautiful albeit slightly more snooty or plastic. But you know what. There’s that everywhere. There’s good ans bad energy everywhere. What matters is from within.

    Next – I notice I am able to find clarity more quickly these days than even a few months ago. I notice this is a sign of progress. Being bogged down by rumination and second guessing is a sign of no – not a weak mine. But a weakened not rooted spirit. I notice My spirit getting stronger. I notice My ability to see all sides or something. Whether it is a person, place, or Thing. I notice that I don’t feel as guilty about my duty to others. Or If I do it passes. I don’t feel overwhelmed by it for days on end.
    In addition – I notice that I frankly don’t care as much about others anymore. Not in that sense. But in the sense of: live and let live.
    No one is sitting at home worrying about me all day. That would be silly. People work properly and are happy when they have an inner circle or focus (no matter what it may be). Without this groundededness – it’s impossible.
    Live and let live. We are all worthy of some peace.

    #333889
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree. You know what, I thought a lot of that today. So to summarize – in CA we had 2 opportunities. Newport Beach vs San Diego as you know.

    SD – it doesn’t appear to be financially much better than here. And the concept of moving and uprooting and starting fresh to have a high overhead cost doesn’t seem ideal. Although SD is ideal in many other ways.

    OC- Well you know the guy that wants to hire us. We have had many more talks with him. one good thing about his practice is the lower overhead. MUCH lower. As he has built out more of a niche practice thus streamlining costs. Next – he has a huge patient population and following. I don’t see difficulty with either of us finding patients given that. He is nice although definitely with an ego and someone that is not like us – in the sense that he built and achieved a vision and didn’t focus on being relaxed and family when he was younger. Now he wishes to step back from clinical work over time and allow the younger surgeons (such as the one he hired 3 years ago and potentially my husband) to continue. Financially there would be more future opportunity without as much of a plateau as SD as he continues to expand.

    Location wise we like Huntington Beach and in many ways area is similar to SD of course.

    #333879
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow- regarding the electric and weather! Well I am glad you are in town and have the option to spend time there and read and write. I am glad for this for you.
    Regarding the rest of your post.
    I simply do not care as much anymore. I know it may not sound real – but it’s true. Something that day (the one I wrote out to you when we are in Philadelphia) changed within me. Not that I don’t care about her. But I feel that day I surrendered my SCC role. Knowing that it was of no use with someone that’s acts like this. This meaning: all the spectrum she showed that day as being a microcosm. Happy excited, feeling lucky. Then annoyed confused and tired. Then angry and frankly just b****y. That last word was key. Man she really is just being a plain B. Not sad. Not scared. Not annoyed. But frankly a B.

    I don’t have expectations of her to do any of the following: appreciate mY SCC role. Ask for it or things related to it in a normal fashion. Politely refuse it in a normal fashion. Acknowledge the reality of who she is and much more. No. Just like I didn’t with my mom once I finally figured who she was.

    She is an adult and she will be fine on her own. If she isn’t she will learn to cope. We all do. That’s real life. And enabling her eccentricities and hysteria is not helping anyone.

    So the plan is key. Yes it is.

    Anita. My husband and I are knee deep no eye deep in the decision.  NY or CA. Without further in this exact moment. What does your gut say for us? East or West?

    #333731
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    When a passive aggressive person does what she does, her victim feels anger because we partly know that we are being used, but what happens next is that we are not sure, so we feel guilty for feeling anger at the … “weak” victimizer. So extra guilt is added to previous guilt. And for the passive-aggressive, our guilt is their gold.

    This statement is as much gold as that guilt you reference is for the BPD person. This has been my MO for my entire life. NOT because I chose it. Not because I am over zealous. Over involved and over enthusiastic about getting involved. No.

    The first and foremost disrespect is her telling me that “no one told you to do that or act that way.” If we need proof and we are now lawyers – well this above text message my jury is my proof. My sister and mother RELY on me for security and functionality. They both disgrace me for thinking that this is myrole or burden besause they are secretly jealous of that ability of mine. Neither would last half a second managing as much as I do. Yet, they consider themselves whole capable and very intelligent (emotionally).

    See she NEEDS my SCC..not only does she NEED it, she gets angry if it goes away for a mere few days!!

    One may say well it’s not everyday she gets cockroaches, so maybe there what set her off and made her more seeking. No.

    No my jury. Today it’s cockroaches. Last year was a strange health issue. Then it was suicidal feelings/threats over a break up. Then it was wanting to quit her training program.

    In the future it will be boyfriend issues. And work issues. And friend issues and aaah. Always an issue. Everything is always an issue.

    She has so much anger you are right. So much that or overwhelms her. She notices every once in a while she’s ashamed of it. But she quickly validates herself and reminds herself – roar! I’m justified!! Look how unlucky I am. Of course. Angry. Roar. Of course I act this way. It’s not like YOU DONT!!!!

    No sister. We don’t. Well adjusted adults don’t. Stop thinking you are above and better adjusted then you are. You are troubled.

    Your guilt is a mechanism just like mom’s. Now that I see it as a mechanism over a reality. I no longer have to jump to support it.

    It’s lies. And it’s hysteria and harassing.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,380 total)