Forum Replies Created
January 28, 2020 at 5:09 am #335470
good morning my friend.
we are moving out of nyc on Friday! Oh how quickly it all happened. We are then going to India on Monday for a month! Family wedding and some travels before the move.
I wanted to let you know that I will be away for the next few months given this. I will check in when I can – and will always be thinking of our talks. Thank you for helping to set me up for success in this next chapter. To India and California and beyond! As I pack my boxes I think of how much growth the last 3 years have had. Hard to believe – and I have a hunch that more is right around the corner. Again – thank you for your dedicated study of what is my journey and support as always. I shall be in touch when I can!
CCJanuary 24, 2020 at 7:29 am #334858
Thank you for taking the time to write the thorough post. I have read just the beginning. Over the next few days I’m going to be extremely hectic moving in and out of the apartment and getting things ready for the move. I didn’t tell you, but we are going to India for the month of February. Something my husband has not done in years and it will be special! We haven’t planned or booked the tickets yet lol! Crazy times.
I will give the post the time and respect it needs next week after this weekend passes, I will get back to you on Monday or Tuesday after reading it all thoroughly and letting it sink in and posting my reply. Just wanted to let you know in case you’re waiting for my reply throughout the weekend. Yay Cali Chica is going to California! Let’s get it going!! Talk to you soon my dear Anita- have a great weekend and talk next week!January 22, 2020 at 6:00 pm #334598
Sorry for the delay. Complicated day but I’ll get into that later. Quite stressful. Anyway- back to us I assume you are away from the computer so we can continue this discussion tomorrow or whenever you are free.
I am glad I read both back to back. Here is the thesis for me:
no, neither one of them, not your mother, not your sister wanted your functionality or help so that they can function better. This is your make-believe which gave you that sense of being valued as a child (which I talked about in the previous post). It is true that the two of them need to function better, but this is not what they want. They had a more immediate need which was to satisfy their impulsive need, which in the case of your sister, it is the need to blame you.
Your sister is helping herself to you by pointing the finger of blame at you: your fault! You are hurting me! Here, you did it again! And again! And as you understandably get angry, she has new ammunition to use against you. She is helping herself to you.
So this is new news to me. You have explained this in regards to my mother in the past. The concept of her needing an audience. Not truly “needing” a solution. Makes total sense. I can visualize it and see it clearly. Especially remembering my father or I talking her down, just for her to go into the same hysterics again moments later when an aunt walks through the door. This is pretty pivotal aspect of her personality disorder and BPD.
The friend I used to have – Sarah – I recall episodes like this as well. A very twisted way of getting attention – but never ever being satisfied or happy.
Now to my sister. I didn’t think of her the same. And I don’t mean to say that I want to lump everyone together. But I had thought she was on “the other side” – my side.
The side that isn’t hysterical and crazy. Troubled – yes. But not that.
Yet I see now that’s not true. I see that I when I placed my MIA note – she reached out practically saying “hey where is SCC” but it wasn’t for My help.
Let’s say I replied and said I’ll come over and help or this or that she would have jumped to the opportunity. But if she found that I was stressed doing it she would have said: oh I never told you to do this.
A key point of a dysfunctional (in emotional ways when it comes to my sister) adult.
She does need help in ways my mother didn’t. Such as is helping her move into Manhattan and in so many different ways. Those are facts.
But she also puts down and de-values SCC. I guess I thought of it like this – she is desperate and lonely in many ways – but also angry and denounces SCC. She in fact comes off as a victim lost puppy some days – but angry beast others. She is needy for love and attention and she does not have it in her life (from any true place unlike me with my spouse). But also does not know how to receive this appropriately or appreciate it.
She is highly troubled and erratic and hysterical.
Now – I want you to elaborate the aspect of “my sister is helping herself to me.” I understand it but would like to discuss furtherJanuary 22, 2020 at 12:00 pm #334574
Dear Anita, thank you for your posts! I will read throughly and reply back in a few hours when I am back homeJanuary 22, 2020 at 9:56 am #334540
I read the above post throughly. I actually would like to read both posts before replying if that would be okay with you. If so I will wait to read the second portion. Thanks and take your timeJanuary 22, 2020 at 7:19 am #334512
Thank you Anita!!! Interesting the gut feeling right! Cali Chica indeed!
I would love for you to put together that in some posts. It will be great to read while I mentally prepare for the move and all that goes with change and new beginnings!January 22, 2020 at 6:36 am #334506
It is official! We are moving to California!!January 16, 2020 at 12:08 pm #333913
The origin yes. And there’s not just one origin.
I don’t feel guilty about separating from yet another origin of sickness. Not at all. I feel relief.
I see clearly how she has robbed me and my husband of peace and I vow to never let that happen again.
The plan will be set in place once the relocation decision is made. As My mind is occupied by that but I am grateful for the ability to have this month without her energy. It has been very nice indeed to not have her involved in this intimate inner circle decision making time. It’s a sign of how things could be. How things should be. Just Mt husband and I and our life. No tainting from.others.January 16, 2020 at 11:45 am #333899
Thanks for your input. I’ll keep you posted.
Yes I have gotten to a point of clarity with my sister. Especially given the Incident in Philadelphia. And also because this painstaking decision has required My husband and I to be undistracted by anyone and also to have good whole energy. I did not allow her to take away from that. Even when she tried while we were at brunch- I shot it down. That’s it.
Now is that the end? No. But it’s the beginning. And that’s huge.
I hope you are feeling better from your fall.
We love SD, beautiful breezy, full of that true Socal culture. But the job is not bad, but not a homerun. It doesn’t scream “uproot your life and move here!!”
OC (the coastal) parts are equally beautiful albeit slightly more snooty or plastic. But you know what. There’s that everywhere. There’s good ans bad energy everywhere. What matters is from within.
Next – I notice I am able to find clarity more quickly these days than even a few months ago. I notice this is a sign of progress. Being bogged down by rumination and second guessing is a sign of no – not a weak mine. But a weakened not rooted spirit. I notice My spirit getting stronger. I notice My ability to see all sides or something. Whether it is a person, place, or Thing. I notice that I don’t feel as guilty about my duty to others. Or If I do it passes. I don’t feel overwhelmed by it for days on end.
In addition – I notice that I frankly don’t care as much about others anymore. Not in that sense. But in the sense of: live and let live.
No one is sitting at home worrying about me all day. That would be silly. People work properly and are happy when they have an inner circle or focus (no matter what it may be). Without this groundededness – it’s impossible.
Live and let live. We are all worthy of some peace.January 16, 2020 at 11:19 am #333889
I agree. You know what, I thought a lot of that today. So to summarize – in CA we had 2 opportunities. Newport Beach vs San Diego as you know.
SD – it doesn’t appear to be financially much better than here. And the concept of moving and uprooting and starting fresh to have a high overhead cost doesn’t seem ideal. Although SD is ideal in many other ways.
OC- Well you know the guy that wants to hire us. We have had many more talks with him. one good thing about his practice is the lower overhead. MUCH lower. As he has built out more of a niche practice thus streamlining costs. Next – he has a huge patient population and following. I don’t see difficulty with either of us finding patients given that. He is nice although definitely with an ego and someone that is not like us – in the sense that he built and achieved a vision and didn’t focus on being relaxed and family when he was younger. Now he wishes to step back from clinical work over time and allow the younger surgeons (such as the one he hired 3 years ago and potentially my husband) to continue. Financially there would be more future opportunity without as much of a plateau as SD as he continues to expand.
Location wise we like Huntington Beach and in many ways area is similar to SD of course.January 16, 2020 at 10:45 am #333879
Wow- regarding the electric and weather! Well I am glad you are in town and have the option to spend time there and read and write. I am glad for this for you.
Regarding the rest of your post.
I simply do not care as much anymore. I know it may not sound real – but it’s true. Something that day (the one I wrote out to you when we are in Philadelphia) changed within me. Not that I don’t care about her. But I feel that day I surrendered my SCC role. Knowing that it was of no use with someone that’s acts like this. This meaning: all the spectrum she showed that day as being a microcosm. Happy excited, feeling lucky. Then annoyed confused and tired. Then angry and frankly just b****y. That last word was key. Man she really is just being a plain B. Not sad. Not scared. Not annoyed. But frankly a B.
I don’t have expectations of her to do any of the following: appreciate mY SCC role. Ask for it or things related to it in a normal fashion. Politely refuse it in a normal fashion. Acknowledge the reality of who she is and much more. No. Just like I didn’t with my mom once I finally figured who she was.
She is an adult and she will be fine on her own. If she isn’t she will learn to cope. We all do. That’s real life. And enabling her eccentricities and hysteria is not helping anyone.
So the plan is key. Yes it is.
Anita. My husband and I are knee deep no eye deep in the decision. NY or CA. Without further in this exact moment. What does your gut say for us? East or West?January 15, 2020 at 4:25 pm #333731
When a passive aggressive person does what she does, her victim feels anger because we partly know that we are being used, but what happens next is that we are not sure, so we feel guilty for feeling anger at the … “weak” victimizer. So extra guilt is added to previous guilt. And for the passive-aggressive, our guilt is their gold.
This statement is as much gold as that guilt you reference is for the BPD person. This has been my MO for my entire life. NOT because I chose it. Not because I am over zealous. Over involved and over enthusiastic about getting involved. No.
The first and foremost disrespect is her telling me that “no one told you to do that or act that way.” If we need proof and we are now lawyers – well this above text message my jury is my proof. My sister and mother RELY on me for security and functionality. They both disgrace me for thinking that this is myrole or burden besause they are secretly jealous of that ability of mine. Neither would last half a second managing as much as I do. Yet, they consider themselves whole capable and very intelligent (emotionally).
See she NEEDS my SCC..not only does she NEED it, she gets angry if it goes away for a mere few days!!
One may say well it’s not everyday she gets cockroaches, so maybe there what set her off and made her more seeking. No.
No my jury. Today it’s cockroaches. Last year was a strange health issue. Then it was suicidal feelings/threats over a break up. Then it was wanting to quit her training program.
In the future it will be boyfriend issues. And work issues. And friend issues and aaah. Always an issue. Everything is always an issue.
She has so much anger you are right. So much that or overwhelms her. She notices every once in a while she’s ashamed of it. But she quickly validates herself and reminds herself – roar! I’m justified!! Look how unlucky I am. Of course. Angry. Roar. Of course I act this way. It’s not like YOU DONT!!!!
No sister. We don’t. Well adjusted adults don’t. Stop thinking you are above and better adjusted then you are. You are troubled.
Your guilt is a mechanism just like mom’s. Now that I see it as a mechanism over a reality. I no longer have to jump to support it.
It’s lies. And it’s hysteria and harassing.January 14, 2020 at 7:28 pm #333519
Pinot noir yes! Next – HAHAHAHAH
I literally laughed out loud at your response at home- My dog looked at me funny!! The reason I asked for your input for the text message above is because I knew that you would tell me something honest. Oh my gosh I love your response I can’t stop smiling and laughing! The authenticity of our interactions!
So…I agree. Entirely. I thought the same exact thing, the part of it that I didn’t pick up on is what you said, you are a terrible sister. You are right. She is insinuating that I am not doing my role. “Role” as a good sister
Her text message was in a big way – a reminder to me saying “hey I know that you don’t really care about me as a priority, but I’m fine over here, here are some issues that I may have just in case you’re wondering, but you’re likely not wondering because you’re a selfish. A sister that no longer cares at my my day-to-day life or my safety. But in case you find it in your heart to care about me here is some information I will tell you.”
So when I read this message I was at brunch with my husband. I did not drop everything to respond to her. But I will tell you the few things that went through my mind.
First of all I read it and I was astonished. I thought, what are you talking about? If I was actually worried about the earthquakes and your trip I would’ve reached out to you. You’re making something up just to find an excuse to talk to me so that you can shame me for not caring about something as worldly as an earthquake!!! I’m not an idiot, I know about natural disasters, and I wouldn’t let anyone I know go on a trip to a national disaster place. Also no one goes on a trip —a girls trip to a place that just had an earthquake if it is in shambles. No one does that. It’s not a thing. so there was zero risk of that happening. Don’t bring up stuff to get attention.
Next, you mention the part about the cockroaches in your apartment. The old me would have dropped everything and said what can I do to help you. You said there are cockroaches in my apartment since Sunday, the exterminators are coming.
i respond to the text with this:
“Glad you can still go on your trip, yes go ahead and send me any information you would like. Oh that sucks the cockroaches, glad it’s getting settled – I hope thats been OK for you.
No it’s been kinda scary and horrible-the cockroaches lol”
She’s making a joke about a response. If that response came from anyone else it would be funny. It could even be a laugh out loud moment. Of all things cockroaches! A typical classic New York City scenario not uncommon! But here she is, Not trying to quell my fears, not trying to say hey sister I’m fine, no need to worry. She’s trying to do the opposite, she’s trying to instigate worry in me!!! A younger sister who actually cares about what I texted her that I’m going to be missing in action and not really be available would not go out of her way to remind me of something that she is going through if it’s frivolous like cockroaches!! She would not go out of her way to find a way to have me concerned!! She would not go out of her way to remind me that she exists and I should be on her radar.
I did not get mad at her text, I responded above, nicely and politely like I would do to anyone else. The thing is, she’s not just anyone else, she is my sister and we have had a lot of history.
She told me that she would send the addresses to me. This is something that we always have done for our parents in the past. Normal thing when traveling. Tell them our itinerary. Sure. Perhaps she misses having that security, someone looking over her. That makes sense, and any psychology book you would read that, a child or person that has recently gone no contact is going to crave that parental figure, someone who is concerned about them looking over them, someone that they can rely on.
But if you’re so concerned about having this person who is someone you can rely on, someone who wants to give you safety. A figure that is there for love and support, why would you be passive aggressive? Why would you act like an unpredictable b****? Why would you sabotage this by acting impulsively and brash, And not respecting someone in this scenario?
when I say not respecting I’m not saying that she sitting there throwing bricks at us and cursing us out every day. But the way that she acts passive aggressive is still not an excuse. She is unpredictable and the way that she shows concern and respect. Just two weekends ago she was extremely rude.
My dog was staying with her for a day because she stated that she was going to miss him if we move. She wanted him to spend more time with her dog before we moved. So I gave in and said OK I have to go to Philadelphia for an evening, so why doesn’t he come over then. What ended up happening is the following. Our event in Philadelphia ended up being longer than usual. The friend that I was spending time with is actually a very close friend of mine, s. And someone else who you don’t know. Anyway, we are like family I’ve known them for a long time. The parents invited me to their house for dinner, which is right outside of Philadelphia, after the event that we went to. So I was texting my sister that we might end up actually staying another night in Philadelphia, or coming home really late.
Earlier that day she talked about how Much she loved my dog, and was so happy to have them over, and it was brilliant seeing both of the dogs playing together, heartwarming. She said pick him up at any time this weekend. Best time ever and so many fun pics and videos. I said great, we exchange some pictures from my day and that was that. So then, backing up, I text her and say that we might end up coming home later than we thought, and might even end up staying an extra night in Philadelphia as we are going over for dinner after the event. Therefore it’s going to be later, as of course New York City is a 2 Hour Drive.
At first she responds fine, and then she talks about how she is not feeling well, and she is feeling sick. I said to her, OK well if you’re not feeling OK we can come back early. She then starts texting things like let’s stick to the prior plan. Anything later than the evening is not going to be OK for me. I really need to get rest, (side note my dog doesn’t let anyone sleep in – my Husband and I are accustomed to this because given our fields, we hardly ever sleep in past 7 AM hence why he as a dog child is likely used to this). She said that she has a bad cold and so she’s going to sleep early and wants to get a good nights sleep before the work week.
I said OK, well in that case why don’t I pay for your cab to go across town and why don’t you just drop him off in my apartment? So that you can go to sleep in peace and you know that he won’t be waking you up at 7 AM on a Sunday.
she says no. “No, I can’t do that. It’s P birthday and we are all going out.” I think to myself OK so you’re too sick to have my dog over, someone that you really want it over and kept going on and on about. But you’re not sick enough to go out with your friend. I reasoned with myself, I remember being in my mid 20s, and I would never give up a social event even if I wasn’t feeling well. So I got it. I remember those days but hmmmm
Sometime passes and I was spending some time with my Philadelphia Crew. I half an hour or so later, all of them kept begging us to stay over. We hadn’t had a Philly reunion in years, and so therefore they were saying, please stay longer let’s have dinner and have you guys stay over, we need some quality time.
I text my sister again, like a normal sister. I tell her all about the friends that we are hanging out with and I tell her, everyone’s asking us to stay later, so what do you think? She replies, OK it’s fine I’ll just keep him over.
What a strange turn of events all day she was going on and telling me all about her day, sending me millions of pictures, and now all of a sudden her demeanor changed. Now she was direct and certain and not warm.
So we had to our friends apartment after our dinner, it’s about 9 PM, we all have a glass of wine and some chatter. My husband and I are not feeling so comfortable, first of all we didn’t necessarily want to sleep over as there was a full house, and we had already lost a lot of sleep the night before, sleeping in our own beds was probably something we needed. Second of all, my sister’s demeanor with that Chad didn’t make us feeling very comfortable about keeping our dog with her, if you know what I mean. It wasn’t a warm and fuzzy and comforting situation. So at 10 PM we started driving back. No big deal.
I text her and say- Hey we are not going to sleep over after all, driving back now I’ll be home around midnight. Please keep your door open I will come in and grab the dog, I know you will be sleeping because you don’t feel good.
oh I will be up then – and she proceeds to send me a barrage of pictures of the dogs.
at that point I hate to say it but my response our loud to my husband was this:
this chick is insane.
Back and forth and back and forth. Luckily I did not allow her to take away from my quality time in Philadelphia. But it started off with her super excited about spending time with the dogs. If that and went to her being stressed out about feeling ill. I don’t want to anger and passive aggressive behavior for keeping my dog, and having him potentially disturb her sleep that she so very much needed. It ended up with her giving in in an aggressive way and saying fine I’ll deal with it. And then after the fact when I try to accommodate again at almost midnight, she acts like she is as lighthearted and fun as could be and states oh don’t worry, I’ll just be fine, I’ll be awake. And proceeds to send funny pictures of the dogs like nothing ever happened. As though —-yay happy dog lover having a blast over here.
It was then that I knew that I was no longer dealing with a normal person. It was then that I knew that my sister has a serious personality disorder. It was then that I knew that she could never be a part of my inner circle. It was then that I knew that I had to tell Anita, and that this was something big. My sister is much more damaged – but more so damaging to me than I ever thought.January 14, 2020 at 6:49 pm #333513
yes more water for us. For today and beyond! A glass of red wine though, hard to pass on that!
Great timing for this conversation, earlier today when my husband and I were at brunch. Yes, we were at brunch, that would never happen during a regular weekday! But as you know I have quit my job, and my husband has had some more free days recently, which has been great given our large task at hand, still continuing to make that decision. More on that later though.
So my sister texted me around noon- she wrote something like this:
Hey hope you are well. In light of the recent earthquakes in Puerto Rico, I wanted to let you know that San Juan is safe and we are still going on a trip this weekend. I’ll text you the address of my hotel, and where the dog is staying just in case. Also -cockroach incident in my apartment since Sunday.
(she’s heading to aGirl trip bachelorette party this long weekend in Puerto Rico planned a while back)
Before I continue— hmm- I actually want to know your candid random thoughts about her text message above before I add my input.
January 14, 2020 at 6:34 pm #333507
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Cali Chica.
Goodness! What a night you had. My advice for you for tonight, and perhaps tomorrow. Eat some good heavy meals, and a lot of water.
I have a good feeling that your husband will be great in that department, giving you some good scrumptious meals. Meals water than you would normally drink. Take it easy, try not to go on the treadmill and just literally be lazy!! sit on the bed sofa and sink in. Tylenol and Advil are okay as long as you don’t have any issues with them. I have a feeling that you collapsed overnight not because of the mix between Tylenol and wine, but because of the shock and perhaps you were dehydrated from the wine, fireplace et Cetera. Also I have a feeling that you’re a lot like me, I’d like to push yourself even when you’re injured, it’s difficult to say: OK let me just be and give myself a day or two. But do that! Yes give in to slowing down!
I’ll wait for your reply before I continue about everything else we’ve spoken about. Health is first!