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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 197 total)
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  • #388180
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Very busy and very tired right now.  Trying to get ready for mediation and lots going on a work.  We are going back to the office next Tuesday-Thursday and I’m trying to change some of my schedule and find a dog sitter.

    I have a friend and I’m not sure I have spoke about him very much.  He is only 27 but has been a great friend to me.  Because he is a guy and likes the ladies-he has also given me advice about guys I liked.  He has usually been right about them.  However, I’m getting a little sick of his advice.  I’m starting realize that his advice gives me anxiety.  It also tends to hurt my feelings.  I cannot really explain the reasons why.  he can be harsh with his words in general.  But he can also be extremely nice and helpful.  he has said in the past that he has a large crush on me.

    What worries me is he’s right about things but I also think he is jealous. Can that cloud his judgement?

    I met someone named Jason last week and we have continued to talk and have met up a few times.  I’ve never even come close to kissing him.  Now right away my friend said no he just wants to hook up.  So then I went on a spiral of course. When I talked to Jason he asked why would I think that because I don’t strike him as the hook up type.  He said that if he didn’t like me would wouldn’t ask me to come and casually hang out with him.  He talks about things in the future etc.

    Lindsey

     

    #388181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Keep doing your best to remain calm as you get ready for mediation while tired, busy at work, etc. In regard to your 27-year old friend, I am sure that sometimes his advice is wrong, just like anyone’s. There is a saying that even a broken clock is RIGHT twice a day, and I add to it: working clocks break too, or they get covered with dust..  and therefore they are not always right. The fact that he has a crush on you does not mean that he is trying to turn you against men you meet.. unless his advice is always the same: to get away from men you meet.

    As far as him telling you that Jason wants to hook up and nothing more: he would be correct in regard to… 40% of men in dating sites (I am only guessing as to the percentage), without knowing anything about any of the men, just relying on statistics. You can figure this out yourself, without his help by simply asking a man and then having the patience to see if his actions fit his words. he talks about the future.. that’s good, but again, you have to have the patience to see his actions, over time.. while not hooking up with him.

    anita

    #388210
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I need to add some things that I did not mention before.  I just read my message to you yesterday and your response again.

    I am going to work this weekend on getting notes together for mediation discussion which is next Friday.  The kids and I may go to the zoo tomorrow or Sunday.  It’s cold here, 30’s up to 50’s but will be warmer this weekend.  I’m glad we can do things and there are no sports practice or games.  Going to the zoo is one of my favorite things to do.

    Ok. So. The last two times I met Jason I took the least amount of benzo as possible. The size was like a large crumb.  I took it because I was nervous..  Anita I felt like what it would be like to not have an anxiety disorder. It was awesome really.  But guess what- for 2 days I felt like I had a hangover.  I had increased anxiety-it was pretty bad.  It was like this is the cost for me to be normal.  And I can’t really do it anymore. Who wants a hangover?  I started thinking and I had just filled a new perscription a few months ago because the old one had been expired.  Which means I had been using the old expired bottle  as needed for probably a year.  Which would explain the hangover.  The meds in the old bottle were not very strong.

    Also-my friend does tell me to stay away from men in general.  He says that I need someone who is not good looking and not good with the ladies because they will be the nice guys.  He basically said there is no one out there for me.

    Lindsey

     

    #388212
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Keep preparing for the mediation next Friday. I hope the weather Sat or Sun is good enough to enjoy the zoo and to get the animals out and about so that you and the kids will enjoy watching them. Las zoo I was in was years ago, the Los Angeles Zoo, I remember walking a lot, up and down, a spread out zoo.

    The last two times I met Jason I took the least amount of benzo as possible…  Anita I felt like what it would be like to not have an anxiety disorder. It was awesome really”– I remember the magic.. although after some time of taking a benzo (Klonipin) regularly, the magic was gone. Tolerance to drugs means “a person’s diminished response to a drug, which occurs when the drug is used repeatedly and the body adapts to the continued presence of the drug” (online).  I guess that you experienced that awesome relief from your usual anxiety because you didn’t take it for days or longer before meeting Jason.

    But guess what- for 2 days I felt like I had a hangover.  I had increased anxiety-it was pretty bad“- if currently you are not dependent on benzos, stop taking them. It was hell for me to quit Klonipin.. I almost failed to accomplish it. SSRIs are much preferrable.

    Also-my friend does tell me to stay away from men in general.  He says that I need someone who is not good looking and not good with the ladies because they will be the nice guys“- is he not good looking and .. not good with the lades.. lol?

    anita

     

    #388216
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Good point regarding my friend.  No he is not attractive.  He talks constantly about other women and….goes to their house for a little bit and leaves after getting his needs met.  But here is the thing-I have no proof that he actually does any of these things that he talks all the time about.  And he has a girlfriend that he lives with.

    Now someone said on social media that you should not take advice from someone who is not in a healthy relationship or treats their partner fairly.  So has he been correct in the past about men I’ve dated?  Yes. But does that mean he will be right every time?  I just don’t know.  I’m trying to take one day at a time.  I’m making a list of what I should and should not do.  I’m trying not to have expectations and create sceneros in my head.  I just want something to go right for me even if it doesn’t work out.  I want to be happy with my decision.

    Lindsey

    Lindsey

    #388217
    lindsey
    Participant

    Also-

    He has pulled away in the last few months stating he has very strong feelings for me and it hurts to be friends and be around me all the time.  I finally told him the other day that I met someone.  He said ok you will not listen to me anyway.  I can’t keep doing this with you and his friend Kim we both meet men and bad choices.

    So i think this is the heart of the problem.  I already feel doomed because of his opinion of Jason.  It’s like my mother being disappointed in me and in the end I’m going to pay for it.

    Lindsey

    #388218
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I wouldn’t ask for any relationship advice from your 27-year old friend. He isn’t qualified because deceiving his live-in girlfriend, he has failed his relationship with her, so failing his own romantic relationship, he is not qualified to advise you on yours. I can see that this 27-year-old is not a decent person, but I don’t yet see that Jason is not decent.

    anita

    #388219
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    yes good advice and it has been in my head swirling around but not latching on.  Why does his opinion matter to me so much anyway causing anxiety?

    Lindsey

    #388220
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Why does his opinion matter to me so much anyway causing anxiety?“- Maybe (?) because he said he has a huge crush on you, and that makes you feel special.. and you don’t want to disappoint him and lose his crush/ his thinking of you as someone special?

    Lindsey

    #388224
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    More like he’s been right before about the guys I picked being “losers” and just wanting to sleep with me.  What if he’s right again?  There is anxiety with the situation I cannot pin point.  Maybe everyone I pick will be a loser? He’s said in a tough love way that I have some major issues.

    Also yes a little disappointment because he doesn’t approve (but I don’t think he will ever approve due to his crush)

    I like the attention but only to an extent from him.  I mean we are friends.

    Lindsey

     

    #388229
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I don’t like the word “losers”.. what if your 27-year-old friend is a .. loser, whatever it means.. he may as well  be.. what if we are all losers.. after all, we do lose a whole lot in life.. I have.. we all do. Thing is, see to it that in any personal relationship, you are dealing with a person who is honest with you.. a person who tells you  his truth best he knows it to be, and see to it that he matches his words with action, that he treats you with respect. If you are not sure if you are being treated respectfully, describe the man’s behavior to me- I’ll be glad to give you my understanding, or better said, I’ll be glad to figure out with you what his behavior means.

    anita

    #388231
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I was driving home and it all hit me-I had an epiphany.  The root of everything that I have been feeling the last few days is anxiety.  My friend was telling me the truth in his own way and as best he could.

    I was upset because I know the truth.  There is a very good chance this man wants to be in a relationship with me- however-

    just because someone wants a relationship with you does not mean it will be healthy or what I need emotionally.

    There is a good chance this guy will not end up being able to meet my emotional needs.  So I’m not putting all of my eggs in one basket. And I’m not going to worry or text him.  Who really cares at the end of the day.

    Lindsey

    #388232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “Who really cares at the end of the day”- what a profound sentence, fitting an epiphany! It is now 3:13 pm, my time and I will be leaving soon for a long walk and some social event, will be back to your thread Sat morning, in about .. 15 hours from now. Have a restful Friday evening, Lindsey!

    anita

    #388239
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    The root of everything that I have been feeling the last few days is anxiety“- anxiety is powerful and not in a good way. To function better we have to manage our anxiety, to continually lower it, keep it manageable.

    There is a good chance this guy will not end up being able to meet my emotional needs“-there is a 100% chance that he will not be able to meet all of your emotional needs, not even most. Same is true in my case: no one can meet most or all of my emotional needs. This is the case because I grew up with too much emptiness, for so long.. that the emptiness took hold inside me, and there are too many dreams unlived, too many desires unfulfilled.. for too long.

    If a man can meet some of your emotional needs and you can meet some of his and overall it is a Win-Win relationship.. that’s good enough!

    anita

    #388335
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita + Lindsey,

    this below is crucial – and how interesting as it has been over a year that I have been on this forum chatting with Anita

    There is a good chance this guy will not end up being able to meet my emotional needs“-there is a 100% chance that he will not be able to meet all of your emotional needs, not even most. Same is true in my case: no one can meet most or all of my emotional needs. This is the case because I grew up with too much emptiness, for so long.. that the emptiness took hold inside me, and there are too many dreams unlived, too many desires unfulfilled.. for too long”

    The The emptiness that comes from various condition such as having an unfulfilling childhood, and unloving mother, and so forth is lifelong. Often we utilize a romantic interest/spouse as a means to fill that void subconsciously. Even the most educated and self-aware of us do this given that filling such a hole and avoid is essential to finding any sort of true feeling of safety in life, let alone joy. It is important to see as above that this person, nor any person can truly fulfill you, but if they are dedicated to getting to know the authentic you, and you are as well – That is good enough,  good enough means that in this crazy world with so many of us having history of trauma that leads to present anxiety, to find a person that’s willing to grow with you, to know the real you, to help you know the real you. That is what it’s about.

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 197 total)

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