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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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  • This topic has 445 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 days ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 446 total)
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  • #407652
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Kooper barked a few moments ago (I can hear him, he has a loud bark). Like I said, it’s the responsibility involved with having a dog that bothers me, but I am thinking about it..  having my own beagle puppy (it makes me smile!)

    He is giving mixed signals and not clear.  I felt rejection when he responded with ‘not really, just telling you about a free movie’… he just shrugged his shoulders saying ‘I don’t know’“- he is using the Teflon Strategy (TS): whatever he doesn’t want to deal with, he lets it slide off him, like oil off Teflon. Another way to say it: he is using the Toe-in-the-water Strategy (TWS):  he dips his toe in the water (bringing up the movie night) and… quickly moves his foot away from the water (“not really.. I don’t know“).

    Maybe I should just let it go. Not beat a dead horse so to speak“- (I am in a humorous mood this morning): this is the Dead Horse Strategy (DHS): he makes a sound that indicates the horse is alive (bringing up the movie night) and… goes dead (“not really… I don’t know“)

    I don’t understand how to move forward with people saying things about us being together for a while and not knowing how to talk about it with him because he seems to freeze up“- as far as people volunteering their critical opinions in regard to your personal relationship with Jason, I am sure that if you wanted to, you can criticize their personal relationships plenty, so…

    In regard to Jason freezing up… I wonder if talking with him while the two of you relax in a sauna or in a hot tub can thaw him (I mean it, I am not joking)?

    anita

    #407889
    lindsey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can try the sauna approach but I don’t think he will thaw LOL.

    Here is an example of how completely confused I am.  So yesterday I came across and really good song about liking how someone makes you feel etc.  Then I got anxiety about sending it. First I thought a song was a bit cheesy but most importantly he would take it as an indicator love is being said (well, singing actually) versus really what the lyrics say.  I spoke with him later about it when I went to his house. I felt things were a little off but possibly b/c of the anxiety of the situation. We spoke briefly about it but I woke up this morning thinking I never told this guy that the song meant I really like him and do like how he makes me feel (per the lyrics of the song).

    So I sent him a message this morning about it saying the song meant like and not more. Was more than like his impression?  He responded with “I do” and a joking emoji.  His unclear responses are annoying. I’m not bringing it up again since I feel like i have already and I do have anxiety. I’m sitting here still confused as to the entire situation.

    Lindsey

    #407890
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good Monday morning. I didn’t understand: “I spoke with him later about it when I went to his house”- what did you say, what did he say?

    “So I sent him a message this morning”- what did the message say exactly?

    anita

    #407891
    lindsey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Last night I told him I get nervous about putting myself out there because I do not like to feel vulnerable.  Because we both had difficult marriages – trauma involved- things are difficult in new relationships- which he agreed. I also spoke about how I like to take things slow- used your example of dipping toes in the water. He agreed about prior trauma in his marriage and that was it.  I said I didn’t think the sending the song was a good idea.  He was quiet and did not add much while I was talking.

    I woke up this morning with the thought I never cleared up the meaning of the song- I sent a message this morning saying  I wanted to make sure it was clear that the song was in reference to liking him- not more- when we spoke last night.   He responded with “I do.” and sent a joking emoji.  I didn’t say anything else beside have a good Monday. I do not want to keep bringing up the subject however I want him to be clear about the meaning of sending the song.

    #407892
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    The conversation last night reads fine to me: good, honest sharing on your part, and his response brief but fine. You wrote about last night:” I felt things were a little off but possibly b/c of the anxiety of the situation“- anxiety always feels off, so when you feel off, ask yourself: am I anxious? If you are, you have your reason for feeling off.

    He responded with ‘I do.’ and sent a joking emoji“- so the question he answered was (paraphrased, Lindsey asking Jason): do you understand that the song means that I like you, not that I love you?

    I’m sitting here still confused as to the entire situation“- reads to me that Jason is not a  man with many words, at least not when it comes to talking about romantic emotions. Therefore  his “I do” and joking emoji was his quickest way to dodge the awkwardness it would have taken to give you an elaborate response.

    So I sent him a message this morning… I wanted to make sure it was clear that the song was in reference to liking him- not more… I want him to be clear about the meaning of sending the song“-

    -this is your anxiety driving your thinking and your thinking fueling your anxiety. Instead of obsessing about this, do  NPAR: Notice  that you are anxious and obsessing, Pause: stop the obsessing, Address the situation: what happened/ what is really happening which requires further response? (the answer is: nothing, really), and then Respond-or-not (not in this case), and Redirect your attention to something else.

    It’s a difficult practice but it gets easier the more you practice.

    anita

    #407893
    lindsey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I still think you need to get a beagle puppy!

    Yes I agree with you.  My job is very stressful and busy right now- definitely bigger fish to fry so to speak. Best to let that go- my anxiety is fueling the fire b/c of my own traumatic past and being uncomfortable with my feelings… and myself.

    My unhappiness with work is another struggle.  Will send a more detail when I can later…work is crazy.

    Lindsey

    #407896
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    My first smile of the say is owed to you: yes, I think that I do need to get a beagle puppy!!!

    Sometimes when I read your posts, like reading your most recent, I feel amazed by how much progress you made over time, both emotionally and practically… amazing!

    Attend to your work then and send me a more detailed post later, whenever you want to.

    anita

    #408367
    lindsey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    work wise we are just understaffed and over worked. I’m looking on the internet for a new job. Big step not sure what I will do.

    Currently dealing with a serious issue. Monday night Jason took a very personal photo of me while my head was turned and I could not see what he was doing. He’s asked to take personal ohotos of me before and I’ve always said no.

    It didn’t really register with me about him having his cell phone and taking a picture until the next morning. I sent a text asking him if he took a picture and he said yes but deleted it. We had a phone conversation and he apologized. I keep going back and forth from being upset and then when he says something nice temporarily being ok.

    I am thinking about ending the relationship. The photo was as personal as you can get. I feel humiliated. I am very sensitive about my body and I do not like taking pictures in general.

    I feel drained about even having a conversation because I’m also angry. He knew I would say no about a picture.

    I’ve spoken with 1 or 2 close friends about what happened. They think I need to talk with him but the situation may not call for a breakup.

    I feel this will linger especially in the bedroom. I think about just not wanting to deal with him and start house back riding. I don’t know if the relationship will be healthy for me. It affects me more due to coercion with sex during my marriage. Help.

    lindsey

     

    #408371
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It was wrong and stupid of him to take a personal photo of you without your knowledge- after you repeatedly said No to his earlier requests to take such photos of you. I feel angry at him for having done so! I can see how it triggered your sexual coercion experience with the ex-husband.

    I am sorry that you are going through this (you didn’t need this added stress on top of being overworked) , and that you are going through this because of his carelessness. He owes you more than an apology. He needs to make amends: some action that will show you (more than in words) how sorry he is.

    anita

     

    #408391
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey

    Please can I ask do you not like your photo taken at all? Many people are camera shy & that includes me. Many years ago a good friend was starting to teach himself to draw & paint and asked if I would pose for some photos, I explained that I did not take a good photo and was very self concious, but I wanted to it not to become a phobia and so we spent a couple of hours photographing me – out of over 100 shots there was about 6 that I was happy with. My friend then did a pencil portrait of me and then gave it to me as a present which I still treasure ten years later.

    Then there is also the big issues of trust, respect & privacy all of which have probably been severely dented/broken by his actions, which may mean the end of the relationship from your point of view.

    He may of just wanted a photo of his beloved and did not think thru the inappropiateness of what he was doing.You may wish to choose an ordinary photo of your self that you wish him to have of you if you choose to continue being in a relationship, this puts the control of your image firmly back in your court where it belongs.

    best wishes

    Roberta

     

    #408412
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Lindsey, any news?

    anita

    #408413
    lindsey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have an initial phone interview Monday at Liberty Mutual Insurance!

    Regarding Jason and the photo. My mood for the last 2 days has fluctuated from anger, hurt, confusion.  Since today my emotions have calmed down a bit. When I see him tomorrow night I am going to give him some firm boundaries in personal matters.
    we will go from there I guess.

    puppy status?

    Lindsey

    #408415
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It is the desire of my little heart to have a beagle puppy. All the beagles available to be adopted in the area have already been adopted…but it is only a matter of time before I am the proud mother of a beagle, says I. Regarding Jason… give him some firm boundaries tomorrow, and he better not repeat his misdeed!

    anita

    #408416
    anita
    Participant

    Oh, and congratulations for setting the interview Monday!

    anita

    #408701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    How did the interview go and otherwise?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 446 total)

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