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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 455 total)
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  • #387322
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    As I read your most recent post, I am listening to Whitney Houston’s Run to You. I don’t know if listening to this song will make you feel better or worse, I just happen to love this song: “I want to run to you.. ohh.. but if I come to you.. ahhh.. tell me, will you stay or will you run awayyyyy??? Run.. away.. I need you here to wipe away my tears, to  kiss away my fears… How much I want to run to you… ooh.. will you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm..?

    Isn’t this beautiful.. the yearning we have to run to someone who will keep us safe from harm..?

    Anyway, back to reality, Shawn ain’t the one for you to run to! I like your “bird LOL”- another one of Lindsey’s LOLs and I know therefore that Lindsey is okay.

    anita

    #387343
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Do you think emotional hurt or damage is the same as physical hurt. Such as falling and bruising your leg? Initially it doesn’t hurt but then day 1 is bad and day 2 is way worse.

    That’s how I feel.  I put myself in this position again. and again. and again.

    Not having a great day so far.  Can you tell me something positive or help me? Same conversation. Same results. Same bad feelings about myself

    Lindsey

    #387344
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Emotional hurt is more than bruising a leg. About putting yourself in the same position again and again.. and again.. I did too. There is a term for it, the compulsion to repeat, or the repetition compulsion.

    Something positive to tell you.. let me think.. Here is a saying: “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future“- and by forgiving I mean: forgive yourself for the again-and-again part, for the compulsion to repeat: no reason for you to feel bad about yourself because the compulsion to repeat is not specific to you, it’s a Human Compulsion.. everyone is compelled to repeat this or that, and often it’s bad or ineffective behaviors that are repeated. Mine currently is procrastination. If you forgive yourself for being human, you are less likely to repeat and .. the future will indeed be different for you!

    anita

    #387351
    lindsey
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    #387352
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Lindsey, anytime.

    anita

    #387602
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Things have been pretty much normal and stress free when I spoke to you last until yesterday.

    For me I believe that the few days or week before I start my  period make an impact on my emotional behavior.  That being said I feel like I’ve been argumentative with my ex  for the last 2 days.  So I’m starting over today.  That’s really all I can do. He’s so awful to deal with.  He brings up such petty things.  He gives instructions on what not to forget all the time with the kids.  The frustration builds up over time.   I found out yesterday that he has hired an attorney.  I was hoping that he would not but really it’s not a surprise.  I do believe things will work out like they are supposed to.  I deserve it.

    So I met someone a few days ago really by chance.  I was bored one evening and reopened my account for a dating site that I had not used for probably a year and half.  I actually deleted the app a few times because the guys tend to be a joke.  So  by random I spoke with a man named Marty.  Anita- it is very disturbing I have run to  unhealthy men with red flags.  I was running to them because I was wired that way.  It’s all I knew.  No boundaries.

    This guy is so normal.  He is not trying to rush things.  He doesn’t say good morning and goodnight and basically check in during the day.  We have actual conversations.  He doesn’t ask things that are too private.  I do not have any anxiety. I don’t wonder or re read texts.  It’s like I’m interested but if it doesn’t work out whatever.  I don’t feel a sense of attachment.  It’s hard to explain.

    Anyway I’m still on vacation and I’m trying to get things back on track like they should be.  Hope you are having a good morning.

    Lindsey

    #387605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Keep going with the legal stuff in regard to the ex with the goal being making your life as a co-parent easier, as easy and smooth as possible.. and making your kids’ lives better for it!

    In regard to Marty, so glad that you are talking to someone.. so normal. Good thing. It is possible that part reason why you are not anxious about him is that you are still on vacation. Let me know of any developments with Marty: let’s say you get distressed and you are just about to act or react to him in a way that you may later regret: talk to me first, tell me about it, will you?

    anita

     

    #387642
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    That is a very good point about not being so anxious because I am on vacation.  I think that is something I will find out next week LOL.  I will be so busy work wise that I really will not have time to think about him or my increased stress level with work may cause some anxious thoughts.

    Anyways I will keep you post about next week and I will try and send you an email if I am feeling anxious.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad but about 50% of me thinks  if he quits texting I would be glad or not really care.  That is a lot to put on my plate right now.  Also with my brain acting healthy-I don’t even know if I will be attracted to Marty.  His behavior is not causing a unhealthy preoccupation that ignores if I am attracted.

    The kids and I have Halloween plans this weekend and I’m excited. Tomorrow night we are going with Amy’s ex husband Dan and his wife Sara to dinner and a football game.  (Amy is Jon’s girlfriend.  Jon is my ex husband.)

    Enjoy your weekend!

    Lindsey

    #387646
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good to read from you before the weekend, thank you for wishing that I enjoy my weekend: I would like that! I remember you enjoying Halloween in years past, and I hope this coming Halloween is exciting and enjoyable for you and the kids, and that tomorrow night dinner and football is enjoyable for you (Utah vs Oregon State, is it?)

    Regarding Marty, you wrote: “I’m not sure if this is good or bad but about 50% of me thinks  if he quits texting I would be glad or not really care… with my brain acting healthy-I don’t even know if I will be attracted to Marty.  His behavior is not causing a unhealthy preoccupation that ignores if I am attracted“-

    – I just posted to another member regarding the repetition compulsion in romantic relationships:  the compulsion to be attracted to and become preoccupied with a difficult romantic interest because he reminds us of a difficult parent. We then try to change the man  from an unavailable and/ or an uncaring man into an available and caring man. We are driven by a desire to change an unavailable and uncaring parent to an available and caring parent .. using the man as a substitute to the parent. Sounds crazy? Yet, it’s real and so very, very common.

    So, avoid the repetition compulsion and if Marty is indeed healthy.. he is your chance to finally have a healthy, loving relationship.. try to find the attraction in that!

    anita

    #387750
    lindsey
    Participant

    Good Morning Anita,

    It’s supposed to rain all day today so the kids and I will have to come up with some indoor activities.  We were supposed to go to the zoo.  It’s been a fun and relaxing weekend. Tomorrow is back to work.  It should not be too bad I worked about 3 or 4 hours yesterday to catch up.

    I believe I ended things with Marty last night.  We were texting and I said I find you funny because I’m interested in you.  He had asked why I though he was funny.  He replied ” I’m flattered. ”  Alarm bell went off.  I think he should have replied thanks I’m flattered I’m interested in you too.  So I said something to him.  He stated I was overthinking.  He wanted to drive down to meet but couldn’t commit past that because he was not sure if he would like me. He should of said that we both may not like each other. No reason to even say he couldn’t commit past that.  There is no commitment.   Another alarm bell.  I realized the vibe I was getting was arrogance.  And I didn’t  like it-red flag.

    So I told him yes I over think that part of me.  So he can decide if he wants to deal with it or not and I’m kind of done with the conversation for the night.  Didn’t hear back.

    I wonder if I handled the end correctly.  It seemed to be dysfunctional in general.  I didn’t say he was arrogant to him.  I wouldn’t want someone saying that to me.  It felt rude. I feel like this would be a waste of my time.

    Lindsey

     

    #387751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    It’s raining and windy here, may lose electricity and internet when the winds escalate. Good to read it’s been a fun and relaxing weekend, and that you are thinking of some fun indoor activities with the kids.

    About Marty, you said: you are funny=> he asked: why do you think I am funny? =>you answered: because I am interested in you=>he said: I am flattered.

    Alarm bell went off.  I think he should have replied thanks I’m flattered I’m interested in you too“- a false alarm at this point: you can’t expect a person to say exactly what you want them to say. When he said that he was flattered, at that point, it didn’t mean that he was not interested in you. Unless a person is a lawyer in a courtroom, people generally do not think about making each sentence they say 100% complete and accurate, covering all possibilities.

    Next, you said something=> he said: you are overthinking…=> he said: I” drive down to meet you but I can’t commit past that because I am not sure if I will like you. I am guessing within this part of the conversation you expressed your alarm, expressing some dissatisfaction with his answer earlier (that he was flattered)?

    “He should of said that we both may not like each other…Another alarm bell.  I realized the vibe I was getting was arrogance”- maybe another false alarm, for the same reason as above: people don’t normally complete their thoughts, producing a 100% complete and accurate sentence.

    Next, you said: yes I over think, you can decide if you want to deal with it or not and I’m kind of done with the conversation for the night=>  didn’t hear back from him.

    “I wonder if I handled the end correctly”- doesn’t sound like you handled any of the conversation that you expressed here correctly, although I am not sure because I don’t have the whole conversation in front of me. Reads like you had the unreasonable expectation that he would say just what you wanted or needed him to say, that you unreasonably expected any one sentence of him to be very complete and accurate, and that you were not tolerant or patient with him.. just speaking to him. Maybe he started feeling that he had to walk on eggshells with you, having to say things just right so to not get your alarms activated?

    anita

    #387755
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Well LOL.  I do believe I over reacted by the 2 comments. Probably because I am protective of myself and getting hurt.

    I do feel like there is a red flag in this situation.  My good friend said he thinks that Marty is not looking for what I am looking for.  He stated similar to my ex Shawn, Marty is not looking for a full commitment that involves work and effort.  He did just get out of a 3 1/2 year relationship a few months ago.

    Maybe that is what’s going on.  I just don’t know.  My friend also stated that Marty will reach back out to me via text.  The reason I listen to him is because he is a guy and he has been right about the men I dated in the past pretty much 100%.

    Lindsey

    #387759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    The two things can be both true at the same time: that you overreacted to what Marty said (or as I’d put it, you reacted to your unrealistic expectation that a person will say just what you think he should say), and that he is not looking for the commitment that you are interested in. I am glad you have a male friend who is right about the men you dated… I think you mentioned him before.

    anita

    #388046
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m reaching out to the  mediator today and setting up an appointment to start the process with my ex.  I have a friend who is very smart and he is going to help me prep for it.  The kids were with my ex for Halloween which was not fun to deal with.

    So regarding the last time we spoke about Marty.  I believe I was a little triggered by some of the statements he made.  However, I found him arrogant and realized he was not look for the commitment I am interested in.  I am already talking with someone else.  This is almost like an experiment to see how soon I recognize red flags and choosing to get out of situations in a healthy manner.  Also it shows how quickly everything moves forward without looking back.

    Lots to do this week. The weekend went by way to quick

    Lindsey

    #388047
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    This mediation process, the goal is to make your communication with the ex as minimal as can be, with minimal distress for you and for the kids, whatever it takes!

    I like the idea of you using a dating app as an experiment to see how quickly you can recognize red flags and get out of undesirable situations in a healthy way. It can also be an experiment in you recognizing (over time and following a lengthy communication)- a decent man: imperfect but decent.. and then staying in a desirable situation with such a man, in a healthy way!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 455 total)

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