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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 114 total)
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  • #386861
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Yes, I am proud of you, you indeed did good: (1) you started minimizing contact with ex: more to minimize, including “No texting with ex”, as you wrote in this recent message!, (2)  you filed papers with your attorney (congratulations!), (3) you arranged for a meeting between your children and a psychologist and (4) you did not impulsively react to feeling anxious regarding Stephen, calming yourself first before acting. Well done, Lindsey!!!

    He makes me feel less than“- you mean the ex makes you feel that way.. shame on him to try to make the mother of his children feel less than! You are not less than anyone!!!

    I hope you enjoy your well-deserved vacation next week, lots of naps and reading and dog parks.. and organizing!

    anita

    #387064
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    it feels like 3 weeks and I spoke with you only 3 days ago. Red flags appeared with Stephen and it became very apparent his goal was to sleep with me. I mentioned it and he was a bit rude and I blocked him on social media. So that is done.

    what is curious yet not fun at all is that today I have some strong feelings of abandonment. I did all the blocking yesterday.  I don’t even think I was talking to him more than a week at most. You get to a point where you feel you will never learn and are stuck. I should have never responded to him at all.

    I just got my car back and I’m trying to figure out how to change the lock on my front door. I’m on vacation This week too if I didn’t tell you.
    I spoke with the paralegal today and everything is moving along except the court date for my attorney and Jon to attend will not be for a month. My attorney will deal with him directly and I don’t have to attend at all. He will be served in about a week.

    please tell me something positive because I feel like I’ve taken a step back.

    lindsey

    #387067
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    “please tell me something positive because I feel like I’ve taken a step back”-

    Something Positive #1: “I spoke with the paralegal today and everything is moving along.. My attorney will deal with him directly and I don’t have to attend at all. He will be served in about a week”.

    Something Positive #2: “Red flags appeared with Stephen and it became very apparent his goal was to sleep with me. I mentioned it and he was a bit rude and I blocked him on social media. So that is done“- well done blocking danger as soon as possible!

    Something Positive #3: “I just got my car back“.

    Something Positive #4: “I’m on vacation This week“- plan something fun for you to do every day, something relaxing and fun!!!

    anita

    #387076
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you very much for your support.  It’s usually needed at the right moment.  I’m going to have lunch with the kids tomorrow.  I just thought of that.

    Lindsey

    #387077
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are very much welcome! have fin with the kids and post here anytime you want to.

    anita

    #387294
    anita
    Participant

    How are you Lindsey?

    anita

    #387295
    lindsey
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I didn’t realize until now that the last time I spoke to you was on the 4th.  Trying to rewind….I am not going down to visit my parents next week.  I had a conversation with my mother that got heated.  By the end I said mom you are not in any shape to have a conversation with me.  I’m going to be the bigger person and end this conversation.  I’m not coming next week it’s not a good idea.  My father is having radiation for a spot on his prostate.  It is very minor-98% success rate but my mother is a wreck and she is not handling it well. (I only realized that in our phone conversation as she doesn’t communicate well-shocking I know lol)

    Last week my vacation was relaxing but a little boring.  I was talking again with Stephen-who lives in Florida that I graduated high school with- but I ended up just blocking his number and his social media account.  He’s an idiot to be honest.

    You are the only person I am telling this to. Not my friends no one.  I’m talking again with Shawn my ex.  Something is pulling me in that direction and it’s probably mental health.  I’m not ready to give it or him up. We are not back together yet. I do know that a lot of what I was thinking and feeling was anxiety during that time frame and I was not discussing it with Shawn.  He was not aware of any problems and feels like I abandoned him at his worst.  I will tell you he came over Sunday night and I felt like I was acting as a mother figure.  He rested his head on my chest and was crying.  He cried a lot during the visit.  I’m at a loss with him because it seems like he also needed to communicate with me and didn’t.  There is a learning experience here.  Or maybe not I have no idea.

    Lindsey

    #387296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I had a strange, somewhat difficult day and when I read your last sentence: “There is a learning experience here.  Or maybe not I have no idea”– I smiled and I realized that I didn’t smile since this early morning, and it’s 3:31 PM! Your sense of humor tickles my brain, it’s funny.

    I think that you made an excellent choice to cancel your trip to Florida and being the bigger person by ending the phone conversation with your mother. About Shawn.. how long was the no-contact break with him and when did you resume contact with him?

    anita

    #387297
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m glad I could make you smile today.  I’m sorry you had a difficult day.  They are not fun at all. Example stuck in the middle of the aisle today at Walmart because my car is messing up again. Shawn was on his way but the body shop gave me some pointers via phone and it started so I made it home.

    Back to Shawn.  After the text break up in July he texted in August.   He pulled the no texting back in August.   I sent a friend request to him on social media but then deleted it twice and this was beginning of October. (I know, I know).  About the text not returned he said it was too much for him to handle at the time.  (He could have sent that info via text-thanks Shawn)  His daughter had many complications with the chemo and they just ended up just getting home. So 3-4 months in Memphis.  He reached out Sunday night via text.  We talked and he came over.  We are figuring out when to meet again via not having kids for either of us.

    I have some explaining to do about my anxiety and how it effects my thinking.  I also need to ask some things of him that I need in a relationship.  There has been poor communication along with the fact that he sucked as a boyfriend.

    Lindsey

    #387299
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Thank you for your empathy. My day is better now, thank you! Is Shawn from Tennessee and does he have that Tennessean accent? I love that accent! Anyway, if “he sucked as a boyfriend” better not hire him for the job again unless he.. attends some boyfriend-workshop where he can be schooled on how to be a good boyfriend. Because you need a good boyfriend, not ne that sucks at it!

    anita

    #387311
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I mentioned Shawn yesterday, my ex.  His daughter was very sick and the family just got back from her leukemia treatment in St Louis (sorry I said Memphis yesterday)

    I feel very frustrated. On Sunday he reached out to me and came over to discuss us and the relationship.  He left with us agreeing we would continue the conversation when we were free without kids.

    Ok so this open ended situation has caused my anxiety to increase and also my frustration.  1. I have no idea when we will met. He stated he is not sure if he is taking his kids to see his sister this weekend and stay over) 2. He stated he is not sure about getting back together-it is not a yes or a no.  He was very hurt when I ended it via text.

    His feeling is that I abandoned him when his daughter was sick. That I left him a voicemail and didn’t even call.

    Whatever his feelings are I am going crazy because I need a concreate date he is available first off. I am afraid to ask this of him b/c one he already said he is not sure.

    I do not like this situation I am in.

    Lindsey

    #387312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Of course, a parent’s first priority should be their minor-age child, especially when the child is sick.. and especially with such a disease as leukemia. A parent should not be engaged in any relationship that takes away from their time and energy with their child.

    I don’t know him though, I don’t know if he would have given you what you need if his child was not sick.. I don’t even know if he gives his daughter what she needs!

    What you need is not what you are getting from him and that’s very clear to me and to you, and it is not a situation that you like another time around. I wish you knew a decent man who has no kids.. there are such men, not that it makes them relationship material, but it would help to have a boyfriend who is available to be a boyfriend!

    anita

    #387313
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    So I just called him and ended things. I started out telling him that with my anxiety it’s very hard for  me to deal with open ended things like he doesn’t know when we will get together to talk but we will.  Or he doesn’t know if he wants to get back together at this time.

    He then said I was speaking to him in an agressive tone??  That he had told me he wasn’t sure about getting back together but he felt pressure? Why did he reach out in the first place?? I don’t know what he expected from me except a shoulder to cry on?? He was saying all these things about how much he cared for me etc. But on the phone he was a completely different person.

    He acted awful Anita.  Like I was a bother.  And no I do not believe he gives what both his daughters need in general.  I am disappointed in myself.  But I am glad I ended it now versus later.  I can guarantee he would not reach out to me again unless he felt like it- which could be a week or 3 weeks from now.  He probably would not have even texted until then.

    I feel like I was a toy or something to reach out to when it was convenient to him

    Lindsey

    #387320
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You definitely did the right thing ending things, or better say, putting an end to your hope of beginning things again. I am sorry, Lindsey, I so wish a healthy loving relationship for you with a guy who’s right for you. Clearly he is the wrong guy. It’s painful to have a guy go from telling you how much he cared for you etc., to acting like you are a bother. How are you feeling now and what will you be doing this evening to feel better?

    anita

    #387321
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m not sure what to think really. I was very upset when I got off the phone for awhile.  I am starting to feel better I just feel like there is a rock in my stomach.  I know from prior experencies that things will get better each day.  With this situation I think a few days maybe.

    It’s hard for me head to wrap things around.  This is a classic case of someone (me) giving boundaries very clear.  The other person (Shawn) rebels from the boundary and gets rude. (I’m a bother, he told me already, etc).

    So. I do believe that he did not expect me to say ok if you cannot provide this I’m done and he was surprised.  I believe his view was when he is ready he will call or text-I’m not going anywhere.

    This seems to be a struggle for me to process.  These are things that need done in the future but earlier.

    After work the kids and I are getting a bird LOL.  We also have to take a trip to Walmart.  As for the weekend I do not have the kids.  Aiden has a football game out of town on Saturday but my car is not driving well so I’m not sure about that.

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 114 total)

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