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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 455 total)
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  • #385910
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    the only thing I am proud of is that I never reached out to S.  And I thought about it more than once.  I just cleaned, took afternoon naps, bought a really good book.  Peaceful/lonely“- I am proud of you too!!!

    My ex never let my children and I go to the circus on Sunday. I basically begged on Saturday at the football game“- never beg him- or anyone- ever again! (except in the most extreme circumstances, of course).

    I have a referral for a female attorney and I am calling today.  It’s not going to be fun seeing my savings take a hit“- sorry about that, but it is necessary to involve an attorney so that your and your children’s mental health doesn’t take any more hits like the recent one!

    There is something wrong with my ex and his girlfriend A… Everything they criticize me for they do… They are vultures.  I’m going to make sure there is never direct communication-going to use a 3rd party for everything.  Make sure there is lots of space at events“- I put in boldface the part I like the most.

    Also, when person X criticizes person Y’s behavior, it is often the case that X engaged and/ or still engages in that same behavior.

    My mom texted me yesterday asking if I still had my wedding ring so she could make a necklace with the diamonds.  I got a little upset“- something is wrong with your mother, is the thought that comes to my mind as I read this. Seems like she has no empathy for you, no empathetic understanding of you.

    It’s one thing after another.  I am not feeling my best.  Because it is too much for me part of my brain has shut down“- not feeling your best but you are functioning your best, I am impressed!

    anita

    #385965
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita

    I feel very thankful to have you as a friend and sounding board. I’m glad that you were impressed.  I do feel a little better today but there are times when I look around and think what is going on with my life.

    I am waiting to schedule a phone meeting with the attorney.  She texted me this am.  I have a to do list-next is call the children’s psychologist to schedule an appt.

    Other than that just making it along lol.  So far no storms brewing (not real storms) hoping it stays calm.  I pick up the kids today a 4. Very excited.

    Lindsey

    #385966
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are taking the right action and you are feeling good about it, I am indeed still impressed! I too hope that you stay calm while taking real action, legal and practical- against your ex’s aggression and against any and all aggression around your children!

    anita

    #386250
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I had my phone call with the attorney; Her name is Rachel and I was very impressed.  I guess I should be since her firm charges a 5k retainer but she estimates it will cost about 3k.  We meet at her office this Thursday.   I am editing some paperwork attached to our divorce degree.  That way one less thing to do and it’s all set up for the meeting.  I am rolling the dice that my ex will not have an attorney.  I’m about 90% sure he will not be able to afford one.  He and his girlfriend appear to spend a lot of money in general looking good for appear sake.  It still is a bit of a worry.

    The kids and I had a lot of fun this weekend. On Saturday afternoon after Football game and Cheerleading we went to the opening day of Rader’s Farm. It is a fall festival type place that has barn animals, activities for kids and a corn maze.  I was able to ignore a text chain that could of ended in back and forth toxic comments.

    I have episodes of loneliness just like I used to get with  anxiety.  I believe that it will decrease and I ride the wave until it goes away.  It’s much easier to ride of wave of loneliness versus the wave of anxiety lol.

    #386253
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    I agree: loneliness is easier than a wave of anxiety! Good to read about the fun weekend you and your kids had: I can imagine the corn maze, I live in an area that grows lots of corn.

    Very good to read that you have an appointment with Rachel this Thursday: make sure to tell her how that man, that ex (whom I do not like!) impacts you when he texts you or talks to you  otherwise.. and yells and what not, and how you have reacted to him in the past: texting him back, yelling back.. however you reacted to him, so that she prepares a legal document (and whatever it takes) so that there is-I hope- no  direct contact between you and the ex: no texting, no calling, not having him in your place or you being in his place, no talking in-person.. nothing! Also, include his girlfriend in it!

    anita

     

    #386400
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    It’s Friday, the day after your appointment with the attorney. I hope it went well???!!!

    anita

    #386404
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita:

    Happy Friday!  The appointment was interesting.  Her name is Rachel and she is very nice, funny, and approachable. I would be friends with her outside of her being my divorce attorney.

    My expectation was that she would handle everything and I would not have to do anything lol.  The good news is she is filing a motion that my ex is required  to attend  mediation again with me and agree to the changes I am requesting.  If he fights the changes (which he should not-none of it is about child support or custody)   we would go to court.

    I’m nervous to have a 3 way phone call with him and the mediator Karen.  I don’t think this situation is going to be quickly resolved.  I’m tired about the situation in general.

    I am going out with friends tonight.  I don’t remember the last time I did that.

    Other than that a little stressed about work.  My manager stated yesterday she was seeing a few mistakes on a certain area of my work.  While I think it’s very minor-and so does a co worker I’m frustrated.  Is she looking at things more closely because I was struggling last year? I think my work is really good considering the long list of things our department is struggling with-mostly low staff.  I could keep going on with complaints. Am I being defensive?

    Lindsey

    #386405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Happy Friday to you too and I hope you have fun on your well-deserved night out with friends!

    Rachel sounds like an excellent pick to handle what you need handled. Have patience and the result will be an easier life for you and for your kids!

    My manager stated yesterday she was seeing a few mistakes on a certain area of my work… I think my work is really good considering the long list of things our department is struggling with-mostly low staff.  I could keep going on with complaints. Am I being defensive?“- I don’t think so: I understand your frustration. But maybe, as a manager, she figures that it’s her JOB to criticize the employees under her management, that otherwise.. she wouldn’t be doing her job! Her people skills are probably not as good as Rachel’s, not even close.. right?

    Lindsey

    #386534
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Almost finished with my resume. You are right-that is my manager’s job but to be honest it’s annoying-especially because we are overworked and underpaid.  But I believe a lot of people can relate to that.

    Over the weekend I basically took naps and walked my dog.  My car is messed up again and I have to take it to the shop today.  I am very worried and hoping nothing is expensive or serious.  I really cannot afford it.

    I feel very frustrated in general about what’s going on in my life right now. I don’t know if it is brain chemicals or stress-maybe both.  I’m just tired of everything.  I’m hoping my attorney that I paid $3,000.00 is going to be help.  I found out I  have to go to the mediation and work out a plan with Jon.  I was hoping she would speak on my behalf.  She will if we go to trial but I don’t think it will get that far.

    My parents went out of state for my dad’s birthday and sent lots of pictures to my siblings and I.  They saw Eric Clapton in concert and maybe Cher? I wasn’t clear.  I feel guilty that I was looking at the photos and thinking wow.  Your daughter is sitting in her home with a messed up car, in her pj’s going to bed at 8pm, dealing with a psycho ex and girlfriend, hating her job, etc.

    Lindsey

    #386536
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    “My parents went out of state for my dad’s birthday and sent lots of pictures to my siblings and I.  They saw Eric Clapton in concert and maybe Cher? I wasn’t clear.  I feel guilty that I was looking at the photos and thinking wow.  Your daughter is sitting in her home with a messed up car, in her pj’s going to bed at 8pm, dealing with a psycho ex and girlfriend, hating her job, etc.”-

    -when your parents get sick and die, at least you’d know, as you know now, that they took very good care of themselves, having themselves as their first priority, not wasting their time with worries about you. So, don’t spend your time worrying about them.. they can be counted on to do what’s right for them.

    Also, there’re way worse things than being in your PJ’s going to bed at 8 pm.. such as staying up at night following a botched cosmetic breast operation: “I’ve had my breasts done. But my breast operations were a nightmare… They were really botched in every way. If anything, they were worse after than before”, Cher (loser weekly.com/ cher- plastic- surgery, May 21, 2020).

    Let me know how it goes with your car, your job, your “psycho ex and girlfriend”, etc. Will you?

    anita

    #386645
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita

    Let’s see….So my car is Ok.  I got it back yesterday to have a car for the weekend to drive.  They ordered parts and I will drop off again Tuesday am.  I can’t remember the part that was damaged but it’s a wear and tear kind of thing.  Worst case scenerio $700 but that’s if some of the other parts are damaged while taking them out to get to the actual broken part.

    I put my resume on 2 sites.  I have not really heard anything back but will try to get on the site this weekend to look.

    As far the ex and his girlfriend go-they are bad people. That’s the bottom line. On Wednesday there was a group text sent to all parents on Aiden’s traveling baseball team. My ex stated that the 3 team moms are putting together a fund raiser for the team.  Now one of the team moms is his girlfriend Amy.  He never sent me any information prior to the  group text.  I texted him to give me the information-more than once – and I still don’t have any info.  I sent a group text last night asking for the team moms to text me about it with my number and I haven’t heard anything.  These things keep happening and it’s wearing me down.  Not really emotionally but it’s just starting to make me numb.  There is really no way to stop him about things like this.

    I told my ex that I have a name and I’m calling to set up counseling for the kids. He got very nervous-that was my impression about going to the child psychologist.  He was giving me rules like we would not talk about things that happened prior to the divorce. He said he would go into the session with me and I wouldn’t talk to her by myself. We would only talk about the kids.

    Now i’m just going to schedule an appointment and not tell him.

    So the kids are not in school today for a teacher work day.  We are going to do something fun after work-the weather is really nice.

    Lindsey

     

    #386651
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    I appreciate you giving me the update I asked for in my last message. In regard to Aiden travelling baseball team, if one of the team moms is his girlfriend Amy.. maybe you should not get further involved in the team and just leave it to .. him and his girlfriend? After all minimal contact, if any, between you and the ex and Amy is what you need, right?

    I told my ex that I have a name and I’m calling to set up counseling for the kids“- the idea about getting a lawyer is that you have minimal, and better NO contact with the ex, so.. “I told my ex” shouldn’t be happening… right?

    The weather is really nice here too, I hope you have some fun with your kids!!!

    anita

    #386723
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Lots to do today.  Going to a place called Altitude-lots of bouncing lol.  Then errands. Getting Ella a new pair of glasses.  Ex carries their insurance and she gets a free pair of glasses once a year.  Ex is now not answering any requests via text message. This seems to be his new behavior.     I’m going to just pay out of pocket for the glasses and discuss in mediation.  I don’t think texting him about it is the best idea-I’m not sure.

    I agree that it is not a good idea to be a team mom with his girlfriend Amy involved.  I believe my main focus was that I was not asked and Aiden is my son.  Their behavior was intentional.   With the counseling I am going to move ahead without his involvement.  However, he is a parent and he may have the choice to be involved and that is beyond my control.

    Yesterday we were at Aiden’s football game and I stood with Sarah.  She is the wife of Dan (ex husband to Amy-my ex’s girlfriend) Dan’s mother and sister were with Sarah.  They told some very disturbing stories about Amy.  She caused some major issues in their family.    I am wondering how to navigate this situation in the future.  I have to get all of this moved quickly with mediation.  I’m a little worried about my well being.  I feel that I am able to have any barriers or safety from them. I’m a sitting duck. No matter if I respond or not respond they keep coming.

    Lindsey

    #386725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lindsey:

    Ex is now not answering any requests via text message. This seems to be his new behavior…  I don’t think texting him about it is the best idea-I’m not sure“-

    – it is a bad idea for you to communicate with him (and/or with Amy) directly, be it by texting, phone calls, messaging online, or interacting in-person. Figure out, with the help of Rachel, your lawyer and mediation, ways to communicate with him indirectly, through a neutral 3rd party, and ways to minimize communication with him.

    I agree that it is not a good idea to be a team mom with his girlfriend Amy involved“- choose (and minimize) your battles, being part of Aiden’s traveling baseball team is not a necessary battle.

    Amy.. caused some major issues in their family. I am wondering how to navigate this situation in the future.  I have to get all of this moved quickly with mediation”-

    -Choosing and minimizing your battles include being concerned only about how Amy is treating your kids, not about how she treated her ex-husband and other people in her original and extended family. Talk to your lawyer about any and all concerns you have regarding Amy (and ex) mistreating your kids, and what you can do about it.

    I’m a sitting duck. No matter if I respond or not respond they keep coming“- this is why you need to have no direct communication with ex or Amy, and why all matters in regard to co-parenting need to be addressed with lawyer and mediation, and a clear co-parenting strategy put together in regard to all current and future issues.

    anita

    #386860
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita-

    Have started minimizing communication.  Set up to where no meeting for clothing drop off. I keep electronics with  me and clothing goes in book bags to school.  There is  still sports equipment issue- I have arranged for it to be placed by the fence line at a Vet’s office beside my condo complex.  When he pulls into the parking lot I leave.

    I am on the waiting list for an appointment next month for the child psychologist.  The paperwork with the attorney has been filed and I will be getting emailed the petition.

    2 interesting things happened this morning.  I don’t know how this happened-really I don’t-but a guy from high school sent random nice messages and then  flirted and now I’m going to visit with him when I go home on Oct 19th for a week vacation. He messages with me multiple times a day.

    Now-I know I am not ready to date.  There was a situation this am where I had to text my ex to keep the kids on some of my days when I go down to Florida to visit.  He said that was fine and then accidentally texted me instead of Amy.  They were discussing my test I sent to him.  Basically dissecting my words.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  This was disturbing and the root of it-hurtful-that is the root. So later on Stephen (i’m just going to say his name who cares) messaged me and I focused on one word and my anxiety went crazy.  I said to myself you are absolutely not going to do this.  So I wrote down the conversation and sat back and realized that I was making something into nothing.  I do believe part of this has to do with the morning situation with my ex.

    Here is the thing I don’t like to admit. He makes me feel less than. So in the future if something like this comes up I will use the app. No texting with ex.

    Anyway I’m on vacation all next week and I can’t wait. Lots of naps and reading and dog parks and organizing.  I hope you are proud of me I think i did good.

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 455 total)

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