August 27, 2021 at 9:27 am #385356
I hope you are having a nice Friday and ready for the weekend. The kids and I have lots of activities coming up. Pep Rally this evening and football game in the am. Ella is cheering and Aiden is playing football. Next Sunday I am taking them to a show next Sunday. Kind of like a Circus show with no animals, more pirates and mermaids. As time is going by I feel better with I’m with my kids maybe more than before-less stressed out I would say- In the last month or so I feel very protective of myself, more than usual. I don’t feel that I relate to many people. Again when I talk sometimes I think that other people know I’m different; that I have a mental illness. From an outside perspective this is wrong. But in my head these are my thoughts.
I don’t know if you could notice but I would say within the last month I was having a down cycle. I believe it was one of the bad ones that usually only happens once a year maybe. I believe they are triggered by stress. 2 weeks ago I started making impulsive decisions-I discussed texting and not making sense; seeming off and weird. I was doing well at work and with the kids but I was not motivated and got a little behind. I got into a text argument with my ex that doesn’t usually take place anymore. My best friend could tell-he stated that I was being odd the past week or so. that I seemed fixated on being lonely and continuing to message with the guy from the lake house. Looking back I felt dull, bored, and wanted to something exciting to do-like get a tattoo, (in the past get on a dating website) etc.
While I am able to see clearly my behaviors (yesterday and today much better) this is not good for myself esteem. It continues to be very negative and I know the consequences of low self-esteem. At this point I want to hide from people to a certain extent, no talk much.
I can tell you with certainty that I am love and attention deprived.
LindseyAugust 27, 2021 at 10:39 am #385359
My Friday is fine, thank you, didn’t sleep very well last night, feeling tired but fine. I can almost see in my mind’s eye, Ella cheering Aiden Saturday morning. The circus show sounds fun, pirates and mermaids!
“when I talk sometimes I think that other people know I’m different; that I have a mental illness“- I used to feel this way myself. From time to time such thoughts cross my mind, they are very unpleasant, but overall, I experience way less of that, and when I do- it is mild, not intense like it used to be.
“I don’t know if you could notice but I would say within the last month I was having a down cycle. I believe it was one of the bad ones that usually only happens once a year maybe“- I didn’t notice a down cycle, I thought of you as being sensible and in control of your behavior.
“2 weeks ago I started making impulsive decisions-I discussed texting and not making sense; seeming off and weird“- I think that you think that you seem weird to others, but.. it’s not really the case. Maybe you feel a certain way and you think it shows and others can see it, but they can’t, not any more than you see how they feel inside.
“My best friend could tell-he stated that I was being odd the past week or so“- maybe he saw you correctly, it doesn’t mean that others did, and it doesn’t mean that you seemed very odd (to him or to anyone).
“ that I seemed fixated on being lonely and continuing to message with the guy from the lake house. Looking back I felt dull, bored, and wanted to something exciting to do-like get a tattoo, (in the past get on a dating website) etc.”- I am elaborating on the seeming-odd theme: it is not odd for a person to look for excitement when bored!
“While I am able to see clearly my behaviors“- I am getting more and more convinced that you see your behaviors as worse than they are: that you magnify your behaviors, in your own mind, and see them as odd or crazy… and in actuality, your behaviors are far from being as odd and crazy as you think they are.
“At this point I want to hide from people to a certain extent, no talk much“- because.. you mistakenly think that you seem odd and mentally ill, to others.
“I can tell you with certainty that I am love and attention deprived“- a non oddity, so many people are deprived of love and attention.
Overall, you will feel better if you see yourself as you are: you are really not an oddity. This is my conclusion today!
anitaAugust 30, 2021 at 8:20 am #385435
Hope you slept well over the weekend. I thinks that’s not the first time you have mentioned that.
I do believe you are right about thinking that I’m an oddity, maybe I make things a bigger deal than they are. I do think I was struggling for a week or 2. However, that could be hormones as that time of the month is soon. I do experience times when I’m more impulsive but again maybe it’s not as bad as I think.
I feel like I took a another step up on my healing climb with my ex. I’m starting to see more clearly not to take their comments personal.
“S” reached out last night via social media. I blocked him.
LindseyAugust 30, 2021 at 10:10 am #385438
I did sleep better in the last two nights, and I sleep better than I did a few years ago, but I often don’t sleep throughout the night. It’s very nice when it does happen though!
Yes, I do think that you imagine yourself to be an oddity when you are not.. thinking that when you feel distressed on the inside, it clearly shows on the outside. Thing is, the people watching you, most often they don’t really pay attention, often busy with their own distress to be able to focus on what’s happening with you, or to be able to perceive what’s happening with you. Plus, no one can read your thoughts.
“I feel like I took a another step up on my healing climb with my ex. I’m starting to see more clearly not to take their comments personal“- good, because their comments, in content and in tone, reveal things about them, way more than about you. Some of their comments are ALL about them and NOTHING about you.
“‘S’ reached out last night via social media. I blocked him“- okay, but don’t get stressed and disappointed with yourself IF you suddenly feel like contacting him, even if you do contact him: nothing good or bad will happen as a result, not in practical terms: you’ll still have your job and your kids and your life just as it is now.
Practically and realistically, he is not a person that ever made a significant difference in your life, is he?
anitaAugust 30, 2021 at 10:25 am #385439
He did not make a significant difference in my life. The experience of being in a relationship with him (if you can call it that) made a big difference in my life. it showed me that 1. I can do better. 2. I’m not ready to date. I need to work on me for awhile. 3. I’ve got to be able to see red flags and move on.
I don’t honestly feel like contacting him. He really effected my mental health and my anxiety. Seeing his name on social media first made me upset that he reached out and second I thought there is no way i’m going through that crap again.
LindseyAugust 30, 2021 at 10:49 am #385440
So, he did not make any positive difference in your life on the outside (your life in practical terms is just the same), but- not because he was trying to teach you or help you, or make your life better- you learned a few things as a result of interacting with him: that you can do better, that you are not ready to date, and that you have to be able to see read flags and move on.
These three things that you learned are making and can continue to make a practical difference in your life (ex. not dating before you are ready), but he does not get credit for what you learned: you do!
Seeing red flags when getting to know a man is possible when you are calm enough to see them, and not so needy and so distressed that you say to yourself something like: I so need him to like me that I am going to close my eyes and not see what I see, I am going to close my ears and not hear what I hear.. see no evil/ hear no evil.
anitaSeptember 2, 2021 at 2:02 pm #385599
I’m not sure if you have seen the 80’s movie the Never Ending story, but I feel like the boy in the movie. He has this flying pet dog? that takes him on parts of his journey. Anyway he goes through a dangerous swamp (that’s all I remember) and other places to reach a princess. The princess saves the land and he has to rescue her. I’m on this journey and I have a long way to go. I don’t think I’m drowning in the swamp (got past the crappy boyfriend/anxiety trap) but I might still be in the swamp. It’s not promising.
Do you think someone like me who uses men/relationship to forget other issues over time creates an addiction? Like my brain is wired for anxiety and it wants more and more (addiction) too.
It was really hard the first week or two getting over my break up with “S” but after that it started to get easier. Some days (like today) are harder than others. Especially during work hours. i start to want to reach out to him. I just kind of try and get through the feeling. Most of the time it’s like I just forget.
It’s pretty lonely now. How do you just get self-esteem and self worth enough to not have anxiety in a relationship? I ordered books on Amazon but can you help with how this works? I also have a lot of issues with my body. I’ve never really talked about it.
LindseySeptember 2, 2021 at 2:18 pm #385601
Did I watch The Never Ending Story, the original, 1984? Only a thousand times! This movie inspired me to leave my country of origin on a journey across Europe and all the way to the United States, alone.. just like the child warrior in the movie, Atreyu, only I didn’t get to have Falkor, the lucky dragon!
“Do you think someone like me who uses men/relationship to forget other issues over time creates an addiction? Like my brain is wired for anxiety and it wants more and more (addiction) too“- I think that your brain wants calm, and it tries to get calm in ways that create more anxiety. It gets stuck in doing what feels right.. but isn’t right.
“I start to want to reach out to him. I just kind of try and get through the feeling“- you reach out for love.. reach out to a man who will not give you love because he is otherwise occupied.
“It’s pretty lonely now. How do you just get self-esteem and self worth enough to not have anxiety in a relationship?“- watch the never ending story again, there is so much more to it than the swamp of depression!
“I also have a lot of issues with my body. I’ve never really talked about it“- you can talk about it with me, if you want to. We can even compare body issues.. I can talk about those with you!
anitaSeptember 3, 2021 at 6:49 am #385621
I’m sitting here looking at my computer on about 4 hours of sleep and I don’t know where to begin regarding what happened yesterday after our last convo around 2pm. I really wanted to call in to work today but I don’t really think that’s the best idea. I’ll just be behind on my work and that’s another thing I don’t feel like stressing out about.
So I pick up the kids around 4:15 from aftercare at school. My ex picks them up around 4:40 from my house because Ella has cheerleading practice and Aiden has football practice. Ella missed a Thursday 2 weeks ago because she didn’t want to go. She was very upset so my ex didn’t take her but was very frustrated. So yesterday she started crying again saying she didn’t want to go. I told her she needed to go but was also frustrated in general because I work until 6 and I really didn’t have time to fight with her about it. I told my ex ahead of time that she was not wanting to go again.
Somehow this turned into him yelling at me in front of my house and her outside crying. I do remember saying some mean things to him too before everything escalated. I was trying to get her to get in the car and had her shoes in my hand. He said he was calling the police. So I came inside and told her that so that she would get in the car. She was refusing and crying and came outside telling her dad not to call the police. He continued to yell at me. I was trying to get them both to stop. He was out of control yelling as he was driving away. My son was in the backseat the entire time. My neighbor came outside and I am still so embarrassed. I think other neighbors heard. He then attacked me verbally saying it was all my fault via text. He said I was doing this on purpose because Ella does not act like this at home. He’s continued to send emails stating I manipulate Ella, etc just about my character. I had that circus planned for Sunday and he stated the kids are not going.
I am so upset. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am being harassed. I feel mentally exhausted. I am calling an attorney today. I feel there is no hope. I have to deal with him until the kids are 18. I do not see things improving as the years go by.
LindseySeptember 3, 2021 at 7:49 am #385623
“I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am being harassed. I feel mentally exhausted. I am calling an attorney today. I feel there is no hope. I have to deal with him until the kids are 18. I do not see things improving as the years go by“-
– even though you only slept 4 hours, you came up with the logical, sensible conclusion, right above: to call an attorney.
For your kids, not being exposed to all that yelling and trauma of yesterday (and to the ongoing anger between their parents at all other times) is way, way…. way more important than their participation in cheerleading and football practices. There needs to be no contact between you and that ex of yours, whatever it takes!
On paper it looks right for you and that ex to co-parent, be engaged with sports practices etc., but in practice- it is NOT working, so.. maybe you can arrange for a Protection Order to be granted to you by a judge, requesting it as a former spouse and current victim of domestic violence, being he yelled at you at your home and in the presence of your kids!
anitaSeptember 3, 2021 at 8:08 am #385624
I just looked up the information online for my county and I’m going to call. thank you for the advice I will keep you posted.
LindseySeptember 3, 2021 at 8:19 am #385625
You are welcome, Lindsey. I am looking forward to your next post.. May the Force Be With You!
anitaSeptember 3, 2021 at 12:23 pm #385630
Spoke to an intake worker and then a court Advocate. Here’s the thing. My ex said a lot of hateful things via text message to me over time. But I reacted to the messages. I said bad things to him. I don’t have a full list of texting going back and forth but I bet he will have them. For this order of protection to happen I have to document everything in a report and we would go before a judge and have a hearing. I would have to testify. there is no telling what my ex will say. I’m worried he could make me look just like him. I’ll look like a fool to the judge. It will be an emotional gamble I don’t want to go through.
If I don’t go that route I would hire an attorney and they would set up a guideline report with everything so it’s just about schedules/kids etc. There will have boundaries and it will be filed with our divorce paperwork.
I’m very tired and I want to go to bed. The intake worker gave me home but not the court appointed advocate. This is not going well. I just want him to be accountable for his actions. I feel like participating in the ugliness with him makes me look just as ugly. It’s been impossible to not react and ignore his words. My reactions and ignoring him care inconsistent. 30% better than last year at this time maybe.
LindseySeptember 3, 2021 at 1:51 pm #385636
So you decided against the Protection Order route, but you are okay with hiring an attorney so to set up a guideline report (is that what it’s called?) with clear instructions regarding contact between you and the ex? If you go this route- make sure that the contact between you and the ex specified in the report is the absolute minimum, that he does not enter your home, and you don’t enter his home. He drops the kids at your address, but he doesn’t leave his car and he definitely does not enter your home. He shouldn’t have a key to your place (does he?).
“The intake worker gave me home but not the court appointed advocate. This is not going well“- I didn’t understand this part.
“I feel like participating in the ugliness with him makes me look just as ugly. It’s been impossible to not react and ignore his words“- there has to be no more yelling when the kids are present, no more yelling by him and no more yelling by you. This is traumatic for the kids to witness this aggression. Like I said, the absolute minimal contact between you and him is necessary.
I hope you get a good night sleep, Lindsey.
anitaSeptember 7, 2021 at 6:13 am #385905
I’m not sure where to start. What is it called when you feel backed up against a wall? Numb and staring into space. Not able to deal with what’s going on?
My ex never let my children and I go to the circus on Sunday. I basically begged on Saturday at the football game. I have a referral for a female attorney and I am calling today. It’s not going to be fun seeing my savings take a hit.
I had a 3 day weekend with no specific plans. the only thing I am proud of is that I never reached out to S. And I thought about it more than once. I just cleaned, took afternoon naps, bought a really good book. Peacefull/lonely.
There is something wrong with my ex and his girlfriend A. I had coffee yesterday with her ex-husband’s wife. We are becoming really good friends. There was so much I learned about A. One thing is that she slept with all the attorneys at her job. She is a paralegal. Everything they critisize me for they do. I’m confused with them. I don’t understand them. But I know I can no longer deal with their attacks. They are vultures. I’m going to make sure there is never direct communication-going to use a 3rd party for everything. Make sure there is lots of space at events.
I feel attacked and isolated. My mom texted me yesterday asking if I still had my wedding ring so she could make a necklace with the diamonds. I got a little upset.
It’s one thing after another. I am not feeling my best. Because it is too much for me part of my brain has shut down.