August 15, 2021 at 9:00 am #384787
You are friends with your ex-husband’s current girlfriend’s ex-husband’s wife.. I imagine that the current wife of the ex-husband is not liking his ex-wife (who is now your ex-husband’s girlfriend). New wives often do not like ex-wives.
Your recent post does not make things clear to me, and that’s okay, I do not need specifics. Example: (1) “my husband’s girlfriend “A” is very…intense and strict with the children“- but how is she strict, in what ways, I don’t know (except that she yelled at them once, or her voice was loud..),
(2) “he became abusive“- how, in what ways, you didn’t say, (3) “Over time as the abuse continued“- again, what abuse, I don’t know.
The fact that you didn’t enjoy sex with him and that sex was “a chore throughout our marriage” in itself does not equal sexual abuse, particularly when the other party to the sexual interaction is not aware of how it feels to the other.
“Over time he would yell at me during or before sex because he could tell I did not enjoy it“- what did he say when he yelled?
“I felt that I would turn off my brain during sex and that I was being used. It was extremely unpleasant for me during sex. It’s honestly hard to describe the feeling“- that’s a terrible experience. If he knew that you felt this way (did he???) then it was cruel of him to go about doing what was extremely unpleasant to you!
anitaAugust 15, 2021 at 9:23 am #384792
She is strict in the sense that the kids make their own breakfast, not allowed to get up or exit their rooms in the morning until a certain time. Bedtime 8:30 even on weekends and holidays, Only allowed 30 minutes of electronics a day, sit straight up at the table during meals, don’t slouch. Do everything themselves…I can’t remember more. She threw? tossed a plate across the kitchen counter when Ella went to give the plate to her at the sink. Ella is a challenging child and the 2 of them butt heads. My parents found her intense when they met her once at Aiden’s baseball tournament. They stated she seemed very insecure but covered it up by acting and saying things about women should be independent. My dad told me he thinks there is not something right with her but he wasn’t sure what it was.
After I had Ella and she was 3 months old, I got up in the middle of the night. My ex came in the room and I said something rude and he got beside me and raised his fist as to hit me. After that it became “I hope you die, go kill yourself, go jump off a cliff, shup the F*** up, your a bitch, etc.” Crowding my space when I walked by, rushing up to me (Aiden was 3 months old one of the times and I was holding him. ) Pointing his finger and jabbing it at my chest. Extremely jealousy, going through my phone, going through my things, asking me who I was meeting up with when I got dressed up, accusing me of going to met someone when I walked the dogs.. Putting his hands on my once by hitting me extremely hard on the top of my legs/butt during an argument when I was bent over throwing away trash.
He knew I didn’t like sex with him because I would make excuses a lot. It was more coersive sex versus sexual abuse definitely. He would yell I know you don’t like it why not, who are you sleeping with, I can’t get ha** because you are not interested. You won’t kiss me or touch me why not? He would sit on the side of the bed and sometimes I would get up and he would follow me around saying things about sex.
LindseyAugust 15, 2021 at 9:38 am #384794
You made things clear regarding the ex, he was abusive, it makes me angry that you were abused in these ways, how sad that you went through that! (You shared some of these things long ago, but maybe you weren’t as clear as this).
You so didn’t deserve any of that!!!
I only hope that his girlfriend, as strict as she is, is a good influence on him: some men function better in strict environments. Some of her strictness with your kids is definitely too strict.
anitaAugust 16, 2021 at 8:00 am #384856
I have a really good male friend-he’s way younger-who has pretty much stuck with me when I had some serious issues last year that I’ve improved upon, especially with panic attacks and reactivity. He cares about my well being, almost like a brother. There is nothing there beside friendship. He has always given advice regarding men’s behavior and has always been right. Although I haven’t taken his advice with the last 2 men I’ve dated in the past year. I’m taking his advice now.
I am worried that I will not be able to have a healthy relationship with a man anytime in the future. While right now I am taking a break for an unknown period of time and going to a counselor, I’ve read up on the internet ways to not have anxiety while dating and I can tell you now none of those things work. I have confirmed with my friend that I always pick men that are not good for me, ignore red flags, start to have anxiety and worry when they pull away-which is what happened with the last 2 relationships. I then in my opinion- probably start to seem a little too nice or needy? I’m not even sure how I act.
I do not know how to pick someone that will be good for me and healthy. I have not idea how I can change these habits. I know it’s all about self-love and self-worth. I can tell you I have none of these. I don’t really see these issues improving by repeating how good of a person I am or reading self help book. My neighbor asked me out last week and I told him no but that we can be friends as I’m taking a break from dating. I’ve probably known him for about 2 years. I’ve noticed that my texting seems odd and all over the place. I was being weird. There’s no doubt about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it feels like some things are getting worse not better.
LindseyAugust 16, 2021 at 9:23 am #384859
“I have confirmed with my friend that I always pick men that are not good for me, ignore red flags…. I do not know how to pick someone that will be good for me and healthy… My neighbor asked me out last week and I told him no but that we can be friends as I’m taking a break from dating. I’ve probably known him for about 2 years. I’ve noticed that my texting seems odd and all over the place. I was being weird. There’s no doubt about it“-
– we can do an exercise: before the next time you are about to text your neighbor, send me the message you are about to text him (if you are replying to his text, send me his text too, minus personal identifying details), wait for my reply and send it to him (or not) after we discuss it.
You can do this exercise with your “really good male friend”, whom you trust in regard to the advice he already gave you about men, placing him in between a text the neighbor sends you.. and your reply.
anitaAugust 16, 2021 at 9:37 am #384860
I will definitely do that I think it’s a good idea. The neighbor may never text back. I sounded like a weirdo. But other texts I will too.
LindseyAugust 16, 2021 at 9:52 am #384863
If you want to, you can send me the text where you think you sounded like a weirdo (and his text to which you replied, sounding like a weirdo). I wonder if you really did, or maybe you only feel that you did.
anitaAugust 16, 2021 at 12:46 pm #384893
I wish I would I would not have deleted the text chain. I would definitely have sent it too you. I kept reading and was like I have to get rid of this I’m embarrassing myself by reading. I do think that I interpret things negatively when it’s just a normal text.
I was feeling very lonely this morning and it’s kind of still there but getting better. I’m not sure where this loneness comes from. I’m embarrassed to say this but I feel like I need attention from a man to feel better. It can just be texting it doesn’t have to be meeting up with someone. I’m not sure why.
LindseyAugust 16, 2021 at 1:02 pm #384894
I bet you just felt like that the texts you sent were weird, but they were not really weird: anxiety and self-doubt do that!
“I was feeling very lonely this morning… I’m not sure where this loneness comes from. I’m embarrassed to say this but I feel like I need attention from a man to feel better. It can just be texting it doesn’t have to be meeting up with someone. I’m not sure why“-
– My answer as to the why: (1) because you are a social creature aka human, (2) because you are a heterosexual woman who therefore needs attention from men.. or a man, once in a while.
anitaAugust 18, 2021 at 9:29 am #384964
Why do we do the same things over and over again if there are not positive results? Why do I engage with my ex knowing the outcome? Why do I ignore red flags? (my brain sees it. I say wow that’s not good) but I keep going in the same direction. Like the red flag is dirt I’m sweeping up and throwing away. Almost like continuing to swim in a lake full of alligators. Then I don’t think about it anymore. I have had for some reason a rough 2 days. To be honest I know that I cannot be in any relationship I think for a long time. It’s like smelling something that gave you food posioning so you stay away. I believe from reading my posts that my fixation with the 2 men really show my disease. Why do I feel like I talk about this stuff over and over. Partially because I want a resolution that’s not there. Partially because I want some type of explanation for their behavior.
I just want explanations for why these things happen to me. I’m the cause and I don’t like it.
On the bright side it is my son’s 8th birthday today. we are going to do something fun after school and go to dinner.
LindseyAugust 18, 2021 at 9:44 am #384966
“Why do we do the same things over and over again if there are not positive results?“- Repetition Compulsion comes to mind, “Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again… Erik Erikson: ‘the individual unconsciously arranges for variations of an original theme which he has not learned either to overcome or to live with'” (Wikipedia)
“Why do I engage with my ex knowing the outcome?“- still hoping for different results.
“Why do I ignore red flags.. keep going in the same direction?“- hoping to get different results, to arrive at a different destination.
“Almost like continuing to swim in a lake full of alligators“- hoping to come across a beautiful white swan that will swoop you up and fly you away from the lake of alligators
“I want a resolution that’s not there. Partially because I want some type of explanation for their behavior“- you want them to explain and then do right by you. Doing right by you would be a different result and a different destination.
“On the bright side it is my son’s 8th birthday today. we are going to do something fun after school and go to dinner“- H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y, L i n d s e y’ s Son!!!
anitaAugust 18, 2021 at 10:22 am #384970
So basically doing the same behaviors over and over again hoping for a different result-different behaviors from men. Notice the theme of “men” and my mother. Example, talking to her for advice or just a shoulder of comfort-same results. Usually lack of empathy, suggesting a different behavior in a critical way, conditional support depending on her stress level. Yet I still do it over and over again-
I am going to look into this more. My counseling session is this Saturday. If you have any advice or suggestions for me I’m all ears. His name is Aiden lol.
LindseyAugust 18, 2021 at 12:50 pm #384976
Yes, of course, Aiden (and Ella, if I remember correctly?).. :
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y A I D E N !!!
“any advice or suggestions“- when you feel the Compulsion to Repeat next time: to reach out to your mother for comfort and/ or advice, (or to reach out to a man who has proven to be unresponsive to you) say to yourself: STOP!
If you need a visual, carry in your purse a miniature STOP sign and take it out, hold it tight whenever you feel the compulsion to repeat.
anitaAugust 24, 2021 at 8:59 am #385244
I think I’m getting the hang of this being alone and working on myself. I think what is happening for me is that I’m not having anxiety and hyper focused on that. I’m able to relax in the evening and do some research on myself and reflect.
Do you think that we subconsciously push things or people away? Like our brain knows something isn’t healthy and it tells your brain how to behave so that person goes away? There is a man that I speak with-he’s the one that invited me to the lake house-and while I am not interested in dating him, I talk to him (for attention I think-not attractive). So the other evening I started asking him personal questions about his childhood and to be honest one statement that was just weird lol. Like I couldn’t really explain what I was trying to say to him. I believe this was off putting to him. Especially since he’s not interested. This is really a good thing that he has not messaged since.
Also a very weird situation happened this past Friday. It was Aiden’s baseball end of season party. I got there and I brought my dog and it seemed like everyone was so excited to see him etc. My ex-husbands girlfriend was right there with another parent and my daughter. “The ex girlfriend” told my daughter give your mom your backpack so she can take it to the car. (their clothes were in the bag) and I said to her just wait let me set everything down. I had food, the dog etc in my hands. So after that I didn’t think much about it and was talking to the kids. Now-the back packs were sitting in a area with other bags about 1/2 a car length away. After a few minutes the ex girlfriend says to me here’s Aiden’s back pack and walks over with it. I look at her and say I saw the backpack over in the other area as I take it. She goes ok just making sure you knew and walked off. I don’t know how to explain her tone other than mocking. As I write this I don’t know if the atmosphere of the situation comes across. I know the other parent standing there picked up on her behavior. So I walked over to the kids and sat there with them. I looked over and all the parents were standing in a crowd laughing and talking with my ex and his girlfriend. So I just got up and left. There is more but this is a long post.
LindseyAugust 24, 2021 at 9:25 am #385245
“Do you think that we subconsciously push things or people away? Like our brain knows something isn’t healthy and it tells your brain how to behave so that person goes away?“-
-I think that when we say/do things that turn people off to us, like messaging too often, or talking too much without paying attention to what we say, it is not because we want to push people away consciously or subconsciously. It is because we are impulsive. We feel some fear or desperation and we react to it impulsively. Thing is, impulsivity often leads to saying and doing things that turn people off, or harm relationships. We have to pay attention to what we say and do!
“So the other evening I started asking him personal questions about his childhood and to be honest one statement that was just weird lol. Like I couldn’t really explain what I was trying to say to him. I believe this was off putting to him. Especially since he’s not interested. This is really a good thing that he has not messaged since“- I figure you weren’t paying attention to what you were saying, so you said something weird. But maybe, in this example, part of you didn’t care if he will be turned off to you, so you were especially inattentive to what you said to him.
“Also a very weird situation happened this past Friday. It was Aiden’s baseball end of season party… the ex girlfriend says to me here’s Aiden’s back pack and walks over with it…. I looked over and all the parents were standing in a crowd laughing and talking with my ex and his girlfriend. So I just got up and left“-
– I don’t like your ex’s girlfriend and I understand why you don’t either. She is someone unpleasant that you have to endure in your life because she is with your children’s dad. What can you possibly do in the situation you described.. you can’t control what people say and what they laugh about. Maybe they were not talking and laughing about you and maybe they were. I am sorry that you are in this situation, I wish life was easier for you and better for your mental health and that of your kids!