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This topic contains 158 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 13 hours, 41 minutes ago.

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  • #300867

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Here we are.

    #300875

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    It may surprise you, but this very post is the most difficult post for me to type to you because I feel it will point to where it hurts you the most. You may not feel that hurt as you read it, because of that numbing protective sheet I referred to, but I fear it will hurt you nonetheless.

    I think that in the core of your immense (numbed) hurt and often expressed anger is Betrayal, with a capital B-

    -In your child’s mind, you had a bond with your mother, you were her golden child, her super child (SCC), her hope for happiness and a changed luck, a good luck. When she pointed to “over there” in Disneyworld, you were the one to .. go over there and bring her over there, to the happiness and good luck she craved.

    But when she pointed to over-there, she didn’t value you being over-here, in front of her. When you handed her a flower, she didn’t value it and instead reminisced about the flowers over-there, in India. When you brought friends over the house and delighted her, later she complained about slaving over the company. When you tried to help her, later  on, she exclaimed: you are not my mother! who do you think you are, having problems yourself ! When you came home over stressed from medical school, she told you that you’ve been crying since you were a child.. In Peru, she called her husband complaining that you were harassing her, treating her like garbage. And she betrayed you when she rejected your offering of a man and family you thought she will approve of (2016).

    There were, oh, so many betrayals of that bond you had with her, in your own mind, but you remained faithful to that bond, believing still, that you are her golden child, that you are her happiness and good luck, believing she loves you so much, that you are very important to  her.

    Notice what you wrote in Jan 17, 2018: “the idea of losing her daughter is crippling to her.. she felt she was ‘losing me’.. she was besides herself”. About what would happen to her if you did cut contact with her, you wrote on the same day: “she would likely get our whole extended family involved, maybe even end up hospitalized due to deep despair, hysteria, and psychosis related to the idea of ‘losing me'”-

    – but you see, that didn’t happen, she did not involve the extended family, she wasn’t hospitalized, no hysteria, no deep despair and no psychosis. She is unchanged. Do you see the Betrayal?

    You thought you were super to her but you were not. You are not, present tense.

    I believe this hurt of Betrayal is intense and the anger resulting from his hurt is also intense and will not allow you to love anyone.

    You are probably blaming yourself as well, for not  succeeding in taking your mother over-there.

    anita

    #300877

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #300881

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Do you truly believe:

    I believe this hurt of Betrayal is intense and the anger resulting from his hurt is also intense and will not allow you to love anyone.

    Yes I see this. Yes I do.  Yes, the neurons have the protective goopy concrete sheath so I don’t “feel it’ per se at this exact moment.

    Please elaborate as to what this means – and how I can slowly undo it even step by step.  I want to love my husband but recently I feel anger and resentment and just nothing.  “love” as in some affection here and there.  but no remorse for my abuse in the past, no true feeling of love

     

    #300883

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You can undo it. This understandable, valid, long term anger can be released, its repressed force expressed and that release will allow affection and love to be your natural state.

    Not much is more hurtful for a child of any age to believe: I am so important to my mother, I am her everything… and then to face the truth: oh, I was not important, I was not her everything, not even close. Oh, I was not much to her, not important at all. Oh, she is okay without me after all, oh, I gave my all based on a false belief… how did you put it yourself not long ago… you wrote that you were fooled by her, or tricked… tricked to believe you were important to her, while you were not.

    It may be time to resume the exercise, today or tomorrow, when you are ready. But this time, see to  it that your language is simple, like a young child’s, short sentences, basic words, nothing fancy, nothing elaborate, no psych terms that you learned later on, nothing academic, just guttural kind of language. It will take calming or centering before starting, making sure you are not aiming at performing, not caring how you sound or appear on the screen. Be that young girl, be her and tell it like it is, the unpleasant stuff, the hurt, the anger. If nothing much comes to mind, tell just a little, little things, the flower may be a starting point.

    anita

    #300889

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    You read my mind the absolutely perfect time to continue to exercise. In fact I had mentioned it before, actually noticed some progress with this exercise. If you will, please begin…

    #300895

    anita
    Participant

    Tell me, little Cali Chica, about that flower you gave your mother, why you gave it to her, do you remember?

    anita

    #300915

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    i gave her flower bc it was nice and pretty. a nice flower, pink and big. my mom likes pink flowers

    #300923

    anita
    Participant

    You gave her a flower, tell me about her face, how her face looks like when you give her the flower

    anita

    #300929

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Her face was weird, like kind of smiley and kind of going to cry – weird squinty eyes.

    #300939

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I hope to continue the exercise tomorrow because I need to be away from the computer soon for the day and will be back Thursday morning (I will keep the computer on for the next hour and check before I turn it off).

    Feel free to post again, continue the exercise on your own any time you feel like it. When relaxed, maybe when emotional, let your fingers type away using a child’s language. With practice it will become more comfortable.

    I will read anything you add tomorrow and reply then. Please be good to yourself this evening, and have the strength to endure your husband’s struggles today, not adding to it at all. Say nothing much to him, give him space, don’t initiate a conversation, respond kindly to him if he starts a conversation, mostly letting him talk. Contain your distress and appear as calm as you can in his presence.

    anita

    #301039

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yesterday when i got home I only did what I wanted, nothing more.  I didn’t do what I should do.  So what did I do?

    I did nothing.  IN reality CC often doesn’t want to do anyting.  But she goes into super gear and turns into SCC.  She then OVER talks, OVER does, and becomes over extended.  The innate CC often wants to do nothing. Its like a car in neutral thats at a wobbly drive, someone says gosh we need to go a little faster, so BAM full throttle! so now she’s speeding 100mph SUPER SPEED. from 0 to 100 literally.  Innate to super.

    The innate CC doesn’t want to constantly better herself.  When someone says oh you should do this – she wants to say SHUT UP.

    She doesn’t always have to work on self improvement.  She is working hard daily – unseen to others.  She doesn’t have to better herself daily.  She needs to shut up the critics, outer and inner.

    She wants to scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Let me be.  I am fine how I am.

    #301045

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    As I read “someone says gosh we need to go a little faster, so BAM full throttle!”- I was thinking about your husband asking you to make the bed before you leave for work, clear the dishes otherwise, keep the place fairly organized; your response, full throttle, cleaning and scrubbing and making the place look perfect… or getting angry and doing nothing, leaving it all be as is, bed unmade, dishes in the sink.

    “She wants to scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Let me be”- so when your husband makes a reasonable request of you, you get angry a lot, because you… are not used to reasonable requests in your home of origin, so you react unreasonably to a reasonable request because it feels unreasonable.

    Makes sense?

    anita

     

    #301047

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    YES makes so much sense!!! So what to do with that info? Start slowly step by step? and not over do it- just give myself one small “task” instead of a whole plethora

    #301049

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, purposefully do not go full throttle. Ask yourself: is this a reasonable request? If logically you think it may be a reasonable request, even if you are already angry, control yourself and fulfil that request in a reasonable way. He told you he doesn’t want the place scrubbed, so don’t do that. Simply make the bed before leaving for work and clear the sink from dishes, then place a few items strewn about where they belong and leave for work. To make it easier, keep the place organized before going to bed. It will not take you much time at all.

    anita

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