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This topic contains 1,004 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 19 hours, 40 minutes ago.

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  • #333505

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I fell flat on my back, chest hurt immediately, later I felt better and had some red wine sitting by the fire with husband. But the moment I lay down in bed later the pain was intense, so took Tylenol. Three hours later I walked to the bathroom and felt terrible, so much so that it was getting worse, I called husband’s name and lost consciousness, came to shortly after, was very scared, had a terrible night, was offered to go to the hospital but my head wasn’t hurt, didn’t hit the ground, no bruising, so basically my chest muscles were bruised badly enough to hurt especially when lying down.

    anita

    #333507

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Goodness! What a night you had. My advice for you for tonight, and perhaps tomorrow. Eat some good heavy meals, and a lot of water.

    I have a good feeling that your husband will be great in that department, giving you some good scrumptious meals. Meals water than you would normally drink. Take it easy, try not to go on the treadmill and just literally be lazy!! sit on the bed sofa and sink in. Tylenol and Advil are okay as long as you don’t have any issues with them. I have a feeling that you collapsed overnight not because of the mix between Tylenol and wine, but because of the shock and perhaps you were dehydrated from the wine, fireplace et Cetera. Also I have a feeling that you’re a lot like me, I’d like to push yourself even when you’re injured, it’s difficult to say: OK let me just be and give myself a day or two. But do that! Yes give in to slowing down!

    I’ll wait for your reply before I continue about everything else we’ve spoken about. Health is first!

    #333509

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    So good to talk to the doctor, it makes sense that I collapsed because I was dehydrated from the wine and sitting by the fireplace, I noticed this affect in the past, yes, that and the shock. Thank you once again!!! I did drink more water today and will very soon drink more.

    And now back to you.. your stuff!

    anita

    #333513

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes more water for us. For today and beyond! A glass of red wine though, hard to pass on that!
    Great timing for this conversation, earlier today when my husband and I were at brunch. Yes, we were at brunch, that would never happen during a regular weekday! But as you know I have quit my job, and my husband has had some more free days recently, which has been great given our large task at hand, still continuing to make that decision.  More on that later though.

    So my sister texted me around noon- she wrote something like this:

    Hey hope you are well. In light of the recent earthquakes in Puerto Rico, I wanted to let you know that San Juan is safe and we are still going on a trip this weekend. I’ll text you the address of my hotel, and where the dog is staying just in case. Also -cockroach incident in my apartment since Sunday.

    (she’s heading to aGirl trip bachelorette party this long weekend in Puerto Rico planned a while back)

    Before I continue— hmm- I actually want to know your candid random thoughts about her text message above before I add my input.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Cali Chica.
    #333517

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica;

    One day you and I will enjoy pinot noir together.

    Regarding her text, reads to me that she is telling you the following: you don’t care about me, about my safety, about my life quality, and I want you to know that I know that you don’t care about me, you terrible sister!!!

    Another version of what she is saying to you: you are a b*** and I hate you!

    anita

    #333519

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Pinot noir yes! Next – HAHAHAHAH

    I literally laughed out loud at your response at home- My dog looked at me funny!! The reason I asked for your input for the text message above is because I knew that you would tell me something honest. Oh my gosh I love your response I can’t stop smiling and laughing! The authenticity of our interactions!

    So…I agree. Entirely. I thought the same exact thing, the part of it that I didn’t pick up on is what you said, you are a terrible sister. You are right. She is insinuating that I am not doing my role. “Role” as a good sister

    Her text message was in a big way – a reminder to me saying “hey I know that you don’t really care about me as a priority, but I’m fine over here, here are some issues that I may have just in case you’re wondering, but you’re likely not wondering because you’re a selfish. A sister that no longer cares at my my day-to-day life or my safety. But in case you find it in your heart to care about me here is some information I will tell you.”

    ———

    So when I read this message I was at brunch with my husband. I did not drop everything to respond to her. But I will tell you the few things that went through my mind.
    First of all I read it and I was astonished. I thought, what are you talking about? If I was actually worried about the earthquakes and your trip I would’ve reached out to you. You’re making something up just to find an excuse to talk to me so that you can shame me for not caring about something as worldly as an earthquake!!! I’m not an idiot, I know about natural disasters, and I wouldn’t let anyone I know go on a trip to a national disaster place. Also no one goes on a trip —a girls trip to a place that just had an earthquake if it is in shambles. No one does that. It’s not a thing. so there was zero risk of that happening. Don’t bring up stuff to get attention.

    Next, you mention the part about the cockroaches in your apartment. The old me would have dropped everything and said what can I do to help you. You said there are cockroaches in my apartment since Sunday, the exterminators are coming.

    i respond to the text with this:

    “Glad you can still go on your trip, yes go ahead and send me any information you would like. Oh that sucks the cockroaches, glad it’s getting settled – I hope thats been OK for you.
    her response:

    No it’s been kinda scary and horrible-the cockroaches lol”

    lol?

    She’s making a joke about a response. If that response came from anyone else it would be funny. It could even be a laugh out loud moment. Of all things cockroaches! A typical classic New York City scenario not uncommon! But here she is, Not trying to quell my fears, not trying to say hey sister I’m fine, no need to worry. She’s trying to do the opposite, she’s trying to instigate worry in me!!! A younger sister who actually cares about what I texted her that I’m going to be missing in action and not really be available would not go out of her way to remind me of something that she is going through  if it’s frivolous like cockroaches!! She would not go out of her way to find a way to have me concerned!! She would not go out of her way to remind me that she exists and I should be on her radar.

    I did not get mad at her text, I responded above, nicely and politely like I would do to anyone else. The thing is, she’s not just anyone else, she is my sister and we have had a lot of history.
    She told me that she would send the addresses to me. This is something that we always have done for our parents in the past. Normal thing when traveling. Tell them our itinerary. Sure. Perhaps she misses having that security, someone looking over her. That makes sense, and any psychology book you would read that, a child or person that has recently gone no contact is going to crave that parental figure, someone who is concerned about them  looking over them, someone that they can rely on.

    got it.

    But if you’re so concerned about having this person who is someone you can rely on, someone who wants to give you safety. A figure that is there for love and support, why would you be passive aggressive? Why would you act like an unpredictable b****? Why would you sabotage this by acting impulsively and brash, And not respecting someone in this scenario?

    when I say not respecting I’m not saying that she sitting there throwing bricks at us and cursing us out every day. But the way that she acts passive aggressive is still not an excuse. She is unpredictable and the way that she shows concern and respect. Just two weekends ago she was extremely rude.

    My dog was staying with her for a day because she stated that she was going to miss him if we move. She wanted him to spend more time with her dog before we moved. So I gave in and said OK I have to go to Philadelphia for an evening, so why doesn’t he come over then. What ended up happening is the following. Our event in Philadelphia ended up being longer than usual. The friend that I was spending time with is actually a very close friend of mine, s. And someone else who you don’t know. Anyway, we are like family I’ve known them for a long time. The parents invited me to their house for dinner, which is right outside of Philadelphia, after the event that we went to. So I was texting my sister that we might end up actually staying another night in Philadelphia, or coming home really late.

    Earlier that day she talked about how Much she loved my dog, and was so happy to have them over, and it was brilliant seeing both of the dogs playing together, heartwarming. She said pick him up at any time this weekend. Best time ever and so many fun pics and videos. I said great, we exchange some pictures from my day  and that was that. So then, backing up, I text her and say that we might end up coming home later than we thought, and might even end up staying an extra night in Philadelphia as we are going over for dinner after the event. Therefore it’s going to be later, as of course New York City is a 2 Hour Drive.
    At first she responds fine, and then she talks about how she is not feeling well, and she is feeling sick. I said to her, OK well if you’re not feeling OK we can come back early. She then starts texting things like let’s stick to the prior plan. Anything later than the evening is not going to be OK for me. I really need to get rest, (side note my  dog doesn’t let anyone sleep in – my Husband and I are accustomed to this because given our fields, we hardly ever sleep in past 7 AM hence why he as a dog child is likely used to this). She said that she has a bad cold and so she’s going to sleep early and wants to get a good nights sleep before the work week.
    I said OK, well in that case why don’t I pay for your cab to go across town and why don’t you just drop him off in my apartment? So that you can go to sleep in peace and you know that he won’t be waking you up at 7 AM on a Sunday.

    she says no. “No, I can’t do that. It’s P birthday and we are all going out.” I think to myself OK so you’re too sick to have my dog over, someone that you really want it over and kept going on and on about. But you’re not sick enough to go out with your friend. I reasoned with myself, I remember being in my mid 20s, and I would never give up a social event even if I wasn’t feeling well. So I got it. I remember those days  but hmmmm

    Sometime passes and I was spending some time with my Philadelphia Crew. I half an hour or so later, all of them kept begging us to stay over. We hadn’t had a Philly reunion in years, and so therefore they were saying, please stay longer let’s have dinner and have you guys stay over, we need some quality time.

    I text my sister again, like a normal sister. I tell her all about the friends that we are hanging out with and I tell her, everyone’s asking us to stay later, so what do you think?  She replies, OK it’s fine I’ll just keep him over.
    ok.

    What a strange turn of events all day she was going on and telling me all about her day, sending me millions of pictures, and now all of a sudden her demeanor changed. Now she was direct and certain and not warm.
    Ok.
    So we had to our friends apartment after our dinner, it’s about 9 PM, we all have a glass of wine and some chatter. My husband and I are not feeling so comfortable, first of all we didn’t necessarily want to sleep over as there was a full house, and we had already lost a lot of sleep the night before, sleeping in our own beds was probably something we needed. Second of all, my sister’s demeanor with that Chad didn’t make us feeling very comfortable about keeping our dog with her, if you know what I mean. It wasn’t a warm and fuzzy and comforting situation. So at 10 PM we started driving back. No big deal.
    I text her and say- Hey we are not going to sleep over after all, driving back now I’ll be home around midnight. Please keep your door open I will come in and grab the dog, I know you will be sleeping because you don’t feel good.
    her response:

    oh I will be up then – and she proceeds to send me a barrage of pictures of the dogs.
    —-

    at that point I hate to say it but my response our loud to my husband was this:

    this chick is insane.
    —-

    Back and forth and back and forth. Luckily I did not allow her to take away from my quality time in Philadelphia. But it started off with her super excited about spending time with the dogs. If that and went to her being stressed out about feeling ill. I don’t want to anger and passive aggressive behavior for keeping my dog, and having him potentially disturb her sleep that she so very much needed. It ended up with her giving in in an aggressive way and saying fine I’ll deal with it. And then after the fact when I try to accommodate again at almost midnight, she acts like she is as lighthearted and fun as could be and states oh don’t worry, I’ll just be fine, I’ll be awake. And proceeds to send funny pictures of the dogs like nothing ever happened. As though —-yay happy dog lover having a blast over here.

    It was then that I knew that I was no longer dealing with a normal person. It was then that I knew that my sister has a serious personality disorder. It was then that I knew that she could never be a part of my inner circle. It was then that I knew that I had to tell Anita, and that this was something big. My sister is much more damaged – but more so damaging to me than I ever thought.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Cali Chica.
    #333525

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Your text response to her was perfect. Her lol back to you is a little mask behind which she tries to hide her aggression a bit. It is not a  genuine lol. I am sitting by the fire with husband (earlier he was on the computer on a conference call/ a webinar) so I need to spend time with him. I sure am looking forward to read all of your above post first thing tomorrow morning, as well as anything you may add to it, and reply then. I hope I sleep okay tonight, better than last night. Thank you for the advice earlier.

    Good night, precious friend.

    anita

    #333583

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Good Wednesday morning. I had better sleep last night than for as long as I remember! I think that I need to drink more water and that I suffer regularly from some dehydration (note to self), and dehydration is one source of distress I can prevent. Still some pain, it will take some time without re-injury of course, for the bruising to heal.

    I am glad you liked my quick response to what I thought your sister was saying in her text to you, I can picture your dog looking at you funny, I can actually see him (from the photo) and you laughing out loud, a delightful image.

    Her text: “Hey hope you are well. In light of the recent earthquakes in Puerto Rico, I wanted to let you know that San Juan is safe and we are still going on a trip this weekend. I’ll text you the address of my hotel, and where the dog is staying just in case. Also- cockroach incident in my apartment since Sunday”.

    In addition to communicating to you that you are a bad sister, selfish, uncaring, she also gave you this message: I-may-die-and-you-will-regret-your-behavior (the “just in case” comment,  giving you the info of where her dog will be, in case she doesn’t return from Puerto Rico).

    You received her message while at brunch, a unique occasion to have brunch with husband on a weekday (once again raining on your parade!), and you thought that she sent the message as “an excuse to.. shame me for not caring about something as worldly as an earthquake!!!”- she wanted to shame you for not caring about her, for not being more involved in her life.. reminds me how in your previous thread, she shared that you don’t let people just live their lives, that you get involved in her life, micromanaging her.. so in this text she is shaming you for.. not micromanaging her, for letting her live her life.

    So she wants that SCC role, in this context, the Savior Cali Chica to rush to her apartment and battle those roaches, or get her another accommodation until the roach problem is resolved… and she wants you to look up the destination of her vacation to make sure it is safe, research it, tell her what she needs to make it a safe vacation.. she wants you to micromanage her. Complains when you did, complains when you don’t.

    And she probably thinks that she is a good sister because she does not burden you with her dog during her vacation, unlike what you did when you were sick and in California.

    “The old me would have dropped everything and said what can I do to help you”- the old you is Savior CC, and she, being the same as she was (no new her), would have eventually complained to you if you did drop everything. At least if you were to mention it sometime in the future, she would say: I didn’t ask you to drop everything, that’s on you!

    She is pressuring you to drop everything for her and then will tell you that she didn’t ask you to drop everything for her. Looking at her message, there is no asking there, true. There is no: CC, please drop everything and take care of me! Instead there is pressure as in, : I am going to make her feel bad, and if she feels bad, then maybe she will drop everything for me.

    If you confronted her on the above, she would say: but I didn’t ask you anything, I just told you the truth: I do have a roach problem. You are blaming me for all your problems as you always do!

    You sent her back a perfect text and her response: “No it’s been kinda scary and horrible- the cockroaches lol”- what she is saying is something like this: I was scared and I was suffering, and I still am, and it is horrible that I suffer from roaches and from a bad sister who doesn’t care and doesn’t do anything for me!

    But if you confronted her on this, she would say: but it really was horrible, where did I say anything about you being a horrible sister, lol?

    You wrote: “She’s trying to instigate worry in me!!!… to find a way to have me concerned!”- worry ,concern, and guilt. She is trying to feed and fuel and bring to life your role as a Savior, the same role that caused you to rush to her many times before, rushed to Arizona, rushed when she moved back to her parents, rushed to move her to Manhattan.. neglecting your own life, sacrificing your life and your health.. and all in vain. Because after all that rushing, all the resources spent on helping her, you are still a bad sister, because she has roaches in her apartment and you didn’t take care of that! And because she is going on a vacation and you failed to research the safety of her travel destination!

    So to be a good sister, in her mind, you have to be on your toes at all times, to have her on your mind as your number one priority: wake up every day and think: where is my sister, what is she doing, what is she needing from me this morning (and ask the same at noon, in the afternoon and at night. And the next morning).

    And if you rebel against this role, she will say: I didn’t ask you to do anything for me. You imagined I did, that’s on you. Unhappy, CC? Well, don’t blame me. You always blame me for your problems.

    “Perhaps she misses having that security, someone looking over her. That makes sense.. a child or person that has recently gone no contact is going to crave that parental figure”- but she craved Savior CC before she went NC, like when she was in AZ, she wanted you and your mother there, both. And back in January last year, the unfortunate medical emergency, she was still in contact.

    “why would you be passive aggressive.. not respecting someone”, not respecting you, that is- because it worked before, because she is in the habit of operating this way. And she will not consider that she may be wrong, that her thinking is distorted or that her behavior is dysfunctional, This is the hallmark of severe personality disorders: zero consideration of these things, therefore no prognosis of changing her thinking or behavior for the better.

    “I’m not saying that she is sitting there throwing bricks at us”- but she threw that bottle on your foot that day, and taking your health away from you, has been doing that for years. She managed to take part of your first brunch with husband, first on a weekday in a long, long time. That happened only yesterday!

    Passive-aggressive is aggressive. Look at the term, the aggressive in it is the noun, the passive in it is a qualifier, an adjective. What kind of aggressive, active or passive? If she did throw rocks at you and cursed you, that would have been active. What she does is passive aggression. Animals don’t do passive aggression.

    I imagine a first human who came up with passive-aggression, I can see that lightbulb in that thousands of years ago human’s brain: wait, wait, wait, this is brilliant! I can get what I want without risking an actual fight, I can get what I want with no injuries. I don’t have to throw rocks at her, and risk her throwing rocks back at me. Instead, I can make her feel bad without her knowing that this is my intent, next, she gets confused and does what I want… brilliant!

    When a passive aggressive person does what she does, her victim feels anger because we partly know that we are being used, but what happens next is that we are not sure, so we feel guilty for feeling anger at the … “weak” victimizer. So extra guilt is added to previous guilt. And for the passive-aggressive, our guilt is their gold.

    “the way that she acts passive aggressive is still not an excuse”, an excuse for not throwing rocks at you- if she threw rocks at you, you would have been clear about what she is trying to do,  and she wouldn’t get her way (plus she would risk a criminal record and perhaps incarceration), but if she does the passive aggressive thing, you remain confused and she gets her way.

    Back to the time before passive aggressive was invented: she throws rocks at you, you get bloodied, you throw rocks back at her, she gets bloodied. Fast forward, passive aggressive was invented, she makes you feel bad, you do what she wants, no rocks thrown, no blood. (stress related diseases are in progress though, invisibly).

    And now regarding your dog and Philadelphia: she wanted to have your dog spend time with your dog while the two still live in nyc, so you left your dog at her place while you and husband visited Philadelphia. “it started off with her super excited about spending time with the dogs”, sending you many photos and videos of the two dogs together. Then you text her that you may spend an additional night in Philadelphia, she says fine but soon enough she expresses that “she is not feeling well, and she is feeling sick”. Next you decide to not spend that additional night away and pick up your dog from her apt late at night, she then “acts like she is lighthearted and fun as could be and states oh don’t worry… proceeds to send funny pictures of the dogs like nothing ever happened. As though- yay happy dog lover having a blast over here”.

    Well, she was excited and joyful at first, then she got angry, very angry. She knows that she feels angry too often and too intensely, she knows it, she knows that there is something wrong with her, in the sense that her anger is too intense and too frequent. She probably has violent images in her brain when she is angry, wishing injury and death to those she is angry with. She feels bad about it, so she hides her anger best she can with lol-s and many, many light hearted pictures and videos.

    In the Philadelphia example, it is safe to assume she was light hearted when she offered that you have your dog spend time with hers, and during the planned time of the two dogs being together, then when you suggested a second night, she got angry. When you were about to pick up your dog and free her to sleep later the next morning, she felt a relief and was back to being light hearted and/ or was pretending light heartedness because she felt bad about being so very angry with you earlier.

    When she acts fun and light hearted, sometimes she really feels this way, at other times she is covering for her anger and hostility.

    “It was then that I knew that my sister has a serious personality disorder. It was then that I  knew that she could never be a part of my inner circle… My sister is much more damaged- but more so damaging to me than I ever thought”-

    – I agree. She and your mother, both exhibit severe personality disorders. This means that the two of them have zero willingness to evaluate their thinking and behavior so to detect any distorted thinking and dysfunctional behaviors. Therefore the chances that they will make a positive change in their behavior is zero. Either one can learn a new passive aggressive strategy, or your sister may learn a new way to hide her intense and frequent anger, but neither one will change into an honest and trustworthy person. That is very, very unlikely to ever happen.

    anita

     

     

    #333731

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    When a passive aggressive person does what she does, her victim feels anger because we partly know that we are being used, but what happens next is that we are not sure, so we feel guilty for feeling anger at the … “weak” victimizer. So extra guilt is added to previous guilt. And for the passive-aggressive, our guilt is their gold.

    This statement is as much gold as that guilt you reference is for the BPD person. This has been my MO for my entire life. NOT because I chose it. Not because I am over zealous. Over involved and over enthusiastic about getting involved. No.

    The first and foremost disrespect is her telling me that “no one told you to do that or act that way.” If we need proof and we are now lawyers – well this above text message my jury is my proof. My sister and mother RELY on me for security and functionality. They both disgrace me for thinking that this is myrole or burden besause they are secretly jealous of that ability of mine. Neither would last half a second managing as much as I do. Yet, they consider themselves whole capable and very intelligent (emotionally).

    See she NEEDS my SCC..not only does she NEED it, she gets angry if it goes away for a mere few days!!

    One may say well it’s not everyday she gets cockroaches, so maybe there what set her off and made her more seeking. No.

    No my jury. Today it’s cockroaches. Last year was a strange health issue. Then it was suicidal feelings/threats over a break up. Then it was wanting to quit her training program.

    In the future it will be boyfriend issues. And work issues. And friend issues and aaah. Always an issue. Everything is always an issue.

    She has so much anger you are right. So much that or overwhelms her. She notices every once in a while she’s ashamed of it. But she quickly validates herself and reminds herself – roar! I’m justified!! Look how unlucky I am. Of course. Angry. Roar. Of course I act this way. It’s not like YOU DONT!!!!

    No sister. We don’t. Well adjusted adults don’t. Stop thinking you are above and better adjusted then you are. You are troubled.

    Your guilt is a mechanism just like mom’s. Now that I see it as a mechanism over a reality. I no longer have to jump to support it.

    It’s lies. And it’s hysteria and harassing.

    #333861

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    More weather related news here- power line was knocked down by a tree last night, so no electricity and no internet, plus the generator’s batter is down, so I am in town typing this. Luckily the road was not blocked and the power line is being worked on, so maybe it will be fixed today, but in winter pasts, it took days.

    Regarding your recent post, regarding your sister and your Super/ Savior Cali Chica (SCC) Role:

    I agree that, very likely, there will be  more issues that she will bring up to you, more crises. This is why I suggested that you and husband make a plan regarding how to respond to possible future scenarios, or possible future crises that she will present to the two of you.

    I am surprised and pleased that she has been doing as well as she has been doing, keeping her job and her apartment and having some social life, and I hope this continues. But I don’t have much confidence that it will. I think that it is very likely that big issues will come up shortly, in the next few months or a year or so, I am guessing.

    Your sister is bad (old) news in your life. She took a whole lot out of you and your husband during her serious crises. Now, the roaches- that’ s a minor crisis, nothing much. At this time, while she is employed, living in her apartment, having friends, this is the best time in her life, as an adult, and it is your break from her. But serious crises are likely to follow and your break will be over.

    You have to put a complete stop to your SCC role with her, you just have to. ALL IN VAIN. All that you did for her was in vain and all that you will do for her will be in vain.

    You will get absolutely no real and sincere appreciation or credit for your efforts and sacrifice. None whatsoever. I hope you are not hoping for such, hoping and being motivated to continue that role with her so to finally get her appreciation and credit, to finally be acknowledged for being Super.

    You may be invested in finally getting her to admit that you are indeed super, way more capable than her. But it will not happen, there will be no real and lasting appreciation or credit, not even close to what you may still be hoping for.

    All in vain. Let go of SCC, she is not and never will be  super enough to fix a person with a severe personality disorder, not your mother, not your sister.

    I suggest again that you make a plan with different scenarios, different crises that she may bring to you next, and decide how you will respond to those when they happen.

    (And if you do move to SoCal.. do not allow her to follow you there).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #333879

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow- regarding the electric and weather! Well I am glad you are in town and have the option to spend time there and read and write. I am glad for this for you.
    Regarding the rest of your post.
    I simply do not care as much anymore. I know it may not sound real – but it’s true. Something that day (the one I wrote out to you when we are in Philadelphia) changed within me. Not that I don’t care about her. But I feel that day I surrendered my SCC role. Knowing that it was of no use with someone that’s acts like this. This meaning: all the spectrum she showed that day as being a microcosm. Happy excited, feeling lucky. Then annoyed confused and tired. Then angry and frankly just b****y. That last word was key. Man she really is just being a plain B. Not sad. Not scared. Not annoyed. But frankly a B.

    I don’t have expectations of her to do any of the following: appreciate mY SCC role. Ask for it or things related to it in a normal fashion. Politely refuse it in a normal fashion. Acknowledge the reality of who she is and much more. No. Just like I didn’t with my mom once I finally figured who she was.

    She is an adult and she will be fine on her own. If she isn’t she will learn to cope. We all do. That’s real life. And enabling her eccentricities and hysteria is not helping anyone.

    So the plan is key. Yes it is.

    Anita. My husband and I are knee deep no eye deep in the decision.  NY or CA. Without further in this exact moment. What does your gut say for us? East or West?

    #333887

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Thank you. Glad to read that you are so clear about your sister. Anytime you need me to remind you of your clarity today, let me know and I will.

    Regarding East or West, my gut says West.

    First, I have learned lately, the slip on the ice the other day (bruising is significant and it still hurts, still taking Tylenol), knowing falls and car accidents being common where there is snow and ice, knowing the difficulties of being stuck indoors because of wintry weather, I fully appreciate now weather that does not include snow, ice, and strong winds. SoCal weather  in this regard is perfect.

    Second, better that you live far, far away from your sister. She lives on the East Coast, so the West Coast is as far as you can be away from her. As long as you.. don’t allow her to follow you!

    Third, your husband has a chance to work in a more relaxed setting than in a busy hospital.

    Fourth, his surgical specialty- I can’t imagine there being a lack of patients there. Although falls on ice are rare there (unless one goes to elevated vacation/ skiing spots in SoCal), people over-exercise and hurt themselves a whole lot, in SoCal, as far as I know.

    Fifth, your husband’s parents will be fine if the two of you move, from what you shared.

    anita

    #333889

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree. You know what, I thought a lot of that today. So to summarize – in CA we had 2 opportunities. Newport Beach vs San Diego as you know.

    SD – it doesn’t appear to be financially much better than here. And the concept of moving and uprooting and starting fresh to have a high overhead cost doesn’t seem ideal. Although SD is ideal in many other ways.

    OC- Well you know the guy that wants to hire us. We have had many more talks with him. one good thing about his practice is the lower overhead. MUCH lower. As he has built out more of a niche practice thus streamlining costs. Next – he has a huge patient population and following. I don’t see difficulty with either of us finding patients given that. He is nice although definitely with an ego and someone that is not like us – in the sense that he built and achieved a vision and didn’t focus on being relaxed and family when he was younger. Now he wishes to step back from clinical work over time and allow the younger surgeons (such as the one he hired 3 years ago and potentially my husband) to continue. Financially there would be more future opportunity without as much of a plateau as SD as he continues to expand.

    Location wise we like Huntington Beach and in many ways area is similar to SD of course.

    #333897

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I’d go for OC then. I remember the ego problem with this man, but you and your husband are intelligent and educated people. If you figured all the logistics and legality of the the whole deal, then you are protected from his ego.

    A much lower overhead is key, so I’d go with OC. No ice, no snow, and Disneyland is the happiest place on earth (when the lines are not too long!)

    anita

    #333899

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    🙂
    Thanks for your input. I’ll keep you posted.

    Yes I have gotten to a point of clarity with my sister. Especially given the Incident in Philadelphia. And also because this painstaking decision has required My husband and I to be undistracted by anyone and also to have good whole energy. I did not allow her to take away from that. Even when she tried while we were at brunch- I shot it down. That’s it.
    Now is that the end? No. But it’s the beginning. And that’s huge.

    I hope you are feeling better from your fall.
    We love SD, beautiful breezy, full of that true Socal culture. But the job is not bad, but not a homerun. It doesn’t scream “uproot your life and move here!!”

    OC (the coastal) parts are equally beautiful albeit slightly more snooty or plastic. But you know what. There’s that everywhere. There’s good ans bad energy everywhere. What matters is from within.

    Next – I notice I am able to find clarity more quickly these days than even a few months ago. I notice this is a sign of progress. Being bogged down by rumination and second guessing is a sign of no – not a weak mine. But a weakened not rooted spirit. I notice My spirit getting stronger. I notice My ability to see all sides or something. Whether it is a person, place, or Thing. I notice that I don’t feel as guilty about my duty to others. Or If I do it passes. I don’t feel overwhelmed by it for days on end.
    In addition – I notice that I frankly don’t care as much about others anymore. Not in that sense. But in the sense of: live and let live.
    No one is sitting at home worrying about me all day. That would be silly. People work properly and are happy when they have an inner circle or focus (no matter what it may be). Without this groundededness – it’s impossible.
    Live and let live. We are all worthy of some peace.

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