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Establishing boundaries with my mother

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  • #382275
    Namaste87
    Participant

    Dear Wind

    Thank you for your detailed post. Many of the things which you have mentioned in your post, I have already come across those concepts before, I have reflected upon them. I have used some of them to make improvements in my life.

    E.g. I have mentioned before, I have forgiven my parents for their behaviour, there is no longer a burning anger inside me.I am also grateful for things which happened to me in my life. It made me study very hard, doing two degrees at once and also a degree and a full time job in my early twenties. My father’s misjudgements with money, taught me to be prudent of my own financial dealings. I bought my home (however small) together with my husband at age of 28 in one of the most expensive cities in the world.I am debt free except for the mortgage.

    My mother’s state of mental health, reminds me to take care of my own. I am not ashamed to be vulnerable and take help. Her terrible relationships with people, ensured that I had my circle of dependable people.

    I am thankful to my parents for teaching me to read and write, give wings to my ideas and helping me shape opinion. They are far liberal for people of their generation as well. For an Indian girl, I was never asked to wear this or that. I am grateful for them teaching me to treat people from all classes equally and being confident in every environment. I was taught to eat at fanciest restaurants as well as from shanty tea stalls. To always have a sense of adventure and explore the world.

    But, I am not at a stage where I am thankful to my parents for the other things they do or did. I end up feeling helpless and guilty around them. As you said, I try and manage my responses but there are days when my mind simply cannot take it. I become a prisoner to my emotions so to speak. May be with time, this will go away.

    I will meditate upon this and look at it from a third person perspective in coming months.

    You mentioned a lot about SOUL choosing things…I am not sure how to interpret this at all. As someone raised in a Hindu household, took upon to read the Bhagvad Geeta out of interest at about 17/18 from my grandfather’s library, these concepts are not alien to me at all. Ever since, I was a teenager, I have been trying to look for answers for the problems which I have faced.

    This has made me dip into philosophy, Vedic astrology (I know the basics and use it as a guideline), self help books, phycology and now meditation. On a personal level, I may be ok with concept of my SOUL choosing my mother and father. Maybe it was a past life karma.

    However, as a practitioner of law of this material plane, I beg to differ on this concept. Does it mean that all the horrendous crimes committed against people are as a result of their own choosing? As my favourite author/contemporary philosopher puts it in his book “How the World Thinks : Julian Baggini”, is karma also an instrument/excuse by those in power to suppress the destitute?

    Was it right for people who were my carers to molest me as a child (3-5)? Did my SOUL choose a mother, who when I narrated these things happening to me (when I was 23/24) accused me of lying and refused to listen to me?

    Maybe she was in denial, but couldn’t she hug me instead? I believe this is the hardest part for me to understand in the SOUL choosing theory. I am not even angry towards those people who molested me. I have no feelings towards them. I just think they were so very wrong.

    I would end this by saying thank you for taking your time to write to me and remind me of staying in the present moment.

    Namaste87

     

     

    #382279
    Namaste87
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for appreciating my poem. Your interpretation of my poem is almost accurate. Although, I had particularly those in mind with unfavourable circumstances, not all of us get a chance to be adorable roses in a well kept garden. Some of us fall into muddy waters, some by the roadside. And yet we learn to bloom, however small or big our petals maybe!

    You also mentioned:

    ”talk to him about what specific behaviors (that he observed other mothers do) does he considers to be mollycoddling, see if the two of you agree on the matter. And when time comes, and you find yourself mollycoddling your child (in your opinion and his)- then gently correct the specific behavior.”

    Great advice! I will keep this in mind. But, I do know he was referring to me checking with him the other day if his ankle was alright at least five times in two hours. He had badly sprained it from his run and we had gone for a long walk the next day.

    Hope you are taking care of yourself in the heatwave which Northern America is facing at the moment!

    Many thanks

    Namaste87

    #382294
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Namaste87:

    You are welcome. “not all of us get a chance to be adorable roses in a well kept garden. Some of us fall into muddy waters, some by the roadside. And yet we learn to bloom, however small or big our petals maybe!”- true, and beautifully said.

    I agree with what you wrote in your first reply today, regarding the idea (connecting it to your poem) that the muddy waters we fall into at birth (and live in as children) is somehow our own choosing, or our karma- this falsehood is indeed “an instrument/ excuse by those in power to suppress the destitute”, saying something like: you don’t like the muddy waters you were born into, and grew up in.. well, you deserve it, it’s your fault! .. Well, you couldn’t have been at fault as a baby.. it must have been then something you did before you were a baby.. must have been in a previous life!

    “I do know he was referring to me checking with him the other day if his ankle was alright at least five times in two hours. He had badly sprained it from his run and we had gone for a long walk the next day”- I recently observed a toddler fall on the grass, a light, soft fall. First thing he did, while still down on the grass, was to look up to his mother, searching for her reaction. If she expressed fear (through facial expressions, tone of voice and/ or words), he would have cried, figuring something bad happened. But his mother expressed no fear, and instead smiled at him reassuringly. And so, the toddler got up and went about his toddler-business as usual. Parents mirror reality to the young child this way, so it’s important for parents to contain their anxiety, particularly in situations that don’t warrant it.

    anita

    #382323
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My friend,

    I share some a mix of questions and ideas for you quiet meditative contemplation.. in your practice towards self understanding and discovery.. Take time with ideas… patient with ideas… gently…

    Each person is always right.. Always right means, only right equal with there cause and effect space and level of enlightenment.. But in another space? Example.. 3rd floor see, and knows everything equal with 3rd floor..2nd, and 1st.. But can know about 10th, 1000, 1000,000,000 …………?

    When fire is not seen, where is its location?

    A Priest, a Monk, a Beggar, a Hindu, a Moslem, an Atheist, a King, A murderer, a Thief, a Blind man, A Rich man…. All put their hands into the fire.. Depending upon whos belief or non belief, whos opinion, whos ideas, whos concepts.. Will be burnt more or less?..

    My friend.. Everyone lives and dies in the theory. Even a pilot must begin his training in the classroom.. But on the time, his books can not fly the plane for him.. He must enter the cockpit and practice..

    Without sincere practice.. Words, and the attachment to the appearance of ideas become another prison.

    As a woman of LAW..  Why the fish of fresh water can not swim and live in the Sea? Why the Sea fish can not swim and live in the fresh river? Each space has its laws equal with the domain. Not equal with the law, then can not enter.

    Observe.. how many spaces you can see, and look for the main law of each space.

    What Law controls each Soul that comes to the life in this body or that body? My friend, nothing goes beyond the Law of cause and effect in the physical space.

    And… emotions are the path of cause and effect.

    Another question…  3 babies born, lay beside each other.. Can you know, which baby will become the rich man or woman? A beggar? Or murderer?

    Each Soul comes to the life carrying the seed of cause and effect. .To receive one can, or 5 or 50… The path for cause and effect to appear is always through emotions.. And within each Soul is pure space.. Balance..

    But.. due to false seeing and attachments to the appearance of the life.. ideas leading to passions, desire, greed, lust, wanting, hate etc… lead each person towards evil acts (as you describe).. or ideas lead to enlightenment..

    There are more Laws than leaves in the forests of the world.. The Laws have no eyes, no feelings, no discrimination..

    Like the seed of a fruit tree, from the seed.. on the time.. each fruit appears here or there.. and can not know where or when until it appears..

    On the time… with enough conditions, details and occasion… Everything appears. People who commit crimes against others.. Why they can not stop? See there mistake? Forgive? Choose another behavior? Because the inertia from follow ideas lead the Soul into dark spaces of passion and can not escape.. Emotions kill.

    Within each Soul has frequency. Frequency attacks frequency. Or, frequency can equal with another and practice to grow up awareness.

    My friend.. Before you is a square box, a triangle, a circle, a hexagon… Did it mean the air inside was also each shape? To escape the suffering from a discriminating view from appearance.. Just throw away the boxes..

    Suffering from the habit of pulling the past continuously into the present comes from the attachment to the appearance of each situation.

    Of all the objects you have around you, from degrees, to house, to this and that.. Why the most basic of all objects you have being that of your body, you can not keep? If.. can not keep… what is the purpose of object?

    What is the formula for enlightenment? My friend.. There is no formula that can be followed.. The idea of a formula implies it came from an attachment to the self, an ego identity, a personality.. But what is the location of the truth when truth has no position? What can we bring through the door of the death?

    Delusion itself is unreal my friend as it has no self nature. And True nature is free from all phenomena..

    Each object has its Law. The Soul has law of the Soul.. The body has Law of body.. Go together like positive and negative.. As long as we remain fixed to the appearances of our life. We will always be in some form of suffering from feelings attached to good or bad, right or wrong, love or hate, happy or sad… If seeing from the eyes was the truth of seeing, why does a Bat not fly into things at night?

    By the View you use… then so it exists exactly..

    To escape attachment to the past and stop losing ourselves to the past.. We must cut all emotions with the past.. Cut and forget.. This is the a practice that requires great courage.. Because without the obstructions to endless questions of WHY.. What will we discover? Like words in the sand.. time erases everything.. Each life comes and goes like words in the sand..

    Freedom from all suffering lies within the skill to not keep, not hold, not possess.. Because my friend.. What you keep, keeps you. The body is like a suitcase.. what you keep, you must once again return to collect. That is the Law.

    When awareness becomes awake and we begin to see the basic law of cause and effect.. We see that the body is always the slave to each thought, opinion and idea.. Then we can begin the practice of cleaning the mirror of awareness from within..

    Everyone wants a baby… On the time you look at your baby.. Can you know your baby will grow to receive and pay what? Become what? Cannot my friend. Until..  everything appears.. on the time equal with cause and effect.. Effects always come right, without discrimination.. Because everyone can not escape keep, can not put down the feelings attached to the appearances of the life, because they did not dare to discover.. suffering becomes the permanent house of the Soul.

    Why you born this family and not another? Why this life you have the nature of the woman and not man? Why this man blind but not another… why.. why.. To see the law of cause and effect is the to begin see the path to freedom.

    To see, that each behavior, thought and idea, each action are like a farmer throwing seeds on his land.. and on the time from each seed, everything appears.. Beside flowers are always weeds.. Likewise for example.. within the Soul there is always pure and dark ideas.. equal.. That create the friction for everything to rub.. The friction is important detail for the Soul to grow up..

    Do not scare dark ideas attack.. Even you stand on top of pure mountain.. means beside you is equal dark mountain.. That is the Law of relative.. always opposites.. Im so happy, mean sad hides underneath.. I love, means hate waits underneath..

    Until my friend… we have the courage to begin put down left and tight, as the path to freedom lies between the space of Is and Is not..

    The world is full of people who said.. I know! I understand!.. But, after… what did they do? I know and I understand is the prison of habit… But, without sincere practice and action.. Each did volunteer to become the mouse running on the spinning wheel of repeat..

    The value only appears inside the action of practice.. practice to COME BACK to your pure bright nature free from all suffering.. From where I can say my friend?. from where I know? Because I did. I am not one special.. Dark forests and many Hells have been along my life… But.. there are all illusions caused by false seeing and thinking…

    Attachments to emotions is like living on a small island that housed Billions… all happy happy, sad, sad, love, hate, kill, etc…

    One day my friend… and we can not say if that is today or another.. Until…that day and time appears… You will see everything as it is by the standard of awareness… as the nature of awareness is seeing and knowing in quiet and stillness… the feelings can not enter in this space..

    So keep going my friend.. Keep inquiring from within.. the path to your freedom exists within your own nature… Not from outside.. Patience.. curious of all without holding or keeping any idea or opinion.. as whether an idea is considered as Holly or equal.. within the prison of KEEP, they become equal. Courage in each step, forgiveness in each action.. keep practice meditation and cleaning and clearing the dark thoughts that are like thieves of your treasure.

    From regular gentle self determination to practice..to curious.. to neither accept nor refuse.. we begin to attend to the inner garden.. and like everything within the life… On the time, when there is enough details and conditions inside and occasion … Everything opens… ON THE TIME. Neither early or late.

    So I leave you with this last idea… Thank you so much. Wind……
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    #382324
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Im sorry.. I am not sure the final idea came through clearly… So I send again..

    Thank you.

    Wind.

    So I leave you with this last idea… Thank you so much.

    A person can know everything in the Life.. They can know;

    About Science, Money,  Universe, Jesus, Buddha and all the other great teachers and all the other people who ever lived..

    They can know about and visit every Country in the World..

    They can see from the eyes and know every Holy place in the world..

    They can know the names and words of all the scriptures ever written by heart..

    They can know about and describe any physical object in the Earth..

    But…

    If one did not awaken their awareness to KNOW THEMSELVES from within..

    Then their life was like that of a person who spent all their time begging and scavenging on the streets..

    Not knowing, that the whole time stitched inside their old jacket worn every day, were rare treasures.

    #382405
    Namaste87
    Participant

    Dear Wind

    Thank you for your post and sharing your thoughts. I will reflect on them in coming months.

    Currently, I am processing a lot of things and more importantly the changes happening in my body. I don’t want to go into deep thinking at the moment, it is bringing too many negative emotions than positive ones

    I could do without them for now.

    Many thanks

    Namaste87

    #382408
    Namaste87
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita</p>
    I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the new things and advice on pregnancy and labour I am hearing and learning at the moment.

    On top of it the recent situation with my mother, is making me feel so inadequate as my own capacity as a mother. I am trying to be in present moment as possible. I have a holiday coming up in next week and perhaps that will make a difference. Otherwise its a groundhog day off late.

    You wrote ” Parents mirror reality to the young child this way, so it’s important for parents to contain their anxiety, particularly in situations that don’t warrant it.”

    Absolutely agree. I recently read this book on parenting by Phillipa Perry : “The book which you wish your parents had read”.

    Sometimes, I amuse myself- I am reading manuals on bringing up children. Should this be a natural thing? ( I know it’s not…but I struggle without a proper template) If someone asked me at 18 what I wanted to atudy/profession to pursue I had a clearer answer. But with motherhood, I struggle. I think I was doing ok…but the incident with my mother is pulling me down.

    I know I feel anxious around the people I love..making sure they are absolutely alright. I don’t know any better at times. But for the past year, I am much better with my typical responses to such situations. I hope to make continued progress in this area.

    Many thanks

    Namaste87

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #382420
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Namaste87:

    You are very welcome. “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the new things… the incident with my mother is pulling me down”- to be less overwhelmed with the new, remove the old burdens from your life (your mother pulling you down).

    Think of your role as a daughter to be a thing of the past, and your role as a mother- your New Life. Open the door to the new, close the door on the old.

    anita

    #382459
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes my friend.

     

    Thank you so much.

     

    I wish you good luck with your new family.

     

    Anytime you are curious attention to pure ideas that appear from the nature of knowledge… You are never wasting the time.

     

    Positive or negative are effects from a discriminatory View. Never from pure idea.

     

    As curious is a special door.

     

    Pure = No keep.

     

    One day..

     

    When the Soul is no longer entangled in the need for solutions from why..

     

    From escape the limit of emotions attached to the appearances of the life.

     

    And comes back to the house of awareness.

     

    Then you will will be home.

     

    When that day appears.. Always depends on your courage to self perfect.

     

    Good luck my friend.

     

    Courage in each step.

     

    Wind

    #384424
    moonlight
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Dear  Namaste87,</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>After reading your post and the rest of the thread, I feel like I am not so alone. Thank you for sharing your story and I found the responses quite helpful as it pertains to my own situation. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I am also 34 married and pregnant with my first child. My mother fits the description that you wrote about yours to a tee. Being her emotional punching bag my whole life had finally taken its toll. It has been three months since I have gone no contact with her. I moved across the country 5 months ago but I did not move specifically to get away from her. She pushed me to the brink and now there is no way i am going back to my old ways.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I, like you, am trying to heal from the past wounds while also thinking about how I can be the best mother possible to my baby. I want to live an honest life and be true to my words. No hypocrisy is allowed under any circumstances. It has been extremely difficult to come to terms with my decision to cut out my evil mother but knowing that I have a baby on the way has helped tremendously with the guilt and the shame. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Whether I am having a boy or a girl, I want to raise the baby as an honest person. I don’t want the child to grow up and end up resenting me because I was not true to my words.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I would never want my child to experience the physical, emotional and verbal abuse that I went through. I want to protect my child from evil, and pain. So if I tell the child you must not allow yourself to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way, then I myself must live by this rule. If I am friends with someone who abused me, the child might feel like okay so if you can be friends with your abuser why can’t I? So if I continue to be friends with my evil mother, my child will learn by example and I am setting him/her up for a lifetime of being in abusive relationships. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>it truly hurts that my relationship with my half sister is also damaged because of this but it is no longer about me. She will understand when she is strong enough to become a mother herself. She doesnt want to be a mother out of the fear of hurting our evil mom. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>My favorite philosopher is Alan Watts, I listen to his lectures when I feel depressed. I highly recommend.</span></p>

    #384504
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear moonlight: I admire you for turning away from your mother (ending contact with her)  so to be a better mother to your child! I hope the original poster replies to you soon. If you would like to have me/ other members interact with you, please start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page, and taking it from there.

    anita

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