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Cali Chica

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 1,382 total)
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  • in reply to: Self Trust #211609
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    What a joy it is to see your post first thing in the morning! What a pleasure. For that I am lucky to have someone like you to have deep incredible conversation with!

    in reply to: Self Trust #211419
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you – it is something I have “achieved” with the help of finding the path – which is with the help of you.

    in reply to: Self Trust #211413
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    great point, there will always be some good and bad and pros and cons. Also given what I have been through I am an extremely resilient individual so I am not worried about the ability to adapt. I just think like my previous post – I would like to pace myself.

    Interestingly that flakey friend (I mentioned 2 weeks ago) reached out to me multiple times this week. Asking how I was and if I was okay. (Since I hadn’t responded). I smiled at her inability to have shame for being such a flake – and acting like nothing happened. I feel compelled to do: nothing. It is a good feeling. Do nothing. No response. No explanation. Just be – and focus on me and the people who matter.

    in reply to: Self Trust #211405
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes Florida is easy! I am heading to nyc for an interview today. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night thinking about what my life would be like if I took that job versus current one etc. at around 4 am I had to stop myself and say: you are EXPLORING options. The choice is yours down the line. The external is not controlling you. You have choice. This was comforting. So often it feels that outward will control and take away from inward. I know I have a choice to sustain (to the best of my ability).

     

    I also know that wholesome people, work, and activities exist all over the world. They also DONT exist all over the world. I have developed life in which I seek that out now. Wherever. Whenever. I have self trust I will continue to do so now and through my adulthood. I have self trust because I have shown the results of it to my own self. I have reaped the benefits thus far. I can continue to. It is my choice.

    in reply to: Self Trust #211207
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes this is exactly what I need, and I need to make time for it.  Me myself and some waves sounds perfect. 

    in reply to: Self Trust #211195
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I should be more honest with myself (and you).  What I have been experiencing over the last few weeks has been to a different extent.  It is not as bad as how I felt in Feb before I decided to make the big decision to cut my parents out – but I am feeling burnt out.

    See in February this huge decision was made, which required, as we both know, tremendous healing.  At the same time, (mostly because of my wish) my husband and I started exploring different avenues for ourselves.  New locations, interviews etc.  Now this was not a simple exploration of “lets see.” No, it was deliberate effort upon effort.  It was emailing, and calling, and networking, finding connections in hopitals and practices in California, finally making some connections, flying out meeting people, more networking, getting some idea of what jobs may look like.  Then finally both receiving 2 job offers.  Even considering them highly going through paperwork and talks.  I mean even typing this is exhausting.

    Then over the last few weeks we realized that this move was not right for us – in short as per my previous post – why elect for more “obstacles and starts.”

    So now – you say – okay a breath of fresh air, at least we know we are staying local.  Sure.  Then out of nowhere my husband gets a job offer in NYC – which is great. The type of job he was hoping for a year or so ago.  Timing was interesting.

    So now this throws me (voluntarily mind you) into another tailspin.  So if he takes that job – what should I do? Stay at this current job, or find opportunities in NYC as well.  So having taken no break from aforementioned whirlwhind – I find myself doing the same networking, emailing, trying trying trying to see NYC options.  Why?

    Because that’s me.  I am hardwired to be a type A overachiever, to explore every option possible, to do and do and do.

    So then why here am I writing this, and almost complaining! I know the reason, I know what I am doing – perhaps I don’t know how to STOP.  Perhaps I don’t know to say, take a breath, everything is fine. you both have great options, stop seeking more and more and more.  stop and trust.  taking a day or two “off” from worry and trying is not only beneficial, it is necessary!

    yes, but…I don’t know how to…

    in reply to: Self Trust #211193
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    good morning. I did indeed read your reply this morning. One thing that really stands out is this:

    “and a good choice may be to make no choices, wait for later, when calmer.”

    I have major difficulty with this. In fact I can say I almost never do this. The reason being is that I do not reflect to say this is a particularly anxious moment, time, etc. No, on the contrary it feels like it is just how it is. The baseline. It feels that this how things are – so I must react and do.

    Instead I would like to say- I am particularly stressed and so my reactions are not all based on true thoughts or true situations. Anxiety is leading the way not reality. I am unable to decipher this.

    So instead I do not choose to “not do.” And feel the need to do more and more and more to “conquer and find a solution.” It is almost an obsession to not sit back and wait – but do the exact opposite go non stop and continue to try and do.

     

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #210997
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    this evening I was having some trouble not becoming overwhelmed by the “next steps” and if it will lead to further peace and good, or rock the boat. I started to ruminate – and looked outward and felt like everyone else figures it out easily. As much as I know this is untrue I am feeling stuck in feeling the overwhelming sensation of anxiety – and also the outward sensation of “why can’t I find inner focus on myself and my husband -like them.”

    II read this quote: Trust and anxiety are mutually exclusive so focus on trust, whatever you can trust at the moment, and anxiety moves out.

    i know this and even write things like this! Yet at this time I do feel pretty paralyzed with anxiety and unease.

    in reply to: Self Trust #210871
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to add more, but had to step away from the computer.  I like that you stated I am not superhuman, because I am not.  I feel nowadays, I find the ability to admit that humbling.  It is honest and true, it is a sign of self trust and authenticity.

    With that being said, as above – I have explained that our current choice is between 2 locations close to each other, but with different cultures.  Working in and around NYC is different than a suburb even if only 40 mins away.  These differences lie in the hospital, the patient population, the attitudes of the people.  This extends into work and personal life, there are pros and cons to both – and we will weigh them.

    I notice I find myself wanting to “stay put” given that what I have developed in life here is “not so bad” – in fact, it is quite great.  I have carved out space to find “the path” and given that, it has shed light to so many other aspects of my life.

    Prior, because I was so inundated by stress of my mother, nothing seemed great.  No location, no job, nothing would ever find me happiness – I was bogged down by something much greater.

    You’re right I do have to pace myself.  I do have to follow my instinct, and have an open conversation about whatever decisions we make in our life (my husband and I).  However, with that pacing myself will be important.  Thank you for reminding me that.

    in reply to: Self Trust #210861
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I absolutely agree. California is out of the question. Now are choices are here locally. Staying in the suburb we are in or taking jobs in NYC (45 mins away) which would mean we move to closer suburb to NYC (to allow a better commute due to traffic) or move to NYC itself.

    My memories of NYC revolve around living an outward life that had no space for inner peace. This was a different time, and I was not where I am now. If we were to move back as married adults we would allow ourselves more space (mentally and physically) and focus on work and different activities that are more wholesome. (such as live near the park, dog related activities, enjoy good quality friends when we choose and not all the time).

    So the decision is between these options. Also the jobs themselves are different. (there is a lot more on that end, day to day job differences, longevity, etc).

    in reply to: Self Trust #210853
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    thank you for reply. I am glad for our decision to not take on more obstacles. I find that when we create space to be our best self, we can show and even prove ourself what we are capable of – the level of relaxation, focus, and inner peace. When we function as our best self – we gain confidence that this part of us exists.

    Thus, I realize this has something to do with my grass is greener mentality. I realized yesterday evening it isn’t really about location or jobs or anything. It is that here in the present moment I have achieved a great state of calmness and progress. I do feel some anxiety about “changing” or moving away from my current state as I have worked so hard to reach this level. Sure, even if I move, my inner state can remain the same. However, added outward stressors may make that more difficult. On the flip side – wherever you go, there you are. Thus, if we choose jobs or a location that is slightly different from where I am now – I will still find myself on tjis path. The change of scenery and outward elements may just be taking a detour, but the straight path remains. I do have faith in this, deep down – but of course on the surface it is intuitive to think “I’ve finally gotten to a great place – why change, why rock the boat. “

    in reply to: Self Trust #210789
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you are well.  I felt compelled to check in with you today as though we are old friends.  I like that interaction of having your support, but also feeling that I enjoy sharing my life with you.  Although I am not so far advanced on my path as you, I hope you know I am always a listening ear for you as well – if you need.

    Since we last spoke, I feel much much more centered.  I think of it like this – all last week I felt I had a “setback” in that I was starting to become outward, or losing track.  Speaking with you and reflection reminded me that once you have a steady pace on the path, you will find yourself.  You will seek it, and it too, shall seek you.  You may take a detour, take the wrong exit, need a u-turn, but regardless you will end up back on the road – the straight road.  Not the circular road of rumination and self doubt, but the straight and forward road of self trust.

    In fact, the detours and exits remind us how great that straight road is.  They make us appreciate it- and proud for finding it – for many speak of it,  but not all end there.

    In a more specific sense, we have been thinking a lot about our relocation.  We have decided we are not going to move across the country.  This is for many reasons – many of which you shared with me.  In short, after all this stress, there is no need to pick up and start all over and add more road blocks to a feeling of peace and settlement.  Sure, anywhere you go there will be obstacles – but perhaps this is not the time to “actively” sign up for more so to speak.  In addition, the importance of being close to family (my husband’s family) has become more and more apparent of recent.

    In regards to what I shared with you about my husband – and how you so aptly described TDT – I have put a lot of thought into this last week.

    Then – all of a sudden, I stopped thinking about this over the weekend.  It went away, and I was just me.  I found that when I am just who “I am” in the present – I am not full of hate, anger, resentment, and unsettled feelings.  TDT may come in and out my mind – but  I do have control over it.  In addition, and most importantly I can differentiate between true and false thoughts.  Just like the basis of CBT in psychology is to correct false/incorrect thought processes – I notice I have a radar for this now.  Sure I can not stop thoughts coming into my head, but if I have some sort of radar – it is one step better.

    I notice when it comes to job stuff, and where to live – I do suffer from “grass is greener” mentality.  If option A is on the table and we are compelled by it, I all of a sudden think about all the negative about option A and feel drawn to option B.  If option B is on the table and we are leaning towards it, my mind goes the other way.  It is common to weigh pros and cons, but I know I have a tendency to do this to “another level.” It is not such looking at the good and bad and weighing it- it becomes deeper, more anxiety provoking, and also more extreme.  For example if your examples were a country life vs a city life (yes over simplified for example sake) – and over the weekend we are really considering the country option more – I will find myself feeling “down” and negative about it, and glamorizing all of the things about the city option.  When it is the other way around – my mind goes in the other direction.  I know this too is rooted in the TDT type of thought process.  This concept is more than just about choosing a job or place to live – it clearly, as depicted above, is based on the wiring of my brain.  Interested to see your thoughts on it.

    in reply to: Self Trust #209905
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Anxiety far pre dated N Or anyone. TDT happensed way prior. Moreover, even more distant incidents in infancy and childhood just like TDT happened regularly. So yes it was always there. Coming to awareness later does not mean it was always there.

     

    Thank you for the reply to my post. I will read it regularly. I know I am a fast learner, but as you stated, I also know it will take time. I feel perhaps overwhelmed in the current state as the old and new fuse and often conflict. It is like two different “parts of me” one saying go left one right. Well the part of me that has been present for much longer naturally wins – IF I let it. If I go down what’s “habit or natural”. But learning what I have over this past weekend. Healing is deliberate – healing takes space that is deliberately carved out.

    Relax the best I can. That is my one and only job! This will help myself, and also my wonderful partner. It will be the basis of all current and forthcoming healing.

    in reply to: Self Trust #209895
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I forgot to add, you wrote: “You shared in this post that your anxiety started with the ending of the relationship with N, the ex boyfriend. I don’t think so. I think that what happened is that you did a good job not having a felt-awareness of the anxiety before the breakup with N, but the anxiety was there. With the breakup, the anxiety intensified, arrived at your awareness and you felt it. You also felt the grief of your childhood.”

    Thank you for pointing this out.  I want to hear more of your thoughts about this. This is something  I struggled with for years.  I now read what you wrote and believe it and see it.  As the anxiety was always there, the imprinting was always there – the mother voice is and was omnipresent.

    But specifically  I want to know – what makes you say the anxiety was always there?

    in reply to: Self Trust #209887
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Incredible.  After I wrote that post to you – I wrote to myself. ( I didn’t want to post again and bombard you before hearing your reply) What I wrote to myself is what my interpretation was – why did I act this way. The first thing I wrote down was the The Disney World example, TDT.  I then proceeded to write about how TDT is a microcosm of everything. Yes.  I wrote how even looking around the living room had TDT.  I did an exercise last night – I looked around and saw something and wrote down my immediate reaction. For example TV set (my mother mentioned that only lonely lazy people watched hours of TV, most people have friends and social events so they don’t need to do that).  Next, board games under my TV (first thought – oh how sad, these board game are untouched – going back to the mother voice of the fact that more is better, solace is bad – mother voice would say well hopefully someone comes over to play those – which is false and not what I believe, but see the first thought!) and it went on.

    I wrote that this is why I tore these people apart, because in this world of TDT NOTHING is good enough.  You have a job, you want more time.  You have time, you want success.  You have success, you crave mental peace. You have mental peace— oh wait you don’t.  That doesn’t exist in TDT.

    The part missing from my prose yesterday was this:”a part of you believes that indeed it is she/you is a victim and therefore, your anger is justified, as well as the cruel behavior it leads to” Yes – justified.  You said it.  I in my head may not “think it” in thoughts floating above, but my ingrained soul and wiring DOES believe that.  I believe with continuing my healing path and getting farther and farther away from TDT, and rewiring to new thoughts – I will slowly let go of that. What do you think?

    I also was up all night thinking about this.  I was tossing and turning, and I look to my husband who is also.  Now this is a guy who NEVER had poor sleep until the advent of the stress from all this.  I look to him and I wait, I don’t distract, I don’t beat myself up for having insomnia, I don’t go to my phone to read or turn on the TV.  I wait and I see what comes up.  What comes up is the following – first spoken to with him (as he too sensed my energy and woke up as well) and then written down to post here:

    Dear Anita,

    You stated: ​Here within lies the real work, what is to come ​now​ is the hard work, it is the real thing.  ​I listened to this, and I believed you, I even thought I had an idea about what you meant.  But I truly understand now, in this moment. Now I know, now I feel it. This weekend gave me a glimpse of the real thing, the real work.  I had spent time in my cocoon, shielded from a lot of the distractions of the world.  Naturally that was not sustainable for long – so off I went back to the “real world.” Back to natural tendencies, habits, and the like.  It felt normal at first, of course I will be social again – it’s summer, my friends are reaching out – why not? But slowly being social turned into absorbing the issues of others, to having issues with boundaries, to feeling resentful for others’ taking my time/energy/focus.  But it is not them. ​IT is me.  I can choose who I give away power and energy to.  I have choice.  Just as I had the choice to remove my parents from my life, I have choice for the next steps as well. If I took that major choice – then I am capable of any choice hereafter.

    The interesting thing is, none of the struggles of this weekend involved my parents (directly).  This is how I know I am now on the “second” part of this journey. I didn’t think once, oh did I make the right decision, how are they doing, anything about them.  I thought of my mother as in that her mother voice has created such a negative bias in me, to taint my entire life and being.  For this I am not angry, I am aware.  For this I know it will take THAT much extra work for me.  I am not the norm, I am not the general population.  What applies to them does not apply to me, the strength, energy, and deliberate focus I must exert to heal is on another level.  Another universe.

    The road block (parents) is gone, now what is left – is me, is my life.  This here within is the real work.

    I see it like this.  I wanted to walk across the hot coals to get to the other side, to free myself, to achieve this goal to start a new life, a life without torment.  But this requires tremendous support.  I did not just wake up one day and decide to walk across the coals, for I hardly even knew what the coals were.  It is my husband who supported me every step of the way.  So when I was finally ready to walk across the coals, he said: go ahead.  I said okay, and before I knew it, he was laying down on these hot coals, so that I may walk across.  I walk across and think to myself – wow I did it.  Now what? Now I will move forward.  So I say to my husband, let’s go – I finally made it across! He says to me, yes and I am so proud of you,  but unfortunately I am wounded now.  You were able to walk across, and I offered you assistance, a way to bridge you over -but as a result I need tremendous healing.  I must heal these burns, I am unable to jump start this path with you – for now I need my OWN healing.  I have a task in front of me it​ is speaking to me loud and clear.  It is up to me to look  it’s straight in the eye and say I am ready for you.  What is this task – it is to fix.  Not just myself, but my husband, to fix us.  Fix may not be the right word, but facilitate healing is.  To make it a priority it is.  ​It is much easier to distract it is much easier to be outward , it is much easier to say I’ll get back to you in sometime when I’m ready. You’re never fully ready, but in this case I am, I have taken out many obstacles in my way, for I walked across the coals.  But that was hardly one small step, now is the real thing.  Along the way someone was wounded and burnt, I see this now.  I see the open wounds, and they are clear and loud. ​I have clarity, I have the ability to know better, the difficulty is that I too am struggling, the difficulty is that I too feel stuck in many ways, the difficulty is is that I also feel that I need support, well then let’s go support together make it a cost, make it a priority for what is more important in life?

    I used to say I wish I was someone that would cry and feel sad and set of manifesting things the way I do, by feeling wound up by something – the need to go to something to talk to people etc. Well deep down inside I am no different, it  is just that I distracted- I went out but I didn’t sit with my feelings, I never did sit, I numbed and I escaped. Well now there’s nowhere to go –  it is time to sit, it is time to sit with myself and with each other. This time not just with me, but with my husband who needs that more than ever, this is the time: it is the formative time where we can heal and we must heal together. I want a good life, and I want to start.  The power is within me. I don’t have to look far, nope. IN fact I must not look anywhere at all, just look to me and the wonderful person beside me.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.
Viewing 15 posts - 1,231 through 1,245 (of 1,382 total)