Bombarding * our inboxes.

Typing this out made me see how much sheer “text message” abuse I have endured over the last year. Just that in itself.

About a year ago my mother sent me, via 3 different types of text message modalities – a screenshot about how: a mother’s bond with her daughter is never broken, but if she marries a narcissist he will ruin all. She “cyber-bullied” me with this for hours. Sending it over and over.

Then shortly after from my father : a screen shot of how: “parents should not care for their children as they only turn their backs on them” this was sent not only to me but my sister as well. Where they find the things who knows. But to nonchalantly send them and then say call us a say later and act like nothing happened?! Upon me timing it my mother acted dumb and said: downtimes when you’re mad people do things, what you’re perfrct, what about all the wrong time done? And then proceeds to make this conversation of course about how I’ve done wrong shining light away from them.

So now on a Sunday when we are on the other side of the country and I see 5 unread messages of : puppies saying good morning , happy messages, random quotes. I see this as desperation and harassment.  I see this as having no respect and doing anything and everything to get attention, being shameless and relentless in your pursuits whether they’re “happy and positive” or negative and abusive depending on (like you said) their mental state. Often which is only based on external affairs.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Just in a few days of taking our words to heart and letting it sink in, I feel a slight shift. As always I am thankful and grateful for any progress knowing that some maybe temporary and some may not.

I admire your follow up post to the one above – where you added your win win statement. Yes if its a win win. So often with diplomacy, brushing the surface, and not being held accountable (all common themes in today’s society) people don’t fully come out and say the truth.

So often people say – keep in touch knowing very well they won’t and don’t even want to. So often people say sure to a plan they know they will cancel on soon enough. So often people say catch up soon, knowing that they won’t put any effort in on their end.
I dont hate these people, or concepts – or feel as bad about them anymore – for I know they can affect me only to the extent I let them.

Back to you. Thank you for coming back and adding that portion. It taught me something. I am allowed to say – sorry this communication/relationship is no longer serving me. As you know I ruminate over past friendships that have ended, or feel instantly that I have to do “my part” and keep trying to make sure things can work. This goes back to the job I was given by my mom. Your comment was so simple and true – yes you (or a person) will continue communication with the opposite party so long as both parties benefit and have mutual respect. You give yourself permission to exit gracefully If this is not The case.

Beautiful – I love it.

The second part of my post today involves observations during my weekend. We are away on travel interviewing for jobs. I am in a location that is very different than what I am used to–, and to think wow we may live here is both exciting and overwhelming.

My first instinct and default whenever I go anywhere – such as this would have been – am I going to be lonely here? This is the case If I have to imagine myself living there – I think of all the good things then instantly go towards that question of lonely? The mother voice is always external – saying look it looks desolate, looks sad and depressing, maybe it’s lonely here –oh no. Perhaps it seems fun for a while, but maybe not friendly long term. These are always her comments.

Well this though just hit me this morning. All weekend it did not cross my mind. Sure I am in a major America city that is very lively – but that’s not the point. I realize that I no longer believe this. Being lonely is not a function of your surroundings. It is a function of yourself. Sure there is influences from external, but having lived in Manhattan for many years I know, that the external world is just that. External. You can live in Nyc and be content as be, or sad and lonely stuck in a traffic jam of thousands of people. That is all dependent on your mental state (of course it’s not exactly that simple).

Yes there are locations that we feel happier in than not. Yes there are locations and cultures that suit us better than others. Sure.

But what my mother did was not this. She made it a point to always point bad about anything she didn’t appreciate or understand. And seeing now that was everything – given that she speaks untruths, she knows nothing.

I am happy that I did not look at this new city and think wait will I be lonely here. Because I know I am on my journey. On days I suffer I may feel lonely, that may be on top of a mountain or in the middle of Times Square. I’ve lived enough different phases by now in different cities and all to know that here I am. I am here writing on tiny Buddha and despite all my surroundings I am just starting to see the truth. That is what its about. I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look within. It is much easier to say oh that neighborhood is negative so I feel negative. Oh that state is dull, so I feel dull. It is much more difficult to say, I am struggling from within so I paint a negative or dull picture of anyone or anything.

This has been eye opening to me this morning. I see so many times I wanted to point the finger at a place or a person, to think this is causing me distress and more often than not it was my internal struggle that was rearing its head. This allows me to realize there is more control of one self. Life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them.

The ability to make the most of a situation is within me- but I never allowed that or Gave it power, for I always thought it was out of my control. Of course I did: something happy could be instantly negative (such as Disney world example). Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us (example of how she was convinced my husband’s family was evil one day and not the other).

These are untruths. We have more power to enjoy, to be optimistic, to not focus on what isn’t ideal. If we ALLOW ourselves. If we become unstuck.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Good morning Anita,

I too feel affection and appreciation towards you.  In fact there was a few hours yesterday due to technical difficulties we could not post, I thought to myself – I hope this doesn’t last long as talking to Anita has been such an important and precious part of my last few weeks (if not months)!

I have been doing more observations vs. judgement over the last few days, of myself, and of others.  I observe that my post above may look to an outsider or bystander as: “wow, this girl is coming to an awakening, she wants to be free and prioritize herself and say NO more abuse from parents.”

Sure – yes in theory.  But as I point out, I am by no means fully ready at this exact moment to make that decision. More on this below.

I notice that instead of my thoughts going in circles (rumination) – they have new wavelengths.  I visualize this as a circle with a small opening that goes elsewhere, perhaps an arrow – instead of a deep rooted spiral.  This arrow has led my thoughts to new places, unknowns.

-if my parents died suddenly, what would I feel?

–perhaps some strange relief to be honest, but the key point is here my natural tendency is to think this: i would feel sad because my parents lived a tortured life, and now they are gone before they had the chance to ever live happily, oh what a shame they died in vain, never experiencing joy or rising above all the afflictions.

to that person I say: that’s not my fault.  this may sound sad if written in a history novel, but in my life all the above has caused me is suffering. to the point that my life has been far worse than theirs.  i can mourn that individuals suffer, but I cannot feel guilty (or at  least work on trying not to – it will take time).  For it is not my responsibility that they never rose above and found happiness.  This makes sense to me if I outline it by tangible examples.

–my whole life the holidays were sad and lonely, fillled with, oh everyone else has better plans. as I got older we traveled and were always occupied so this wasn’t as apparent (but the hollowness was still there).  I grew up and found a man with such a giving and loving family that they opened their arms up to my parents and family for every holiday.  treating them like their own even prior to us being engaged or anything. buying gifts for my sister. the whole thing

what did my parents do? they insulted these people, treated them like garbage, showed off in front of their extended family, and acted superior.

well you know what – you no longer have relations with them.  there you go – all your life you were lonely during this time period, and I “found” you someone that will include you with open arms.  And all you did was spit on it and ruin it.  your misery during this time now forward is nothing but your own self sabotage.

this example leads me to realize that even without realizing – I always did try to bring them happiness, and fill their voids.  But as you pointed out months ago in one post – there is no pleasing a mother (parents) like this.  nothing will EVER be good enough. yes anita – I now know what you mean.  I truly do.

my father calls me yesterday to discuss a car registration (mundane normal topic) – and if anyone was listening it would be as normal as ever.  it’s moments like these that I have a temporary lapse thinking oh they can be ” normal sometimes.”

he then goes on to talk about our “move in the next 6 months” and is pointing out all the good things that are close to home (where I grew up).  what he is trying to do is play that game of persuasion without sounding pushy.  well I am far smarter, diplomatic, and astute than he – and I read right through it.  I said to myself, my husband and I will move where we want to, when we want to, based on our choices – this will have nothing to do with you.

I see that they know Cali Sister moved 2000 miles away, and don’t always focus on her coming back (perhaps they know she won’t) and I have always been the golden child, obsessive priority.

I see that they have no life.  I am their life.  I am their hobby.  If they happened to be busy with something else (plans, family members, travels) sure that is occupying – but that is all momentary.  In the grand scheme of things I am their life.  Understanding this is important because it goes back to my previous post, on how they would be when I have children.

I like that you pointed out to my sister and I that even the worst people, have some glimpses of “good qualities” or seemingly normal.  I must remind myself this whenever I find myself engaging in something that may not be classicially negative (such as talking about car registration).

I know that they are desperate, and expect me to be their savior from their miserable hollow lives.  I can not.

“Where should your loyalty be, whose well being is your responsibility? Your own. What a concept, isn’t it?”

Yes quite a concept, one I can not absorb in its entirety just yet.  It makes sense, but does not mean much just yet – but I know it will, I am close to it.

I have a feeling there will be a breakdown sometime soon, perhaps if we decide to move to another part of the country, and they sense that we are avoiding them.  perhaps this breakdown will not be for months, who knows.  it is only a matter of time.

I ask myself – am I waiting for some huge debacle to say no enough is enough? am i waiting to hit rock bottom yet AGAIN – before I can walk away.  I think so…I can’t say it sounds like a good idea from the outside from a reader, or someone like yourself.  But I know I am not ready just yet.

I do want to focus on some small victories however, as that is more attainable for me at the present moment.

-I do not feel the need to make a plan with them anytime in the near future.  They can sit with the uncertainty of when will we see them next (next month – 2 months – oh no when) — that’s fine.

-I do not feel the need to tell them any of our plans re: potential move locations.  we have been traveling and interviewing all over the country and will continue to do so through february.  I used to feel that if I was on a plane and traveling far they should at least know.  It’s my little secrete with my husband and a few others – and that suits me just fine.  No one’s opinions matter

-I do see what you mentioned about “protecting” my sister by keeping in touch with them. It is false.  There is no protecting from monsters.  whether you talk to them daily or never ,they are and always will be the same.  My sister  and they have a very very different relationship.  That is not up to me to mend, to protect, or change.  Also, continuing to harm myself is no good for anyone, myself or my close loved ones (such as my sister and husband) they –as you know in her posts –have suffered negativity from me when I have gone down dark paths due to my parents.  When I am ready to break away from the evil, it will be for me (and all else around will also benefit down the line).

-You may not know this per se, but my mother has put a tremendous emphasis on our Indian culture.  Which I loved, I speak 2 Indian languages, trained in classical dance, have a great appreciation for the food holidays etc.

but not only did she emphasize it – she taught us there was only one way – for example:

-oh your future husband doesn’t seem to speak the Indian language at home, his parents don’t have good culture (wow can I believe that I actually believed thus! the power this woman has over me in brainwashing)

-oh that part of the state/country etc doesn’t have a lot of Indian culture, you won’t be able to maintain it (which to me means that I MUST find Indian cultural activities in proximity to where I live or I am not doing a good job maintaining it) this is my JOB – and as you know I take my job very seriously

-children (of people in my generation such as my friends and cousins) don’t seem to have culture these days.  Your generation isn’t teaching them the language or values.  (to me means, wow i must do that when I do have kids because If i don’t it equals bad)

With the help of my husband I am seeing things a little differently.  Yes, I do value my culture and things like language ARE important to me, as is food, dance etc.  But I see that holding and gripping onto the above so tightly isn’t culture – it’s small minded control.  It’s narrow minded thinking in that only one way is good.  In fact, if “cultured Indian people” are so great – then why are you so evil mmom? did your culture that is so full of family values, and respect and all teach you to disrespect and abuse your daughters? is that culture?

i know and hope that over time I will develop my own sense of what culture and traditions mean to me.  I know it won’t be easy as I have been taught there is only one right way. But as you say – all they do is speak untruths.  If any of it was true, wouldn’t they be happy – and wouldn’t I…?

hello

Also,
I can see that her patterns and behaviors began in childhood. This makes sense to me medically and scientifically and also in my own self. The neuropathways are formed when we are young and impressionable. Sure the manifestations of such can be later in life if there is a traumatic event, or some other form of provocation.

In addition, there is a strong family history of mental illness. My maternal grandmother (her mother) had a severe history of depression and under went ECT and hospitalization and multiple medical treatments all throughout her life.
She took her own life via suicide when I was 16 years old. (she always lived in India).

This has always shown me, when I had moments of confusion and questioning- that there is an objective family history. Of course, what this passes down genetically is never know for sure. But I sure do know there is a predisposition.

So going back to my mother’s untruth. Like you said who does she tell, she had no one. So she told us (which as you pointed out is wrong). But not only did she tell the wrong people (my sister and I) she also spoke untruth. Wow…

I was talking to my husband yesterday about this one incident. My mother had visited India a few years ago and went to visit his uncle there. (Our families had good relations back then, and it is not uncommon to visit the other side’s family)
My mother had come home and told me how Nice they were and they had a good time.

My husband recalled yesterday, that when those individuals came for our wedding a few months ago they mentioned that they knew all about My mother’s lavish vacations and saw our whole house. Someone had asked how. They said oh she brought her iPad and showed us all your house and vacation pictures.

This is not uncommon. She goes to places, as sister knows, and goes on and on about how she lives a “five star life” that she lives like a movie star and says absurd things to mere strangers.
I always either ignore it or thought it’s her way to “gettint back at the world” as she was so “screwed over” and suffered that now she she just shows off to make herself feel better.

Anyway I know I’m getting a bit off track. But I’m thinking wait. We always thought of it as:
Moms life was so bad, everyone was bad to her, she had this magical childhood and life before she got married and moved here, and it all went downhill because how much others caused her harm.
Her insane ways now are retaliation for that, the abused becomes the abuser.

But perhaps its more than that.

Did you have a better childhood than your mother’s?

Absolutely not.  In fact, my mother spent so much time glamorizing and glorifying her perfect childhood to us that it was a deep space of sadness for my sister and I. We often felt that this wonderful beautiful childhood that my mother experienced no longer exist, and we are destined to a negative childhood. childhood where neighbors don’t talk to each other, people are not family, and then there is no love in the world. Sure times are changing, there is a difference between the United States and other countries. And of course many people do have these gripes of the fact that the human touch is no longer as existent given modernism and technology. But at the ripe age of five or eight or whatever why w so burdened with such thoughts and such sadness. Because once again my mother‘s voice   When I look back at my childhood all I can see is sadness. Whether it was feeling sadness for my mother who is suffering for all the after mentioned reasons above due to her husband and family. Sadness for feeling lonely, and feeling like I was born into this life of only of us because as my mother said that is our bad luck. And just sadness in general because there was always a sense of unease, that what we had was not good enough, such as we are on this amazing Disney World trip but there is something missing everyone else is happy but we are not because we are not lucky to have what they have. So all in all know my childhood in fact would be described as very terrible. At the age of 32 now it almost feels weird to say that Because as you know I have been repressing these truths for all these years. I wasn’t hiding them because I was embarrassed I truly did not know that. Not to mention the fact that my mother made it very evident that we were never supposed to show anything bad about our life we were always supposed to make everyone think we had a perfect life and even try to be jealous of us, this behavior of hers came into play later when I was closer to adolescence. But of course that’s what sticks.

Do you have a better life than your mother?

What a simple but difficult question. My knee-jerk reaction is to say yes of course I do, I have the independence to live where I want, Mary who I want to, the educated and successful in my own right. Of course I have a better life, for she moved here to give me this opportunity so that I would have a better life. This is an innate response that perhaps many immigrant children have, and it is definitely the knee-jerk response for me. But knowing what I know over the last two weeks with our conversations and really letting all that sink in. Do I have a better life than my mother?

Sure I can be at a five-star luxury hotel, I do medical conference, be on awonderful date with wonderful man. What does it all matter because I have suffered mental torture from the day I was born. What does anything matter what are you are rich or poor, uneducated  or educated an immigrant or —not if your baseline self never feels at ease.  My sister has touched on this, and your response was on point. I suffer from insomnia, headaches, chronic muscle tension and of resent over the last year and again now deep feelings of despair anxiety and sadness. My mother sleeps fine every single night, she never has an ache or pain, she doesn’t have somatic manifestations of this anxiety because she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to really absorb or suffer in the way that my sister and I do. Do I want her to suffer in that way? No that’s not the point but to your question do I have a better life than my mother, I do not. I suffer to a greater extent and so many ways and just my daily breathing that she does not. I don’t have to validate and say well at least I wasn’t abuse the same way by my own  Family and husband. But you want to know something, I was abused by my own mother tell me what greater abuse then from your own mom?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Yes. Not are they cruel and unkind. They gaslighted us and continue to if we ever bring it up or have a fleeting memory of such. They also bring up how ungrateful we are if ever speak the slightest mark against them.

This is quite classic. I think my sister and I struggle more with the things that aren’t as apparent or straightforward so to speak.

Such as with my mom – she did suffer a lot ever since she was married and moved to this country. My father was very bad to her especially in the first years of marriage until I was about 4 or so. And her own family members, siblings who had moved to the US prior to her were very terrible to her and me. My entire young childhood I recall feeling this and seeing with my own eyes My aunt’s and uncles leaving us out, Insulting us etc. When I was old enough to absorb it on my own I felt so bad that people would treat my parents this way. Back then they still tried a lot with such people and were always sad and defeated.

So I do know a lot of that suffering is true and objective. I do also know that it doesn’t warrant any of their own evil behavior. Sure. But I do sometimes struggle with the fact that they had so much sadness and suffering especially 10-15 years ago. And aside from them as parents, my mom had even more suffering given that my father also treated her poorly years ago.