Thanks Anita, I identify with a lot of what you said. I will say in periods of my marriage where I just relaxed and didn’t suspect anything – it didn’t end well for me. Something huge would happen (well beyond just normal vices) and I agree i’d fall into a pattern of feeling like I needed to be on alert. This leads me to kind of seeking the balance of ok this is a problem for me BUT also I have really strong intuition and usually if I’m sensing something it’s not nothing. Surely the level I perceive it at is a red flag to me that it’s also not just totally the other person. It’s just the balance there that I find very difficult to achieve. Not gaslighting myself when I know something isn’t quite right and also being aware of what my triggers are and wounds and how that influences what I perceive as threatening.

In the scenario with my current BF it’s honestly just this one situation that triggers these intense feelings. He had one other long term relationship we’ve talked about it lots and it’s sweet how he still thinks of that person fondly and can reflect on them well. I have none of the same feelings at all about that person or discussing them. I don’t know why all my bells and whistles go off so differently in regard to this one thing. We both enjoy a ton of personal space and freedom in our relationship and I don’t see myself seeking out other ways he might break trust with me.

I will take some time to process all of this. Thanks!

wow anita – I hope that all this amazing work really pays forward to you! this is really helpful. I want to take some time to digest this but to follow up on a few things.

I definitely did almost in some ways “survive” a marriage where I was constantly being lied to. Big or small things and I was always waiting for the shoe to drop. My ex feels enormous regret and voices it to me. We have older children and I usually do not respond to his reaching out with intense feelings anymore and refocus always on keeping things about our new relationship. But that’s how I have that information. He would say on this thread that ‘I am finally free of his anger, deception’ etc. He also has voiced the intense shame he carries many times and he grew up in a very religious home so it makes sense.

I also grew up in a very chaotic home with almost every type of childhood trauma that can be experienced present. I’ve done a lot of therapy around that.

It’s interesting to think about is the feeling about my current boyfriend’s ex the same as the feelings I felt ever-present in marriage. I need to think about that. I think it’s both maybe though. Maybe it’s both that I do have a hard time trusting and I do carry this kind of burden I don’t know how to release AND that there is some real kind of trauma there for my ex I can FEEL. It’s layered maybe? In any case i’d like to let both go 1. the worry that I can’t trust AND 2. the attachment to feeling his feelings.

Maybe I am projecting some of it onto him and they aren’t as intense as I imagine. Although he’s made some pretty specific comments as times that led me to believe the feelings were intense. We’ve also talked a good bit about it.

I am not sure I agree with – ” I wonder about shame and being your own, but hidden from your awareness” – but I want to sit with that. Maybe though… I am projecting how my ex felt and made me feel onto this new relationship. Like my brain thinks that my ex constantly hiding things from me is similar to this new thing…

I guess I meant in my other post that when I first realized my ex was hiding things from me he said he felt ashamed to tell me I reacted really judgementally  and I really was a hard NO on things that now at almost 40 I have a more balanced view of. I see how everyone struggles with numbing of one kind or another – some of us just have socially acceptable methods. Like is being a workaholic worse than a stress smoker? Not in my mind now – but in my 20’s I couldn’t of even considered that smoking for a time was ok. That’s not to excuse my ex for constantly lying to me on many issues BUT I see there was a layer to the situation I can learn from. As I learn to see myself as more human and get curious instead of judge myself harshly for my thoughts/emotions I can do the same for others.  I don’t see issues in relationship as black and white anymore and I try hard not to react out of ego or as a harsh parent version of myself. I think i’m doing a good job in my current relationship of noticing and struggling with and seeking advice when I suspect my reaction has more to do with ME than with the other person.

I can ‘see’ that this is triggering me and it isn’t all him although I suspect it’s ALSO true he has work to do in this area. Ultimately I am frustrated that these nagging thoughts just won’t go away for me and I want to do the work to discover what’s under them … this is really helpful and gives me lots of points to explore. Maybe more i’ve said will trigger more ideas from you.

Thanks Anita 🙂

Maybe there’s also a part of me that believes you can’t really choose someone new until you have healed and grieved something a little more fully. I don’t know if that’s actually true or not.

Thanks Anita, this gave me something to think about. More than being concerned with how I can change his feelings etc. I want to be aware of what i’m feeling and why. That thought of why someone else might have an intense feeling that is related to a childhood wound makes a lot of sense to me. I try not to gaslight myself when I have a really strong sense about something but I at the same time am also trying to separate my feelings from other people’s feelings. Sometimes when I can’t do that I just feel overwhelmed by an emotion I picked up from them one or two times it is really helpful for me to seek to understand it a bit. I feel like it’s becoming less of a strong emotion the longer I am in relationship with him. But it bugs me I can’t ‘let it go’ I guess or release it as just something that is his to deal with in his own time… I don’t know lot of thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to connect with me. Looks like you do this for lots of people and bring a lot of comfort.