August 5, 2020 at 8:20 am #363884
I started dating my boyfriend a couple months ago and he is everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s ambitious handsome kind to me and we have amazing chemistry together. However this past weekend I found out he smokes which has always been a deal breaker for me. I knew he smokes weed sometimes which isn’t a big deal to me as we live in California and it is legal here. But there is something about him smoking that gives me anxiety. I don’t know what to do because otherwise he’s exactly what I’ve always wanted and we are the same I’m so many ways and I feel like we just connect. What should I even do?August 5, 2020 at 10:28 am #363903
I am aware that smoking is very unhealthy for the one smoking and for people sharing the air (second hand smoking)- are these your strong concerns, the reason dating a smoker “has always been a deal breaker” for you?
anitaAugust 5, 2020 at 10:37 am #363906
yes, my grandmother was a smoker and I saw the way it made her get less and less healthy. I also am allergic to the smoke. So for me it’s really hard because I’m crazy about him but I would have never let things go this far if I knew.August 5, 2020 at 12:37 pm #363923
I don’t know if you asked him on the first date or before the first date if he smoked, but it would have been a good idea to ask this question before dating anyone, because it is a deal breaker for you.
You’ve been dating him for a couple of months, and now you know: one option is to withdraw and end the very short relationship, another would be to ask him if he is interested in quitting the dangerous habit of smoking- it has happened before, people quitting this habit.
Another option is to continue dating him and set certain rules: he can’t smoke in your presence.
What do you think about these options?
anitaAugust 5, 2020 at 12:48 pm #363924
Thanks you for your replies Anita!
Yeah I didn’t even think to ask about it! Which is silly considering it is something that is very important for me.
I want to sit down with him and ask him some questions about it. And see where he stands on quitting or if it is something he’s already really into. I feel like we are young and this is something that could easily be stopped but I’m not sure he’s willing. I think this whole thing is hard for me because I don’t often find people I click with this way and losing the relationship scares me but this could be something that breaks us.August 5, 2020 at 1:12 pm #363927
Who knows, maybe, just maybe, you can help him quit smoking and in doing so, save his life and the lives of the second hand victims of his smoking. Maybe. All you can do is bring it up to him, as gently as you can. Maybe he will be motivated to quit because of the strong connection he feels with you.
But tame your hopefulness with realism, so to keep yourself grounded. People do quit deadly habits, but many don’t. You will have to keep your values in mind and heart and not give those up because of the strong emotional attachment that you are feeling.
anitaAugust 5, 2020 at 7:24 pm #363955
Anita thanks for all of your advice, I talked with him and got all of the information and I’m feeling a lot better.August 6, 2020 at 5:53 am #363976
You are welcome, Sunflowerbabe. Post again anytime in the future, here or in a new thread, new topic.
anitaAugust 9, 2020 at 5:58 am #364167RIkkiParticipant
Would it be acceptable to you —at least as a first step—for him to just not smoke around you? I don’t think it’s wise to believe you can make someone change something like that. It has to come from him and I don’t think it is an easy thing at all, regardless of your age. I don’t have as big a problem with smoking as you do, but it is a huge turn-off to me, so men I date who smoke know they can’t smoke around me. If we’re outside and they can go a little farther away, fine, but they certainly can’t smoke inside with me, where I will ahve the smell on my clothes, etc. and if we’re going to kiss or anything, they better have gum because it tastes awful! Lol. Anyway, it’s important not to ignore your feelings and to make sure they are known and respected, but you also can’t change someone nor can you expect them to make that big a change JUST because you want them to, especially in the context of such a short relationship thus far.August 30, 2020 at 4:41 pm #365862cParticipant
My ex-husband actually did almost this same thing to me. When I found out I said absolutely no and he quit. Or so I thought, it then became a constant theme in our marriage that i’d catch him smoking over the years and just like the initial time he would always lie about it to me. It was a source of shame for him.
The problem was that the smoking wasn’t the only ‘bad habit’ he had that he his from me. He in general had a hard time showing me anything that he perceived as shameful. So we had a constant state of kind of mistrust…
That’s clearly not the only reason we ended up divorced but in retrospect is was a HUGE burden on our relationship. I think it woudl be hard for me to date someone that hid something like that from me. BUT if I did I would need to go in fully accepting that they might have other similar things they have trouble revealing to me and that the smoking might be part of their package. I don’t know if I now believe my ex could have given up those vices for me, he would of had to completely on his own decided he felt really passionately about his health and about being transparent and accountable about addictions that hurt his body.
On my end I probably wasn’t very accepting overall, I was really young. I wasn’t always the easiest person to be transparent with.