Dear Anita :

I was very snappy, very miserable, I got angry easily and I was possessive. I was isolating myself a lot and my depression and anxiety grew a lot worse.

I braved myself over the weekend and messaged his ex gf to dig out some truth and he is definitely a narcissist and has left a trail of destruction behind him. On that night, I cried, not for him, but for myself, I dont understand how I could invite a person with so much darkness into my life. And now I feel like the past 2 years I wasn’t really in a relationship with a human being, but a character. I don’t hate him, but I feel really sorry for him because he’s such a troubled person. But I know I don’t want to fix him, it’s not my responsibility.

Dear Anita,

I went through the same thing you did, and I realised I’m doing exactly the same thing that my mother did to me. While I should really be nurturing myself right now. I’m not playing the victim or anything, there are definitely things I did in my relationship that I shouldn’t have done or said, and I take full responsibility of that.

Dear Inky,

I wasn’t surprised, he could leave his own son, he wouldn’t have any problem leaving someone else’s kid. That was the moment that I thought you do not deserve us at all.

Dear Heather,

Funny, you aren’t the first person to tell me that, and the more I read into it, the more I’m convinced that he is. There are two different sides to him, the gentle, caring, vulnerable version that he presents to me and my daughter, and there’s an arrogant, judgemental, often mean, and demeaning towards other people. I often find myself questioning which one he really is.  For some reason, he often purposely deepens his voice when he talks to strangers or new people, but he has a different voice tone with us. He likes expensive things with big brands, and thinks anything less is embarrassing. He’s also not very committed to bills, and financial obligations. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a problem with being responsible.

oh and the other funny thing is, for a while I thought there was something wrong with me, that I’m the narcissist.

Dear Peggy,

Wow, it hits me when you said why would I not be affectionate when I was angry- because I was starting to think that it was not a normal reaction. He would say something like “When you’re angry and I say I love you you dont say it back”… Well of course I shut down and retreated into my shell, I was angry. But I was made to question my own behaviour and I thought he was calling me out on things I could improve.

Dear Inky,

I encouraged him so many times after finding out, that he should try to find and get in touch with him again. The thing that turned me off the most was that I have a daughter, she was very, very close to him, and when I asked (over the phone) if he’s going to give her a proper goodbye he said “please stop calling me” and it made me sick that he thinks its OK to just disappear on her lile that but what did I expect? He’s had a history of taking off.

Dear Anita,

Your comment is spot on too. Thats exactly why I felt like I was turning into a monster, I became very possessive and I did not at all like that version of myself. I wondered if I should turn a blind eye and just sucked it up, but I guess my higher self just knew it was a bad idea that’s why I ‘acted up’ by bringing up ‘lets break up’ everytime we fight lately.

I guess he knows where my weak spot is. Its very easy for me to feel guilty, and take the blame, thinking everything is my fault and I guess thats what he did because he said “You haven’t been happy for a long time and I tried and tried to make you happy”… He doesnt seem to understand that we were happy, until he decided to do what he did to someone he said he ‘loves so much’…. Why do we blame ourselves when it’s clearly the other person and not us?