Home→Forums→Relationships→Confused, was it him or was it me?
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July 31, 2019 at 9:02 pm #305989
CatherineParticipantHey everyone. This is going to be abit of a lengthy post but please be open minded and honest as I need the brutal truth.
I recently got out of a relationship that I thought was the best I’ve ever had so far.. If only he didn’t lie so much.
Everything was great at first, I thought this was the person I’d marry and want to have another kids with. But 6 months into our relationship, I discovered the first lie. He was sexting with some random girl from IG, and that girl reported it to me with screenshot, etc and he was hell bent on denying it at first, he even looked into my eyes “Do you really think O can do that to you” this is the first incident that snowballs into a lot of other problems.
A few weeks later I found out he actually has a son from his past relationship, a kid who he never disclosed when we first started going out, he doesnt talk to him anymore because his ex before me asked him to choose between her or the kid and he chose her. I suspected he was a frequent drug user in the past, when I confronted him he denied it. After that incident, I discovered he watched porn, looked up that sort of stuff on Snapchat, and the latest lie was that I found out he had a separate number, which Im not sure for how long he’s had it but it was way before we went on our break.
Here’s the thing, I know I am not a perfect person. According to him, I’ve withhold affection when I’m angry at him, which apparently makes him question my love for him. He said I get sad when he gets sad, and he doesnt feel supported. I’m short tempered, and the last few months of our relationship, I brought up break ups a lot. But I have always been loyal to him and I made sure he was taken care after. I realised that I was depending my happiness on him which wasn’t right.
In the last few months my gut instinct was screaming at me, something was off, our relationship was going downhill, and I felt very distant from him, he no longer tried to put effort into spending time with me eventhough I begged him to, if we still want to fix this relationship. He said its work, but I wasn’t convinced considering the history of his lies, I couldnt shake off that “off” feeling.
Finally we had one big fight, where we went on a break, and this was when I found out he’s had that separate number (its for work, he said) but a month after our break, we had another fight, and this was the final break up, and 2 weeks later he said “leave me alone, I have a girlfriend who i love”
Im shattered, confused, and felt like I was so easily disposed of and replaceable. I cant stop blaming myself and my shortcomings and I cant stop thinking maybe I did push him away with my negative traits, even though before the first incident I was never controlling, I encouraged him to do his own stuff, go out etc. But after that lie, I was slowly becoming worse, filled with anxiety, paranoia, and eventually depression (Ive always had this but somehow this was triggered a lot this time) to the point I no longer recognised myself, I became a version of me that I didn’t like. Mean, angry, controlling, unkind, and miserable. He was so good to me and spoiled me but I kept questioning how could you lie so much to someone you love? And because he was so good to me in other ways, it’s why I blame myself now. Maybe its me, not him?
July 31, 2019 at 9:18 pm #306003CatherineParticipantWhen I asked him to be honest if someone else was in the picture he told me thats silly and i need to “Stop making scenarios in your head”…. Someone pointed me recently he might be a narcissist but I’m not ready to label him that yet as I feel like I was mostly the problem, and he did told me that towards our break, that I pushed him and pushed him until he couldn’t take it anymore eventhough then I found out about the separate number lie and he’s that quickly to move on to another woman.
August 1, 2019 at 1:15 am #306007
PeggyParticipantHi Catherine,
Your ex-boyfriend is a player and he’s been playing you.
“He was so good to you and he spoiled you.” How exactly? He had you hooked. “If only he didn’t lie so much the relationship would have been great.” He did lie and the relationship wasn’t great.
Every step of the way your ex boyfriend has been laying the blame on you. “You are not affectionate when you are angry at him.” Of course you are not. Why would you be?
He’s replaced you with yet another woman that he loves – another woman that he is going to lie to and cheat on. He is not going to change his behavior just because he’s with someone new. She’ll go through exactly what you have been through. He made you feel like you were paranoid with all those scenarios in your head, when all the time you were right to be suspicious of him. Your “gut instincts” were right.
Regardless of your own problems, you are well out of this relationship.
I hope that you can put your mind at rest and not blame yourself for things that are clearly not your fault.
Best Wishes
Peggy
August 1, 2019 at 4:49 am #306017
InkyParticipantHi Catherine,
Your ex-boyfriend is a failure at life. When you have a child you don’t see/disclose/choose you have failed in life.
The rest of your complaints are commentary and are not the issue.
If this guy can’t be a father on a basic human level, he doesn’t deserve you.
He doesn’t deserve anyone.
Best,
Inky
August 1, 2019 at 6:44 am #306023
AnonymousGuestDear Catherine:
“According to him, I’ve withhold affection when I am angry at him”- but everyone withholds affection when angry. Anger motivates all animals to fight, not to love.
“He said I get sad when he gets sad, and he doesn’t feel supported”- feeling sad when he feels sad is empathy, isn’t it? If he expected you to not be affected by his sadness, then he expected you to not have empathy for him.
“In the last few months.. I felt very distant from him.. I couldn’t shake off that ‘off’ feeling”- that off feeling was a consequence of his behavior and lies, beginning with sexting another woman, looking into your eyes and saying “Do you really think I can do that to you?”.
“I can’t stop blaming myself and my shortcomings and I can’t stop thinking maybe I did push him away with my negative traits… after that lie, I was slowly becoming worse, filled with anxiety, paranoia, and eventually depression (I’ve always had this but somehow this was triggered a lot.. I became .. Mean, angry, controlling, unkind, and miserable. He was so good to me and spoiled me.. he was so good to me in other ways. It’s why I blame myself now. Maybe it’s me, not him?”
– Who he is: he has a son. An ex girlfriend, not the mother of his son, told him to choose between her and his son and he chose that ex girlfriend. He is not in contact with his son although no longer in a relationship with that girlfriend. Now, who chooses a girlfriend over a son whom he brought into the world, and is it a surprise that a man who would do that will also replace a girlfriend quickly?
It will help if you have clarity on the issue of cause and consequence. When he sexted another woman and lied to you about it, you got angry and naturally, were not affectionate toward him. Him sexting and lying is the cause. You getting angry and no longer being affectionate is the consequence.
Let’s imagine what it would take from you to keep him in a relationship with you and enjoy the ways he was so good to you: it would take you not questioning him, managing to not express any anger you feel toward him, knowing that he most likely is cheating on you but never brining it up. Could you live like that?
anita
August 1, 2019 at 9:18 am #306069CatherineParticipantDear Peggy,
Wow, it hits me when you said why would I not be affectionate when I was angry- because I was starting to think that it was not a normal reaction. He would say something like “When you’re angry and I say I love you you dont say it back”… Well of course I shut down and retreated into my shell, I was angry. But I was made to question my own behaviour and I thought he was calling me out on things I could improve.
Dear Inky,
I encouraged him so many times after finding out, that he should try to find and get in touch with him again. The thing that turned me off the most was that I have a daughter, she was very, very close to him, and when I asked (over the phone) if he’s going to give her a proper goodbye he said “please stop calling me” and it made me sick that he thinks its OK to just disappear on her lile that but what did I expect? He’s had a history of taking off.
Dear Anita,
Your comment is spot on too. Thats exactly why I felt like I was turning into a monster, I became very possessive and I did not at all like that version of myself. I wondered if I should turn a blind eye and just sucked it up, but I guess my higher self just knew it was a bad idea that’s why I ‘acted up’ by bringing up ‘lets break up’ everytime we fight lately.
I guess he knows where my weak spot is. Its very easy for me to feel guilty, and take the blame, thinking everything is my fault and I guess thats what he did because he said “You haven’t been happy for a long time and I tried and tried to make you happy”… He doesnt seem to understand that we were happy, until he decided to do what he did to someone he said he ‘loves so much’…. Why do we blame ourselves when it’s clearly the other person and not us?
August 1, 2019 at 9:19 am #306071CatherineParticipantI find it really hard to process this relationship, everything that went on and how and why it ended. I feel like I can no longer trust my mind, and I had lost myself. My mental was getting played around like a puppet.
August 1, 2019 at 9:37 am #306075
ValoraParticipantI find it really hard to process this relationship, everything that went on and how and why it ended. I feel like I can no longer trust my mind, and I had lost myself. My mental was getting played around like a puppet.
It sounds to me like you were just ignoring some pretty blatant red flags that should be, in the future, seen as complete dealbreakers.
6 months into our relationship, I discovered the first lie. He was sexting with some random girl from IG, and that girl reported it to me with screenshot, etc
This guy was sexting another girl, which this girl proved with a screenshot, and then lied to you about it. That is a dealbreaker. Dump any guy that does this and do NOT look back.
A few weeks later I found out he actually has a son from his past relationship, a kid who he never disclosed when we first started going out, he doesnt talk to him anymore because his ex before me asked him to choose between her or the kid and he chose her.
First this guy doesn’t tell you he has a child after 6 MONTHS of dating, and then you find out that he chose a woman over his own child. This is a huge, HUGE character flaw. It screams “lack of integrity” and “lack of responsibility.” Again, not great characteristics to have in a significant other.
He’s lied to you over and over and your gut instinct was screaming at you that something was off, because it was. All of the things he told you make no difference because he was only saying those things to take the blame off of him and put it squarely on you because he very, very clearly does not take responsibility for anything. It may have FELT like a good relationship because you are ready for a good relationship and you were hoping that was it, so you ignored some very clear signs of dysfunction. Next time, just pay attention to those signs.
There is nothing wrong with you beyond the fact that you chose to ignore those red flags and allowed him to place blame on you instead of dumping him right then and there. Next time, just dump the jerk and keep dumping the jerks until you finally find yourself a good one with no dealbreaking red flags.
August 1, 2019 at 9:42 am #306077AnonymousGuestDear Catherine:
“Why do we blame ourselves when it’s clearly the other person and not us?”-
My answer: when I was a child and my mother told me that I was a Nothing, a “big zero”, I figured that I was. I blamed myself: why am I a Nothing, why am I a big zero, shame on me!
I didn’t blame her.
Children blame themselves, not their parents.
Fast forward, as an adult I kept blaming myself. Some of my behaviors were not right and I was responsible for them. But I blamed myself for everything, and very often, not knowing what it was that I was guilty of and what I wasn’t guilty of. I felt guilty for everything, so I wasn’t able to discern and correct the behaviors I was guilty of and stay away from people who were abusive.
Fast forward more: had my first quality psychotherapy and learned to tell the difference: oh.. this behavior is not right, it harms others, I shouldn’t do that… and this behavior, that other person shouldn’t do that and I need to stay away from that person.
anita
August 1, 2019 at 10:55 pm #306181PeggyParticipantHi Catherine,
His words “you haven’t been happy for a long time and I’ve tried and tried to make you happy”. Your words “he didn’t understand that we were happy until he did what he did”.
You may have felt happy, Catherine, but if he was happy in himself, he wouldn’t have been sexting another woman. You need to think this through a bit more carefully. Also, no-one else can make you happy. Basically, this has to come from the inside.
Women are generally very good at blaming themselves when things go wrong – I’m sure there are all sorts of different reasons why. The good news is that you are aware of this guilt/blame trip that you have been on and that means that you can begin to make changes.
Are you to blame for his lies – NO. Are you to blame for his infidelity – NO. Are you to blame for him not saying goodbye to your daughter – NO. Are you to blame for him walking out on his own son – NO. Are you to blame for his sadness – NO. Are you to blame for his need to flit from one woman to another – NO.
Your daughter was very close to him and now your ex has hurt/rejected her through his behavior. As a mother, you are naturally protective towards your daughter which is why this is the one action that has put you off him more than all his other appalling behavior.
I hope you can come to terms with what has happened, draw strength from all the support you have received through your post, and move on to someone far more worthy of your love.
Peggy
August 2, 2019 at 5:13 am #306187InkyParticipantHi Again,
And he won’t even say goodbye to your daughter!! Coward! Deal breaker #47!! And you still think it’s “you”??
Inky
August 2, 2019 at 9:31 am #306215
HeatherParticipantYour boyfriend sounds like a narcissist. I am convinced of this based on one sentence you said: “And because he was so good to me in other ways, it’s why I blame myself now. Maybe its me, not him?”
Darling girl. Narcissists will seek out empathetic individuals and twist the truth to make everything that is wrong in the relationship the other person’s fault–in addition to that, they make us doubt ourselves and think it is in our heads.
It’s not in your head. He is not for you. I married a narcissist–it almost destroyed me. I loved him and I do think he loved me–for a while anyway–but what they put you through is not worth it.
Move on. You are worth more. You deserve more.
Heatherjewel
August 2, 2019 at 10:06 am #306237CatherineParticipantDear Anita,
I went through the same thing you did, and I realised I’m doing exactly the same thing that my mother did to me. While I should really be nurturing myself right now. I’m not playing the victim or anything, there are definitely things I did in my relationship that I shouldn’t have done or said, and I take full responsibility of that.
Dear Inky,
I wasn’t surprised, he could leave his own son, he wouldn’t have any problem leaving someone else’s kid. That was the moment that I thought you do not deserve us at all.
Dear Heather,
Funny, you aren’t the first person to tell me that, and the more I read into it, the more I’m convinced that he is. There are two different sides to him, the gentle, caring, vulnerable version that he presents to me and my daughter, and there’s an arrogant, judgemental, often mean, and demeaning towards other people. I often find myself questioning which one he really is. For some reason, he often purposely deepens his voice when he talks to strangers or new people, but he has a different voice tone with us. He likes expensive things with big brands, and thinks anything less is embarrassing. He’s also not very committed to bills, and financial obligations. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a problem with being responsible.
oh and the other funny thing is, for a while I thought there was something wrong with me, that I’m the narcissist.
August 2, 2019 at 10:10 am #306243CatherineParticipantHey Valora,
when we first got together I thought it was the best relationship I’ve ever had, and when that first incident happened, it caught me completely off guard, and I couldn’t understand how someone who claimed and acted like he loved me so much, could do that, it’s not like we had any problem in our relationship, we just got back from my birthday holiday! And after that I think I held onto it so much, because I wanted to have what we had initially. Then I realised, I tried to please him so he wouldn’t do that again, and eventually it turned me into a possessive monster and I disliked the sort of person I turned into. I was very paranoid, probably came off as psycho.
August 2, 2019 at 11:39 am #306283AnonymousGuestDear Catherine:
I want to understand better, therefore I ask:
“probably came off as psycho”- can you explain what you mean by you coming off like a psycho; what did you actually say and do that fit the talk and behavior of a psycho?
anita
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