Dear Sarah,

I registered with Tiny Buddha just so I could reply to your post, which is immensely moving. You did a good thing by reaching out the way you did. I think your pain is too much for you to bear (basically) alone.

You need much more support, I think. I don’t know where you live, but if such a thing is available to you, please consider a grief support group. It can be hard just to make yourself go, but I think you need to place yourself where you can talk and talk for a while. Some will say it’s better to redirect your mind, but my own feeling is that it would be premature. You are feeling fully right now, and I think you need to do exactly that, only with more support.

Also, there are people who experience the loss of an animal more acutely than the loss of any human. For most of my life, I didn’t know that. I also think grief can depend on the particular individual we’ve lost, no matter the species. There are a great many variables that play into grief.

Loving an animal is such a courageous thing to do. One way or another, love always ends in loss. When a person’s love involves an animal, that loss tends to come sooner than when our love involves human beings. It probably comes as a surprise more often too. I don’t know that for sure though.

Back in the 90s I lost a cat who had literally changed my life. She was as much a revelation in death as she was in life. Like Molly, she was not even nine when she left. I couldn’t deal with it at all. At first I couldn’t make myself go to support groups. It was as if no one could possibly understand what the loss actually was because no one knew her. No one understood what the whole world had just lost. I hated that she had been this magnificent being, and the world was completely oblivious. A few years later I took a health class and wrote my final paper on the subject of grief surrounding the loss of a beloved animal. My professor agreed with my thinking that the matter was overlooked societally and culturally, and she agreed with my sense of the enormous significance. This is still true, though things seem to be getting a bit better.

Like the others who’ve replied, I also believe you did the right thing. There’s really no winning here, Sarah. Self-questioning is a normal part of grieving, but it feels terrible. It’s one reason you need support. I am so moved, and so deeply touched by the power of your love. For all of her life, Molly was incredibly fortunate that you were there for her.

Cathleen