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  • February 21, 2018 at 4:23 pm #193799
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    Mathilde-

    I promise you WILL stop thinking about him eventually.  Sometimes we are more in love with the idea of someone than the actual person.  I see a few different issues

    1.  You went ALL in before he did.  You fully committed to someone who wasn’t committed to you. I know because I’ve done it myself and not only have I done it…I did it for  2 1/2 years.

    2.  Only liking 2-3 people by age 22 is not a problem. Some of us attach differently than others.  One year I went on FORTY (yes 40) dates and didn’t like ONE guy.  You aren’t alone.

    3. Attraction for men and women is different and sometimes guys change their minds for reasons unbeknownst to us. Sometimes they are just immature and sometimes they realize you aren’t “The One” for whatever dumb or valid reason and they end it.  Women usually become more attracted over time, but men are the opposite.  So…remember it isn’t about you.

    4. I’m not exactly sure what exactly you are missing so much other than the IDEA that perhaps you had met someone you thought could be a potential partner and you’re mourning what you wanted him to be and not what he is.  I know because I’ve done that too.  Sometimes we connect with someone for whatever reason and we think they are a good match but over time things fall apart.

    5.  You may in fact have an Anxious Attachment which is why you feel so strongly about missing him.  I am also anxious and felt totally obsessed with the 2 1/2 year avoidant guy I dated so i get it.

    My meditation teacher taught me this:  Whenever you think of him or the relationship instead ask yourself

    WHO AM I?

    WHAT DO I WANT?

    WHAT DO I NEED?

    Take the focus off of him and put it back on yourself.  It will get better in time. I promise.  I’ve been through it many times myself.

    August 8, 2016 at 5:03 pm #111933
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    Hello Struggling. I have a lot of the same issues with my mother…although she doesn’t pull the “pity me” card.

    She is a kind person, but is fundamentally selfish. For my own sanity I have had to distance myself both physically and emotionally. Recently I started doing EFT so I could get rid of some of the negative emotional blocks I have regarding my issues with her and I’m finding more peace.

    I would suggest the following: 1. You can’t give what you don’t have so pretending won’t help. 2. Find a way to set some boundaries so you can give ONLY that which you are capable of giving; 3. It sounds like you all sort of enable her behavior so maybe think about whether this is really serving her or if you have all fallen into this trap; 4. How she treats your father is not your issue, your problem or your responsibility as he is a grown man.

    Overall, just accept she is NOT the mother you want her to be. She will NEVER be the mother you want her to be. Do the best you can with what you have and what you can give.

    I limit my time and my conversations with my mother. I am not at a point where I can trust her to really be there emotionally. But, she does the best she can and I have to accept that this is all she is capable of. It sucks. But, its life and if you keep trying to be somewhere you aren’t you’ll just keep being pissed at yourself. Forgive. Forgive her and forgive yourself. BUT….that doesn’t mean give her anything and everything that makes her feel comfortable. Figure out what you need to keep the relationship at a place where you can handle it. Trust me…I get it. I don’t want to feel the way I do toward my mother, but it is what it is and healing takes a long, long time and sometimes never comes. Good luck 🙂

    July 12, 2016 at 6:30 am #109467
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    Marey-
    I am SO right there! I wake up every day counting the dollars going into my bank account until I can quit. I have been living a life I THOUGHT I was supposed to lead and spent all my time making sure everyone else was comfortable, happy and fulfilled. No more.

    Mr. Ritz
    It sounds like you are in a bit of a depression which is likely clouding your thinking and leading you down a path of negativity. Disability is not the answer. Staying at a job where you are not happy is not the answer. Your time does become more valuable the older you get.

    There are so many issues going on for you maybe start with baby steps. Try to find some peace within and stop with the negative thinking (guided meditation is really great). Next, start reading and exploring what WILL make you happy….don’t just jump to something because you think it MAY be the right thing. The Passion Test is a great book. The job that will make you happy will be something that comes from your soul. Its in there….you just have to find it. You can do it!

    July 12, 2016 at 6:18 am #109466
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    Hello
    Am I wrong for wanting some sort of Karma to come back and kick him in the butt- Yes.

    Should I try to remain friends for the relationship he has with my kids? YES and No. You do NOT need to be friends with this man, but you need to do your best to maintain a cordial relationship.

    I would ask you one thing: What is it you believe about yourself that makes his treatment of you and his behavior towards you acceptable? The issue is NOT about him and what he does or doesn’t do. People come into our lives to teach us a lesson. What is it you have learned about yourself by being with this man? Based on your post I would be lead to believe you do not respect yourself, value yourself of love yourself.

    I think you know what you need to do, but maybe you aren’t ready to do it? Look, I get it…I have been there before. In all of my relationships I did 90% and they did 10%, but that’s on ME. I chose them. I allowed it.

    Take some time and space and yes…focus on yourself. But, to change you have to be ready and really want it and believe you deserve better. Until then you will keep trying to go back to him. I wish you all the best. I know how awful it is to be in your situation. Check out my blog …which was written for issues like this. http://www.acinglife.com
    Carrie

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