Hi Vincente,

I am almost a year and a half out of a 6 yr relationship and I can see a lot of similarities between the way I felt a year after my breakup and the way you’re feeling now.

Its easy once you’re out of the relationship to forget what things were really like at the time. You say the two of you tried for 8 years – it shouldn’t be like that in a relationship – it shouldn’t be constantly trying to make it work. Yes – both people need to constantly work at a relationship – but not try. There’s a difference. (I too – tried the whole 6 yrs of mine). Our brains and minds are designed to forget bad things – be it how a person really treated us/things that happened to us (anytime in our life)/ right up to trauma – it’s the bodies survival mechanism.

I think you’re being quite hard on yourself also – it’s only been a year since the break up. Psychologists believe its a good 2 years after a breakup when most people really feel “over it”. And since I’ve done 6 months longer than you in the way of break up time – I can tell you what a difference I have felt between the 1yr to 1.5yr mark. And I was like you – I saw no hope in me ever healing.   BUT – I will say this – if you guys are still in contact – that is making things really hard for you. It’s almost like you’re starting your break up from scratch each time you guys meet and become close and speak fondly of each other.

My only harsh words to you would be if you’re serious about wanting to heal and get over her – you need to cut her away. And that will be most terrifying for you – I GET THIS!! Your other option is to continue doing the dance you’re both doing until one of you meet someone else – and I think it will be her. You’ve said yourself she feels rejected by you – she will be validated in that when another guy comes along and I believe she’ll drop contact with you pretty quick – and you’ll be left to start the grieving process all over again. And don’t feel there’s something wrong because you can’t handle being rejected by her – of course she’s the one that does that to you – she was your girl for 8yrs! But she’s not anymore. And that might rip your heart out.

I think if you sat down and thought about and really concentrated on how you felt with her  in your years together – the raw stuff I mean – not the “it was nice to come home to her/nice to sit and watch tv with her/nice to have her to cuddle in bed” stuff – I’m talking the fights you would have – the SAME fights – her jealously and what that did to you – her insecurities – the pushing you back and not supporting you – THAT is what you have to remember about her and the relationship – and if you went back into a relationship with her – ALL of that would be right there too – I PROMISE YOU!

You sound like a really amazing guy – and she sounds amazing herself – but maybe she is just not the person you were meant to end up with? And that’s actually an exciting thing – it means theres a girl out there that would be perfect for you. One where you don’t have to try and make it work – it just works. A girl that supports and drives you. One that is so secure in herself there’s no jealously or insecurity in your relationship? What if that’s out there – and you’re missing it by holding on to your ex?

I’ll finish up now – cos I’ve really added my 2 cents to this – but my advice: End it. For good. Wish her all the best and say goodbye. No more catch ups, no more being intimate, no more reigniting the teeny tiny flame that may or may not be still there. And then give yourself more time to heal. Even if it takes another year. You will get there – I promise promise promise!!!

You’re a smart guy – you know you’re looking in the wrong place for happiness. You’re switched on and you know what’s really going on. Give yourself a chance to heal from this. You didn’t make a mistake in breaking up with her – you did what needed to be done. Don’t forget why you did it. Annnnnnd if you’re meant to be with this girl – it’ll happen – she’ll come back into your life when its meant to happen and she won’t be rejecting you. It’ll be easy and will just work.

C xx

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Charlena. Reason: fixed italiac sections