Hello Daniella,

Your story reflects mine in many ways. I too have always been a plus size woman and felt the toll of societal pressure to conform to the unattainable standard of beauty that the media makes people believe is the norm. My insecurities surrounding my body have led to many relationships with men where I was not treated with respect. I was recently in an abusive relationship as well, and have been doing a lot of soul searching lately, so I felt like I could give you some insight into what has helped me heal and regain control. Sorry it’s such a long response, but I really think what I have to say will help you.

First of all, if you have not heard of Tumblr, I highly recommend signing up for the site and following a bunch of body positivity/ fat positive blogs. You can start by following me at http://www.tumblr.com/blog/abigleggedwomanaintgotnosoul It really does wonders for your self esteem. After a life time of dieting (I’m only 23, but I’ve been aware of my larger size since age 7, so that’s plenty long), I have come to learn that the number on a scale means nothing. It is important to eat well and get exercise, absolutely. But what you look like is not a reflection of your health. Only you know what you put into your own body. Fat is not a bad word, despite what the media will have us believe. Fat is simply fat. And guess what, fat stores estrogen, so it’s more womanly to have fat! Historically, women were much larger. Ever noticed how large women are in old Greek paintings? Obsessions with body image and thinness are a new trend and a damaging one. People come in all shapes and sizes and looks and they are all worthwhile, thin, muscular, fat, flabby, boney, whatever. You wondered in your post if no one else will ever accept you at your weight and I am here to tell you I am absolutely certain that there will be many who accept you and who want to have a relationship with you. But you first have to accept yourself and want to have a relationship with yourself. Your weight does not define you. I am 270 pounds and I have been with many men and had many men express interest in me. You are beautiful and you have value and you are worthwhile. It sounds weird, but try and say that to yourself out loud every day.

Second, you said that you eat out of comfort and that you want to be the best you can for yourself but don’t have the energy. This is going to go against everything you’ve heard but, you should know that there is no shame in eating out of comfort. That is the whole point of food. Food has historically and culturally been a means for people and communities to connect with one another. Food rewards your body with nutrients and vitamins it needs to stay alive. Food is all about comfort! I recommend surfing the internet, looking up healthy eating habits and learning about food. But keep in mind something very important: part of having healthy eating habits is allowing yourself to eat “naughty” foods like sweets or something without feeling guilty about it. Go ahead, make yourself some chocolate chip cookies and eat them and don’t tell yourself you are doing anything wrong, because you aren’t. There is nothing wrong with eating. Strive to buy and eat more vegetables and whole, natural foods, but don’t feel bad if you just want to have some potato chips every once in a while. It’s about balance. Another important point to make is that diets don’t work. Ever found yourself on and off trying to diet to lose weight, and it didn’t stick? That’s because you were depriving yourself. And because weight loss diets are about shame. You can never be healthy and treat your body right if you are doing it out of shame. You need to love your body exactly as it is RIGHT NOW and then, and only then, will you start to understand what it truly means to take care of your body. You do not have flaws. Anything you consider a flaw is really a strength waiting to break free. For example, I have always been ashamed of my legs, they are huge and my mother made me feel embarrassed about them growing up. But now, I own them. They are unique and strong and sexy and no one gets to tell me otherwise. I don’t try to hide my size anymore, I am my size and anyone who has a problem with that is just insecure about themself. Look at yourself naked in front of a mirror, bear yourself to your own eyes and force yourself to take in who you truly are. If its hard, that’s fine, if you feel upset by how you look, that’s fine. Allow yourself to feel those feelings at first, because if you try to repress your negative feelings, you can never let them go. But once you’ve allowed all your negative self thoughts to wash over you and allowed yourself to feel pain, cried a bit, then you can start to make some changes. Start holding your head up high, start hugging people, start telling people they are beautiful and that you love them for who they are. And start saying that to yourself.

Last, talk about your experiences, share your pain. Our voices are our most powerful tool and are the pathway by which we can heal. Talk to everyone who will listen. It may be difficult and awkward and maybe you won’t be able to articulate your feelings perfectly at first, but it will get easier. Understand that in order to heal and in order to regain control of yourself, you have to embrace the healing process, which is not easy. But if you appreciate the beauty in that, and appreciate your own strength, slowly, you will begin to feel more comfortable with who you are. And you ARE strong, you are still here, do not undermine your own strength!

You mentioned that you feel like you ruined your own happiness. I can understand that feeling and the pain that that brings. But try and look at it another way. Look at your past as a learning experience. Everyone goes through difficult things and has regrets and EVERYONE makes mistakes. There is no shame in making mistakes. All you have to do is realize that your mistakes are an opportunity to grow and reflect upon yourself.

I am way more confident than I used to be, and have learned to practice self love and not to think negatively about myself. But I have been through many difficult things in my short life, and it’s not always easy. I have my rough days. But that’s okay. Some days will be harder than others. Some days you just need to cry. Know that this is okay. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a happy person, you’ve been through so much! But now is the time to realize that you have the power to move forward. Know that the process of regaining control and finding happiness is going to take TIME, and requires patience. You will get there in time.

All my love. Remember, love yourself.