I would actually really appreciate input on this situation 🙂

Hey ladies and gents ! 🙂 I have since relapsed with no contact and am beginning to feel very stuck again.
My ex decided to go ahead and promise me the loyalty that I requested without us being in an exclusive relationship. Although it is something that I want , I have to question whether this is something that he wants and also whether taking this road is the correct one as far as my life goals. He seemed to be very receptive to getting back together and offered to take me out on a date. He keeps telling me that he can’t go very long without speaking to me and wants me in his life forever. I am not sure about what I want mostly because my gut is telling me that something is off. Yesterday I ended up catching him in a lie involving a girl and the discovery is making me feel like I am back at square one emotionally. I have heard several times that the universe/god allows a problem to keep re-entering your life in order for you to learn how to fix it and I believe that this might be happening here. I texted him yesterday after my discovery “How are we supposed to get anywhere if you keep on lying to me?”. He kept calling and texting but I was too angry to respond. I feel that I shouldn’t respond all together, cut him loose, and continue on no contact but my guilt of it seeming like I am ghosting him is preventing me from doing so. I remember all the really horrible aspects of our relationship and how he had no real consideration for my feelings which is why I feel that I should just cut him off. I am not really sure what to do but I need to do something and make a change in my life. This hurts.

Update:
He ended up responding to my message in a nut shell telling me that he doesn’t want to upset me but that he doesn’t want a relationship because he needs to focus on his life. And that he loves me and blah blah blah

My response: Yea, I don’t want to do this with you anymore , so bye.

His response: Alright, sorry for wasting your time then. I still love you , call me if you need anything I am here and will always be.

My response: Read what I am saying to you very carefully: Keep your supposed “love” for me to yourself” I have no interest in your distorted idea of how someone loves another person. Don’t count on me calling you for anything that I might need. You wont be hearing from me or seeing me ever again. Oh ,and hope you enjoyed the sex asshole , Now fuck off. Oh , and I almost forgot ! Don’t even bother responding because I will be blocking and deleting your number from my phone.

I know my response may have seemed cruel but I am so done with feeling used ! I all of sudden developed this instant coldness in my heart for him like something I have never felt before. I am no longer scared to see how he might view me I just wanted my voice heard for once. I doubt he really got the severity of what I was saying and the fucked up part is that I can almost bet that he will try to reach out or contact me again at some point in the near future ! This isn’t love and if it is then I don’t want anything to do with it. I am pretty sure he is shocked about the way I responded since I have never been that forward before . I saw a psychic over a year ago and she told me that the moment I dismiss him and stop falling for his ways that he would begin to suffer for what he has done to me. She told me to guarantee his return sometime in august .She told me that he will always be back and that overtime he would cry to me and try really hard to win back my affections. I think that this may be the start to that.

Thank you so much for your response ! I swear I haven’t gotten this much support anywhere and it feels good ! I agree with everything that you are saying. This morning I found myself at the beach torn once again because the situation just did not feel right. I ended up deciding that I am no one’s back burner. What I know very well are his patterns of behavior and this situation is where we were a year ago while he was cheating. He is always attempting to keep me around while he goes off and has his fun because I do believe that ultimately he feels like I am the long term plan for his life. I understand being young and having your fun but what makes me the most upset is the inability to see that this time in our lives is only temporary so why not make the correct decisions ? I am also really young however I understand the importance of people and relationships and wont waste meaningful connections on temporary flings. I think it is a lesson that he needs to learn because he doesn’t exactly believe or understand that there will not be anyone that will be there for him like I was and maybe that something he needs to figure out on his own. I thought really hard about what I was going to do because honestly for a bit I thought I would just go back and try once more. I thought about what he was really asking me to do and also a lot of the points you were making as far as this being a decision that we are both making. I understand that the relationship isn’t about power but I really took to heart that while I am feeling helpless I really have so much power in the situation. In a really fucked up cruel way that no one can understand I do feel as if he loves me and I feel like I need to use that and this situation to my advantage. I think the power dynamics in our relationship are partly my fault because I was so afraid to lose him that I let go a lot of what I believed in thus not enforcing boundaries. It isn’t an excuse it is a lesson I have learned and will apply here and in other relationships. In a crazy way I believe that the universe is recreating this situation in order for me to do the right thing for myself! This is exactly how it manifested the last time and he would ask me to wait a couple of weeks for him to “fix” things. I ended up texting him this ” After giving it some thought I understand everything you were saying yesterday and I completely agree ! No need to have a follow up convo about this matter, I see what you were trying to get through to me.” I wanted it to be really friendly however little does he know , is that I am again starting no contact in attempts to move on. I don’t want to lie and say that I don’t have hopes of us being together in the future. I see a lot of potential in him if he was willing to just change these ways of his. I do feel like it takes losing someone to realize what they were worth but how could he even begin to do that when I never allow him the space to feel like I am gone forever? I think it is his time to suffer now. (Not trying to be vindictive just being real)

Thank you both so much for your responses, I have been re-reading them in times where I feel like I need the support.

Aislynn,
I am so sorry that you have had to endure such a horrible relationship however it is really good to know that someone out there is going through some of the same things I am. I really believe the feelings of guilt stem from the person that I am and the values that were instilled in me growing up. I agree with you, eventually the drug abuse and people abuse will catch up to them at some point in their lives and I believe it will be at that moment that they wish us back the most. I am still really working through all the emotions of being apart from someone I loved for so long but I am confident that with time I will be able to really separate myself from him and the relationship. I hope you are doing well , and I hope that you continue to stay strong during this really difficult time. I think about the relationship very deeply and I have decided that I really owe him no explanation, no contact , and no friendship. Even friendship would be a privilege that he would eventually exploit, a privilege that he doesn’t deserve.

I am going to really try to stay strong. What worries me is that I do believe he will continue to try to get into contact with me and I believe his efforts will become more frequent and more aggressive as I continue to ignore him. Anyways. Thanks again for the response !