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September 2, 2024 at 8:48 pm #436985
Chau
Participantthanks Anita
have a good night
September 2, 2024 at 8:06 pm #436983Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
Thanks for asking. All is well.
It has been slightly more than a month, from the actual break up. But I feel (and objectively think) I am recovering very quickly. There used to be this emotion tsunami , but now they became ripples only. I could identify it in my chest when it came, and as it builds up to a certain point, I sit with it and often times my tears would come out, and I would become better. After repetitive trials, I am quite used to the pattern and I can just let it be.
I do still, from time to time, see if she has updated on IG, that is basically the only connection we have now. I can recall the number of followers(I just do haha, I am very sensitive to numbers and I do still check her IG time to time) that she has and how many she follows , and I realized the number of both went down recently. I was thinking ” hmmm may be someone in her life is unfollowing her due to xxxxx, would it be someone she saw when we were on a break/ dating etc etc ‘ . It’s silly to stalk and think like that, and I know I am still lingering a bit, but it is kind of a habit to check on how she is, I see myself doing it less and less, but it still happens.
There was one night, when I was a bit sleepless, and i was thinking how inconsiderate she was. I had the feeling that I wanted to yell at her, but didn’t do so obviously. I just felt unfair, the way she treated me. The anger is still inside, and I would need to settle it on my own and I don’t expect her to do anything or would understand, coz if she does, she would already have done something.
I am now practicing a bit more yoga now, after the break up, I have set a goal to do handstand within the year which i had thought about it for a while. There is this yoga teacher whom I quite like, her energy is light and she is fun to be with. I reserved some private lessons with her and after yesterday’s lesson, I realized I could have some fun time, with someone else, completely unaffected by the though of my ex. I can’t help but think with the right scenario, in the right context, I could start to like this teacher, or someone else for that matter.
the other thought that came immediately, was the thing you mentioned: adding logic to the heart. Even If I like this person, do I know this person well enough? is this mutual? what shows that this is mutual and how is this person compatible/ not compatible with me? I probably wouldn’t look via this lens before, but now, I think I am starting to have this lens now, which I think is an improvement as this balances my sentiments, which i had a lot when I began to like a person
Now I realized, it really takes a lot of time, to really start a relationship. I was too rush before , that made me unable to see clearly.
I am still actively thinking to adopt an animal, this, unlike the thought of my ex, is getting stronger rather than weaker. I like dogs but I know the commitment is higher, cats are easier. Anyhow, I will go check the dog/ cat shelter this weekend. Needs to consider so many as this can be a decade long commitment(and we certainly won’t break up so this may be the longest relationship I have, so far. Careful and deliberate considerations are needed!) I am unsure which animal will connect with me, but as my friend said: You would know you are ready when you do.
Have a good evening Anita, welcome to let me know how you have been
Clara
August 27, 2024 at 5:11 pm #436679Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
good evening on your end.
I think that kept me going, when we were still dating. the analogy of teacher student is accurate. she is not my student, but my partner and the relationship should be more balanced
i am not thinking to pursue her back or continue the relationship when she hasnt grown or changed. I am more thinking how did i not see this, and how should i see it clearer next time
may be open my eyes wider, and my ears as well next time. instead of being swept away by the emotions of falling in love
thanks, have a good night
August 27, 2024 at 7:13 am #436652Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
It’s been another few days. After this is clearer, I think I am another step to not be too affected by her(her being in my mind, not really having any interaction anyways)
I think this is one of the comments that I received often, from my friend. That she thinks too shallow(may be too compartmentalize/ emotional unaware if we use more psychologicacl terms), while they all know how much of a deep thinker I am. But the funny thing is, I think I knew this, and my mind says ‘if you are committed to someone, then you should not give up on that person because of her “flaw” ‘ I do feel sometime I am not completely accepting, if I were to work on myself, then I should be more empathetic. But I did have some negative reaction when she had moments where she seemed to be completely ignorant of what she was doing, or the effect of her actions.
I think that’s the reason why i didn’t set up an appropriate/ healthy boundary? In my mind, I think I should work with her to see how we can improve, rather than, just walk away. The fine line between being perservance and being stubborn, is hard to manage in a relationship for me. When should a relationship really stops?
She is indeed good at her job, and some superficial interaction . She does have feelings and she does care for others, and I can sense it throughout our relationship, It felt like she couldn’t help it, and a lot of time she really didn’t know what she has done. That made me feeling quite unsure what to do, on one hand, I think sometime objectively, she should be more emotional mature(given she is 40, but honestly there are a lot 40’s who are still not knowing what they are doing in their lives, so I can’t say that i guess…), on the other hand, I think she really doesn’t have the skills or capability yet so I should be more empathetic.
I think being with this person has given me a lot of lessons to learn, given that we are quite different. I think we must have cared for each a lot at some points, that allowed us to sustain 5.5 years of relationship
good morning on your side
Clara
August 22, 2024 at 8:53 pm #436521Chau
ParticipantDear Anita
This is sad. I know we are all unconsciously affected by our pattern, but I didn’t even this is so consistent in her case. Can’t help but thinking ‘what if I knew about this earlier’.
She wasn’t honest when she said she cared, probably she thought she ‘should’ care, but actually she doesn’t. She tried to convince herself to do so(just like how she brainwashed herself she wanted long term relationship). Or she cares, but she did not allow herself to do so. I am ruminating on something that has no answer, I hope she sees a therapist to find out…for her own good.
I think I have been improving and now I think in a more calm sense, I was not THAT bad in terms of insecurity. I had my anxious moments, but most of the time, especially towards the end of my relationship, I was secure etc. But may be for her, ‘not THAT bad’ was already very bad, and I consistently challenge her to face emotions, because I had emotions.
The more I think about it, the more this break up makes sense, to both of us I think
Thanks Anita, have a goodnite
August 21, 2024 at 5:26 pm #436466Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
What you said was very accurate. She could not tolerate and process difficult emotions and naviagte solutions while in them. She just wants to escape from it and refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem.
that is why i get frustrated when i realized all she thought was where she should break up and how she felt, i did not see her finding ways to solve the problem at all, it makes sense also since she lost interest in me. but on the other hand hearing her say she cares sounds very ambivalent, and i think i constantly and thinking “what?” in my head.
i think her pattern is shown through her work( burn out and quit), her interested in sex but refuse to acknowledge and call it a quit, ultimately our relationship( burn out and quit)
i even shared it during the conversation we had that day, that i felt i was mislead and i thought she didnt like sex, and i said i thought u wanted long term relationship and the falls in passionate is inevitable(that said i didnt mean we cant rebuild or evolve the relationship to another level). now it makes sense, because i really was mislead even she denied( or didnt understand about it)
the break up, yes, the expirary date may be there in the beginning already. as we said earlier, i am breaking my anxious attachment slowly and making it conscious. i think she is still stuck in her world and will inevitably repeat the pattern
August 20, 2024 at 8:55 pm #436423Chau
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for the insights you shared about the attachment styles.
Yes they fit her pretty well. During our dating, I think i felt our distance, probably due to her emotional disconnection, so I cannot feel the closeness(because she couldn’t get in touch with her emotions, how could I?). It occurred to me suddenly, that she has never shared any photos of me in social media, throughout the whole 5 years. I am not obsessed with social media, but there were times when she tagged her friends in her post, but when I checked it recently, I suddenly realized she never tagged me at all.
I think that also explained why I felt quite insecure, especially when she went out with friends whom I don’t know, and why I chose not to call her even when I was in distress, because at the back of my mind, I felt she didn’t want anyone to know that she got a partner who would be worried or anxious and call her at 1am in midnight.
Some time ago(year or years ago), she began not wanting to have sex with me and this has frustrated the both of us. The more she tried, the more difficult and frustrating it was for us. She told me (and herself) that she didn’t like it, and I trusted her, and that’s the only thing i could do. I told myself indeed there were people who are really more asexual than other. Only recently, in our more heated conversations, that she revealed she actually enjoyed it, but then she has convinced herself she didn’t want it so as to preserve our relationship(aka, the problem between us is gone, if this is how she was, so no need to solve). She brainwashed herself(and me) that this was how she was, instead of admitting that she wants something but it is not working, and that there is work to be done for us). Again, her avoidant, and non-confronting behaviour, created selfishness by leading me the wrong way, not deviously, but nonetheless selfish
The pattern you described 6 years ago, still feels similar to my feelings right now. Things seem to make sense but not too much sense, and that I have a hunch that there is something wrong, there is an undercurrent. The words she said seem to be logically correct but not emotional consistent. She said she cared, but she doesn’t think what happened to me with the break up. She said she wanted a long term relationship but what she truly wanted was the passionate feeling that inevitable dies down after some years in a relationship. Saying she cared and wanted a long term relationship sound better probably, she might have convinced herself that she wanted them, than wanting flings and doesn’t want to care, which is similar to what she told me when she lost interest in sex. This explains the hunch that I am having.
It’s interesting how each day evolves into a different insight. I think she might have dropped the whole thing but I am still consistently reflecting and trying to face it. I guess that’s also the difference that we are having.
Have a great evening Anita, thanks for your help always
August 19, 2024 at 10:26 pm #436394Chau
ParticipantHi Anita,
You know I have been reading about attachment styles and it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance.
She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ” i have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away. She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best.
All the patterns that I read about avoidance, is so similar to her. Initial rush of happy hormones when we first dated, then fear of commitment and losing her individuality etc. No wonder why we struggled while I am almost the exact opposite while I want to get close and committed!
Thanks for sharing your new insights, I can also see how this is unfair to me. I keep thinking if I have done anything wrong, and that made me pushed my boundaries. I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever. Now i recalled my therapist said, that she was spoiled, probably by me or the lack of consequences from the people close to her. She thought the things she did was ok, may be not so good but not enough to deserve the consequences, and she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)
Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well
Chau
August 19, 2024 at 8:31 pm #436392Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
Yes, I think what she said was harsh on me also, so as what she did.
While I put it all on the table and apologized, I just feel that she was not doing the same: to reflect or at least shows she was reflecting. May be she is, may be not, I really don’t know. It’s just hard to know when she seems avoidance and compartmentalize. and this has been the part that I suffer most, that she keeps avoiding and not facing me.
Thanks for your blessing. I know there must be some ups and downs along the way. I have expected that so I will be gentle to myself also
Have a good week
August 19, 2024 at 6:42 pm #436388Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
Good to know that you are doing well. Hope you are having a good kind of busy.
You are right about the pattern. My friend was also saying it was like detox. Some days it was better, some days it was worse.
Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and i said she was an idiot. She did say we could talk after she came back, I was thinking to drop this. but on the weekend when I was reading something that reminded me greatly of the mistakes we have made during especially the last period of our dating, I texted her to initiate a call, she agreed to talk and we did. I told her that we have made mistakes along the way, and I appreciate and respect the space and the break that she was requesting. I was calm and collected all the way, but she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words. She said she also understood why I did that, but she was very upset.
I ended the call in 10 mins. Was mindful not to overwhelm both of us.
Now you talk about the pattern, I guess this is the pattern. The cues got too strong and too obvious, that prompted me to do something. and after the talk I did feel a sense of relief, although I am also aware that this is not going to last long.
For the things she left behind, I put them aside for now. I am trying to block her but also found myself unblock her afterwards. I have been very ambivalent since she returned. The emotional pattern is so strong, of course in the past I would be happy and talked to her and we would be talking about her trip etc(happy hormones generated). Now I potentially am craving for that.
Clara
August 18, 2024 at 9:13 pm #436357Chau
Participantno problem, no rush
August 18, 2024 at 1:20 am #436326Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?
I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.
for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.
this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.
the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.
i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.
the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.
i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle
thanks for listening
August 17, 2024 at 6:16 am #436298Chau
ParticipantDear Anita,
Hi, can’t believe another week has passed by.
I am slowly adjusting to my pace. I begin to get used to being alone in the house. Honestly I have always been a person who can be alone. I travel alone, i watch movie alone, i go jog alone, and enjoy it. I enjoy being with her since I also be myself, most of the time, or at least happily accommodate most of the time when I was with her. But otherwise, I actually can be by myself.
There were days when I thought about the past and her, and that there was a few times i burst into tears. Yesterday she returned something and put it in the lobby of my building. I don’t know why but I cried immediately when I stepped foot in my flat. I think this is another evidence that she is not coming back, probably that’s why. She still has something left in my flat, I realized today when I was digging things out. I guess she missed that part of the flat.
If she came back today, I think I would still want to be together. I still miss her quite a lot, and my heart aches from to time.However, I also feel that I am moving on to find myself and to try to see other people and the world. Not that I would committ to anything or anyone at this point, or actively looking for a relationship. but I guess it’s not harm to see the world and explore it a bit. O
On top of the plant, I also got some photos of my family and my travel, and I hang them around the house. I feel this made the flat belongs to me a bit more.
Hope all is well on your side.
Clara
August 10, 2024 at 9:32 am #436044Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for checking in. I feel ok, obviously I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutal/ calm than downs.
I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do, I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot for not thinking ahead, at the time she was late in moving her stuffs etc(saying this I still stand for myself in saying she handles this in sloppy way, for me it’s a basic respect but i think i should just point that out directly, instead of saying she is an idiot)
Re the secure attachment, it is very interesting to see how once that episode of secure attachment with my mom when I was 8 or 9 year old was realized, more episodes of positive ones emerged even with my then very emotional explosive father. I can recall scenarios where he is being a ‘father figure’ and took care and protected me. My friend said we all have comfirmation bias so may be once I didn’t focus on the scary/ negativies family situations, I recalled a lot more positive ones. I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed.
There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously i felt easier irritated by little things.
So i think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me. It made me dig into my past and help to amend things.
The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As asian we don’t really show that much affection, so it has been, I dun even know how many years that I gave her a proper hug. Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation, without feeling awkward at all, and I think she enjoyed the hug as much as I did. I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked.
My secure attachment has reminded me of the movie inside out. where Riley built her core memory/ personality island because she was so sad that she lost her game, and her family and friends hugged her and soothed. I think this is similar case to me, where my mother hugged and soothed me when I was upset, and this should have built my ‘family island’
The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system so well that it is hard to believe i just broke up with my partner of 5 years only two weeks ago. I think it’s because I am not adding extra burden to myself by the usual fear / sadness of abandonment habit. I think I have let go of that storyline.
I got myself some plants today, she doesn’t prefer too many plants since she doesn’t like to have too many things at home. now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things i like. i am actually quite happy about some changes that are happening at home
So, thanks for asking anita, I will update again. Or ask again if you are curious of how I am 🙂
August 6, 2024 at 9:15 am #435864Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
Thanks. I agree with all you said. It does look like her pattern, I didn’t really consciously thought about it, and I am sure she didn’t realize it until this day. How ironic it is that I seemd to have found some of her patterns, that she didn’t even realize, AFTER we break up.
I am very used to putting the blame on myself when things go wrong, I guess that’s where i doubted if I was wrong, did I sound too harsh, did I do xxx yy zz that casused this. I think I have asked myself, and around, it seems asking her to move out ASAP is the best, for the both of us actually. It is important to hold her responsible for what she has chosen.
The therapy went very well. On top of updating my therapist on the current situation. I brought up my childhood trauma/ emotional distress. Despite the chaos happening at home with my parents, I was able to find a moment which I was hugged by my mother when there was one time I was very upset, probably at 8 or9 years old. I sat on that image, and my therapist said that was the moment when i was securely attached, and she digged deeper into the texture of that memory. I have tears in my eyes just recalling this, and I do feel a sense of warmth coming up from my chest now. Last week my friend did some somatic experiencing with me, I hugged this stuffed animal and I felt I was hugging my inner child, in my imaginatary exercise, I hugged my little child.
My therapist also said, I am used to caring for others, at times like this, I should also be taken care by others, like a carefree dinner with my friends.
I realized the lifegoal of my ex and myself are different also. She is still exploring and experimenting life, while i am very ready, and may be wanting to have a home/ even family of my own.
I felt more secure, and my heart is definitely clearer after today’s session.
Clara
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