Hello Anita,

I just happened to come back and saw your message. Sorry for my late response. How have you been?
I am good in general, I have already disconnected with the colleague(with occasional texts on random food/ restaurant to go only) and nothing romantic involved. I have moved passed her for sure.

These days i was reminiscing on my ex. Her dad was in coma since last Dec due to a traffic accident, she did share a bit when we talked about the yoga arrangements(we used to go to the yoga studio at the same time so we tried to avoid that). I tried to provide some support via texts. This happened a few times since Dec, but we were only talking in texts. We haven’t talked for a month of two(not even via text) at this point, unsure how she and her dad is, but she came up in my dream and made me cry.

Today my other ex(let’s call her A) was talking to me, we are good friends now and today I suggested something to her. She reacted greatly and after some reflection, she said it reminded her of me blaming her when she didn’t return my texts at that time, it was 10 something years ago when we dated. She felt innocent that time as she was only reading at that point, both she and i know(only know it now, not then) that was my anxious attachment that caused my blaming, but she couldn’t help but felt hurt at that time, and she said she had some emotional reflex towards what i said , even though she knew i was really just suggesting something for her good or improvement.

The next thing i realized, was may be this was a pattern that happened to my immediate ex. May be i thought i was treating her well but she was also a victim of my anxious attachment. I tear up, with the thought that i might have treated her wrongly(although i am well aware i did not have the ability to change it so much at that point)

So this thought that I am not suitable to date came up, I really don’t know how my attachment would come up again if i date again.

I know i am a kind, responsible and empathetic person. But at the same time i also know that I have these emotional weaknesses and anxiety/ obsessions that I need to deal with. Today I am just thinking, how do i accept myself and how do I handle these ?

A bit derail from the ‘relationship’ topic, but i guess ultimately, i am trying to find a path to build a relationship with myself
I guess other than these deep thoughts, outwardly looking i am doing ok

Anyways, thanks asking for checking on me, hope all is well

Clara