Thanks Anita,

Yesterday she arranged movers to come to my house, I said I would like to see her and the stuffs leave. I have images of her around the house, but none of it is her leaving. Last time when she packed i left midway, so i said i kinda wana see things go, to let her go.

She said it was rough for her, but she said it’s ok if that’s what i chose. I did stay, but the movers came earlier, and that she was slightly late, by the time she came, there were only a few boxes of stuffs left. I was thinking of saying a proper goodbye, but it ended up with some awkward exchanges before she left. i saw her face, it seemed she had a hard time facing me indeed.

After they left I was feeling a bit frustrated  and angry, and texted her, saying ‘ you are an absolute idiot ah~~~~”she was apologetic and saying she intended for the workers to come later but they came early, she said things were out of her control last week. and I was saying ‘ may be you should expect things to be a bit messy since you decided to break up, and don’t meet up with friends to travel on the weekend?” She came late because she just came back from a one night trip with her friends, that irritated me even more, she could either not travel, or just come back slightly earlier.

She said it was really tough for her as she has never been in a situation where she needed to move out from a place, where she shared with someone so dearly. I was very frustrated because this is what she has chosen, she has chosen to break up. But she did not think of any consequences, it is as if she did not understand what she has chosen. Break up, means exactly to break away from this place and me?

I tried to ask if we could talk for a few min, I didn’t want her to misunderstand and I don’t want her to think I was in a furious state or whatever. She was having dinner and so I asked her to continue first.

Later at night I texted her and asked if she could talk or hear what I said, or if she didn’t prefer. She said it was a very difficult day for her, and she was not sure if she could take in more. She said we could talk 2 weeks later, after her business trip

and I just said, we can talk or not talk, both are ok for me. I felt it didn’t really matter too  much, I just didn’t want her to get it the wrong way, but i guess it didn’t matter at the end.

I wished her happy birthday and asked her to take good care of herself, despite everything i care about her and wished her nothing but well.

Sigh, i don’t know, I felt frustrated by how she was handling the whole situation

hi

i was a bit down earlier in the afternoon. eventually. i decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happt hormones before i came back

i was a bit scared before i came back. i was afraid to see her stuffs around. but somehow when i came back, i felt ok. she left a paper cup in here and instead of thinking i needed to help her do chores( like laundry last time) while i m not her partner anymore, i just chuckled and was thinking how silly this person was. even she tried hard to throw away stuffs because she wanted me to feel better sooner, she left something here and there for me to settle. i guess that applied to both emotionally and physically. she was oblivious of my need after she proposed breakup, and of course there were many other similar ocassions when we dates. i think i have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person, and honestly, it probably because it doesnt matter to me that much anymore so i feel ok

last time when i knew her friend was helping her, i texted that friend and said thank you. i knew her via my ex. she was very worried about me and was asking how i was. she said my ex, her and another friend cared about me and hoped i would be ok soon. she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, ane she said it was because of me. she was her friend for more than a decade so i believed it was true. she also said, while my ex fell out of love with me, i deserved someone who genuinely loved me and cared for me

i think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was i saw a video ok grief. essentially it means grief and love are tied together as a pact. so, since i loved, i cannot just disregard grief, even if we continue to be together and she dies earlier than i do. it is the same thinh that i need to deal with

and so i learned: we can grief and leave a space in the heart for this. she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled the restaurants we dined. i just need to give that emotions a space and allow it be there. since it will always be there

i think within one week, i think i have progressed well. i didnt beg or didny ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2.

i just need to get used being alone now

re adoption, i am considering to foster care these animlas first, i think instead of committing to an animal while i didnt rasie any before, this will be an inerium way for me to know. who knows if i wont officially adopt it if we get along?

Thanks Anita

Have a good rest

I mean, when I asked her to move out sooner, i was very desperate seeing her stuff around. When this really happens, I feel a sense of lost. I will try my best to get through this

Hi all

Thanks.

I have postponed the tattoo indeed. I think I should give it more time and also, under my current state, I think anything that is so permanent, will make me recall the current status I am in. I think this may not be the right time.

Yesterday she texted me on the logistics of moving away. She said she heard me and would try to make the timeline work, which is to move all her stuffs away by this weekend. She has already rented a place. I feel she is trying very hard to leave indeed. On one hand, I appreciate her taking what I said, on the other hand, I feel like I don’t want to let her go, seeing her stuff not around empty would be an indication of that.

My heart hurts, knowing that she doesn’t have feelings or love me anymore.

Dear Anita

Thank you

I am trying, I think it takes time, I don’t know how long. But I am accepting the new reality gradually.

When I reviewed the relationship, I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels about the relationship as of now ,but she didn’t plan for what she wanted to achieve in the longer run. For her, as long as it’s happy here and now, that’s ok for her, there is no need to plan for the future so much

As for me, I do plan for having a companion/ partner in the long run. I would plan financially/ do other things(such as the flat) to achieve this. This may be unconscious, but I think this is very different for the two of us. And may be that’s why, when the feelings are gone for her, she chose not to continue rather than continue to work on it, even though she said I have the quality of a long term partner, but long term isn’t for her at the moment. She wants her freedom back.

For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment. Am I being too impulsive? This is something permanent and I feel I shouldn’t take it lightly. As the day gets closer I am beginning to question as well. Feels like I am not in the place where I have clear thoughts.

I am saying this because as compared with cat/ dog, I do have a stronger feelings for it. I do not have as much reservation to adopt, than to do a tattoo. Although realistically, the responsible of having a pet is a lot bigger than having a tattoo(i basically just need to be responsible for myself for that)

Thanks for all the input, really appreciate all of your input

hello

It can totally be something else that she is upset about, may be she is mourning over the relationship. she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesnt have feelings for me. and even if anything that is possible between us, we have to break up first

it is hard for me to hear things like these( she does not want to let go and we may have a chance later?) it is confusing for me when i heard them. she is the person who decided on the break, its been a couple of years so i get where these feelings came from. but i think she really did not think through the whole process, from her word, she said the last week of her break she scratched her head to think for an answer. i feel like she herself did not take the time to think through, which i think I am the person who needs to bear with her not so well thought process. ( the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me)

now i need to deal with the grief and also needed to help her think how to arrange stuffs etc. i am a bit frustrated by her but sad that she had to leave. but at the same time i cared a lot for her so i tried not to make this too tough on her by givinh her time to move things

this is so tough really