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Chau

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 126 total)
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  • in reply to: Taking a break #436392
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yes, I think what she said was harsh on me also, so as what she did.

    While I put it all on the table and apologized, I just feel that she was not doing the same: to reflect or at least shows she was reflecting. May be she is, may be not, I really don’t know. It’s just hard to know when she seems avoidance and compartmentalize. and this has been the part that I suffer most, that she keeps avoiding and not facing me.

    Thanks for your blessing. I know there must be some ups and downs along the way. I have expected that so I will be gentle to myself also

    Have a good week

    in reply to: Taking a break #436388
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Good to know that you are doing well. Hope you are having a good kind of busy.

    You are right about the pattern. My friend was also saying it was like detox. Some days it was better, some days it was worse.

    Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and i said she was an idiot. She did say we could talk after she came back, I was  thinking to drop this. but on the weekend when I was reading something that reminded me greatly of the mistakes we have made during especially the last period of our dating, I texted her to initiate a call, she agreed to talk and we did. I told her that we have made mistakes along the way, and I appreciate and respect the space and the break that she was requesting. I was calm and collected all the way, but she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words. She said she also understood why I did that, but she was very upset.

    I ended the call in 10 mins. Was mindful not to overwhelm both of us.

    Now you talk about the pattern, I guess this is the pattern. The cues got too strong and too obvious, that prompted me to do something. and after the talk I did feel a sense of relief, although I am also aware that this is not going to last long.

    For the things she left behind, I put them aside for now. I am trying to block her but also found myself unblock her afterwards. I have been very ambivalent since she returned. The emotional pattern is so strong, of course in the past I would be happy and talked to her and we would be talking about her trip etc(happy hormones generated). Now I potentially am craving for that.

    Clara

    in reply to: Taking a break #436357
    Chau
    Participant

    no problem, no rush

    in reply to: Taking a break #436326
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?

    I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.

    for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.

    this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.

    the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.

    i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.

    the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.

    i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle

    thanks for listening

     

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #436298
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Hi, can’t believe another week has passed by.

    I am slowly adjusting to my pace. I begin to get used to being alone in the house. Honestly I have always been a person who can be alone. I travel alone, i watch movie alone, i go jog alone, and enjoy it. I enjoy being with her since I also be myself, most of the time, or at least happily accommodate most of the time when I was with her. But otherwise, I actually can be by myself.

    There were days when I thought about the past and her, and that there was a few times i burst into tears. Yesterday she returned something and put it in the lobby of my building. I don’t know why but I cried immediately when I stepped foot in my flat. I think this is another evidence that she is not coming back, probably that’s why. She still has something left in my flat, I realized today when I was digging things out. I guess she missed that part of the flat.

    If she came back today, I think I would still want to be together. I still miss her quite a lot, and my heart aches from to time.However, I also feel that I am moving on to find myself and to try to see other people and the world. Not that I would  committ to anything or anyone at this point, or actively looking for a relationship. but I guess it’s not harm to see the world and explore it a bit. O

    On top of the plant, I also got some photos of my family and my travel, and I hang them around the house. I feel this made the flat belongs to me a bit more.

    Hope all is well on your side.

    Clara

    in reply to: Taking a break #436044
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for checking in. I feel ok, obviously I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutal/ calm than downs.

    I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do, I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot for not thinking ahead, at the time she was late in moving her stuffs etc(saying this I still stand for myself in saying she handles this in sloppy way, for me it’s a basic respect but i think i should just point that out directly,  instead of saying she is an idiot)

    Re the secure attachment, it is very interesting to see how once that episode of secure attachment with my mom when I was 8 or 9 year old was realized, more episodes of positive ones emerged even with my then very emotional explosive father. I can  recall scenarios where he is being a ‘father figure’ and took care and protected me. My friend said we all have comfirmation bias so may be once I didn’t focus on the scary/ negativies family situations, I recalled a lot more positive ones. I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed.

    There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously i felt easier irritated by little things.

    So i think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me. It made me dig into my past and help to amend things.

    The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As asian we don’t really show that much affection, so it has been, I dun even know how many years that I gave her a proper hug. Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation, without feeling awkward at all, and I think she enjoyed the hug as much as I did. I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked.

    My secure attachment has reminded me of the movie inside out. where Riley built her core memory/ personality island because she was so sad that she lost her game, and her family and friends hugged her and soothed. I think this is similar case to me, where my mother hugged and soothed me when I was upset, and this should have built my ‘family island’

    The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system so well that it is hard to believe i just broke up with my partner of 5 years only two weeks ago. I think it’s because I am not adding extra burden to myself by the usual fear / sadness of abandonment habit. I think I have let go of that storyline.

    I got myself some plants today, she doesn’t prefer too many plants since she doesn’t like to have too many things at home. now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things i like. i am actually quite happy about some changes that are happening at home

    So, thanks for asking anita, I will update again. Or ask again if you are curious of how I am 🙂

    in reply to: Taking a break #435864
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks. I agree with all you said. It does look like her pattern, I didn’t really consciously thought about it, and I am sure she didn’t realize it until this day. How ironic it is that I seemd to have found some of her patterns, that she didn’t even realize, AFTER we break up.

    I am very used to putting the blame on myself when things go  wrong, I guess that’s where i doubted if I was wrong, did I sound too harsh, did I do xxx yy zz that casused this. I think I have asked myself, and around, it seems asking her to move out ASAP is the best, for the both of us actually. It is important to hold her responsible for what she has chosen.

    The therapy went very well. On top of updating my therapist on the current situation. I brought up my childhood trauma/ emotional distress. Despite the chaos happening at home with my parents, I was able to find a moment which I was hugged by my mother when there was one time I was very upset, probably at 8 or9 years old. I sat on that image, and my therapist said that was the moment when i was securely attached, and she digged deeper into the texture of that memory. I have tears in my eyes just recalling this, and I do feel a sense of warmth coming up from my chest now. Last week my friend did some somatic experiencing with me, I hugged this stuffed animal and I felt I was hugging my inner child, in my imaginatary exercise, I hugged my little child.

    My therapist also said, I am used to caring for others, at times like this, I should also be taken care by others, like a carefree dinner with my friends.

    I realized the lifegoal of my ex and myself are different also. She is still exploring and experimenting life, while i am very ready, and may be wanting to have a home/ even family of my own.

    I felt more secure, and my heart is definitely clearer after today’s session.

    Clara

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435848
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for your insight always.

    I want to clarify: Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

    do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?

    Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box. i think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well, but I guess she treated me as partner and think she ‘should’ take more care of me. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed.

    I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require, may be she knew i needed affirmation so she just did it and put the feelings away. She called this ‘let the feelings just go’ but in hindsight, she didn’t really let them go. She might not even realize they were there, but they probably were. This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore.

     

    She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion. I trusted that and I thought we were stable, thus she did not need those these anymore. But now, the reason she proposed a break up was she lost ‘feelings’ for me. And I think back, aren’t the things that she mentioned she did not need, were one of the thing that caused the feeling slip away? Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away? i dunno.

    At  a point I thought to myself: This person did not really know what she was feeling and wanting. From all the situations above, as well as from this break up. She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she need to move out (may be she just didn’t want to deal with the logistic etc i dunno) as if she did not know breaking up = I won’t be there to help with laundry/ help her take care of the movers; she needed to move out from the house.

    I think your last paragraph: This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. I resonate with that a lot. She seems to be using compartmentalization ineffectively, and thus it takes her almost a month and a half of break, to think of a situation which she knew a month and a half ago, which was that she didn’t have feelings for me.

    I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations(she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed).

     

    After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly. May be in her perspective, I just said I wanted to join in that morning. her trip was planned some times ago, she needed a getaway, she did not expect I would ask her to move out that quickly, It was tough for her to find a place and manage work at the same time. Things were just out of control. For me, all these are a matter of planning and priority. For her, she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well.

    My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better.

    thanks all

    in reply to: Taking a break #435819
    Chau
    Participant

    that ahhh was kinda of like sighing.

    i tried not to make it toooo accusational( but probablg i did sigh) by using that.

    I guess I was just very frustrated, by how this is unfolding

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435816
    Chau
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    Yesterday she arranged movers to come to my house, I said I would like to see her and the stuffs leave. I have images of her around the house, but none of it is her leaving. Last time when she packed i left midway, so i said i kinda wana see things go, to let her go.

    She said it was rough for her, but she said it’s ok if that’s what i chose. I did stay, but the movers came earlier, and that she was slightly late, by the time she came, there were only a few boxes of stuffs left. I was thinking of saying a proper goodbye, but it ended up with some awkward exchanges before she left. i saw her face, it seemed she had a hard time facing me indeed.

    After they left I was feeling a bit frustrated  and angry, and texted her, saying ‘ you are an absolute idiot ah~~~~”she was apologetic and saying she intended for the workers to come later but they came early, she said things were out of her control last week. and I was saying ‘ may be you should expect things to be a bit messy since you decided to break up, and don’t meet up with friends to travel on the weekend?” She came late because she just came back from a one night trip with her friends, that irritated me even more, she could either not travel, or just come back slightly earlier.

    She said it was really tough for her as she has never been in a situation where she needed to move out from a place, where she shared with someone so dearly. I was very frustrated because this is what she has chosen, she has chosen to break up. But she did not think of any consequences, it is as if she did not understand what she has chosen. Break up, means exactly to break away from this place and me?

    I tried to ask if we could talk for a few min, I didn’t want her to misunderstand and I don’t want her to think I was in a furious state or whatever. She was having dinner and so I asked her to continue first.

    Later at night I texted her and asked if she could talk or hear what I said, or if she didn’t prefer. She said it was a very difficult day for her, and she was not sure if she could take in more. She said we could talk 2 weeks later, after her business trip

    and I just said, we can talk or not talk, both are ok for me. I felt it didn’t really matter too  much, I just didn’t want her to get it the wrong way, but i guess it didn’t matter at the end.

    I wished her happy birthday and asked her to take good care of herself, despite everything i care about her and wished her nothing but well.

    Sigh, i don’t know, I felt frustrated by how she was handling the whole situation

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435794
    Chau
    Participant

    hi anita

    and honestly, it probably because it doesn’t matter to me that much anymore so I feel ok“- a bit of anger, a bit of resignation..?

    i think it is more like a bit of letting go, it does not matter anymore

    yea you are right, it is griefing the lost love, and i need time for this

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435775
    Chau
    Participant

    hi

    i was a bit down earlier in the afternoon. eventually. i decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happt hormones before i came back

    i was a bit scared before i came back. i was afraid to see her stuffs around. but somehow when i came back, i felt ok. she left a paper cup in here and instead of thinking i needed to help her do chores( like laundry last time) while i m not her partner anymore, i just chuckled and was thinking how silly this person was. even she tried hard to throw away stuffs because she wanted me to feel better sooner, she left something here and there for me to settle. i guess that applied to both emotionally and physically. she was oblivious of my need after she proposed breakup, and of course there were many other similar ocassions when we dates. i think i have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person, and honestly, it probably because it doesnt matter to me that much anymore so i feel ok

    last time when i knew her friend was helping her, i texted that friend and said thank you. i knew her via my ex. she was very worried about me and was asking how i was. she said my ex, her and another friend cared about me and hoped i would be ok soon. she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, ane she said it was because of me. she was her friend for more than a decade so i believed it was true. she also said, while my ex fell out of love with me, i deserved someone who genuinely loved me and cared for me

    i think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was i saw a video ok grief. essentially it means grief and love are tied together as a pact. so, since i loved, i cannot just disregard grief, even if we continue to be together and she dies earlier than i do. it is the same thinh that i need to deal with

    and so i learned: we can grief and leave a space in the heart for this. she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled the restaurants we dined. i just need to give that emotions a space and allow it be there. since it will always be there

    i think within one week, i think i have progressed well. i didnt beg or didny ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2.

    i just need to get used being alone now

    re adoption, i am considering to foster care these animlas first, i think instead of committing to an animal while i didnt rasie any before, this will be an inerium way for me to know. who knows if i wont officially adopt it if we get along?

    in reply to: Taking a break #435735
    Chau
    Participant

    hi, she is having a busy day and i think she is not done now( its 11pm here)

    i am staying at my parents’ as i ocassionally do, i told her she can take her time and if needed, just stay for the night. i offered to help her pack but she had a friend who was helping her.

    the movers will not come until sun, so for tomorrow, i either stay at my parents’, or i go home with boxes and boxes of stuffs

     

    her schedule is really crazy, i feel sorry for her having to do this. But i also appreacite her react to how upset i was last week, when i saw her stuff

     

    complicated as in, there are times when i get angry,times when i feel ok, times when i was very upset and needed to cry, times when i do not even have feelings for her when i look at the photos of us together. its a lots of different things

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435723
    Chau
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    Have a good rest

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #435711
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Hello.

    Thank you for keeping me in your mind.

    She is packing things today and I felt very sad about this. I pulled a bit of stuff out for her, she is supposed to go home today and will pack everything by day end. I already feel that I have been repeating what I said to my friends, there is nothing much that I can still talk about, but the feelings are still around. I am thinking if I should do some journaling, instead of finding someone to talk it out.

    I don’t know, I need to process this. sometime it feels like something aching in the heart, sometime there is a void. With all the logistic discussion with her(she getting what electric appliances/ furniture etc), this makes me feel very complicated

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 126 total)