Hi Anita,

You know I have been reading about attachment styles and it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance.

She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ” i have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away. She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best.

All the patterns that I read about avoidance, is so similar to her. Initial rush of happy hormones when we first dated, then fear of commitment and losing her individuality etc. No wonder why we struggled while I am almost the exact opposite while I want to get close and committed!

Thanks for sharing your new insights, I can also see how this is unfair to me. I keep thinking if I have done anything wrong, and that made me pushed my boundaries. I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever. Now i recalled my therapist said, that she was spoiled, probably by me or the lack of consequences from the people close to her. She thought the things she did was ok, may be not so good but not enough to deserve the consequences, and she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)

Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well

Chau

Hello Anita

Good to know that you are doing well. Hope you are having a good kind of busy.

You are right about the pattern. My friend was also saying it was like detox. Some days it was better, some days it was worse.

Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and i said she was an idiot. She did say we could talk after she came back, I was  thinking to drop this. but on the weekend when I was reading something that reminded me greatly of the mistakes we have made during especially the last period of our dating, I texted her to initiate a call, she agreed to talk and we did. I told her that we have made mistakes along the way, and I appreciate and respect the space and the break that she was requesting. I was calm and collected all the way, but she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words. She said she also understood why I did that, but she was very upset.

I ended the call in 10 mins. Was mindful not to overwhelm both of us.

Now you talk about the pattern, I guess this is the pattern. The cues got too strong and too obvious, that prompted me to do something. and after the talk I did feel a sense of relief, although I am also aware that this is not going to last long.

For the things she left behind, I put them aside for now. I am trying to block her but also found myself unblock her afterwards. I have been very ambivalent since she returned. The emotional pattern is so strong, of course in the past I would be happy and talked to her and we would be talking about her trip etc(happy hormones generated). Now I potentially am craving for that.

Clara

Hello Anita

What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?

I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.

for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.

this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.

the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.

i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.

the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.

i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle

thanks for listening

Hi Anita

Thanks for checking in. I feel ok, obviously I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutal/ calm than downs.

I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do, I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot for not thinking ahead, at the time she was late in moving her stuffs etc(saying this I still stand for myself in saying she handles this in sloppy way, for me it’s a basic respect but i think i should just point that out directly,  instead of saying she is an idiot)

Re the secure attachment, it is very interesting to see how once that episode of secure attachment with my mom when I was 8 or 9 year old was realized, more episodes of positive ones emerged even with my then very emotional explosive father. I can  recall scenarios where he is being a ‘father figure’ and took care and protected me. My friend said we all have comfirmation bias so may be once I didn’t focus on the scary/ negativies family situations, I recalled a lot more positive ones. I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed.

There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously i felt easier irritated by little things.

So i think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me. It made me dig into my past and help to amend things.

The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As asian we don’t really show that much affection, so it has been, I dun even know how many years that I gave her a proper hug. Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation, without feeling awkward at all, and I think she enjoyed the hug as much as I did. I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked.

My secure attachment has reminded me of the movie inside out. where Riley built her core memory/ personality island because she was so sad that she lost her game, and her family and friends hugged her and soothed. I think this is similar case to me, where my mother hugged and soothed me when I was upset, and this should have built my ‘family island’

The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system so well that it is hard to believe i just broke up with my partner of 5 years only two weeks ago. I think it’s because I am not adding extra burden to myself by the usual fear / sadness of abandonment habit. I think I have let go of that storyline.

I got myself some plants today, she doesn’t prefer too many plants since she doesn’t like to have too many things at home. now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things i like. i am actually quite happy about some changes that are happening at home

So, thanks for asking anita, I will update again. Or ask again if you are curious of how I am 🙂

Hi Anita

Thanks for your insight always.

I want to clarify: Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?

Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box. i think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well, but I guess she treated me as partner and think she ‘should’ take more care of me. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed.

I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require, may be she knew i needed affirmation so she just did it and put the feelings away. She called this ‘let the feelings just go’ but in hindsight, she didn’t really let them go. She might not even realize they were there, but they probably were. This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore.

She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion. I trusted that and I thought we were stable, thus she did not need those these anymore. But now, the reason she proposed a break up was she lost ‘feelings’ for me. And I think back, aren’t the things that she mentioned she did not need, were one of the thing that caused the feeling slip away? Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away? i dunno.

At  a point I thought to myself: This person did not really know what she was feeling and wanting. From all the situations above, as well as from this break up. She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she need to move out (may be she just didn’t want to deal with the logistic etc i dunno) as if she did not know breaking up = I won’t be there to help with laundry/ help her take care of the movers; she needed to move out from the house.

I think your last paragraph: This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. I resonate with that a lot. She seems to be using compartmentalization ineffectively, and thus it takes her almost a month and a half of break, to think of a situation which she knew a month and a half ago, which was that she didn’t have feelings for me.

I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations(she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed).

After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly. May be in her perspective, I just said I wanted to join in that morning. her trip was planned some times ago, she needed a getaway, she did not expect I would ask her to move out that quickly, It was tough for her to find a place and manage work at the same time. Things were just out of control. For me, all these are a matter of planning and priority. For her, she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well.

My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better.

thanks all

Thanks Anita,

Yesterday she arranged movers to come to my house, I said I would like to see her and the stuffs leave. I have images of her around the house, but none of it is her leaving. Last time when she packed i left midway, so i said i kinda wana see things go, to let her go.

She said it was rough for her, but she said it’s ok if that’s what i chose. I did stay, but the movers came earlier, and that she was slightly late, by the time she came, there were only a few boxes of stuffs left. I was thinking of saying a proper goodbye, but it ended up with some awkward exchanges before she left. i saw her face, it seemed she had a hard time facing me indeed.

After they left I was feeling a bit frustrated  and angry, and texted her, saying ‘ you are an absolute idiot ah~~~~”she was apologetic and saying she intended for the workers to come later but they came early, she said things were out of her control last week. and I was saying ‘ may be you should expect things to be a bit messy since you decided to break up, and don’t meet up with friends to travel on the weekend?” She came late because she just came back from a one night trip with her friends, that irritated me even more, she could either not travel, or just come back slightly earlier.

She said it was really tough for her as she has never been in a situation where she needed to move out from a place, where she shared with someone so dearly. I was very frustrated because this is what she has chosen, she has chosen to break up. But she did not think of any consequences, it is as if she did not understand what she has chosen. Break up, means exactly to break away from this place and me?

I tried to ask if we could talk for a few min, I didn’t want her to misunderstand and I don’t want her to think I was in a furious state or whatever. She was having dinner and so I asked her to continue first.

Later at night I texted her and asked if she could talk or hear what I said, or if she didn’t prefer. She said it was a very difficult day for her, and she was not sure if she could take in more. She said we could talk 2 weeks later, after her business trip

and I just said, we can talk or not talk, both are ok for me. I felt it didn’t really matter too  much, I just didn’t want her to get it the wrong way, but i guess it didn’t matter at the end.

I wished her happy birthday and asked her to take good care of herself, despite everything i care about her and wished her nothing but well.

Sigh, i don’t know, I felt frustrated by how she was handling the whole situation

hi

i was a bit down earlier in the afternoon. eventually. i decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happt hormones before i came back

i was a bit scared before i came back. i was afraid to see her stuffs around. but somehow when i came back, i felt ok. she left a paper cup in here and instead of thinking i needed to help her do chores( like laundry last time) while i m not her partner anymore, i just chuckled and was thinking how silly this person was. even she tried hard to throw away stuffs because she wanted me to feel better sooner, she left something here and there for me to settle. i guess that applied to both emotionally and physically. she was oblivious of my need after she proposed breakup, and of course there were many other similar ocassions when we dates. i think i have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person, and honestly, it probably because it doesnt matter to me that much anymore so i feel ok

last time when i knew her friend was helping her, i texted that friend and said thank you. i knew her via my ex. she was very worried about me and was asking how i was. she said my ex, her and another friend cared about me and hoped i would be ok soon. she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, ane she said it was because of me. she was her friend for more than a decade so i believed it was true. she also said, while my ex fell out of love with me, i deserved someone who genuinely loved me and cared for me

i think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was i saw a video ok grief. essentially it means grief and love are tied together as a pact. so, since i loved, i cannot just disregard grief, even if we continue to be together and she dies earlier than i do. it is the same thinh that i need to deal with

and so i learned: we can grief and leave a space in the heart for this. she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled the restaurants we dined. i just need to give that emotions a space and allow it be there. since it will always be there

i think within one week, i think i have progressed well. i didnt beg or didny ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2.

i just need to get used being alone now

re adoption, i am considering to foster care these animlas first, i think instead of committing to an animal while i didnt rasie any before, this will be an inerium way for me to know. who knows if i wont officially adopt it if we get along?

Thanks Anita

Have a good rest