Hi Anita

It’s funny, your words reminded me of what I would say, but typically. If I encounter difficulties at work, I can be very logical and just stick with the plan, even if it’s hard or takes a lot of energy. this is what’s agreed on, then just do it(I typically sound very chill and relax when I say this to colleagues or myself). When it comes to personal things, my emotions overwhelms me at times, which cloud the other part of my brain(and heart)

Hi both,

No doubt I have grown a lot throughout the years. One thing I  need to remind myself: It matters what I do with the situation, not how the situation is. No doubt I have my resilience, been in even tougher situations.

I am still sharing some accounts with her (deliveroo/ netflix), i often see traces of her in those apps. I got notification that she ordered for a group of people on a Monday lunch time to our place, which is a bit unusual. This can be neutral but I started to go into the loop: Why is she not working? who are those people who went to our place etc etc

I catastrophized and thought : she must have forgotten about me and she is happy without me.

Then I remember what Anita said: I needed to think in her shoes. Her operating system is different from me. I need alone time to deal with the pain; She may need to have other people around or even ‘not think about it’ to deal with the pain. She may have really forgotten about me, or,  she is just dealing the pain. I just don’t know.

It took overnight for this to sink in. Last night, I decided to hide all her IG stories and also log out of the app, so that I won’t know what is happening to her. I was very upset as I felt the last connection(and hope may be) is lost, but I felt this is something that I needed to do.

I cried a lot last night, but this morning I told myself it’s again another day, so it’s again closer to the date when we evaluate things

thanks both

Hello Anita

Yes, the first one year was a a bit turbuelent for us. I think the main reason was because i was insecure with her then ex. Before we got together, they were on and off for many times, before they eventually broke up.

They broke up after I reconnected with her, which was around a month after I said i needed to take a break back in 2018. I contacted her after I disconnected with her for a few weeks. Soon after we reconnected, she told me they broke up. We eventually got together in Jan 2019

She still kept in touch with her ex after that. I was upset about that, but she said once it was over it was over. I was still insecure as she kept the stuff her ex gave her in the house(there was a guitar of her ex, some stuffed animals which were gifts from her ex etc), with her still in touch with the ex, I felt very insecure  at that time, 1) is the history of on-off rellationship she had with her ex; 2) Her ex’s stuff is still in the house and I think this made me feel uncomfortable.

She eventually put them away/ returned the stuff of her stuff. I think they stopped contacting each other as well. But it made her feel I was a sensitive person and she didn’t understand why I would be insecure, while i think my feeling were valid and i didn’t understand why she didn’t understand instead.

Now as I am thinking of the past, this feeling of not being undestood was here from the very beginning. I do not feel empthaized or understood well.  I think I need someone who is more sensitve, not necessarily over-sensitive, but sensitive to feelings/ emtions

She said I brought her new perspective and I am someone whom she typically does not interact with

She said it recently when we were reviewing our relationship. I asked her why did she like me in the beginning. She said I was  kind person and empathetic, she also said the above. So I asked if those things were gone, if i changed, or did you change. She said no(which made me puzzled also, coz you still like the characters that I have, and you say you don’t like me)

I think she tends to interact with people who do not handle their feeling/ emotions. she hangs out with a bunch of people for drinks/ just get together for games etc. She does have some friends whom she talks about their problems, but I think they are talking like what typically men do(no offense, I just think most men think in a different way than women). They are all in the head, and everything is compartmentize and doesn’t go into the heart.

I do think my image stays the same even I have changed. I also told her the same like what your mom did. I understand this is human nature to be more sensitive to danger.

After last night I think I would continue to wait and see, i comforted myself that another day is gone, and I am closer to the day when we reconnected, I agree that I am swayed by my emotions, when emotion arise, like yesteryday , I wanted to end it and I kind of just want to do somethinig about it. Part of me know I really want to end this, part of me i really want to know what she would say at the end and honour the promise

Yes, lack of control is distressing for me, throughout the years I have learned and a lot of the things(with the exception of relationship), I have learned to follow the flow

Thanks for listening, it is indeed a tough time for me

Hello Helcat,

Thank you, I got confused of what is right what is wrong already. I am unsure if i am angry at myself instead. I just don’t want the situation to continue i guess. I wish it can end, even if it meant breaking up.

Just now i took a deep breath and just distracted myself with other stuff.

Thanks for your blessing always

<p class=”p1″>I do agree I took a bit of the personality of my father. He probably suppressed( ignored) his own emotions to a point where he could only explode or not feeling anything, nothing in between. I also think while others are being vulnerable, it made him very uncomfortable because he needed to be vulnerable( to an extend) to understand or communicate with that person, aka facing his own vulnerability. He only knew how to shut it down by rejecting it. I got his stubborness and jugdemental problem when i was younger, but i worked hard to change it once i realized where mine came from</p>
<p class=”p1″>i do not think i overreact normally,initially yes, when things were unsure and turbulent. I feel she imprinted that image of me being over sensitive when we started dating . i have changed a great deal but her impression remains.</p>
<p class=”p1″>in fact most of the time when i am at home with her, i am very silly and funny. i tried to let that part of me out, and that part i dont let it out too often.  but somehow, i can still sense she is very cautious of what i say and tip toe. it is as if she needs to “deal” with me, so she acts in a certain way or do certain things. </p>
<p class=”p1″>she could go travel with fd for a week, and i didnt comment anything at all other than i miss her( but if someone is tired of you i guess that makes them uncomfortable still) . i guess i felt her uncomfortable, and that made me feel i overreacted and so i tried not to say much, i do ocassionally overreact as you said, when i didnt express myself enough. but in retrospect, It was not that serious honestly, at least until before she didnt respond to my question on whether she likes me or not.</p>
<p class=”p1″>one thing that she mentioned she liked about me, was how kind i was. i am empathetic and try to understand. she said i brought her new perspective and i am someone whom she typically does not interact with, it is as if i gave her another world to be in. </p>
<p class=”p1″>i get what anita says, with suppressed emotions, because they arent regulated well, it felt like a suddent pump of air to the chest, to a point i didnt know what how to deal. </p>
<p class=”p1″>i do lack the habit of expressing. i think i disconnected myself for a while, due to various people around me( parents/ my on-a-break partner) . they all have expectation, i also have expectation on myself on how i should behave in front of them.</p>
<p class=”p1″>one thing i wana share, i have picked up running again, and i did it 4 consecutuve days( i stayed in a hotel ocassionaly and they do have gym) I want to join gym again to maintain this habit, i think the endorphines help to lift me up and it helps me to regulate my emotions.</p>
<p class=”p1″>will share again, thanks all</p>

Hi all

Thank you. I went to my first therapy session yesterday.

The therapist tried to explore the pattern with our childhood.

For me, I grew up with some insecurity issues, wanted to get protection as I mentioned earlier(I think that’s how i wanted closeness), while my father was very explosive(emotionally) He would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point i cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. He had problem when people get emotional or cry and i still remembered he scolded me for crying. He couldn’t tolerate people having vulnerable emotions, he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive. This happened to me, to his colleagues(which usually result in things falling apart), to my mom and elder brother, basically anyone who is against him(even the slightest). He was also very judgmental, in a heated argument I had with him before(I learned stand against him when i got older) , he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time

So from young I have learned to hide my emotions, and just dealt with it myself. I feel this is what happened when i swallowed my emotions, and not let her know that I was sad. I didn’t have the appropriate tools to express my emotions(while I think i am naturally born very sentimental). Similar thing might have happened when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized i was upset and she was caught by surprise.

We touched on her upbringing as well, her parents were very strict and she didn’t have much autonomy when she was a kid. So now, if asked for closeness and assurance, she might feel bounded and wants to escape. So the way my therapist saw it was, we are the classical pursuer distancer dynamic. It is to what extend we can live with it.

My therapist was saying: may be you unconsciously reminded her of how her parents treated her, while you want assurance and closeness. If this is the case, of course our love feeling dies down.

I didn’t make my second appointment, I feel I have cleared a lot on my side. The interaction pattern, my childhood insecurity, the way to regulate my insecurity when I feel it(meditate/ exercise/ breath/ distract). I also think in our relationship we got lazy and we didn’t celebrate much or go on a date etc.

All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected. It is hard to imagine we are breaking up(we might be heading that direction though), but I will clear the reasons why so that we have properly closure.

When asked whether I leaned towards the possibility of break up vs she just needs time to restart, I answered I really didn’t have a concrete direction(with her reactions i really feel very ambivalent, unsure how much is my projection though, she might think she was very clear i really dunno). I guess that probably should be my stance when i meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up.

The therapist did encourage me to write letter/ email to her, for important insight like this. She can choose to read or not. But she mentioned she is one of those who compartmentize things, the emotions do not get in her, it’s all in the head, not in the heart. I am still pondering on this. But she encouraged me to lead the discussion when it comes to emotions, I am obviously a lot more introspective and have gone to a deeper level when it comes to emotions.

Thanks all, best wishes to you

Hi Anita

Thank you.

I think you made a good point, that she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes.

This morning, it did come across to me that may be it is better if we are apart. Given she has lost the feelings as a partner towards me. She cares, but probably there is something more that is needed to continue as partner. May be she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not.

Anyhow, i will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up

Clara

Hello Anita and  Helcat,

Thanks you. I will try to remember to act out of love. I guess the whole thing is a bit out of my comprehension. I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship(or any other motive).  The actions do not add up.

If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities(including yesterday, I kind of prepared for the worst yesterday), or,  we can definitely set an earlier date to end this rather than make it the end of the month, if it’s exactly one month it will be 20th, but not 27th. I even mentioned this was very challenging in practice to wait for a month( i assume if you do want to break up then you don’t want to wait also?and no need to deliberately prolong the suffering of someone else if you don’t think the benefit of the longer separation prevails?)But she said she was slow and she needed time to think things through. Plus she said she and I are not dating any other person during this period, so we are still partner in her mind. she even texted me afterwards for giving her this space.

if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday. She did not seem to really want to share much, and this is also weird given we haven’t talked for a whole week(and we lived together before that). I did ask if anything came up but she said she would share at the end of month.

It seems the space and time itself, is doing something and she wants them.

Anyways, I should stop thinking the ‘why’. I will never get to know until the end of the month (given she has thought through and know it also) This is out of my comprehension given I do not have more information.

The family issue did impact me quite a bit, so I had been very insecure as a person for a majority part of my adulthood. I don’t think they deliberately peeped, it just happened my mom was oblivious. That uncle passed away and I don’t think he meant evil either. It kind of just happened, but then it made me feel very insecure.

Thanks all for listening, good morning on your side when you see this

Clara