Hi all

She decided she wanted to break up

First thing she said, was how she appreciated the space i gave her, i memtioned about the thing i work on about my insecurity, she said we did have a direction but she doesnt have the feeling for lover for me, she doesnt like me anymore, thats what she finally said. She was too tired to try anymore. She wants her freedom and the feeling of not needing to bound with anyone.

she said she only decided a couple of days. I was very upset and I asked with the new information would make a difference. she said it might happen, but even if we need to start anything, we start from zero, which is she needs to break up first.

she didnt plan for the night, she expected me to just go home after talking in my house. i said i could not go back and wander around anymore

How my past month has taken a toll on me, she slept on the cough for the night and i slept in the end. she moved to a hotel from today on

Before she left, I was looking at the things around in the house, I burst into tears saying everything here has a memory of you, it is really tough on me. i hugged her and cried so hard

I am unsure how i feel now, i expected this but i guess it still hurts

Hello Anita

Thanks.

I am indeed focusing on her YES or NO, honestly, i probably wouldn’t know how to respond to her YES, if she just comes back and says so. I have been thinking if she would say YES or NO, but not what comes after, probably too beyond my ability when I was constantly fretting.

I am aware this is a two person job. I think it’s not working if it’s just me.

I mean obviously we will need to work on things. This is what we agreed to do before the break, that we take this time to take a rest, see how we can navigate the problems that we have, and then we come together to decide the next step. My constant fear has taken a toll on me, I mean I have been working very hard on my self development, which is along the path that we have discussed. But yes, I am too afraid and thus obsessed with what will happen, rather than what’s happening.

I will try to be stronger when I meet her.

hi all

I only slept for a few hours last night. I think she is leaving me, but at the same time I cannot think this is the case, this is really torturing

I started to wonder what is the use of hanging in there, to reflect and digest. i know this is just my frustration talking, still I am very heart broken and I just wish to talk sooner, to either continue or end this

I really do not have a good feeling about this from the way she talks

Just venting out a bit, thanks all

Hi anita

thanks

i cannot sleep and keep waking up, affected by her reaction may be.

I fear  that she does not love me anymore. not the clara the enemy, but clara the friendly

she might have given up on the relationship completely, that is how i feel

I will try to stay open minded, but this thougt is pulling me down

Hi all
I am back from trip, I keep travelling so that is a good thing for me as well, to leave me less time to fall into the overthinking pattern.

Now that the talk should fall on next weekend, I am thinking how to prepare myself better(i am 2/3 throught the book and I have been trying to the exercise to change the pattern!)

I thought of texting her today to see how we can arrange for next weekend. I want to settle something, the logistic may help me ground a bit, I am starting to feel a bit anxious once I am back home.

With more time apart I feel she does not need me, so the chance of her wanting to be together I feel it’s less, given she was the one who didn’t have feelings for me at the start of the break. But I also know that based on the fact that I have(which is we have no contact for the month), I can’t draw any conclusion. She did post on IG that she feels happiness can be simple, to chat with fds or just to go out to nature, this made me feel that she is happier without me. Made me wonder if she was directing these to me also.

Anyways, I guess I may be overthinking a bit and honestly most of the things said above were based on what I thought/ assumed. I know I need to be open-minded and see what she brings in the conversation. Sometime it it easy to fall into these thinking trpas.

Any thoughts and ideas are welcomed. I would like to see how I can better prepare myself

Thanks all

Wish you all well

Hi all

I read about the vulnerable child mode and a bit of the angry child mode. I think it explained the way I was brought up, and it seems that I developed some of those child modes because of my upbringing. They are pretty spot on. I had this weird sense of relief knowing that ‘oh, that’s where it came from’ when i read the first two chapters.

The questions/ worksheets do require a lot of introspection. i need to use my hands to write them down, I often type too quickly that my thoughts just skim through things. With hand writing(although my handwrite is so bad that it is almost illegible), Ido think it allows me to have more time to digest them.

i can try to identify what triggered them, what i normally behave and if those behaviors matches what I want/ need.

Too bad I didn’t know about this earlier, or else things might be a bit different. Nonetheless, if it’s not because of the hit this time, I probably am still unaware of what I have been suffering from.

At this point, I am not very hopeful of our relationship, I cried yesterday because I missed her a lot, and I partly I think i was greiving the relationship, or at least the relationship that I thought I had.

I will keep on reading and keep on updating.

Best wishes to you all

Hello all

Thanks for the recommendations, it’s lovely to read that my question has resulted in some insights to you also.

I travelled for the whole day yesterday and today, finally back to the hotel for some rest.

All of the quotes sound relevant now my problem is which book to start first.

During my flight yesterday i was thinking how to practice what I have learned.

I scribbled with the following questions/ flow on what to do, when emotions arise; or simply, what I need to practice remember each day. Feel free to take a look and give me your comments.

Anita, thanks for sharing your story also, it must have been hard for you also. It is indeed hard for me  to take but I am trying  my best to digest the new information. I don’t want to make the people who genuinely care about me upset for no reason / reasons because of my history or lack of management of my own emotions. This is the why I try to read and re-read what you wrote.

I plan to read this to myself may be everyday/ whenever needed

My scribble below:

practise emotion regulation

my emotion is my responsibility
– [ ] investigate if the feeling matches with the reality
– [ ] is the fear legit?
– [ ] is the fear turned anger legit
– [ ] is the leashing out legit
– [ ] is the hurt legit
if not legit, practise
– meditation(letting go/ emotion regulation)
– exercise
– distract yourself
– breath deeply
– stop and be quiet. think of priorty: you want to win this? or win your life back?
– release emotions appropriately if needed. do no engage in the negative blaming cycle.

even if they are legit, can you stop clinging onto them? and use compassion and forgiveness, practise
– meditation(loving kindness/ frustration)
– exercise
– distract yourself
– breath deeply
– stop and be quiet. think of priorty: you want to win this? or win your life back?
– release emotions appropriately if needed. do no engage in the negative blaming cycle.

emotions flow and use your body to redirect and channel them

practise trust
– [ ] trust her with what she says

– [ ]Do not mistrust when there is no evidence(Reference to ‘practice emotion regulation)
– [ ] trust that she meant good
– [ ] trust yourself, people around you love you and they do not betray or hurt you randomly

heal your inner child
– [ ] the fearful and hurt child may sometime go wild, gives her lots of love and reassurance: humans are not necessarily a source of danger
– [ ] be kind, and loving to her
– [ ] practice meditation

set boundaries
– [ ] make sure people do not handle your emotions
– [ ] make sure to secure your own boundaries, and do not get affected by your emotions when they want to overwhelm you
– [ ] say no to malfunction( eg not true yto reality) emotions, let them go, do not cling

Hello Helcat and Anita,

Thanks. I am looking at the signs of emotional abuse. Some of which  may have happened before. but there are quite a number of sign, they do seem complicated. There are some which some seem to be things that happen when couples are in argument? ( or may be we have normalized it? i don’t know). It’s complicated to dissect, especially I am in the middle of it.

She did get in touch with her other ex-es, I don’t have problem with that. It was only the first year with her immediate ex. They have been on and off for a couple of times, and from what I knew whenever her ex reached out to her, she would get back together . Them being in contact made me really uncomfortable given the history. Especially we got together around 2 months after they broke up. It can be my insecurity, I was afraid I was  just a rebound for her.

You made good reminder that I should be handling my own emotions and issues.

I think, it’s good that you pointed that out, that my anger may lead to blaming her or other things. I stopped and pondered this for a while, it was not a perspective that I was aware, that I might have abused her. Abusive or not, I think this pattern worth looking into.