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ChauParticipant
the logistic , the date the time etc needs to be sorted out
ChauParticipanthi all
i think you are right
i was a bit too cruel to myself and not contacted her, even something bad happened last thur
i think it is legit to reach out to her , to say that the expectation does not aligh( i cant contact her and i gave her the allowance verbally), evidented by my mom’s situation( and that hurts)
and if we were to continue with this break the logistic, i may need the agreememt to reach out if needed. or we just end things directly may be better
this seems less cruel to myself also
Clara
ChauParticipanti am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because i said it she could contact me, so that may make her think if she does not contact me, then i cannot contact her even if its after a month? thanks
ChauParticipantdear anita
it was a no contact break so far. we talked about no contact, and it was only right before i left i became a bit emotional, and said she could contact me if there is anything. so far, she didnt.
at that time, i asked her to take a rest and think if she can clear her mind of the “feeling” she has for me(and whether she has it or not), and we can discuss based ok that after a month
but the logistic(exact date etc) were not properly addressed
ChauParticipantHi Anita
that is true
I said it before I left the house, I was emotional and did not think through, afterall she was the one who needed it so i was thinking she could be the one who ends it, even earlier
any suggestion on what can be done? I mean obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact. Probably address the logistic when it is closer?
Clara
ChauParticipantNow i do realize we did it a bit hasty, we said it on sat, then on sun i already moved away. I feel a lot of the logistics were not properly addressed. Other than the date and whether we still keep in touch during this period of time
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita
We just said review in a month, and i did tell her to contact me in between if she wants to talk with me earlier(she needed the break afterall). Didn’t say who would contact who
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita
Or may be things were that bad or no other alternative, when I first brought it up. But somehow, here we are and we are doing this (torturing to each other i assume, I recognize she must not be feeling good right now also)
Clara
ChauParticipanthi all,
Thanks for reading my story and sharing your story. I have heard a lot of perspectives and I appreacite each and everyone of yours. But one thing that I find most true is we all come from various backgrounds, with our own assumption and our own strength and challenges, and so the stories and perspectives that come out can be vastly different.
I am still holding on to the belief that she is using this time to calm down and break some of our negative patterns. In my mind, I am imaging more towards we will reconcile, but not break up. But of course that is just something in my imagination now. But sometime I would also wonder why she didn’t text me after a whole week, while I opened that option(the imagination goes on and on)
I think most of the friends think this is a very cruel way to figure out a relationship, While one on hand i think yes this is very torturing, on the other hand I feel this is what is meant by ‘together’, if she has a down time, I am with her until she is up again. Or until we separate
For me for now, we are still together so I am still hanging on. I think I know the ‘why'(to be in this with her together because I am committed to it and I love her), so I am doing the ‘how'(know that i have to find ways to let her have the space)
This may sounds totally stupid to some, but I guess that’s what I am thinking now
Anyhow, going to jog today, as promised, the daily exercies
Thanks for all the feedback again
Chau
ChauParticipantHi all
Thanks
I am glad to make this a semi-private journal, I feel quite safe here, sharing with you while remain mostly anoynomous.
Last night I called my friend who learned somatic experiencing technique. She guided me a bit which helped me feel more grounded.
She said I actually had good inner intelligence, it suddenly occured to me that I have my own flow when it comes to healing myself. Knowing the first week is tough and I let my emotions out, let the physically part(crying, sighing) be in sync with my emotion(frustration/ disappointment/ scared). And I know i had to stop somewhere, to pull mself up and stand on my feet, that is when I looked for ways to help mself such as to meditate and do aerobic exercise as Anita suggested. I did manage to had a brisk walk in the gym and meditated even after my big cry, which in retrospect, I am proud of. Proud of myself for trying hard during the challenging time.
I will definitely remember to be kind and empathetic to myself and to my partner. In fact these days when I had negative thoughts, I remembered this and i tried to think of her good. this helps lift me up. But sometime I would be scared to not think of the worst, and I am not prepared for the bad things to happen(she breaks up with me/ she lied to me), then I would have not been prepared for this. It’s so hard to find the balance, to be positive yet expects the worst.
This morning I went volunteer, I learned some sign languages and I visisted people with deaf and hearing impaired. I occured to me that my problem could actually be very small, if I let it shrink and not keep feeding it. There is this woman who is only 2 years older than me, who is suffering from mental problem, jobless, and her mother is the only person who takes care of her 24/7, scared that if she didn’t keep an eye out for her she would go out and get lost(the woman did get lost one time and spent 3 days 2 nights unable to find her way back home). This is a single parent family and they are the only person for each other.
Today I also did some shopping, my other friend said maintaining a relationship includes taking care of yourself(mentally/ physically/ outlook), I went to buy some nice new clothes which I had been sooo lazy to do. I lost the motivation to make myself look better(outlook wise), in a way I feel this is true also, if you don’t think yourself is beautiful, how would anyone think this way?
Will post again, have a good morning on your side
Chau
ChauParticipantHi all,
Just as i thought i was on the rise. I had another break down
I went home for dinner with my parents. My mom has dementia, and my greatest fear in recent years, was that she would no longer recognize me.
Today, as I was sitting on the same table with her, she mumbled ‘when is my daughter coming back for dinner’. I asked her to look at me and see who i was, and she laughed and realized she didn’t notice me. She did this twice. I held my tears until I went back to the hotel, where sadly this has become my temporarily home,and I had a massive outburst. I cried like a baby just now, even worse than the night when my on-a-break partner did not respond to my question of whether she still likes me or not.
i tried to ground myself after the cry. I so wanted to call her just now, she knows this is my greatest fear in the recent years, too bad I couldn’t
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita and all
I am browsing other topics and I saw other people suddenly fall out of love as well.
Reading them helped me recognize the suffering they are going through, which is probably the things my partner is going through now.
My conclusion so far, for this situation is:
I understand she is suffering and lost and frustrated, i know she sees me having quality as a life long partner but she needs time to think if we can adjusted to the ups and downs in the long term relationship. Falling out of love makes her very confused as on one hand she sees my qualities, on the other hand she is, falling out of love.
” I wish she could tell me earlier” , this popped up in my head. I think this is the exact same thing I said, when I shared about her almost 6 years ago, about her not telling me about her ex. This probably needs to be addressed if we stay together, even if we break up, she has to think about it on her own how this is affecting her relationship as well(not that I can control if this is the case). I think if she tells me on her own, rather than wait for me to ask whether she likes me and went silence, this could have made me feel way better.
Other than that, I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared, she takes my emotions as her responsibilities and it seems those are too heavy for her. But in fact, my emotions should be mainly my responsibilities, and I will take that as my duty instead.
I did sink in that you mentioned relationship can be an aim. If i aim for her as a life long partner, then we have to do something(compromise/ sacrifice / pay effort) to make this work. With no consistent work, things may fall apart again
Thanks all, good morning to me and goodnight to you all
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for asking. Chau/ Clara are both fine, people address me both ways.
It happened I just registered a mediation app called ‘balance’. I will start small and may be have daily mediation session.
I used to run marathon and subsequently trail running a couple of years ago, those are one of my ‘lightest’ years, emotionally and physically . I stopped because of some injur,ies may be it is a good idea to resume
I do yoga regularly indeed. I actually am interested in Tai Chi. I always wanted to try but never had a chance, but may be I should
I have some basic idea about CBT. I was writing journal since day 1 of the break, instead of just scribbing may be involving CBT is a good idea.
It’s getting late on my side, have a goodnight/ morning to you.
Chau
ChauParticipantHi Anita,
I am not aware of what practice is available, if you can shed some light that would be awesome
Thank you
Chau
ChauParticipantthanks all
just now during work i missed her so much all of a sudden.
its such a roller coaster ride to have fear anger sad etcetc and the feeling the love for someone and missing that person dearly
I tried to catch myself, asking myself to calm down. distracted myself and tried to go back to work
I tried to treat this as my exercise, but the emotional ride is exhausting phew
Chau
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