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Chau
ParticipantHello Helcat
Thanks. With our different natures I think sometime it takes time for me to understand what she really wants and thinking. I think she has a different operating system. While not knowing or understanding, i can only trust and respect, such as to give her the space she needs.
She is a slower pace person so I can see why she is doing this. but like what you said, it is difficult to imagine how she feels now because i may be skewed towards ‘no break up’. I am not objective at all.
I do expect things will pick up very slowly, even if she wants to try it again. i don’t expect myself move back immediately anyways even if so. Just to make it a slow start, if, we ever start over again
Thanks for the love and best wishes. Same to you
Chau
ParticipantHello Anita and Helcat,
Thanks you. I will try to remember to act out of love. I guess the whole thing is a bit out of my comprehension. I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship(or any other motive). The actions do not add up.
If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities(including yesterday, I kind of prepared for the worst yesterday), or, we can definitely set an earlier date to end this rather than make it the end of the month, if it’s exactly one month it will be 20th, but not 27th. I even mentioned this was very challenging in practice to wait for a month( i assume if you do want to break up then you don’t want to wait also?and no need to deliberately prolong the suffering of someone else if you don’t think the benefit of the longer separation prevails?)But she said she was slow and she needed time to think things through. Plus she said she and I are not dating any other person during this period, so we are still partner in her mind. she even texted me afterwards for giving her this space.
if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday. She did not seem to really want to share much, and this is also weird given we haven’t talked for a whole week(and we lived together before that). I did ask if anything came up but she said she would share at the end of month.
It seems the space and time itself, is doing something and she wants them.
Anyways, I should stop thinking the ‘why’. I will never get to know until the end of the month (given she has thought through and know it also) This is out of my comprehension given I do not have more information.
The family issue did impact me quite a bit, so I had been very insecure as a person for a majority part of my adulthood. I don’t think they deliberately peeped, it just happened my mom was oblivious. That uncle passed away and I don’t think he meant evil either. It kind of just happened, but then it made me feel very insecure.
Thanks all for listening, good morning on your side when you see this
Clara
Chau
ParticipantDear Anita
I see my issue, from this incidence, is that I tend to overreact and often the overreacting is the second arrow of suffering in Buddhist’s saying. If I could clarify this earlier, or ideally on spot, then i wouldn’t have endured this week’s suffering as much as I had.
Catching the monkey mind requires a very good reflection of what I am feeling, and skills to catch it. it’s not easy but I guess I can try to detach myself instead of immersing myself in those emotions, which I was for the past week. Although I do empathize myself since this is still very upsetting to hear your partner grow apart , but afterall, not everyone is a buddha or saint so I guess my reaction is pretty normal.
Throughout the years I have learned not to expect your family to be the family that you wish for. We are blood related but that does not mean they are the ones who can understand you or give you comfort that you look for. I also learned that I am the only person who has the gift and opportunities to cultivate my knowledge and wisdom, so I kind of asked myself to take a more heavy responsibilities in terms of the relationship with my family.
don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear- this is so true, for now I am a bit scared of what will happen, but if I want to pursue love, this fear needs to be addressed and contained or even elimiated
Thanks Anita and all
Clara
Chau
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you, your words reminded me to think more clearly about the situation indeed. I really shouldn’t just ignore all my needs and push myself to this point where I stick to the one month at all cost. This may just create resentment at the end if not properly addressed , if I don’t have a clear-head I may just blame her for all of these and forget that each relationship has two sides. So yes, voice out clearly does help to make this all more workable. Even if she does not agree or does not respond, I have done my part.
The reading does resonate. Probably because my past relationships were not successful, and as a child, there was no personal space for myself(I shared flat with a big families). I still remember the window of my bathroom was broken, and I often am scared someone on the other side would be able to peep, my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in(the door often has no lock) while I was showering, I remember there was one time an uncle was outside and I think he saw me shower, and I remembered I tried to use a towel to cover myself. Thinking of these make me feel a bit insecure still.
I understand it is the lack of knowledge in my parents’ generation, and probably they grew up that way which caused them oblivious of how impactful these seemingly minor things can harm to a child.
I think these are some of the root causes of my insecurity. I reviewed them before but I think i never actually did anything to deal with them, just did the first step to acknowledge of these incidences that happened before. I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what i was angry or irritated about. I reconciled with my parents(primarily I decided on the reconciliation and forgive and let things go cause nth was talked about), and I have a good relationship with them now. Just that I don’t think they know what I have been through, and I don’t think they would understand what it was.
So yea, I think I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger(with them and myself aware of it, conscious of it or not).
i will try to look at the books you recommend as well
Have a goodnight
Chau
Participanti confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up—> not broke up
Chau
Participanthi all
she responded quite quickly. we had a phone call.
I told her two things
1) i told her about the incidence of my mom, and i refrained myself from contacting her. while i allowed her to text me if something major happened, i didnt allow myself to do the same. I said i wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens. in my mind we sre still together, and with such big thing i woild really want to talk to her, to which she agreed immediately
2) i asked for specific date when we will talk .about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of jul
i confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up. and i confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else.
i shared with her i did a lot of soul searching, inseurity did come up but i tried to treat it as my homework to prepare for the relationship.
overall, i think this has settled my mind better. to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining myself
thanks everyone
Chau
Participantthank you
i just sent her a message this morning
just as anita suggested i said there are things which are unclear to me, and i want to clarify and discuss with her, if she is ok
i tried to make it factual and clear, and ask if she is ok to talk
will update if she responds
thanks all
Clara
Chau
Participant<p style=”text-align: left;”>i think i did not expect her to contacr me anytime, my source of suffering is my ruminating thought of what would happen after this</p>
even so, by expecting myself not contating her whatever happeend and her able to do so to me, this is not a right expectationI will initiate a talk with her to clarify
thanks all
Chau
Participantthe logistic , the date the time etc needs to be sorted out
Chau
Participanthi all
i think you are right
i was a bit too cruel to myself and not contacted her, even something bad happened last thur
i think it is legit to reach out to her , to say that the expectation does not aligh( i cant contact her and i gave her the allowance verbally), evidented by my mom’s situation( and that hurts)
and if we were to continue with this break the logistic, i may need the agreememt to reach out if needed. or we just end things directly may be better
this seems less cruel to myself also
Clara
Chau
Participanti am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because i said it she could contact me, so that may make her think if she does not contact me, then i cannot contact her even if its after a month? thanks
Chau
Participantdear anita
it was a no contact break so far. we talked about no contact, and it was only right before i left i became a bit emotional, and said she could contact me if there is anything. so far, she didnt.
at that time, i asked her to take a rest and think if she can clear her mind of the “feeling” she has for me(and whether she has it or not), and we can discuss based ok that after a month
but the logistic(exact date etc) were not properly addressed
Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
that is true
I said it before I left the house, I was emotional and did not think through, afterall she was the one who needed it so i was thinking she could be the one who ends it, even earlier
any suggestion on what can be done? I mean obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact. Probably address the logistic when it is closer?
Clara
Chau
ParticipantNow i do realize we did it a bit hasty, we said it on sat, then on sun i already moved away. I feel a lot of the logistics were not properly addressed. Other than the date and whether we still keep in touch during this period of time
Clara
Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
We just said review in a month, and i did tell her to contact me in between if she wants to talk with me earlier(she needed the break afterall). Didn’t say who would contact who
Clara
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