Hi Anita,

Thank you, your words reminded me to think more clearly about the situation indeed. I really shouldn’t just ignore all my needs and push myself to this point where I stick to the one month at all cost. This may just create resentment at the end if not properly addressed ,  if I don’t have a clear-head I may just blame her for all of these and forget that each relationship has two sides. So yes, voice out clearly does help to make this all more workable. Even if she does not agree or does not respond, I have done my part.

The reading does resonate. Probably because my past relationships were not successful, and as a child, there was no personal space for myself(I shared flat with a big families). I still remember the window of my bathroom was broken, and I often am scared someone on the other side would be able to peep, my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in(the door often has no lock) while I was showering, I remember there was one time an uncle was outside and I think he saw me shower, and I remembered I tried to use a towel to cover myself. Thinking of these make me feel a bit insecure still.

I understand it is the lack of knowledge in my parents’ generation, and probably they grew up that way which caused them oblivious of how impactful these seemingly minor things can harm to a child.

I think these are some of the root causes of my insecurity. I reviewed them before but I think i never actually did anything to deal with them, just did the first step to acknowledge of these incidences that happened before. I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what i was angry or irritated about. I reconciled with my parents(primarily I decided on the reconciliation and forgive and let things go cause nth was talked about), and I have a good relationship with them now. Just that I don’t think they know what I have been through, and I don’t think they would understand what it was.

So yea, I think I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger(with them and myself aware of it, conscious of it or not).

i will try to look at the books you recommend as well

Have a goodnight

hi all

she responded quite quickly. we had a phone call.

I told her two things

1) i told her about the incidence of my mom, and i refrained myself from contacting her. while i allowed her to text me if something major happened, i didnt allow myself to do the same. I said i wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens. in my mind we sre still together, and with such big thing i woild really want to talk to her, to which she agreed immediately

2) i asked for specific date when we will talk .about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of jul

i confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up. and i confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else.

i shared with her i did a lot of soul searching, inseurity did come up but i tried to treat it as my homework to prepare for the relationship.

overall, i think this has settled my mind better. to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining myself

thanks everyone

<p style=”text-align: left;”>i think i did not expect her to contacr me anytime, my source of suffering  is my ruminating thought of what would happen after this</p>
even so, by expecting myself not contating her whatever happeend and her able to do so to me, this is not a right expectation

I will initiate a talk with her to clarify

thanks all

hi all

i think you are right

i was a bit too cruel to myself and not contacted her, even something bad happened last thur

i think it is legit to reach out to her , to say that the expectation does not aligh( i cant contact her and i gave her the allowance verbally), evidented by my mom’s situation( and that hurts)

and if we were to continue with this break the logistic, i may need the agreememt to reach out if needed. or we just end things directly may be better

this seems less cruel to myself also

Clara

dear anita

it was a no contact break so far. we talked about no contact, and it was only right before i left i became a bit emotional, and said she could contact me if there is anything. so far, she didnt.

at that time, i asked her to take a rest and think if she can clear her mind of the “feeling” she has for me(and whether she has it or not), and we can discuss based ok that after a month

but the logistic(exact date etc) were not properly addressed

Now i do realize we did it a bit hasty, we said it on sat, then on sun i already moved away. I feel a lot of the logistics were not properly addressed. Other than the date and whether we still keep in touch during this period of time

Clara

Hi Anita

Or may be things were that bad or no other alternative, when I first brought it up. But somehow, here we are and we are doing this (torturing to each other i assume, I recognize she must not be feeling good right now also)

Clara

Hi all

Thanks

I am glad to make this a semi-private journal, I feel quite safe here, sharing with you while remain mostly anoynomous.

Last night I called my friend who learned somatic experiencing technique. She guided me a bit which helped me feel more grounded.

She said I actually had good inner intelligence, it suddenly occured to me that I have my own flow when it comes to healing myself. Knowing the first week is tough and I let my emotions out, let the physically part(crying, sighing) be in sync with my emotion(frustration/ disappointment/ scared). And I know i had to stop somewhere, to pull mself up and stand on my feet, that is when I looked for ways to help mself such as to meditate and do aerobic exercise as Anita suggested. I did manage to had a brisk walk in the gym and meditated even after my big cry, which in retrospect, I am proud of. Proud of myself for trying hard during the challenging time.

I will definitely remember to be kind and empathetic to myself and to my partner. In fact these days when I had negative thoughts,  I remembered this and i tried to think of her good. this helps lift me up. But sometime I would be scared to not think of the worst, and I am not prepared for the bad things to happen(she breaks up with me/ she lied to me), then I would have not been prepared for this. It’s so hard to find the balance, to be positive yet expects the worst.

This morning I went volunteer, I learned some sign languages and I visisted people with deaf and hearing impaired. I occured to me that my problem could actually be very small, if I let it shrink and not keep feeding it. There is this woman who is only 2 years older than me, who is suffering from mental problem, jobless, and her mother is the only person who takes care of her 24/7, scared that if she didn’t keep an eye out for her she would go out and get lost(the woman did get lost one time and spent 3 days 2 nights unable to find her way back home). This is a single parent family and they are the only person for each other.

Today I also did some shopping, my other friend said maintaining a relationship includes taking care of yourself(mentally/ physically/ outlook), I went to buy some nice new clothes which I had been sooo lazy to do. I lost the motivation to make myself look better(outlook wise), in a way I feel this is true also, if you don’t think yourself is beautiful, how would anyone think this way?

Will post again, have a good morning on your side

Chau