Hi Reagan,

I can’t say I’m an expert on any of this. I’m not too much older than you in fact, but I felt the need to reply. I’ll do my best.

First of all, let me say that even being on this forum is an incredible thing. I wish I had been focused on this stuff in high school. Haha. 🙂 On that note, if you haven’t started to explore books on the subject of mindfulness, I highly recommend them. I first began with The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which is a fairly easy read with a ton of great information and ideas. From there you can explore other teachers/authors that speak to you.

Second, I hear you saying that you’re feeling depressed and alone, but that you don’t want to be. While easier said than done, I have found in my own life that it is best to be open to any and all emotions. I like to think I have control over every emotion or thought that passes through me, but it couldn’t be less true. I suggest doing your best to let yourself feel the depression/the loneliness and just breathe. Focus on the breathing. Only the breathing. Create space for you to be depressed and lonely instead of trying to push those feelings away.

One of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s practices is called “non-striving”, where he talks about meditation and that you must do it without trying to achieve any goal. My best advice is to not think about things as “how they should be”, but rather doing your best to accept everything that comes your way. That includes thoughts and emotions and physically how you feel in your body. I know it doesn’t seem like you’re “doing” much when you practice this way, but I personally feel that it is the core idea around mindfulness.

I hope some of that helps you. I personally believe that everyone and everything is connected. Whenever I feel alone, I go sit next to a tree or out in nature and remind myself that I don’t need a text from someone telling me they care, I just need to be there for that tree, because maybe it was feeling lonely too. 🙂

Best wishes!