Hi Reagan,

I can’t say I’m an expert on any of this. I’m not too much older than you in fact, but I felt the need to reply. I’ll do my best.

First of all, let me say that even being on this forum is an incredible thing. I wish I had been focused on this stuff in high school. Haha. 🙂 On that note, if you haven’t started to explore books on the subject of mindfulness, I highly recommend them. I first began with The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which is a fairly easy read with a ton of great information and ideas. From there you can explore other teachers/authors that speak to you.

Second, I hear you saying that you’re feeling depressed and alone, but that you don’t want to be. While easier said than done, I have found in my own life that it is best to be open to any and all emotions. I like to think I have control over every emotion or thought that passes through me, but it couldn’t be less true. I suggest doing your best to let yourself feel the depression/the loneliness and just breathe. Focus on the breathing. Only the breathing. Create space for you to be depressed and lonely instead of trying to push those feelings away.

One of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s practices is called “non-striving”, where he talks about meditation and that you must do it without trying to achieve any goal. My best advice is to not think about things as “how they should be”, but rather doing your best to accept everything that comes your way. That includes thoughts and emotions and physically how you feel in your body. I know it doesn’t seem like you’re “doing” much when you practice this way, but I personally feel that it is the core idea around mindfulness.

I hope some of that helps you. I personally believe that everyone and everything is connected. Whenever I feel alone, I go sit next to a tree or out in nature and remind myself that I don’t need a text from someone telling me they care, I just need to be there for that tree, because maybe it was feeling lonely too. 🙂

Best wishes!

I am in my 40s now. It sounds like my situation was similar to yours. I started college at a young age but even when I was with kids my age, I just couldn’t relate. My mother raised me and I consider her a very sour person. She is bitter about everything. I tried to remove people from my life who weren’t good for me, like so called friends who would be mean to me or others, and I found that I was much more alone than I wanted to be. There were other factors that left me feeling like an outsider. My family is ‘old money’ but my mother was extremely poor. I didn’t fit in around either group. A few years ago I found myself living in a very rural community. The landscape was beautiful. There just wasn’t anyone who I could make friends with. The handful of neighbors within 20 miles all had to work full time out, out of town jobs to get by. None had any significant college education or were very creative. Those are the types of people I connect with. I enjoy higher thought. Small talk isn’t my thing. I had to learn that about myself and accept my differences as differences, not failures. I have the luxury of being home full time unlike most of my peers. Eventually it got to me and I had to change my location. I am in the city now but haven’t been able to make a real connection. I am working at it. My best advice is to remember that situations are temporary. You will eventually be able to distance yourself from your parents fighting. Even if you find yourself alone again, you can change where you are and who you associate with. It may take time, but you can craft your own life. It sounds like you want your parents or someone to understand how you feel. They may not be able to. My mother has a very hard time understanding me on every level. I have to find that with others or within myself.

Also remember that at your age, hormones are shifting and all that. You may be more emotionally sensitive at this time. Things really stabilized for me in my 20s. The thirties were pretty good too. I’m not so much liking my 40s.