Hi Again Everyone – I did have some communication with my ex and was just looking for some guidance and help. i initiated the conversation after she mentioned she was sending me a birthday gift.

She said she doesn’t even know how she got to where she is, nor did she expect it. She said that as things got serious, she got scared. She didn’t know whether it was the relationship or the fact that she didn’t have a chance to live for herself over the past 5 years because of her cancer, her son and school. She said the relationship, school, everything was too much and she needed a break. Needed to learn how to cope again. She feels stuck during this last month of school because she knows she needs to work on so much and get some help.

I let her know that i needed to move on for my mental well being, not that i wanted to, but she needs to work through this. I needed to tell her that because in my mind, i told her I’d wait. I told her I had no regrets, such positive memories and that the door is wide open she should want to reconnect later. It was an emotional conversation for both of us which happened partially over phone and over e-mail. She said she wished she had a crystal ball and could tell if she was making a mistake, but this felt best now. She wished that i would stay in her life and can only i hope i will be at some point. That being said, she understood why i couldn’t have a friendship.

My birthday was Friday and her family and her sent me a gift. She even took the time to call me friday and wish me a happy birthday. That meant a lot to me as it happened after these conversations.

Last before my question, i had mentioned that at some point we will need to get her stuff out of my home. She said “its just not something i can even think about right now.” I almost took that comment as the stuff here is her last piece tying to me.

I guess where i am struggling is that I keeping having this thoughts and hopes that she will come back to me down the line. I I fear that i will meet someone else and then she will call. I wonder if i will be fair when i date again to a new person? The process of letting go and fear of the down the road is hard. All that being said, I’m so happy about how our relationship ended. We ended on good terms. We both still love each other. We both care about each other’s happiness but we both care about our own mental help. I am appreciative of all the great memories we had. I struggle wondering if i should shoot a message to her every few weeks or just go cold turkey?  I know putting myself first is best for me just as putting herself is best for her.

Sorry for such a long winded post but your help and guidance has been very helpful thus far.

Craig

Anita/Craig – No, i said i would give her time and space to figure out herself, figure out the stress.  I didn’t promise that my feelings would remain nor was there a set time on anything.  I think she is struggling with so much right now that she just doesn’t know what direction she wants to go in anything not just our relationship. I think as Craig said, I can be there gently or be available but i think for my own well being, letting go is what may be best.  I don’t want to live in purgatory and have constant questions of what may or may not be.  Ultimately, if she finds she wants to be with me, at that time i would have to consider how i feel then and ultimately see what she learned during this time.

Craig

Anita – I do  think that the pressure to try to balance everything did stress her out and i wasn’t a relief.  She couldn’t quit school,  she can’t stop being a mom and she can’t stop working, so cutting me out gave her some control. She made a comment that when she gets stressed she tries to pick little fights and she didn’t want to do that to me. I guess i should mention that i was in a very unhealthy relationship prior to her.  My ex-finance became a new person immediately after we got engaged.  She was later diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder.  Fast forward to today when we broke up a few weeks ago she said she didn’t want to treat me bad, to drag me down with her.  She mentioned she was not suicidal nor did she want to harm herself.  I’m assuming she said that because my ex had attempted suicide multiple times.  A week later she said that her distance from me was a coping mechanism because she didn’t want to have the guilt of dragging me down.

As far as getting real, I mean.  School is almost done and that is all she knows for a long while.  After that, our relationship would have the chance to grow even more given that she doesn’t have to go to school every weekend.

Craig