One last thought,
I do realize that blaming myself so many times and thus staying unhappy and unsatisfied has created the habit of me thinking I may always be sad/ unsatisfied. It is hard to differentiate the fact that I have to look after myself and sometimes I may be victimizing myself, as I used to think I was a victim for very long. I think it is one of the reasons my depression and anxiety came about, because I was in need of change, and so were the people around me. In need of respecting myself, and in need of honesty and strength to keep on moving, Life is all about change. I have decided concretely since last year, that pushing myself out of my comfort zone would be my “comfort zone”.

One thing I find so hard though, is that I have always wanted to make others happy (to some extent I wanted people to do the same for me), rather help them to BE happy I must say. I obviously cannot change anyone. What is hard and sad is that many people will stay in their comfort zone, but will not accept change and will never really want to be happy. What is hard is that sometimes I feel helpless about that, I used to say I found it unfair. But as my friend put it well, I am not mother Theresa, even more so, I am not God and am not all-mighty. It’s hard though to ignore it when people are making fake problems as I used to think I owed to help everyone. I do not know if it makes much sense or really resonates with the previous posts. But those things I have just described are so important to me.

By the way, I hope you have a nice walk. Thank you for your help ! It is much appreciated.

Well, my father was the person I was closest too but talking about emotions was always something really hard. Same with my siblings.
I feel like what I was shut out of what I needed most and understood best in my life: emotions. Maybe I partially did that to myself as I was always there for others, I have always been very supportive but always shut myself out as I was ashamed and scared of opening up to anyone.

The thing I am wondering is why my last relationship lasted so shortly, we did like each other very much but I know my mental health issues put a lot of pressure on both of us, not that I am the only one responsible in the situation.

I sometimes feel like I am searching for the impossible, ie emotional support from my mother.
Although I do realize two of my friends have always been very supportive although they have mental health issues or their family members have.

The reason why I am saying everyone focuses so much on my family history is that I feel like I’ve been able to detangle everything and finally have realized what was dragging me down, at least I have understood it better than any of my relatives. I do love my family but they are very overwhelming and do no have a balance between friends, family, job etc. They all live close to each other and are not able to see the bigger picture. I am tired of being suffocated by my family and I want to move on from so many years of “oppression”, although they did take care of us and I grew up with most of my cousins. I just feel like I share very little values with most of my uncles and aunts, my cousins but the one I was raised with. And even them do not make much effort to make contact with me.

* ths relationship with my sister is complicated as I am one of the only persons who has challenged her balance(really imbalanced though). She’s put on a lot on her shoulders, mostly shows her nice face(happy/ sometimes sad) to others but when it comes to our close family she lets out all her frustration on us. It did impact my self-condidence and self-love a lot as a child as she was one of my biggest figures of authority and thus did not realuze what she was saying did not reflect who I was really. Noone has ever really told her that she did not have to be so ‘responsible’ (she thought she should be bossy to replace our mother), not even my father as they both supported each other’s balance. I am not holding a grudge against them but I see where my insecuritues came from. Now that I am mature enough to distinguish myself from others, I have started questionning my sister’s behaviour and the fact that she would impose her views on everything in my close family. I on the other hand am more likely to listen to others but realized last year that I should start listening to myself too, and not just the small voice emphasizing all my flaws whether existant or not.

I lost my mother when I was very young. My older sister took on quite a lot of the responsibility of looking after my brother and I, thus our relationships are fairly complicated but I think she is finally letting go of that burden. Regarding my father, I think he’s never felt like he had proper support since the death of my mother. My mother’s family imposed themseleves and what they thought would be best for us although they themselves did not know what was best for them.

I know I am quite similar to my mother and so is the rest of my family as we are very independent, some people say we are “free”. I guess what I took on from my mother is my caring trait and my frankness. I have very few memories of her but those reflect her caring character, for other people and animals.

My father’s girlfriend it seems, has never been happy and she already has a history of finding partners that would be “responsible” for her. My father is quite devoted to her so it has taken him a long time to realise the relationship was just one-way. I genuinely have try to like his girlfriend but felt from the beginning it was dragging my father down rather than pushing him up. That again, I am not the only to see. And I want him to be happy so did not want to spit on the relationship. Whatsoever I know he’ll never find someone like my mother but I know he can find someone who will correspond to him.
It just seems sometimes that I am so sensitive that I understand really well people’s behaviours, therefore when I talk with my father, he realizes things in people that I’ve known forever. That is why it is quite hard to find someone who can emotionally support me as I barely know anyone who’s got similar acute emotional senses. And it is hard for other people to understand my sensitivity, but I do not blame them for that.