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ConnieParticipant
Hello Anita
thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. Looking back now I do agree with you that the email was manipulative and was trying to make me at fault that I should take the whole responsibility for our breakup. And I DID! I told him and reassured him several times that I was determined to get better and make changes for our relationship. He never responds to any of my “getting back together”, nor “is it really over?” type of messages.
However, I do not understand why he had to do this – to guilt trip me. All I was asking was just a clear answer and clean cut so we could both have closure to move on in separate ways.
I feel he keeps giving me mixed signals to lead me on while he is trying to figure out what he should do next/before he is fully recovered from the breakup. If that’s the case, he’s really selfish.
Everything was great the day before we broke up. We had a really nice videochat for two hours straight. We talked about so many random things, laughed so much. A week before we became separate, he was still telling me almost everyday that he loved me so much, reassuring me that we would survived the long distance… I just don’t understand.. if he really loved me as he said, how can he lead me on like this? Maybe deep inside he is upset for all the pain I have caused him? Maybe he doesn’t want to be the bad guy? Maybe he’s too coward to take the responsibility? I don’t know…
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipantHello Anita
yes, the summary is all correct. What are your thoughts?
FYI, I replied his “I miss you” email after two days saying “I am well, thanks. How are you?” then he went unanswered again. However, taking his recent contact frequency into consideration, I really do not see/hope he will get back to me anytime soon.
ConnieParticipantHello Eliana
I agree with you. If he wants me back, he will try harder.
As you suggested, I responded with a friendly greeting eventually and decided not to keep my hopes up anymore.
ConnieParticipantAfter 10 days of not hearing back from him, despite me trying so hard to reach him, to explain to him that I didn’t want our relationship to end, I gave up the idea of getting back together.
Just when I decided to cut off everything and move on, my ex who went on silent for almost a month finally initiated contact by sending me an email telling me he missed me tremendously.
It was just a really simple email. I don’t know what his intention was honestly. He wanted to get back or he was just lonely? No doubt it was a huge step he took post breakup.
Though I still love him a lot and deep inside me I do want him back, I am so afraid of getting hurt again that he will not respond if I write him back.
However, I also don’t want to give him the false feeling that I am done with him by ignoring his email.
Any suggestions?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipant– Rox
I want to thank you very much for your sincere words. I have read your posts can totally understand everything you went through.
You are right, love is never begged. I did so much crying, begging and stuff that I didn’t even like myself anymore. Every word in your reply is so powerful. I have decided to let go and set myself free, to love myself and find happiness.
– Macy
I have done a lot of thinking and realized closure has to come from myself. Ever since we broke up, I have tried my best to make it so easy for him to come back. Maybe the fight was his last straw. Maybe he didn’t want to continue this relationship with long distance. There are so many possible reasons. But one thing is for sure – he doesn’t want it anymore and I can’t allow myself to be led on.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipantHello Katie
I was like you. When I started dating my current ex (I still don’t want to acknowledge the break-up), I was constantly thinking If I made myself too available or questioned myself whether he was really into me, how much he loved me, or stuff like that.
We eventually broke apart because of my anxiety. Because no matter how much he tried or how many times he reassured me everything’s good, I just felt it was never enough. I had to constantly break up with him and push him away for him to come back and tell me he truly wanted to be with me.
I regret it everyday for being so immature but I have also learned that this kind of anxiety was too overwhelming that got out of my control.
I have started practicing mindfulness and it helps me realize that thoughts are only thoughts, fears are a form of thoughts, too. Oftentimes they are not how things are or will develop to be. The more you fear the more you push things away. Please keep in mind that you have to find your own happiness, meaning that you are happy with or without him. Find your happiness and peace within, then the person you spend life with is just another one to share things with. Do not get caught in your thought. Live in the moment, with or without his presence. Thats the only way this relationship can keep going. I know you can’t help but feel anxious. Try to find your own happiness! Thats what I would do if I were you! I lost the man I really love and I am speaking from my experience. Hope this helps.
ConnieParticipantMacy
Thank you for the reply.
This is why it’s been so difficult for me to let go. Everything was great right before we broke up. We were talking about making trips, visiting his parents overseas, getting married and some other life plans, etc. I didn’t feel he was pulling away. The day before we broke up, we had a really nice chat on FaceTime for two hours straight. How things have developed is totally out of the blue to be honest.
Like every couple, we have had our issues and worked really hard to over come those obstacles. Some couples take shorter time, some longer, and I guess we are one of the longer ones. The day we had fight, he felt that our problems/issues never got resolved and we were not making progress as a couple.
His silence makes me wonder if it’s just his coward way to deal with our breakup, which I really don’t understand, either. He’s a very straight forward person, sometimes even too straight to hurt other people’s feelings.
I just hoped so much that we could have one last peaceful talk to end things together. He means a lot to me and we have had so much together. I really can’t pretend nothing ever happened and let go.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipantHello Eliana
I really do hope that’s the case, that he’s not trying to punish me.
I have told him several times that I do not want to break up and even sent him an email expressing how regretful I am to break up with him (since he said I was the one who ultimate wanted this) and asked him for another chance.Maybe he’s also deeply in hurt and afraid of getting hurt again. He never lets me know if we have another chance. I also have suffered from his silent, whether he does it intentionally or not.
In my last email I tried to be positive, telling him I had been doing well and still loved him and cared about him. The ball is in his court now. As you said, let him take the lead.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipantWhen it comes to giving silent treatment as a punishment, I wonder if they are actually aware of the fact that they are punishing people.
I discussed this with him many times in the past that I felt his silent was a punishment for me. He said that he wasn’t trying to punish me but needed some time to clear his head. I used to beg him to come back when he ignored me, telling him that I couldn’t live without him and perhaps my begging was the fuel that kept his silent going.
My last email to him
_________________________________
What I ultimately want is finding peace and happiness within, then being able to make people I care about, including you, happy. I did not and do not want to break up.
I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I have been using sources to reflect/practice myself and feeling really calm and peaceful already. I would like to share my improvements with you, if possible.
I still care about you a lot and do not want to see you suffer, not at all. I want you to be happy, too! My heart is still with you.
Nevertheless, please take good care of yourself and slow down a bit if you are too stressed out. “YOU” are the most important asset. Without you, those success and wealth will be pointless. There are a lot of people who truly care about and love you, including me.
If you still want to visit me, you will be more than welcome!
_______________________________
I got tired of begging him and crying. He’s a workaholic and doesn’t have many friends. All I wanted to do was to send him some positive energy and hope this helps him realize that blaming or punishing each other is not a solution to a better relationship. I also feel I have done the most part on my end. The rest will be his.
ConnieParticipantI think and understand that he’s trying to punish me.
Whether he’s punishing me or just crying for help, the only response I should give him is to show him love and stop beating myself up. I want to be someone who has peace and happiness within. That’s the only way I can make people happy.
ConnieParticipantHello Anita,
I tend to get verbally abusive when I am upset. I told him that I wanted to break up several times because I couldn’t feel he cared for me. That was my insecurity issue and I pushed him away in oder for him to come back and reassure things. But I never wanted to break up. It’s just when I am angry, I can’t control whatever comes out of my mouth 🙁 (thats why I have decided to start practicing mindfulness.)The reason he felt that breaking up was something I ultimately wanted was probably because I had mentioned it many times in the past.
The argument caused the break-up:
He was upset that I called him too many times and texted him saying I didn’t feel he cared for me. (I did that because I waited for 8 hours for him to call/text me back. It was our first week of long-distance, I was really insecure)
He told me he felt he was trying hard to check on me but it was never enough and would stop texting me in the future. I then asked him how he would like to keep communication in the future. He just said he would stop doing anything. I asked him what we should do. He replied “have a good night.”
I said “then I guess that’s it.”
He “What? so you want to break up again? better that way?”
I said no. He then said he didn’t want to argue with me because he had a really rough day.
I asked him “is it over? do you want to break up?” He said “sure.” “if you have to ask, then yes”
I tried calling him to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t pick up my calls and texted me back “if you keep calling me, I will block your number,” but soon apologized he didn’t want to be rude and just wanted to avoid drama.
At this point, I should have left him alone but I didn’t. I told him to block my number. I did this because I couldn’t stop the urge to keep calling him, so I figured perhaps for him to block me temporary could leave both of us some quiet time. He didn’t block my number but I was exhausted from the drama so I left him alone eventually.
I felt I tried to communicate with him but all he did was shutting me out. I also know I should have controlled my temper better and really listened to what he wanted, but I didn’t. I just let my emotions explode till it was too late.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
ConnieParticipantHello all,
I checked my email and noticed that I sent me an email couple of days ago. it’s an email responding to my request asking him to take care of my possessions at his house:
_______________________________
You are very welcome, and ok, of course, I am and always will be there for you with anything. Just let me know and I will ship your stuff to wherever you need.
These last couple weeks have been so hellish and very difficult for me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t focus on anything, and can only think of you. Everything reminds me of you and I think of you literally every moment of every hour, every day, literally. I feel like I’m in prison, in a way, and the only freedom is being close to you, but I know that can’t happen and it is killing me. I can’t even imagine talking to or being with anyone else. Sux.
I really, really, really hope you are happy. I’m constantly wondering what you may be up to or what you are doing in Taiwan or I have something I’d want to share with you, but then realize our predicament and know that you ultimately want this.
I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want, and will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested.I hope you are well. You are beautiful, intelligent, young and energetic, and have the whole world in your palm.
_______________________________What I ultimately want is not breaking up but finding peace and happiness within.
It hurts me to see him suffer, but I don’t know how to respond to him. Maybe it’s better to leave him alone so he can move on?
Honestly, this email give me the hope that we might get back together, or I am just thinking too much?ConnieParticipantHi all,
Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. I understand the key is to learn from the experience.
I have signed up a program and started practicing mindfulness. Hopefully this will help me with my emotion control in the future 🙂
ConnieParticipantHello all,
thanks for the feedback. I understand we are really broken up this time. He just wanted to get out of the loop that things never progressed and our issues never got resolved. The email he sent me was really clear, I just chose to interpret in a different way, hoping there’s still a chance.
I feel bad for not being able to control my temper. When I am really upset I tend to be verbally abusive (telling him I wanted to break up and I hated him, etc.) Of course I never wanted to break up with him and I didn’t hate him. But I wasn’t happy. I felt my insecurity was swallowing me that I had to push him away in hope that he would come back to reassure things’d be okay no matter what.
I miss him so much and I know he’s trying to move on that’s why he won’t get back in touch with me (and that hurts me even more.) He was a great boyfriend, yet I ruined our relationship. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself and move on.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Connie.
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