Forum Replies Created
I have been thinking about the same thing. Maybe me trying to help and be supportive is actually enabling his condition.
I thought a lot about not trying and just focusing on myself. And actually I have been spending a lot more time with myself and my friends as well as people with positive energy. One thing that bothers me is that I am still allowing him to control how I feel. I am trying to take ownership of my emotions and stay as objective as possible – and maybe that’s what I should have been focusing on. Also, for some reason, I feel bad if I go out and have fun without him. I actually feel guilty for not being able to spend time with him. Perhaps I am just thinking and worrying too much about him.
I would like to share some updates:
this past month has been very difficult for me.
My bf and I were talking about breaking up, but I guess both of us still had a lot of feelings toward each other and we wanted to keep trying, so we came back together eventually. (There were a lot of communication, going back and forth, etc.)
He finally confessed that he’s been alcoholic since college, which is like half of his entire life. His alcoholism and depression are definitely correlated. I had gone through some alcohol withdrawal episodes with him already prior to his confession. But I never knew it was alcoholism.
Last time we talked, he told me he always felt he was loved differently by his family, he made some bad mistakes, and hence his drinking habit started and worsened.
I said I was willing to go through everything together and help him get over alcoholism. And if he wanted, we could create our own future together. He said he wanted to do that and started acting actively to change things. I was glad to see the progress he made.
But we still have some problems. Just like when we first started seeing each other, he would withdrawal himself from my for no reason periodically. Each time he withdrawal, I feel particularly sad and unloved. I addressed this issue many times with him. He said he remembered that the promises made – one of them was to never ignore me. But he didn’t have the capability to keep that when he fell into his dark hole.
He’s been sober for almost two weeks this time. But last night he got mad at me because I called him while he was asleep. I don’t know if waking him up agitated him or he was already agitated, he sounded quite upset when answering the phone. Every time when things like this happen, I can foresee he’s gonna withdrawal/ignore me for sometime again.
I have seen the pattern and become more understanding in this situation. However, I still feel hurt when it happens.
We agreed never to mention “breakup” again no matter how difficult things are. But I just can’t help but think maybe this relationship is not right for me. I am in a paradox now. Because I can’t imagine how sad we both will be if we break up. I don’t want to break up but I am not sure about what to do and how to make things better.
You’re right. There’s nothing I can do.
He told me that he needed to work on a lot of things on his personal level. And he had a lot of that he wanted to achieve career-wise so he really didn’t have the capability to be in a relationship, at least for now. I think there’s a lot going on in his mind/life.
His family only live an hour away. He had never once gone back for a visit, not thanksgiving, not on his mother’s birthday, not even when his dad had a heartache and underwent a emergency surgery.
He said he’s a very independent person. In my opinion, he just really enjoyed his solitude because, like he said, he didn’t have the capability to love, or show people his love.
I also asked him why it had to be this way, why couldn’t we work on things together. He said he didn’t know. Part of him wanted this relationship, part of him didn’t. I am sad and feeling sorry for him. But it’s the best.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Connie.
Just wanted to share some updates.
I have decided to take a break from this relationship. My boyfriend and I have been having some arguments. Some I don’t really understand why they are issues. No matter how hard I tried to comfort him, he just didn’t seem to be able to get over them.
I am getting really tired about everything: the arguments, his mood swings, and everything else. It’s been too much for me to handle. He still has a lot of doubts about himself. His low self-esteem made everything a lot worse.
He told me he’s not sure if the relationship is right and if he’s ready for a serious relationship. And it almost felt like the more I tried, the worse things became. I am afraid we would eventually grow resentment toward each other, even though we still love each other.
I asked him what he wanted to do or if he had a solution. He said he didn’t know. He became less affectionate and quiet. He admitted that he was building a wall around himself. I told him I would work through thick and thin with him and support him no matter what. But nothing has changed.
I honestly think taking a break will be nice for both of us. We need some time apart to reevaluate this relationship before we can be fully committed again. It breaks my heart that things developed this way. But I think that’s the best we can do now.
I am not sure if any suggestions can be given. I guess I just need the validation that I am doing the right thing.
Hi Anita and Mark
Thank you very much for the feedback. Both of your descriptions were really very accurate. We have had some conversations and he told me that he wanted to get better with me by his side. He said he was trying to fight his brain and needed time.
I am glad he has made some progress. He used to disappear and not respond to my texts and calls. Now he would at least check in with me regularly and let me know if he’s feeling off. Our communication has gotten better but I know we still have a long way to go. He also seemed very excited when I told him that he’s improving.
He still has a hard time accepting/loving himself, especially when I compliment him on things he doesn’t feel he deserves. I wish he knew how great of a person he is. It’s sad for me to see that he has to suffer like this, and that he doesn’t know he’s such a great person.
He also confessed that he has had depression. However, he’s not seeking professional help. He feels uncomfortable talking to people about his “problems,” and he doesn’t like taking medicine 🙁 I haven’t had a chance to make any suggestions on him going to doctors and stuff. I figured I should give him time and space to figure out what’s best for him? Or when the time’s right, I will let him know that professional help is an option that he should consider?
He promised me that he will try his best to get over depression and he wanted to be able to take care of me. I am glad that I can be a motivation in this situation. It’s just very hard on me sometimes because I feel I need to be a stronger person for him as well. We both have a lot to work on.
A bit of update:
I just discovered that my boyfriend might be suffering from depression.
It seems to me that when his emotions get overwhelming, he will start withdrawing himself from everything. We would make plans and stuff and he would have to cancel it in the last minute.
I am not sure what to do here but allow him time and space to recharge. He told me that he gives a lot to his work and people who created him. He has had abandon issues and sometimes he just feels that he needs to run away from everything.
I am trying to get used to it. But I still feel kinda hurt every time when he feels the need to shut himself off. I guess it’s just hard for me to see him having to go through everything.
He also cries a lot recently whenever we have a heart-to-heart conversation. He wants to know my past and everything. However, every time I tell him about things in my past, e.g. my past abusive relationship and my childhood unhappy experiences, or just simply the hard things I am going through life, he will have a hard time adjusting it. I am not exactly sure why he wants to know all of this because those things seem to be too much for him to take in.
We both feel we are very similar and so connected on the emotional level. It almost feels like we finally found each other that knows us so well. But at the same time, everything is so overwhelming.
Does that I said even make any sense?
- This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Connie.
Thank you for getting back to me. I had to collect my thoughts in the past week because there were too many things going on.
First of all, no, I never really asked him about his past relationships. We talked briefly about it but I couldn’t handle so much information. I told him I needed time to process his past with his exes.
He came back to me after some days of silence. In the beginning, he acted as nothing had happened. As we talked more, he started opening up and telling me he was sorry for being distant and wanting to end things when he didn’t really want to.
We talked about his insecurity and why he had to run. He said he’s a “manchild”. Having strong feelings for me was too overwhelming because he hadn’t had any feelings for so long. He forgot relationships need work and at the same time, he felt he was letting me down because he turned down my plans of going out for a date night.
I felt he had a switch. Some days he is extremely affectionate and caring, but some days it almost feels like he’s “switched off,” acting really indifferent and strange. When he gets better, he would come back and apologize because he was fully aware of what he was doing to me.
I don’t doubt his feelings for me and I have been thinking a lot. We do want the same things in the end. But perhaps we are just walking at different paces. We have a lot of things in common and always feel we are connected to each other even when we are apart. We are so similar to a point I almost feel loving him is loving myself.
I also thought about his emotional unavailability. I just realized that there are some things that switch me off as well – when he talked about his past relationships, when we get too close and it becomes overwhelming, and when I can’t respond to him after the silence. Those are the times I become emotionally unavailable. The only difference between us is that it takes me a shorter time to break my silence but my unavailability is still there.
And I forgot the fact that “relationships need work.” I used to fantasize about meeting my Mr. Right and things would work out magically and we would live happily ever after. This Mr. Right is a perfect figure that doesn’t really exist. Even if he does, am I the Ms. Right? Do I magically make his world better? Can I accept all his flaws and imperfections without any complaints or doubts?
I am still learning this person and learning myself.
Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I understand that we are all a work in progress. I think it’s just easier to blame myself when I can’t figure out why. But just like Anu said, some things just don’t work out simply because they are not meant to be.
I have done a lot of soul searching in the past 2 years and worked on myself a lot. I am finally in a place where I find peace and happiness within. I am a lot happier and more mature now. And no, I didn’t verbally abuse this man I was seeing. I gave him a lot of patience and warmth. I stayed cool and collected when he first disappeared. I didn’t blame him at all when he came back to me before he ran away again. Even when he ran away this time, I was calm and tried to communicate with him in a rational sense.
So I guess I have done everything I could. I am sad to see him go but believe the universe has a plan for us all.
Is it me not good enough?
I am not sure how someone could change from “I am so lucky to have you” to “I am not sure if I want this?”
I have heard that some men freak out when they realize they are about to lose their freedom before entering relationships. Is that the case?
Honestly, deep down I am still hoping that he would come back to me after he sorts out everything. Is that even realistic to think this way?
I can’t think straight now. I just would like to know why he changed suddently.
After making the post last Sunday, I finally heard from him hours later. He said he loved me and asked to spend time together. When we met up, he was really apologetic and told me he collapsed sometimes and needed time to be alone and isolate himself. I told him about my concerns and asked him if that ever happened again – if he felt that he needed to retreat again, make sure to let me know and communicate with me so I would know what’s going on and how to help him. He said it would never happen again and he would make sure to let me know if otherwise.
We talked a lot that night. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to move in together, had kids with me, etc. Everything seemed so wonderful.
A couple of days later, we then arrange two-night sleep-over at his place due to my housing situation. I double-checked with him making sure he’d be ok with that. He said that would not be a problem. But right before I headed to his house, he texted me that he had to cancel the sleep over because he was sweaty and gross. (It was oddly hot in our city the other day). I felt a bit off but still texted him back ok. Then he changed his mind again, telling me he had dinner ready and wanted me to come. I was really confused so I called him. He asked me if I loved him, He just felt he was sweating and felt gross. I said I didn’t mind but I wanted him to be sure about me coming over. He said yes. That night we also talked a lot and he was really affectionate.
Two days later, he shut down again. He got mad over something that’s really small. I tried calling him but he hung up on me a couple of times. At this point, the whole situation had gotten me really exhausted, and him as well.
I gave multiple attempts to try to communicate with him but we never had a real conversation. I tried to be caring and rational by letting him know I cared about him and wanted to solve the problem. But he just never seemed to have the emotional capacity to talk to me. He said everything happened too fast and too much. He felt stressed and had a second thought about us. That made me rethink the whole situation. I told him I wasn’t sure about us anymore. He said he couldn’t do this anymore. So we ended things there.
I am not really sure what happened but doubt he might have some mental disorder. Like I said I was willing to go through everything with him, but I couldn’t put my heart on the table if he’s not even sure what he wanted.
I am torn… but I will be ok.
I just wanted to update you on this. The person texted me out of the blue last week.
He was on a trip and sent a text saying he was thinking about me and wishing me well. We had stopped texting more than a month ago. I was really surprised to hear from him again. Since things kinda ended on a good note in our last encounter, I decided to text him back just to say “I am well. Hope you are well, too.”
He read the message and didn’t reply so I thought maybe he just wanted to say hi.
However, he texted me again last night telling me he was well and was busy preparing for work and stuff. We exchanged some texts here and there but nothing more.
I feel I shouldn’t be putting much thought into this and I haven’t shown much interest in finding out why he reached out to me again. And I remember that my “offer” had expired long time ago.
Well, I am not sure what I am trying to say here. Should I be straight forward and ask him what his intentions are? If so, am I making it a big deal? I don’t want to be perceived as insecure…
Thank you very much for the feedback. I have been doing pretty well. And I noticed something, I feel I am just lonely so I kinda rely on texts to feel I have a company. It can be anyone or anything we text. It sounds kinda weird to me because I seem to build a connection based on text messages?
Anyways, thanks again for the feedback.
you are right. I just had this epiphany that I can’t really force anything to happen. People always say he will come around if it’s meant to be. And I can’t agree with that more.
He’s so not worth of my time and energy. Additionally, it will be even worse if he stays around but still has eyes on other girls.
I have decided to let go because I deserve something/someone better.
Thanks for your empathetic advice. It’s been reallly helpful!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Connie.
Because the last time we met, we had this “where-we-stand” talk. He told me there were some more dates that he wanted to go on. So I said to him I could only wait three more weeks for him. And that was exactly two weeks ago.
I think I am gonna stick with my “offer.” I will only wait another week and that will be all. I am not going to initiate any convo since I made myself really clearly and there shouldn’t be anything left to say on my end.