Kinny,

It’s good to know that there’s someone that has experienced something similar and came through it. I crave attention, a lot. I don’t know why. I could get all worked up about even someone random disliking me. I’m very sensitive. But I think a lot has improved about me since I’ve come here. But I still feel so insecure about myself and because he makes me feel so safe and happy, I just can’t think of a time without him. But I do realize that he’s not always going to be there, and I will have to be ready to be without him any time. But sometimes I feel there are slight possibilities that he might be having feelings for me too. I’ve told my grandma about my feelings for him and she said that he wouldn’t be treating me so well if he didn’t have feelings for me and that I need to act mature and let him feel that I’m not that naive. Because he constantly keeps calling me a baby, he even once said that anyone that hits on me would be psycho because I’m like a kid. But I’m just 3 years younger than him, short but I look old enough, I just act kiddy. But there are other times when I feel that he has feelings for me, like from the way he looks at me sometimes. I don’t know. Maybe he has feelings for me but thinks I’m too naive? And also ignores it because he has a girlfriend, even though it’s long distance, he’s a faithful man. I just keep feeling that I might just get lucky some day.. I want him to be happy, and if he loves his girlfriend I want her to be faithful and their relationship to really work out. But what if it doesn’t? They do have problems, and recently he’s tried to tell me about it, they even broke up but I ignored the whole thing because I thought it’d give me false hopes. I was feeling really disturbed around that time. But now they’re back together. And I still don’t know what really happened.
I don’t know, it’s so confusing. I want to do the right thing. But I’m also so eager to know if there really isn’t any possibility. But I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship or his relationship. I want to wait till he gets single, if he ever does. I mean if we’re meant to be it’ll happen right? I wouldn’t have to do anything to make it happen right? But for now I’m just trying really hard to hide it. I even talk about my ex so that he doesn’t even get a hint. But it’s hard sometimes to even maintain eye contact, I just want to control myself and my feelings for now and to find a way or a distraction so I can just enjoy what I have right now. Cause this is probably the happiest I’ve ever been. I’d really consider myself to be the luckiest person if I could have him.
I’m also thinking of telling him when he’s going back to homeland which is in like 5 months after his degree, that way I can avoid anything awkward and also make sure nothing goes wrong between us. Do you think that’d be a good idea?
Thanks 🙂

Matt

Thank you, your advice helped me think of it in a whole different perspective. I have a terribly low self esteem and I get depressed very easily and I belittle myself a lot, everyone else comes before me. And the reason why I like him so much is because he tries so hard to fix those things about me, no one had ever done that before. No one gave that much attention to me. Maybe these feelings are just because of appreciation, but I feel that there will never come anyone else to make me feel so important. I will work on changing the way I treat myself and hopefully find a way to control my feelings for him.