Matt and Bliss, thank you so much for the kind words and support. It’s very good to know that you are listening and that you care and it has been helping a lot. I’ve felt better these past two days and I’m sure that being able to speak to someone, somehow, here, it’s part of it.
Matt, I usually don’t read the tarot for the future and it’s really annoying because it’s all people want to know about. I tell them that the future is something they can build with the knowledge of the now, but everyone just wants to hear how they are going to meet the love of their lives next week… Sadly, I’m not being able to use this knowledge for myself so much, because like I said, I get really difficult readings for myself and find them really hard to understand, as if they are mirroring my own self confusion somehow.
Your analogy of the cake is great and I understand what you mean. I’m happy to hear that somehow it made you reconnect with your family. I do see that I shouldn’t be blaming others for my lack of connection, I know that the barriers rest in me, but still, I find it really hard to connect and stop feeling lonely. I feel that, for me, I’m the one bringing the cheesecake to the party, always, but not like you did, not to make them happy and to connect through it, but just because they like cheesecake and I don’t know what cake I like, so I just keep bringing cheesecake, because at least someone is happy. I feel like I haven’t thought about myself for so long that I have lost the energy to do things even for others. Or maybe this is part of the process of finding another path for myself, another way to live my live as a whole that makes me not want to do anything for anyone until I figure out myself. I don’t know and that is another problem of mine, I never know what is ok to be feeling because I’m sad and grieving and I don’t want to pretend I’m not and what is not part of the process, I can’t tell what is real pain and what is unnecessary suffering.
I also don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful to my friends and their attempts to make me feel better, I see the intention behind their “cosmo advices”, I know they mean well, but it’s just how things are, it’s just how they chose to deal with their own pain (hiding it, taking medication, pretending it’s not there) and how much they don’t want to help me because my pain reminds me of their own, the one they wish it didn’t exist. It’s sad and lonely for everybody. I was there for them and again, I was there with the cheesecake.
I’m just coming to accept that I’ll feel disconnected for a while, until I find the light within, until I find some answers and some motivation to do something, anything. I still feel energyless, I still watch tv for way too long, I still have no idea what to do, but it’s baby steps I guess. I’m trying to meditate, to write, I’m talking to you guys. There is a family meeting this weekend and I won’t go, I had to say no to my parents, I told them I’m still too hurt and that I don’t want to go and answer questions (about my wedding).

Bliss, thank you for your loving message and for understanding where I’m coming from. I really don’t even remember what it was like when I was doing things for myself only, maybe I never did and I really want to do so, I really want to change and find a way to love myself more and act in life with self-love, self-esteem and confidence, to be whole so I can connect with people again, in a healthier way. I just don’t quite know where to start, so what I’m doing is trying to pay attention to how I feel and why I do the things I do to try to reach a deeper understanding of myself and the reasons of my issues.
Being part of this forum is part of it and I’m happy to have a place to share such thoughts. Thank you so much for everything you are doing for me. I’m very very thankful. Being heard is all I need, right now and you are doing it and it’s amazing.
Love, Coruja