It’s been a few months since I last posted and I am really trying to let go, but I keep getting stuck. The hits keep on coming. My sister and I put our Dad’s house on the market and we are in escrow. I cried when the listing came out. I did not want to sell the house, but I could not find a way to buy all of the others in the trust out. I did actually go up there recently (it’s 4 hours away from where I live) and got a few remaining items. I also saged the house, said goodbye, and released it to the new family that will soon occupy it and wished them joy, peace and love.

I have not spoken to my stepmother in months. My sister has to communicate with her because she is the trustee of our Dad’s estate. My sister let our stepmother know that the house was listed. Our stepmother replied saying we should have asked for more (because she is a real estate expert, and an expert in everything). The house needed a considerable amount of work to get in sell-able condition. My sister and I are the only people out of 7 in the estate that has contributed funds for the remodel of the house and the continuing expenses associated with the estate (lawyers, mortgage, etc.). We have used both of our personal savings and taken credit card loans to continue to cover costs. So far 125K and counting. We have had to scramble to come up with these funds and at some point a couple of months ago, my sister asked my stepmother if she could help with a loan to the estate (which she is a part of). Her answer was “not that kind of help”. She currently has more assets than my Dad ever did in his lifetime, in large part because my Dad signed over a lucrative property to her many years ago. I feel so betrayed by this person. I am resentful that through my sister and my efforts alone the value of the house has increased, and everyone else in the trust benefits from our work.

My stepmother’s daughter came to the open house for my Dad’s home and told the realtor that “this is my house” and “I am the daughter”. Needless to say this did not sit well with me, because it’s a lie. My Dad added on 3 bedrooms to a one bedroom house in the 80’s  his children to live there (my sister and I). My sister and I helped physically build that house with our Dad. My stepsister never lived there and she and her boyfriend weren’t allowed to come over while my Dad was alive. I realize that my stepsister is attention seeking and that there is no cure for stupid, but I am so sick of the mounting sense of entitlement on my stepmother and stepsisters parts. What is enough for them? At best I see it as being completely out of touch with reality, and at worst I feel like they are vultures circling over a carcass or voyeurs taking delight in someone else’s distress.

I’m doing my best to let it go, but having a really hard time.

Wow, Anita. That is a powerful insight about parents, children, parent’s spouses and conditional love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. A shaman once told me that the only really, pure, and true love is that between a parent and a child (I think he specified mother and child). All other relationships involve 2 people who “use” each other for something. “Use” doesn’t have to mean a bad thing necessarily. It’s just something that each party gets from the other. A deal they make, so to speak.

This is making me question, “what is love?” A big topic to ponder…

It makes me sad that my Dad felt he needed to “buy” my stepmother’s love, but that seems like what it comes down to. It all feels so cold and transactional. But maybe this is an artifact of how my Dad felt about himself, or a different time and generation. I don’t know.

You’re so right, that these stories are so common. In addition to your friend’s story, I’ve heard of so many others like this. It’s pervasive and unfortunately you don’t see people’s true colors often until after the spouse dies. My sisters and I are lucky that my Dad had a Trust, and specified that we each get something.

It’s a bummer that he couldn’t stand up to his wife and convey his wishes to her. I’m still wrestling with why he told us, but I think in some way he was trying to make amends for losing our retirement. But yeah, I don’t think I will end up having a relationship with my stepmom in the future. I kind of feel like ultimately she saw my Dad as her and her daughter’s meal ticket, and the sad thing is, on some level that deal was OK for my Dad.

Thanks again for your help, insights, and understanding. I will continue to work through it, and ponder these larger questions.

Cristina