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  • in reply to: Would you stress about this? #282885

    Yes anita. I just read it. Think we were typing around the same time. Yes, that clears up a lot of questions in my head. Thanks for your responses.

    I hope I can shake off this reflective phase & be the carefree person I used to be. I have been going crazy for last 2 years after the SIL incident happened & been studying & analyzing lot of these family cultural customs & comparing them with my values in my head. Must say it helped a bit, but was also like a marshy land where the more you try to get out of it, the more it pulls you in. Guess I am stuck in a family where the set of expectations & values are vastly different on both sides, but my husband is a gem . So, live & stick out for him.

    in reply to: Would you stress about this? #282873

    Thanks Jay Jay for your reply. I agree with the decision. Just not sure, if giving her 2-3 days would be too risky. She did create problems, but I am sure she learnt a lesson too. We would invite her every summer & her kids had a good time. She lost that now. But feel like people deserve 2nd chances? And I want to limit the visit period to just 2-3 days. Would that be so bad? Also , one more thought, why are we morally forced to give family (in laws side too) a second chance or even try to make it work, when it clearly doesn’t. But, if we have issues with outsiders or colleagues, we wouldn’t ever care about fixing it & choose to move on? Why?

    in reply to: Would you stress about this? #282863

    Sorry , I meant “nuclear family” not neutral, that was a typo

    in reply to: Would you stress about this? #282853

    Anita, you are right. She opened up family issues  in a few days of being here. Both my SILs thought my husband & I are not doing enough for their parents (my in laws). They are traditional & think that they should be co-living with us. I came from a very different upbringing, modern culture of neutral family & was very successful & financially independent at a young age. So honestly, while I respected them their joint family values did not float with me( they don’t even now, but I would not think once to have them over if they were sick or needed us!)

    So, now by these small things I mean pondering over what exactly are the obligations of a daughter-in-law to her in laws or are there any? At marriage, I believed I married my husband & not everyone in his family. So mutual respect was only thing I believed in. After SIL came & fought with me, I have been wholly confused on the entire issue & just in a ever reflection phase. Shouldn’t respect & love be enough? I don’t have to share every opinion of theirs or succumb to emotional blackmails, right?

    in reply to: Would you stress about this? #282751

    Anita, thanks. Even though lot of things went wrong last time & too much energy was spent repairing the damage done, in my heart while I want to take the stand of never inviting SIL back again, I am not able to find peace in that decision. So, while husband is totally on board about not inviting his sister, I suggested we call her for 2-3 days and say she can pick the parents and travel with them to her home. That way, we (I!!!)  don’t dwell on the issue and also the short term period would not allow for any drama / extreme events. Anita, years ago when I married, I used to be a really free, independent, badass woman who didn’t ever care about anything and did what I thought was right. But, after being married for 10 years & parents starting to age, I have started to feel obliged to do things to give them some happiness. And this sense of obligation has been too overwhelming & too intense in it’s effect, universal in application, almost to my own bewilderment! I over-dwell on small issues, over analyze the issue and am often stuck on one matter for days. I am honestly not sure what’s going on with me or how to become what I used to be (I was so free & happy !!!). And now I feel trapped in marital obligations. Any idea what’s happening to me & how I can fix this crazy over analyzing pattern?

    in reply to: How to stop guilting over family expectations? #276503

    Anita, that would be a whole lot of guilt to deal with if I cancelled the invite altogether. I have had a conflict filled relation with in laws due to vast differences in expectations, life style, thinking and education. So, I wanted this to be a step from my side to make things slightly better. But, I can try to be nice by inviting, but what happens when they are here & are still unreasonable? Will I be able to handle that? I can try, but God knows how it will actually turn out!

    in reply to: How to stop guilting over family expectations? #276501

    Agree Valora. And quite honestly, I never thought someone (even if a relative) could ask such a question which could make the host so uncomfortable. If you say yes, you know possibly things could go wrong as my in law family has very different expectations from a daughter in law and I am sure I could fall short somewhere or may not be patient enough to handle annoying questions/ remarks. So, did the best I could given our relationship and our personalities and relationship dynamics. But, haven’t been happy as I feel like I keep brooding over what was the right thing to do.

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)