Forum Replies Created
December 31, 2019 at 1:26 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #330501
Thanks! Wish you a very happy new year too!December 9, 2019 at 3:20 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #326781
Thanks Anita for your help every single time!December 9, 2019 at 1:12 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #326753
This required some thinking on my part. Honestly, I have reached a stage where I want to cut off all relations with my in laws side at least sis in law forever & find my own free self back again. And, I have already started working on that by minimizing all sorts of contact , even being on calls. But as I think of it, is it possible to carry on like this forever? Can you love your husband & hate his family & practically have no contact whatsoever? On one hand , you are married to the love of your life & have beautiful kids and cannot fathom a life without him & on other hand there’s literally nothing you like about his family, they are toxic and backward & incompatibile in every possible way. How can one be in no contact at all being part of the same family? Now to give an example, I expect an occasion the first time we visit in laws in my native country & I almost can predict they will invite my sis in law & her kids to attend that. How can one avoid such occasions or contact of all sorts? Therein lies my conflict . I feel trapped in this marriage in that sense. I feel forced (my husband never forces me or says anything) but in realistic / pragmatic terms I find it difficult to achieve the absolutely no contact goal. That’s my dilemma, how can I totally break free , without breaking my marriage? I sometimes think of a crazy solution whereby I am just girlfriend with my husband but not wife & that way not part of same family, so totally don’t have to care or even bother to visit them ever. But who are we kidding ?
December 2, 2019 at 12:53 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #325687
- This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
thanks for that again! Normally, I consider myself quite a good and thoughtful communicator. Also the reason, I am slightly disappointed in myself for that text. Think there was a mixed psyche behind this action . I think I had some guilt play on my mind for calling her out in the email to the family. I know that it was the truth & i don’t believe in shying from telling the truth ever, but I know that can hurt someone. Hence , the dilemma at the time of texting I think. I think there were 2 feelings in play at the time I texted her, one the slight guilt and the other side , the anger. But in that moment, I think the former was stronger . Hence the ability to be polite. Now after texting, I feel the anger has gotten stronger. So much so that now to make my stand I don’t want to have any relations with her. Is it common to be so stressed over small acts like these? Or do I overthink. Especially in her case even the littlest of actions like these. Is this habit something I can get over & how?December 2, 2019 at 10:07 am in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #325631
Thanks for your reply. yes, the message was short. Just asking how they were , thanking for gift adding we missed thanking before being busy and sending love to her kids. Nothing else. Is that too much?
Yes, I agree. I don’t want to do anything from here on. I honestly feel like I am done having this relationship and don’t want to talk ever again. So, I think I might be done here in her case.December 1, 2019 at 1:17 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #325483
Hi Anita and hi Jay Jay,
I have an update from this post. My husband requested sis in law to visit us separately due to past issues during her visit. The in laws still resisted and said “nothing will happen this time and that I should not worry etc.” At that moment, I went ahead and sent out an email to the entire family pointing out that it was inappropriate behavior on her part during last visit as she brought up delicate family issues in husband’s absence instead of addressing to him. After this, there was no response from anyone. But they went ahead and did what we asked. Accordingly , the in laws visited us for 50 days. They went and visited the sis in law at her home during the visit. So, all that went great.
But after that email, there has been zero communication between me and my sis in law. She had sent a gift for my baby through in laws. I did not acknowledge or thank her for it at the time. Recently, after the in laws left, I thought that I should at least acknowledge and thank her for the gift. So, I texted her to say thank you and that we missed thanking her before as we had been so busy. She sent a short reply saying “no problem, love to kids”. Now, since sending out this text message I have been having some regret/ mixed feelings. I feel like I never received an apology from sis in law after pointing out her mistake in that email and that I should not have been the first one to message her after that or to extend the olive branch. Though I am not sure, if a mere act of thanking someone for a gift they send qualifies as an olive branch. I feel like I should have let her approach me / write to me first. I almost feel like by messaging her, I kind of conveyed that it is ok now and that I let it go, when in fact I am still upset and not over it. So, I feel like I lost every opportunity to receive an apology from her. I feel upset over my own action and I can’t go back in time and undo that now. On the other hand, had I not thanked her for the gift, I would possibly think that it wasn’t nice of me to not thank her. Sometimes, I feel like the mind is a killer, no matter what we do it will find a way to upset you.
Do you think I am right in my thinking? Or am I overthinking this? Is there anything I can do now to show my anger?June 11, 2019 at 11:21 am in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #298529
Anita, thanks for the effort on linking all that up.
Agree 100% that I should owe my loyalties to my parents who brought me up with such fantastic values .June 11, 2019 at 11:16 am in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #298527
Jay , wish I could ask them to stay in hotel, life would be so much easier. Unfortunately, the country I come from has a different culture (and so wrong at that) and also different expectations. And my parents did not bring me up to follow culture/ traditions blindly . But my husband’s family is extremely traditional, that they almost think it’s their right to enforce / dump their expectations upon us.June 11, 2019 at 11:09 am in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #298525
Thanks Jay Jay !
On the active situation, I clearly communicated to my husband’s family that we would want them to visit separately from the time of my sil’s visit. I did mention that me & my husband both thought that she addressing sensitive family issues with me last time in my husband’s absence was quite inappropriate. Also that my husband makes all family decisions, so such issues should be best addressed to him. Also, that her last trip caused too much relationship damage between me & my husband. So we think that it’s best that they all come separately. His family has yet to respond, so we will see how that goes.
Yes, and I agree with everything else you said too.June 7, 2019 at 5:45 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #297917
Ok Anita, thanks for letting me know.
June 7, 2019 at 5:11 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #297909
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
Anita, I do love my husband and have few things that just the 2 of us have problems with. At the same time, the problems with his family have become a focus of our lives since the time I have been attempting to change the relationship dynamics with his family, with little success. It has only increased our fights, disharmony and caused anxiety in me. The best solution to this would be to totally shut down to his family & have no interaction with them . But when I try to do that, I feel guilty for not talking or interacting. And if I do , it causes problems and anxiety. It’s a tiger and cliff situation. Either way you go, you are in trouble. Hence, unable to think of a way out of this frustration, I occasionally wish we were not married at all. But, it also doesn’t seem practical to break my family & ties with my husband based on just this reason. Hence the dilemma.June 5, 2019 at 5:47 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #297567
Anita, Just added ‘reply to’ to your response to make sure you get notified.June 5, 2019 at 5:14 pm in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #297565
Thanks Anita! Sorry been frustrated and dealing with another family issue . Turns out my sil who who lives in another state , who we wished my laws would visit separately wants to come to our place to meet them. Apparently, she has her parents in law issues which prevent her from inviting her parents to her place. Ironically, she is the same sil (I have 2) that I earlier wrote about who on her previous visit to our house fought with me about how we should be inviting her parents here & blah blah blah. Interestingly, even my mil made a case for her to visit us instead of they visiting her as my mil doesn’t want to talk to my SiL’s mother in law (as they explain that her mil is nasty & my sil has too many problems). What a mess!!! Oh Anita, I am so tired of my husband’s family, sometimes I wish I wasn’t married to my husband.
Now my husband & I clearly explained to my in laws & my sil that it would be best for her to come on a separate time, so we can host each of them well. But they came back asking us to reconsider as mil doesn’t want to see my sil’s mother in law. We are kinda stuck at this moment & haven’t made a decision. Would love your inputs on this . Thanks.. sorry, another issue is a focus now & that my life is a mess!
Thanks a ton dear Anita!
Anita, yes I agree. Many traditions make no sense at all & I have always been a rebel. But, when everyone around you follows them, sometimes they make you wonder if you are right in taking a different stand or people are not brave to question existing traditions.
I will be in touch if I get on a thinking mode again! Guess, I need a more rational influence of people like you around me rather than the unreasonable people that I sense & see in my family.