Hi Anita,

Sorry life has been rather busy of late. I am definitely feeling more comfortable and calmer with my attachment to Kate. Though there have been a lot of health and other emergencies that I could not avoid as a carer of my father. I know we had talked about reducing my carers responsibility, but the way the system works in the UK is that I am still the next of kin and am responsible for certain matters. But I have definitely reduced my amount of visits to my father, but it was issues with self harm and potential suicide attempts which needed my attention. I now recognise patterns that when things like this happen, I become more in need of affirmation and affection from Kate, like I am hyper aware of my emotional vulnerability, if that makes sense?

You are right about the bad behaviour, I did talk to my dad and expressed that I can’t keep living like this if he is going to make situations difficult and stressful, that he needs to help himself as well. I explained how much of an impact it was having on my life, and he seemed to understand.

I hope you are well,

D

Dear Anita,

we re-experience our troubled childhood emotional experiences in the context of romantic relationships – this feels so true. But in the same way, the more connected I feel in romantic relationships, the more my anxious attachment is soothed. Which I guess relates to being soothed my mother or brother when a child and feeling anxious.

She suggested that each person should have not only an inner child within, but a whole inner family, consisting of an inner parent, an inner brother (masculine) and an inner sister (feminine) – I am glad you think that about Kate, she certainly is someone who is caring, empathetic and absolutely supporting of my showing and feeling my emotions deeply. This is very nice what the other member had said, I feel we all are multitudes like this. That we have layers and different areas of our personality that are needed in certain situations. The genderlessness is very interesting, almost as though we should not relate showing emotional with femininity, but as just a part of ourselves.

I had a moment just this morning with Kate, where we had a very lovely weekend together and spent a lot of time really connecting on a deeper level, I just felt close to tears, out of pure joy and happiness and she was so supportive and did not make me feel weird for showing this level of emotion. I explained what we have talked about here, that I guess I still felt a stigma as a man crying. Kate said that she sees me showing my feelings and tears as a sign of courage and strength.

I hope you are well,

D

Anita,

Thank you, yes I really like this format.

someone other than you to visit him for the purpose of caring for him, being that he is disabled? – I feel like because of the family dynamic, and the fact that my father wasn’t a bad man, I want to care for him, as the disability is not his fault, but the brain damage causes these outburts. But I understand what you mean, luckily I don’t have to go over very often, I’ve limited it to once a week normally. But this is something to think about for sure.

excellent that you opened up to her and that she responded the way she did – absolutely, it was a really lovely and promising sign. The fear is still within me that if I talk about other things, a shared future for example, I will not receive the response I crave. But like we have talked about, this comes from a fear from childhood.

It is not a true belief, but beliefs, true and false, are strong regardless, when they are energized by early-life emotions – You are right, I have started journaling again a lot recently. Specifically I wanted to focus on traumatic events, to really write how I feel/felt about them. I was assulted 10 years ago, suffered some brain damage and lost my sense of smell for several years, I had PTSD following and I feel this may also have a part to play in how I feel, the anxiety etc. Maybe my beliefs that I deserve suffering and pain. I journaled about this, and previous romantic and family rejections or abandonment which shuck me and took years to overcome. I feel several experiences may have contributed to this insecure attachment and fear of abandonment.

The first part is energized by strong early-life emotions; the second part is loosely held by later life thoughts and weaker emotions. – This is such an interesting way of expressing these thoughts. I had also not thought that although there is this stigma, that I also share it. I almost feel like if a woman shows these feelings of wanting love, I have no judgement and welcome it, but if I or another male does it, I feel this subconcious stigma, maybe because of the way my mum and dad were. I want to focus on healing, like you say. Weakening the strong early life emotions and strengthening the ones I know to be true.

reading this is making my day a good day, thank you! – Thank you Anita 🙂 I only wish I could focus on the numerous positives and amazing connection we have, without worrying that it will all fall apart and I will be abandoned. But healing is a process, as you have said before.

Dave

Dear Anita,

“he caused you to get stuck in the fear and neediness that he wanted you to move away from” – this does make a lot of sense now, especially later in my life. It is something I definitely bring into romantic relationships, with separation anxiety and fear when I am not around my partner.

“there is nothing more natural for a child to miss his mother and feel anxious when not in her company. It is not stupid, it is natural” – thank you for saying this, it did always feel like I was being unreasonable missing my mother so much. But like I mentioned above, this has translated to romantic caregivers instead.

“you were afraid that she will respond to your emotions the way your father did” – yes, exactly this. I feel already that she is very empathetic and understands the way I feel a lot of the time, we do seem to share a connection. So maybe it just takes me a little longer than other people to open up completely and share what I am thinking/feeling, without fear of judgement.

“There are ways for you to express to her how much you’d miss her, etc., without appearing needy and overly emotional” – you are so right, I have worked a lot of expressing myself how I want to be heard, not how the voice in my head sometimes tells me I’m feeling. Although you are aware of my inner thoughts and my somewhat anxious attachment style, I am confident that I don’t come across too needy or anxious to my new love interest, I try to carefully think about what I am going to say before I say it, if that makes sense.

“all the ways that help lessen anxiety in general, will help with this particular anxiety.” – thank you, I am trying to cultivate some of the normal mindfulness routines that I developed after we first started speaking on this thread all those months ago. Reading, meditation, exercise. I think starting a new job was an additional stress that I hadn’t really considered until this weekend, so I should be a bit kinder to myself.

“Specifically for this anxiety, when you feel it, talk to yourself the way your father should have, but didn’t” – this is really good advice, and I will certainly do this. These words of affirmation from myself seem so important, rather than being judgemental and critical of my emotional side which feels a deep longing for those I care about.

Dave

Anita, I hope you’re well?

I started a new job on the 5th Jan, so things have been very busy for me in the last two weeks. But I am enjoying it a lot. Thank you for the offer to practice addressing the inner child in me. I have been seeing my new love interest for about a month, and we are getting very close and sharing a lot of intimacy and our feelings etc. Though this, like I said before, has lead to an increase in my anxiety. I started to feel very calm about things, until Sunday, when she said something along the lines of “I wanted to be honest with you, that last year when I broke up with my last relationship, I intended to go travelling this year, in the spring/summer, maybe for a month, maybe longer. That was the reason I only applied for a six month lease on this flat. I wanted to be honest, because although I understand that this sounds like some uncertainty, it is a while away, it is something I have wanted to do for some time.”… after talking some more on the matter, I asked if she had been travelling with ex partners, to which she explained that often they didn’t seem like the right relationships to do this with, or the wrong people. I asked if she found someone who wanted similar things, would that influence the decision to travel solo, to which she responded yes. I explained that I have always loved to travel, but have never been in the right relationships either. I also added that at this point in my life, I have never been more free to travel, that my work is flexible and I have a lot of annual leave.

Sorry for the long note, it was something that really triggered my inner child and spiked my anxiety, and like you mentioned, I found a quiet moment and composed the following, whilst addressing my inner child:

This scared the child in me a lot. It scared me because I wasn’t sure why she was saying it, was it a preface to being able to exit the relationship as soon as travelling plans materialise, or was she saying it to gauge my reaction, by chance that I may feel similarly about travelling and it may be something we could do together? I felt a deep yearning to tell her exactly how I feel, my child wanted to cry, to reach out, to ask for certainty, for love and support. That I want to grow together, to experience the beauty of life, to see other countries, that I don’t want this to end. As we have joked before, 1 in 8 billion people, I like those odds, because when you win, you win big. This might be a joke, but it is the complete truth to me, sometimes life gives you something that is just too positive to ignore, or to cast aside, my child doesn’t want to be cast aside. A connection like we have made in such a short space of time, is truly a thing of value, created out of two paths of complete complexity and chance.

The child in me was scared. I am scared. The work I have done with myself has been so valuable, and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I discount all the positive things that have happened because of a restless desire to understand my mind and those of others. I have no desire to control, own or have power over Kate, or any partner for that matter, often insecurities about losing someone you love can be misread as obsessions of control, but this is not the case. Kate’s independence, her intelligence and complete passion for life are what draws me to her. I admire and care for her. The child in me, doesn’t want to control his Dad, he just wants to be loved by him. He wants his Mum, Dad and Step Mum to hold him when he is scared, to tell him his is enough, and to encourage him.

Apologies that this might be a word dump, but I wanted to write straight from that child, from the heart.

All the best,

Dave

Dear Anita,

Sorry again, we’ve had a bereavement in the family which has been tough to deal with.

You are right, about not doing things for the wrong reasons. I feel most of the time (thankfully), I am helping past and current romantic partners purely out of a feeling of care for them. But of course sometimes the feeling of trying to help my self esteem do creep in.

That makes a lot of sense about the self esteem issues coming from the interactions with my mother as a child. I feel we’ve touched on this before, but more recently I have been talking with new potential romantic options and feel I get very attached quite quickly and have these abandonment issues arise as well. I feel if I am being mindful of these, I can help understand them better. I am going to speak to my counsellor again, as I’ve had a few months off. So it will be good to talk through these things in person again.

I feel I get attached to romantic partners quickly because again of my childhood, that I am searching to be loved and wanted, if that makes sense?

I hope you are well,

Dave

“she expected you to be the Strong One (the one providing comfort), but in reality, you were weak, you needed her comfort and you didn’t get it when she was upset.” Yes I feel this quite acutely now. I try my best to be there for the people who need me, and especially the women in my life. I still am there for my ex partner, we are still friends, but I would drop anything to be there for her if she was hurting. I don’t know if this is healthy, but I also am not sure how to get past this needing of comfort and support that I need. Today has been a tough day, feeling like I don’t want to hurt anyone I’m dating, but also feeling like I need someones support, I feel a bit paradoxical.

“(1) when visiting your father, (2) when your mother worked and you were alone, and (3) when your mother was with you, but was too upset and sorrowful to comfort you.” This does seem absolutely accurate. Now with my fathers illness and lack of communication or compassion, I feel it strongly when I care for him. I feel I’m also at the age as a man who shouldn’t be reaching out to my mother for so much support. So I do try and nuture myself if I can. I definitely bring the anxiety from my mother into relationships with women, as I am hyper aware of their feelings and try to work out if it is something I’ve done wrong which might have upset them, if that makes sense?

“…is your deep hurt about not being enough for your father and not being enough for your mother” Yes this does seem to be the case. I have been through stages in life where I’ve been given validation (women finding me attractive etc), and have felt great self esteem. But I believe because I broke up my last relationship and have been single for a while, that I can’t find someone who feels like that about me. But the rational part of my brain knows that this is just a time of change and transition. I know I have a lot of love to bring to a relationship, and to admire and support a partner. These things just can’t be rushed or controlled I guess…

To your responses:

“…massive, extensive daydreaming/ fantasy life… NO  INTENT WHATSOEVER” I can completely relate to you here, I feel I escaped into worlds of fantasy and fiction growing up as a way of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. I imagine the frustration you felt was intense, on the one hand not being believed, and the other, that it was someone who traditionally should believe and support you unconditionally.

“you did something wrong or failed to do something.. poor him.. evil you!!!” I can imagine how you feel, that maybe you feel similarly to me, that when someone is unhappy, you immediately may have thought that you were responsible, that someone told you it was you causing this. Are you much better at rationalising this now? Realising that you aren’t always responsible for someone else’s mood?

“gave large amounts of my money away countless times so to compensate people for my wrong doing” This makes sense, if you are trying your best to make sure people understand how much you are there for them, or are sacrificing for them.  (Don’t worry about my other question, I probably didn’t word it very well)

“As an adult and living on another continent, I went to great lengths, living in miserable physical circumstances, so to spend the least amount of money on myself, and give her the greatest amount of money so to pay her back the huge debt I felt that I owed her.” This must have been so difficult, living with this debt over your head, especially when it sounds like a not-so-real debt that could never and shouldn’t ever be paid back. I hope now you are more open to allowing yourself some luxury and treating yourself well?

“instead of wasting a lifetime trying to pay that debt” I know it must be hard, but I guess there is no real timescale for these things, and one person may make these life changing decisions a lot sooner than others. We all go at our own speeds.

“I finally gave up the efforts, efforts that robbed me of a life worth living, for half a century or so.” That makes sense, it is so difficult to change anyone, if not impossible. You are right to accept things as they are in my opinion. There are times that we get really caught up in how someone is far from ideal, but if they only understood, things might be different. But to attempt to change someone is just painful.

I hope you are finding this helpful? I obviously don’t want to keep asking you questions if you are not finding it useful. Please let me know if there is anything specific you would like to work on?

D