Dear Liveinthemoment,

Thank you for the passage. It has a strong message in it.
Sometimes we forget what our passions and what our dreams are, because we get caught up in so many insignificant things in the daily life… and we forget what truly matters. That’s why it does help us sometimes to take a step back out of this situation and just try to listen to our inner voice.

I did this in the past two days and I reminded myself that I can not make decisions for others and also that we can not help anyone if they do not want to be helped. Even if it hurts us.

The thing that I need to do now is work on changing on the decision to not make a decision. I need to be responsible of myself again and start making decisions that will take me closer to where I want to go.

Thank you so much for your message and support!
deepunk

Dear johnpaultracey,

Your feedback was a little eyeopener for me. I have never realized that the decision that I actually made was to be indecisive. And now that I think back it makes sense. Not only regarding the important life changing decision, but I was not able to choose a book that I got for free in a store – it’s that bad. I suppose when you are not making decisions, you kind of try to escape the responsibility that comes with that decision. (I’m trying to explain this to myself now). But at the same time, if you don’t decide… you will float around just like I do now and this road is not leading anywhere. Just to confusion and frustration from what I have experienced.
And you are right… I haven’t been loving myself lately… I just put myself through hard times out of guilt and anger. And it’s not ok.

Thank you so much!
deepunk

Dear Inky,

Thank you so much for your reply. It actually means a lot to me.

Regarding my brother, he lives in a different city that is about 10 hours away by train – so I don’t really have access to his place. But it is true, the energy in the place he lives is very heavy and kind of depressing. He also surrounds himself with people that do the same thing as him, people that mostly use him and on some level he realizes this – but he can’t seem to find the motivation to actually get out of this circle. I have been praying that he will wake up and get better and also that he will be safe. I’m also always praying for my family to be safe. I will keep doing that, because I don’t know what else to help with…

Regarding what I want – I love working with people, students from all kinds of backgrounds. A few years ago when I was a student myself, I worked as a volunteer for a student organisation and we had a lot of projects for students and high schoolers. And I loved it. But now I’m not a student anymore and have bills to pay and can not keep asking for money from my parents. So I would like to find a job in one international organisation that has different projects in different countries. But every time I start to search for this job, as I have previously mentioned, my mind kind of freaks out and I don’t apply or find excuses not to do it.

I have tried to dig deeper to see what I’m actually scared of in doing this step forward… I’m probably scared that my parents will be disappointed that I don’t want what the others around me want (buy a house, get married and have kids – I don’t feel it’s the time to do this now, because there are so many things that I would like to do). I’m also scared that maybe things will not work out (I know, there’s only one way to find out, but I still don’t seem able to move). I’m probably scared of myself, of things working out… I don’t even know…

Then I sit here in front of my laptop and cry and ask myself why do I put myself through this? Why can’t I just go and do things? But I can’t find an answer to that.. And also don’t know how to find the answer and change.

Thank you, Inky for listening.
deepunk