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August 25, 2022 at 5:06 pm #406138DeeParticipant
I too just ended an unhealthy relationship, which it wasn’t that even. They pushed they wanted sex with me, but without a relationship. I said no, at least 3 times that I absolutely can recall with time and place. They were a co-worker, I liked them as a person, and I know how needy and anxious I am in any kind of relationship, so no. I told them sex complicates everything. I told them that I liked sex too much. But we gave in, we kissed, made out, it was great, amazing even, I hadn’t had that kind of chemistry in a while. I got horny and gave in. We both agreed that we didn’t want a relationship. I told him if I gave them oral, which I rather take off the table–for some reason I consider it more a relationship kind of thing–to not hold or touch my head, and also, because men tend to hold your head like you were in porn, and I really hate that, I find it disrespectful because I ask not to be done to me. Guess what they did? When we finally got to the day, I made a deal about it because that’s how I would like to be treated. I bought linens, got waxed, got take out, etc. The sex wasn’t great, they put me in positions which they didn’t need and ended up causing me real pain. They held my head down and literally fucked my throat. It was abusive and completely superficial. I felt used. I asked them to not make me feel used. I guess I fantasized about them too much beforehand, so my expectations were impossible, but I wasn’t expecting them to not listen to me also. And when I asked for another session, they refused, said they didn’t want to continue. Why can’t we have sex and agree/respect our boundaries? Well, they lost their job. Don’t fuck around with the boss’ daughter.
Am I proud? Of course not. This is why I’m here. Because I did this to myself and to them. I knew better, I told them, but neither of us listened to the wise person in me and here I am, feeling shitty about myself. Not because I expected a relationship, or loved them or anything like that. I knew what I wanted, I wanted dick. But the change in them, wow, that deeply hurt me, because I did it to myself. I knew better, and I still gave in. I let them use me.