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August 2, 2024 at 3:12 pm #435762
Lulu
Participant“I am sorry that your family is not supportive of your efforts. Maybe you could ask them what they would do to achieve and maintain a healthy body & weight? This might actually get them thinking rather than just criticizing. If you are eating health giving foods and not empty junk food and exercising moderately rather than excessively, then ask them ‘what are their fears ?”
Thank you Roberta, for your sympathy. I understand logically WHY my family is worried. If my daughter wasn’t eating for a day or two, perhaps I would be in the same boat. My mom actively said she wants me to count calories and do small meals every single day rather than going cold turkey until it’s the day I’m able to break my fast. She thinks my mindset toward eating is incorrect I argued that we as humans don’t need food everyday and that’s when we started to argue.
My mom’s afraid that I’m going to go the other direction. She warned me before I got fat what the consequences were going to be and I didn’t listen. Now she feels as though I’m going to go in the opposite direction and become anxoreic, which I just don’t see happening. I don’t know how to change her mind that I won’t yoyo when I already got obese in the past against her warnings.
August 2, 2024 at 2:59 pm #435761Lulu
Participant“Congratulations for losing 79 pounds and moving from a BMI of 37.4 to a BMI of 23.9!
A healthy BMI is between 17.5 and 25.7 (very well health. com/ body health index), and you are within a healthy BMI range, very well done, Lulu.”
Thank you! I worked very hard to get this far and I’m still working on it. Some days are easier than others, but I haven’t quit yet.
“here is what I think may have been happening: in the process of losing weight, you experienced the euphoric feelings involved in successfully losing weight: the joy of seeing a smaller and smaller number on the scale, the joy of seeing yourself in the mirror more and more to your satisfaction, the joy of wearing smaller and smaller-size clothes, the joy of receiving compliments from people, the joy of success: joys that you didn’t experience before. Joys you want more and more of..?”
It’s a mix of all of them. I’ve been overweight for an incredibly long time Anita, throughout middle and high-school. And while I wasn’t exactly bullied, it was clear that people were uncomfortable with my size since I was one of the few black girls there, let alone a fat black girl. On top of doing it for health and fear of developing issues, I wanted to feel better about being in my own skin. I wanted to as least feel the same as everyone else who’s a smaller size.
“When a person continues efforts to lose weight at normal or below normal weight, that’s an eating disorder.”
I’m less worried about this because I do in fact have a goal weight and intentions to maintain that weight once I reach it. I don’t feel like it’s just aimless weight loss, I’ve set that goal when I was around 180 and now 40 pounds later, it hasn’t changed. Not saying I’m not concerned, but I do have a game plan.
“I am guessing that she didn’t say this when you were overweight, but she is saying it now that you are within a healthy BMI. Am I correct?”
The thing is that she hounded me when I overeat as well. I truly don’t feel as though I’m underrating. I don’t exactly count calories, but the days where I do eat, I eat until I’m nice and stuffed, go the gym the following day, and it keeps me satisfied. The only time I feel hungry is when I’m fasting, any other time, I make my meals from home rather than eating out, have watery sugar drinks, or low calorie sweets if I have a sweet tooth. I typically lose five pounds every two weeks now that I’m around a healthy weight whereas before, it was around ten pounds every two/three weeks. I know the weight loss is slowing down because I’m smaller and burn less calories, but I switched from OMAD to AF because I felt like I didn’t have enough time between meals.
“Best if you can see a medical doctor or a nurse practitioner so to get checked (blood work and such), review your fasting practice with the professional, and make recommended adjustments to it.”
I had a physical examination on the 25th of July for college, and the doctor said that all of my levels are normal whereas before, my blood sugar and cholesterol were abnormally high. Back when I was 209, the doctors said that I should start looking to lose weight for my health. I’m genetically likely to have diabetes since the women on my dad side usually do and because I was only one from my mom’s side who’s obese, it felt like it was just a matter of time.
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A healthy BMI for you is between 17.5 and 25.7. Your BMI is 23.9, the higher end of healthy. You can lose more if you’d like, so to arrive at your goal weight. I would moderate my efforts, in your place, moderate and adjust the fasting routine to a slower rate of weight loss.
As far as exercise, I much prefer fast walking to running because it’s easier on the knees/ joints, and it has the same health benefits as running, as far as I know (you can research that, if you’d like).”
I did research and 125 at 5’4 would put me at a BMI of 22, which is right in the middle and I think works best for me. I don’t want to go under it because I know how my body is and my brain would have issues with being underweight as people tend to.
As far as exercise, I enjoy treadmill running on maximum incline at a speed of 3 for an hour. It makes me thighs sore, but I do enjoy it. I also like bike training, and weight lifting occasionally, but usually, the elliptical with maximum resistance or incline with maximum incline is good enough for me. I’ll definitely start incorporating some walks in there since I’m definitely a walking person.
The thing is, my mom has always pushed me to make healthy decisions. She warned me before I became overweight about the importance of eating healthy, and it felt like it went one ear and out the other. And as a result, there was the obesity. The issue wasn’t even necessarily that I just overeat, it was like I didn’t exercise at all. I eat, would drown myself in homework and reading because I didn’t feel good about myself. I’m sure I’ve said this, but I have major depressive disorder/generalized anxiety disorder and it worse during this times especially.
Now that I’m older and my mental illnesses have sort of calmed, I’m able to lose weight more essentially.
My mom wants me to eat in small meals while exercising, but my brain automatically wants to binge. My mom doesn’t want me to “starve myself for two days and then pig out on one day.”
Fasting helps me curb the binge while also just being easier for me to do mentally. Calorie counter every single day doesn’t work for me, hasn’t in the past and I doubt it will now.
I understand where my mom is coming from. I know she wants the best for me. I don’t doubt her love for me. But I also know that the way I’m going about losing weight is what I prefer and it feels like no matter how I do things, there’s always a problem. I just wanna get to a healthier weight and feel good physically and mentally. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
July 31, 2024 at 11:48 pm #435680Lulu
ParticipantHi Helcat. Thanks for all the well thought out messages. Believe it or not, I’m reading each and everyone of them with deep consideration.
“The thing is that you are young and still growing, it is hard to continue to grow if you don’t eat enough food. There is also a minimum amount of calories that should be eaten in a day and going under that is just as unhealthy as morbid obesity. People are not just worried about an eating disorder, they are also worried about your health. Eating disorders can kill. Once you get to your goal weight if the behaviour doesn’t stop and you continue this pattern you will quite literally potentially die in a few years. Once fat stores are used, the next thing that your body does is start eating your muscle. Your heart is made of muscle, now you see why eating disorders can be so dangerous?”
I didn’t think of it like that. I just don’t want people to treat me like I’m wrong for wanting to lose weight when I was fatter and they did say anything.
“Your original plan of eating once a day was working, your current plan of eating once every other day is not working. Why do you want to continue a course of action that isn’t getting you closer to your goal weight?”
It’s taking a bit but Alternate Day Fasting has been working. It was one meal a day I hit a stagnation because I think my body was used to it. It’s really frustrating that I’m not losing weight as quickly as I used to, but I just have to be patient.
“Why are you critical of yourself at your current weight? It seems like despite feeling better about your current weight, your mind hasn’t quite absorbed that you are no longer your old weight.”
It’s always scary but a lot of people have rebounds and relapsing in their weight. I’ve worked very hard, and I really don’t want it to be for nothing.
“Eating junk food tends to make me gain weight more than anything else. Portion sizing also helps. Many people simply eat too large a meal portion. Some people find getting a smaller bowl or plate helpful for gauging portion sizing.”
I heavily agree with you. I was snaking way too much.
I really need to start exercising like you mentioned. It would give me a bit more leniency on the amount of calories I consume. I’d also build muscle faster as well, and perhaps my family wouldn’t be so worried.
July 31, 2024 at 11:20 pm #435679Lulu
Participant[quote quote=435678]Splitting food is also super helpful if you’re going out and portion sizes are massive. My old job had free doughnuts but they’re 500 calories for 1. Literally a quarter of a days worth of calories. Splitting the doughnut with a coworker who also wanted a nice treat while watching her weight. Totally achievable 1/8th of a days calories. Score![/quote]
Yeah, I use small bowls to split up my meals. It does wonders and it makes getting full easier since I’m not just wolfing down food.
May 11, 2024 at 11:27 am #432578Lulu
ParticipantHey Anita, this is Lulu.
I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.
I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.
After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.
I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.
And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.
I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.
My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.
Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.
My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.
In the meantime, how have you been Anita?
May 3, 2024 at 9:15 am #432294Lulu
ParticipantHello Anita! I have a few updates rn.
So unfortunately, my therapist has just ended my treatment plan. I’ve had him for about almost two years and he says that he believes that the issues I had when I first entered therapy have subsided.
I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college and have yet to get a response from him, but my mom says she’s looking into it.
Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy and it seems the college I got into offer frees services and accommodations. I’m looking to getting an evaluation for autism once I turn 18 and the college also provides free psychologist services as well, so that’s good.
My financial aid for said school came back and my tuition is 5000 dollars a year. I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m offically double majoring in Psychology and English Literature so I can pursue both writing and psychology.
Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.
Tomorrow is prom day and I’m supposed to be surprising a friend of mine as she doesn’t know that I’m going. I’ve been out of school for almost 5 months now and just transferred back to my old school two days ago. I’m still nervous about whether or not I’m ready for college, but I’m hoping the prozac will ease the anxiety.
In terms of my sister, everything is going the same. We’re supposed to be moving back to Philly on the 31st, and then my mom is seeing about moving to North Carolina shortly afterward to which I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC.
My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them.
My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight.
Wish me luck Anita, and I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far 🙂
May 1, 2024 at 10:23 pm #432246Lulu
ParticipantSometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.
And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.
I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.
I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.
I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.
All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.
May 1, 2024 at 10:17 pm #432245Lulu
ParticipantHello Anita. I want to say sorry for the very long rant, I’m sure it was a chore to read through, but I didn’t have any other place to put my thoughts concisely.
I was on reddit for a bit, but that ended up not helping me, lol, so I decided to come here. I wanted to find a place for mindfulness and a safe space to just exist with other people outside of real life.
About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you. I’ve always felt the urge to really get into the grit of psychology, but the main thing I wanted to do was make a difference in the lives of others. I can definitely see why you wanted to go into psychology; you’re doing amazing just with this forum and have helped so many people that you’ve become almost if not a full time therapist.
All of this is just to say, I really hope everything gets better Anita. I haven’t been feeling sure of myself like I used to, and even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc etc, but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me.
I think that at this point, if I could become half the person I aspired to be, that would be enough for me in life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this 🙂
May 1, 2024 at 2:23 pm #432233Lulu
Participant“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?”
Certainly, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate.
I always felt that my issue was my environment, I think. There was always some excuse, “I’m in a predominantly white area, I’m just not the right type of personality,” to the point where it’s like, no matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me and not any other reason if that makes sense.
A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others. I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.
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