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    Hey Anita, this is Lulu.

    I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.

    I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.

    After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.

    I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.

    And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.

    I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.

    My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.

    Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.

    My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.

    In the meantime, how have you been Anita?


    Hello Anita! I have a few updates rn.

    So unfortunately, my therapist has just ended my treatment plan. I’ve had him for about almost two years and he says that he believes that the issues I had when I first entered therapy have subsided.

    I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college and have yet to get a response from him, but my mom says she’s looking into it.

    Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy and it seems the college I got into offer frees services and accommodations. I’m looking to getting an evaluation for autism once I turn 18 and the college also provides free psychologist services as well, so that’s good.

    My financial aid for said school came back and my tuition is 5000 dollars a year. I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m offically double majoring in Psychology and English Literature so I can pursue both writing and psychology.

    Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.

    Tomorrow is prom day and I’m supposed to be surprising a friend of mine as she doesn’t know that I’m going. I’ve been out of school for almost 5 months now and just transferred back to my old school two days ago. I’m still nervous about whether or not I’m ready for college, but I’m hoping the prozac will ease the anxiety.

    In terms of my sister, everything is going the same. We’re supposed to be moving back to Philly on the 31st, and then my mom is seeing about moving to North Carolina shortly afterward to which I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC.

    My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them.

    My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight.

    Wish me luck Anita, and I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far 🙂


    Sometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.

    And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.

    I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.

    I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.

    I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.

    All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.


    Hello Anita. I want to say sorry for the very long rant, I’m sure it was a chore to read through, but I didn’t have any other place to put my thoughts concisely.

    I was on reddit for a bit, but that ended up not helping me, lol, so I decided to come here. I wanted to find a place for mindfulness and a safe space to just exist with other people outside of real life.

    About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you. I’ve always felt the urge to really get into the grit of psychology, but the main thing I wanted to do was make a difference in the lives of others. I can definitely see why you wanted to go into psychology; you’re doing amazing just with this forum and have helped so many people that you’ve become almost if not a full time therapist.

    All of this is just to say, I really hope everything gets better Anita. I haven’t been feeling sure of myself like I used to, and even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc etc, but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me.

    I think that at this point, if I could become half the person I aspired to be, that would be enough for me in life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this 🙂


    “Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?”


    Certainly, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate.


    I always felt that my issue was my environment, I think. There was always some excuse, “I’m in a  predominantly white area, I’m just not the right type of personality,” to the point where it’s like, no matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me and not any other reason if that makes sense.

    A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others. I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.

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