Thanks again Anita, I know have to make peace with many elements that I am currently frustrated with. This is my difficulty, I’ve become so irritated by any interaction with them that I don’t even recognise which battles are the right ones to fight. A non-religious example, but something that also bothers me, is that they will always specify a person’s race in conversation. Even if they don’t add anything derogatory to their sentence, just the labelling ‘white’ ‘black’ ‘indian’ I find totally irrelevant, unnecessary and furthers to feed any stereotypes they have built about people of that race. I really struggle knowing what I must accept as by-product of moving here or where I have a valid point to say something.

Thank you for your thoughtful response Anita, you have really understood my question. It feels great to have my feelings validated and what you’ve wrote hits the nail on the head. I have been passive. I have done so to keep the peace, or to be accepted (although I realise in doing so I’ve not been accepted for who I really am), but many of the situations I can think of being passive has been to my own detriment and at the expense of my needs/happiness. I’m not really sure why I’m so afraid of conflict here. I feel like I used to be assertive but after 3 years of submission I’ve lost that skill.

The most obvious examples I can think of are all with my in-laws. I grew up in a very liberal environment, my husband did not. Despite this, my husband shares a similar world view to me, although he is not open about this with his family. He lets their bigoted comments slide because whilst he disagrees, hearing them say such things is normal to him and he sees no point arguing. For me to hear these racist, homophobic, or intolerant comments about anyone who isn’t a Christian, is not normal. Whilst this is unacceptable to me, I am ashamed to say I have stood by and said nothing about it, which could be interpreted by them as my agreement with what they are saying – this couldn’t be further from the truth. I especially do not want my son to be taught being hateful towards anyone different to you is ok.

The only time I have ever said anything (or typed as it was in an email) was when my mother in-law repeatedly sent videos preaching Christianity to me. I told her I did not share her beliefs and asked that she would respect that. She said she would not send me anymore videos and for sometime it did seem like she was respecting my differences. However, after 6 months, she started sending the same videos on a family chat group and responding with prayer demands and Christian praise to any news I would share (usually about our son). The group includes my husband, his father, mother, sister and myself. The only person making any unprovoked religious references is his mother, and I feel like she’s purposely doing so to do disrespect my request, but because I don’t want to cause a scene, I say nothing.

There are many other examples of passive behaviour from me with his family, but I don’t want to rant and turn this into a huge monologue of complaints against them when I know the main problem lies with me! I want to take action to express myself but have been silent for so long I don’t know how to begin, especially when dealing with such sensitive topics. Do you have any suggestions for how I can assert myself in these situations?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by doggyB.