Thank you Anita for sharing.

And, thank you Peter for your insight. You have an amazing grasp of the different spiritual paths. I was raised Catholic but once out of the house I explored and found I lean toward Buddhism but would like to deepen my study of it.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate your time and care.

I have been pondering what and how to share. Vulnerability is not my strong suit.

I am 59 years old (divorced a long time ago, no children) and have been in and out of therapy since the age of 18 (more out than in) for depression. It wasn’t until I connected with my most recent therapist a few years ago that I realized I also have anxiety. The weirdness I thought was just me was actually ways of coping with the anxiety I didn’t realize I had. I have constantly felt not right…flawed…defective and my life’s journey has been to fix myself. I finally realized about 5 years ago that I built my life around everyone else and what I thought they wanted, who I thought they wanted me to be. This realization came after several painful incidents when it became obvious that I was not as important to everyone else as they were to me…that I thought everyone else mattered more than I did. I decided to take back my power. I established boundaries which were actually brick walls. But behind those walls I started to take care of myself and there have been positive changes, the biggest being a 185 lb. weight loss. Obesity was part of who I was and now I’m navigating a new me physically. However, inside is the same old defective me. I am negative, catty, judgmental, angry and I navigate the world fearing others will find out. I make sure to respond and behave appropriately, sometimes it’s forced but other times it’s not. I know there is good in me but I identify more with the “bad” allowing it to overshadow the good. I fear if I behaved as my authentic self I would be hustled off to a mental health institute at worst or find myself alone at best. I think I have to be perfect which of course I fail at. I yearn for inner peace and acceptance of myself instead of constantly “shoulding” on myself which is exhausting. I think way too much and most of those thoughts are wondering how other people are living their lives because surely I’m doing it wrong.

I fear I’m rambling and not adequately relaying why I asked my original question of what if my authentic self is someone I don’t like. I often wonder if I would be friends with myself. I think if I could turn off the constant thinking, analyzing and criticizing then I would achieve that inner peace and acceptance of my authentic self. The way I’m currently navigating the world is exhausting. I just want to be me…whoever that is.

Thank you Boris1010!  I appreciate your insight and there were several valuable nuggets I can take away and incorporate.