Thank you for sharing Peter.

I think you are correct. My “self” identity is weighed down with the baggage of roles and labels and stories I’ve told myself so often they’ve become my truth.

Thank you Anita for sharing.

And, thank you Peter for your insight. You have an amazing grasp of the different spiritual paths. I was raised Catholic but once out of the house I explored and found I lean toward Buddhism but would like to deepen my study of it.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate your time and care.

I have been pondering what and how to share. Vulnerability is not my strong suit.

I am 59 years old (divorced a long time ago, no children) and have been in and out of therapy since the age of 18 (more out than in) for depression. It wasn’t until I connected with my most recent therapist a few years ago that I realized I also have anxiety. The weirdness I thought was just me was actually ways of coping with the anxiety I didn’t realize I had. I have constantly felt not right…flawed…defective and my life’s journey has been to fix myself. I finally realized about 5 years ago that I built my life around everyone else and what I thought they wanted, who I thought they wanted me to be. This realization came after several painful incidents when it became obvious that I was not as important to everyone else as they were to me…that I thought everyone else mattered more than I did. I decided to take back my power. I established boundaries which were actually brick walls. But behind those walls I started to take care of myself and there have been positive changes, the biggest being a 185 lb. weight loss. Obesity was part of who I was and now I’m navigating a new me physically. However, inside is the same old defective me. I am negative, catty, judgmental, angry and I navigate the world fearing others will find out. I make sure to respond and behave appropriately, sometimes it’s forced but other times it’s not. I know there is good in me but I identify more with the “bad” allowing it to overshadow the good. I fear if I behaved as my authentic self I would be hustled off to a mental health institute at worst or find myself alone at best. I think I have to be perfect which of course I fail at. I yearn for inner peace and acceptance of myself instead of constantly “shoulding” on myself which is exhausting. I think way too much and most of those thoughts are wondering how other people are living their lives because surely I’m doing it wrong.

I fear I’m rambling and not adequately relaying why I asked my original question of what if my authentic self is someone I don’t like. I often wonder if I would be friends with myself. I think if I could turn off the constant thinking, analyzing and criticizing then I would achieve that inner peace and acceptance of my authentic self. The way I’m currently navigating the world is exhausting. I just want to be me…whoever that is.

Thank you Boris1010!  I appreciate your insight and there were several valuable nuggets I can take away and incorporate.