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eaglestare

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  • June 5, 2014 at 10:09 pm in reply to: Meditation and Mourning? #58213
    eaglestare
    Participant

    Jasmine, that is definitely a FEEL GOOD song! Thanks! Tonight I went to a chi gung class (relaxing exercises like tai chi), and then walked along the lake with my sister-in-law and her dogs. It was nice because I was able to feel the peace and tranquility of my surroundings and just take my time walking like I used to. So, I guess there is hope that I can still enjoy the present moment and smile!

    Patricia

    June 5, 2014 at 5:03 pm in reply to: Meditation and Mourning? #58191
    eaglestare
    Participant

    Yes, I have on occasion purposely switched to more upbeat music. I am a professional musician with sensitive ears, and sometimes certain type of music makes me miss him in a sad way. Even when I am performing, sometimes I will get tears. So, yes, changing the type of music I listen to can change the listener’s energy or state-of-mind. Thanks for the reminder, and your support!

    Patricia

    June 2, 2014 at 10:50 pm in reply to: Meditation and Mourning? #57976
    eaglestare
    Participant

    Thank you for understanding and your insightful words and prayers. Sometimes it does feel like they are around, or at least should be around. Everything that is natural and beautiful reminds me of Rook right now. Like now I’m thinking (uh-oh), “This is the same sky, the sun, the moon, the clouds, the forest, the lake (etc.) I gazed at in awe with you, and now you are part of that.” Even so, it doesn’t stop me from missing him and wishing he were here to meditate and walk with me in nature. It’s like I’m resisting enjoying nature because I have to do it without him next to me. Or it’s because I don’t want to enjoy nature without him. I can’t, or I don’t want to, or maybe it’s all just part of the grieving process. I think, it took me a long time for the grieving to lessen for our other dog who died over a year ago, and it will be less painful or less frequent tears over time, but it sure is hard when I’m in the sadness.

    Last night I was sleeping in my husband’s arms, and when I moved slightly, he suddenly woke up and thought I was Rook, that Rook was laying on his arm. That’s when it started all over again, even though it was kind of nice that it seemed so real to him and it felt warm and comforting to him. He and Rook had an especially strong deep bond. I am sure there was a deep sense of yearning or disappointment that it wasn’t real, that he couldn’t really hold him.

    I also had a dream that I was cooking scrambled eggs and asked Rook if he wanted some eggs, and then I saw him and said is that you, want some eggs (one of his favorite), and as he sat there looking at me, I called to him “come”, but he didn’t come, and I called and motioned for him to “come” again, but he disappeared and I woke up, I think. I don’t know if it was imagination or a “visit”, but I was initially disturbed and disappointed that it was not real and I couldn’t hold him. In a way, though, it kind of makes me smile, because he sure liked scrambled eggs!

    So, it is still hard, it sometimes feels like the waves are getting worse instead of less. Then when it’s less painful, I feel afraid that I’m going to forget the wonderful feeling of being in his presence. Then I think I make myself bring the sad wave on again. Hard to explain, but if any of you have ever grieved deeply before, I wonder if you know what I mean.

    Patricia

    P.S. I just read and reread the messages from all who have replied above, and it does help me gain a better perspective. Thanks!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by eaglestare.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by eaglestare.
    May 25, 2014 at 2:06 pm in reply to: Meditation and Mourning? #57295
    eaglestare
    Participant

    Thank you Jasmine, Inky, and Matt, for your understanding, support, and words of wisdom. Each one of you provided insight into my specific “dilema”, and helped me to gain the right perspective. The analogies of the train as the journey, and of Dumbo’s magic feather and wings turned on the “light bulb” (blink blink blink!) in me immediately. Thank you! Thank you for the reminders that we are more than this body, and that we are all one and connected.

    I had never thought about using different ways of meditation. That might help me disassociate Rook with the ability to practice. When I read about that, I first thought of Thich Nhat Hanh’s approach while breathing in and out, like “I am here”, and so forth. I also thought of some visualization techniques I learned from Shakti Gawain. There are different kinds of Taoist meditation as well. Being in nature brings on the deepest (or most painful) emotions of grieving because that is where Rook and I connected the most. He (and Cirrus) were a connection to nature. But I am making a point to get out there anyway and rollerski (!) even though I am now alone. My husband is grieving in a different, but also in a deep way, and walking together is too painful for him right now.

    I do have a pawprint on clay, made by the vet, that I could hold, but I don’t know if that will cause more or less emotion, help or hinder the process of meditating, but of course, whatever happens, I simply observe that, right?

    Inky, did you eventually go back to that church?

    …and as you say, I will be patient, breathe, make space, let it flow in and out. If I get stuck in a rut, I will definitely go back and reread your messages for support. Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

    Patricia

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